55. Alex
FIFTY-FIVE
Alex
T he framed photographs on the wall rattle when I slam the door behind me. I rake a hand through my messy hair and turn my head up towards the ceiling, letting out a deep sigh.
Fuck.
I want to drink. I want to get in my van, drive five hundred miles in any direction and get so black out drunk that I can’t remember my name. That only proves that she’s right. Maybe that is all I’m capable of, running away.
The thing is, I don’t want to be away from her, I just want to escape from myself and the problems I’ve created.
I scrub my hands over my face before looking around at the half-empty apartment. The one I’d planned on bringing her home to after we left the beach, but that never ended up happening, and now it probably never will.
As much as I want to feel sorry for myself, I can’t. After the hell I’ve put her though, I don’t blame her for shutting me out time and time again.
Sighing, I slump into the new couch I just ordered days ago. It’s a large tan sectional, big enough to fill up the living room. I pull my phone out and scroll through the many notifications in my instagram app. Tons of likes and comments about how great of a guy I am. If only they fucking knew.
Locking the screen, I almost toss the useless thing onto the other side of the couch before it buzzes in my hand. Opal’s name flashes on the screen and my heart stutters as I read it. I tap the green button immediately, mainly because I’m terrified of anything else happening to her or the baby.
As much as I wanted to insist that she come home with me, I knew that giving her space was my only real option. But now, I’m going to worry about her health constantly because I’m not there to keep an eye on her.
“Hello?” My heart pounds nervously against my ribcage.
“Hi…” Her voice sounds weak and apprehensive. “Can we talk?”
“Of course, are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”
Relief floods through my body. As long as she’s safe and healthy I’ll be okay, or close enough to okay, anyway.
She clears her throat on the other end of the line. “I just wanted to say…I’m sorry.”
“What?” My brows wrinkle together as I glance around the room, my eyes landing on an old photo of us from prom. I had it blown up and framed, along with a few others from when we were even younger. Her smile in that photo is so radiant, she looks blissfully happy and worry-free. I wonder if I’ll ever get to see that side of her again.
“I think I was a little bit too harsh on you. So–I’m sorry.”
“You shouldn’t be sorry,” I shake my head.
“Can we talk–in person?”
My eyes perk up. “Right now?”
“Um, sure. If you want.”
Before she’s able to finish her sentence I’m across the room grabbing my keys, and then locking the door behind me. “I’ll be there in ten.”
When I knock on Opal’s front door, her mother is the one who opens it. The disapproving frown on her face makes me feel a bit nervous and self-conscious. Her mom has always been friendly towards me, but I’ve never gotten the impression that she truly approved of me dating her daughter. According to Opal, her mother has always gone on dates with men here and there, but never settled down with one. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that her standards for Opal are just as high as the standards she sets for herself.
“Hey, Ms. Lancaster. I’m here to check on Opal.”
She shakes her head slightly and rolls her eyes. “Please, Alex, you can call me Melissa.” She holds the door open for me to come in. “She’s in her room.”
I nod and walk past her towards Opal’s room. I lightly knock on the door twice before her small voice tells me to come in.
“Hey,” I say as I push the door open.
Her eyes meet mine, they’re brimmed with red like she’s been crying. “Hi.”
She looks fairly miserable laying in her bed, even though it looks cozy and inviting. Her laptop and a few books are sitting on top of her comforter, and a fuzzy blue blanket is covering half of her body.
I apprehensively sit on the edge of her bed, making sure no part of my body is touching hers, even though all I want to do is scoop her into my arms and make sure she’s alright. But I know it isn’t the time for that, if she wants me to touch her, she’ll tell me.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
She shrugs. “A little better. It’s boring and lonely just sitting here all day, but I’m alright.”
I nod and chew on the corner of my lip. “You wanted to talk?”
“I just wanted to apologize. I’m not sure how you’ve managed to put up with all my crazy mood swings.” Her eyes are pointed down at her hands, which are nervously picking at the lint on her blanket.
“You put up with mine for years, it’s the least I can do.”
She glances up at me for only a second, then pauses before taking a deep breath. “When you were gone, it was easier to convince myself to hate you than to grapple with the fact that I might still love you. And sometimes I still feel like there’s too much baggage for this to work. But when we’re together, when it’s just the two of us, I can’t pretend like I don’t feel at home. I feel a happiness that I haven’t felt in so long, but that’s what scares me.”
I reach over and rest my hand on her thigh, willing her to keep talking because I’m afraid that if she stops, I might never hear everything that’s on her mind right now.
“I think sometimes…I feel like I don’t deserve you. Or anyone for that matter. I feel like I should just be alone–because it would be easier, there’s less risk of getting hurt if I’m alone. Sometimes I search for a reason to be mad at you when there isn’t one, just to create distance between us. It’s because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I’m afraid of feeling happy, because I know how much it hurts when that happiness is ripped away.”
If only she knew how deeply I understand those feelings. For most of my life, I’ve felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. Like there was just something so deeply wrong with me that it caused everything good in my life to eventually disappear. It’s the reason I never felt like I was good enough for the woman sitting in front of me right now. Somewhere deep down, I knew she’d eventually disappear too, and I felt like walking away first was the only way I’d survive it.
“Opal…” I sigh. “You deserve so much better than I could ever give you. But that won’t stop me from trying to be the absolute best man I can possibly be. If there’s any reason for me to change, it’s you. And our child.”
A small, sad smile touches her lips before it disappears. “I’ve never been so afraid ever before in my life. When you left, I was afraid then because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to lose you. But now? It’s even more terrifying imagining myself going through that same thing, but with a child to look after.”
I shut my eyes, a dull pain radiating through my chest as her words burrow deep inside of it. “I understand.”
“But…I’m also afraid of not giving this another chance, and missing out on what could be.” I peek up at her, and her sad blue eyes are carefully studying mine. “Maybe things had to fall apart for us to know how to put them back together the right way.”
“So,” I start.
“So…” She grabs my hand and intertwines her fingers with mine. “Maybe, we could make this work. I mean, if you still want to, that is.” A blush crawls up her neck as she nervously looks away again.
I can’t stop the smile that takes over my face, my whole body fills with a warmth that I can’t even put into words, and I do my best not to crush her as I wrap my arms around her body, pulling her against me. “It’s all I want, Opal. For the rest of my life, it’s all I want.”