Chapter 20 #2
“No.” She shakes her head against my shoulder. “Nate and I often get panic attacks. So, we decided to stick together. I’d guide him when he had one, and he’d guide when I had one.”
I smile. Those two really stuck together. “What happened when you couldn’t be together? Like if you were in class or at home?”
“We never left each other.”
“Did you ever have one when you were alone?” I ask quietly.
“Yes.” Her voice cracks, and my heart cracks along with it.
“Many, many times.” She wraps herself tightly around me, and I feel her shaking.
Tears fill my eyes. “I . . . I thought I was dying. Every time. It took hours to recover from one panic attack, and I had several every day. I was always tired, yet always anxious. They were the worst days of my life.”
She starts crying, and I hold her. I can barely keep my emotions under control. After a few minutes of gut-wrenching silence, she unwraps herself from me and wipes away her tears.
“But you get through it,” she says as she gets up from the ground. Hazel holds out her hand to help me up, and I smile. Her eyes shine with quiet confidence. “Those days are hard to get through, and it seems like they never end, but they always do. Hard times don’t last forever.”
Hazel looks at me hesitantly before telling me, “I think you should see a therapist when we get back. I think you’ve bottled a lot of things up and that it could do you a lot of good to have someone who can give you tools to manage your overthinking, panic attacks, anxiety and your expectations of yourself. ”
If Hazel said the exact same words to me months ago, I would have denied it all.
Said I have it all under control, that I don’t have anxiety, that I’m “stronger” than that.
But I’m slowly learning that I do expect too much of myself and that I am hard on myself.
It’s a pattern I’ve had for a long time that I don’t quite know how to stop.
I want those patterns to stop, and I’m willing to reach out for help now. Which is what I’ll do as soon as we come back to their town.
“Hazel . . . Why do you think I had a panic attack like that minutes ago? I never had one, and I don’t understand why it would happen now, especially when my life was so much more stressful back home.”
She sighs. “I don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s because you’re allowing yourself to feel your emotions now.
When you first got here, you seemed disconnected.
Like you’d cut off your emotions. But now, you’re working on being happier and allowing yourself to find more joy.
You’re feeling your emotions. Anxiety, panic, and fear are all emotions that we feel.
They don’t make us weak, but they make us human. ”
I smile. “That’s beautiful, Hazel.”
She grins at me. “I had days to think about why you seemed so much happier and radiant now, so I had the answer ready for a while.”
A branch cracks close to us, and we turn around at the same time to find Layla.
“Hey, girls! I’ve been looking for you both everywhere! What happened?” she asks, her worried eyes scanning us from head to toe.
I smile as my heart warms.
“Yeah, everything’s good, Layla,” Hazel says with a grin.
Around Layla and Hazel, I can’t help but feel anything but alone. These women understand me in more ways than one, and having them around me makes the possibility of disrupting their trip a faraway memory.
Because I know they want me here.
Layla hugs us both from behind. “You know I’m here if any of you need to talk, right?
Hazel?” Her face turns in Hazel’s direction, and I stare at both of them.
“I know some things have been tense between us but . . .” Her voice cracks and, without even thinking about it, my hand reaches out to hold Layla’s.
“I want you to know that I’m there for you.
You can talk to me, okay?” Both of their gazes turn to me, and I feel exposed. Vulnerable.
“Stella.” Layla’s voice softens, and Hazel smiles warmly at me.
“I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by our thoughts. You’re not alone.
I’m your friend, and you can talk about those things to me, because .
. .” Tears fill her eyes, and she stops speaking.
A tear slips through Hazel’s eyes, and my own vision gets blurry.
God, this is such a heartfelt moment, and all of us are about to cry.
I launch myself in their arms. We’re all crying in each other’s arms, and I’m shielded from the world. Nothing can reach me with those women around.
I barely register Isabella coming to join us, wrapping her arms around us, warmth settling in from her magic.
They’ve taken such a special place in my heart in only a few days. They make me feel seen and understood even in silence and comfort me without me having to ask.
“Because we’re your friends, Stella,” Layla whispers in my ear, and my heart feels overloaded with more love than I thought possible. “We’re here for you when you need us, and we’ll keep being there for you, whether we’re in the same town or not,” Layla finishes.
We stay in this group hug silently long after our tears are dried and smiles take their place.