Knock Him Straight Over
The house had only one heartbeat that next morning.
One pair of feet creaking the floor.
No coffee in the pot.
No breakfast at the kitchen table.
Dad had sent me a text. At the office. Oatmeal in the cabinet.
He actually thought I was stupid. He worked from home. What office? There was no personal office for him.
I didn’t know where he’d gone that morning—or the other mornings he’d also be gone—but the clear message behind the lie was crystal.
It wasn’t easy fixing old wiring. And sometimes you couldn’t.
I wanted this, to discover, to have a life. I didn’t want to live through silent, and now absent days, feeling even more alone inside these walls.
But the damage was done.
My nights of sneaking were over.
And my days were just beginning.
It was like a ray of light through a cloud.
Another being seeing Levi in the sun.
It was a nerves-inspiring, momentous occasion, so I wore the cutest summer outfit I could find, that he hadn’t seen me in yet: a pair of striped shorts with extra buttons, and a simple light blue top, but I tied it into a knot off to the side to shorten it some and show the smallest sliver of my hip.
You never forget that first outfit you put on with the real mindset of impressing a boy.
I piled my hair on top of my head in a big bun, then pulled some tendrils from around my ears to frame my face, wetting them back into more of a curl, tighter with little flyaways.
My hogwash grandmother used to call them my curly cue sideburns.
And I guessed I’d just decided to hate—strong word but I was exuding strength—everyone who ever left me.
Except for my mom. Leaving me wasn’t her choice.
On the way out, I checked myself over in the mirror, that came with the house, attached to my closet door, and smoothed some ChapStick on my lips. It was the only “makeup” I had and it had no color tint, but my lips had a natural pink hue so I didn’t exactly need a tint. But they had some shine now and I gave myself a smile through a giggle.
I didn’t have much, so it wasn’t much, but if Levi thought I looked great in my pajamas and my frizzy hair, I’d knock him straight over with this.
He remained standing when I walked through the door of his work, surprising him, and he was that , as he froze talking to a customer from where he stood behind the counter.
It was like the first time we met, that pause from both of us, his lips coming together in that soft way around my name again. That held breath blown from his mouth as he then released his last few words that were stalled to the customer, one of them being sorry .
I chewed my stretching smile as he held up a finger at me, and I moved with the invite toward the counter and perched up.
And it was just as I’d imagined: me, waiting for Levi to finish with the customer, who gave me a curious look on their way out.
In the breather, Levi stole mine, too, when he rounded the counter and stopped in front of me, his hand so close to my leg I could feel the heat. “Hey.” His eyes held mine and I sighed over how much brighter they were in the day. He perched up beside me. “You’re here.”
“You’re here too,” I said, the flirt in my tone popping his dimple.
Our gazes were still locked in, until his traced down my face, lingering at my lips, and I strained to either not fold the new shine away or pass it on to his.
He reached out and twirled a finger in my curly cue, the move as natural and intentional as could be. Then he blinked, his hand lowering back down with a flush and an apology. “I should’ve ask—”
“You can touch me.” It was an overeager blurt, but I needed touch. His, in all his ways.
Levi’s eyes closed and I caught a squeeze in them before they opened again, right as the door opened, too, and more customers walked in.
He sighed as his feet reconnected with the floor, and I couldn’t tell if he was relieved or felt inconvenienced by the interruption, as I did. So when he met my stare and said, “You can hang around,” I responded to the suspicion of relief.
“Do you want me to?” Levi could confuse me, and I had to be sure.
“Hang around,” he said, with an eagerness like mine, making me sweat more than the summer heat with his boyish grin. Then he pointed his thumb toward the counter and I was sliding off to join him behind it.
He showed me the way of the shop and the sale, as if I were his trainee, and I worried he’d get into trouble, but he assured me he’d be fine. And I personally was more than fine, inside these walls and beside this boy.
All I could register was him. Not what he said, but how he was. He showed his sparkle with every person he spoke to, the most enthusiastic I’d ever seen him, but still in his almost subtle way, and a bit more fluid. He moved with his words, his deep love for the sea and this community that lived within him waving off his skin like this gravitational pull for everyone around him, including me.
I experienced Levi in this element every day that I could, without becoming a bother for his boss.
On his days off, he showed me around the town, all the places I could now be introduced to being not restricted to the dark.
The places worthy of a spot in my memory, other than Jeanie’s Flower Shop, were the ones that had food. Linda’s Diner was my favorite. It was vintage and homely and had the most delicious burgers and fries. I loved the fries so much and scarfed them down so quickly, Levi let me eat some of his off his plate. That settled like a Big Deal, and we even shared a cup of ketchup.
There was also a cafe and a donut shop I loved, but nothing beat the diner.
Levi would ask me to bring along my favorite books and I showed him a few, reading him some of my favorite passages, by his request too. Nothing that could get me hot and bothered with nothing to do about it; more laughs and angst and sadness. Words that lived more in my soul. I was comfortable to cackle with my mouth full and shed tears around him now, so those outcomes were safe bets.
Peppered around our alone time, he introduced me to his and Adam’s friend group. It was a pretty even mix of girls and guys. I imagined I was already part of the group, because the more time I spent with Levi, the more I felt I would be.
My favorite was Bonny. She was like Levi. More open and genuine in her friendliness.
None of them were named Nadia.
Adam’s regular texts slowed, then stopped once he got too busy with baseball.
He and I didn’t talk about Levi. And Levi and I didn’t talk about Adam.
Levi brought up Adam once and it was when we ventured to the outskirts so he could show me the batting cages and how to hit a ball—my request.
We went at night, and under the lights, almost hesitantly, pressing the tip of his bat into the turf, he asked me, “Are you sure you wouldn’t wanna do this with Adam?”
“I want to do this with you,” I told him, the underlying message of you’re the one I want to do everything with in my tone.
He looked at me a long moment, then he didn’t bring it up again.
We went a couple more times after that one.
Dad continued to stay out of my hair. Our own worlds orbited each other, but now I was exiled from his as I explored my own.
This wasn’t just silent treatment. We were broken.
But at least he wasn’t moving us again. I checked daily for a For Sale sign to pop up in the yard, still having to keep my eyes peeled for a shadow, this one in the form of a realtor.
For sure, to my dad, I was making his life hell, but in the process, I got to touch a little piece of heaven.