2. Rainah
CHAPTER 2
RAINAH
The fact that I’d been in bed for almost an hour and was still wide awake annoyed me. Especially since I had to be up in five and a half hours. Pushing out a dejected sigh, I turned from my back onto my side. The moment I decided to move back to Ausnor Beach, I knew that running into Jeovanni was a possibility but knowing that my grandmother had to have open heart surgery made it easy to say so what. There was no way I was going to be living eight hours away from her after such a serious operation. I packed up my apartment and left Charlotte, North Carolina with no hesitation.
It had been six months since my grandmother’s surgery. Six months since I’d been back in Ausnor Beach, so the fact that I was just seeing Jeovanni was good. Especially since our grandmothers both still lived on the same street and when I first got back, I lived with my grandmother for two months. There were a few times I saw fancy foreign cars in Ms. Mitchell’s driveway, and my heart would slam into my ribcage even though I had no way of knowing if the car belonged to Jeovanni or Jovani. Just knowing that Jeovanni could possibly be directly across the street stalled my breathing and quickened my pulse each and every time.
The fact that I’d only been with two men since Jeovanni was crazy to me. When I first left for school, I was crushed. My three-week summer fling came to an abrupt halt when my cousin revealed to me that Jeovanni sold drugs for his grandmother. He had been my friend for almost eleven years at that point, and I felt stupid for thinking his only source of income was working in his grandmother’s pool hall. He knew me better than most, and he knew that I despised drug dealers. No matter how many years I spent crushing on him or how good the sex was, I refused to compromise my beliefs. When I was ten years old, drug dealers stormed into my home and murdered my father. Shot him execution style. But before they killed him, one of the gunmen raped my mother and made my father listen. He then shot my mother twice while the other gun man shot my father.
I hid in a closet until the police showed up and searched the house. One of them found me in the closet crying and terrified. My mother survived, but she was never the same. After a lengthy hospital stay, she got hooked on crack and disappeared. My grandmother raised me. Seeing dealers congregated on corners or hanging in front of corner stores gave me the ick. It literally made my skin crawl. Maybe not all drug dealers raped women and killed people, but they contributed to a fucked up society, and I wanted no parts of it. If I wanted a luxurious lifestyle, I had no problem working for it.
My father’s murderers didn’t just barge into the house and kill him for no reason. He was a drug dealer too, and he had been fronted some drugs. I had no clue when my father’s drug addiction started, or if my mother was doing the drugs with him. I was a normal child that lived a normal life. After school, I did homework, played outside with my friends for a bit, ate dinner, then took a bath and went to bed. On weekends, I stayed with my grandmother. From what I could remember, there was never any odd behavior going on with my parents. But for whatever reason that last time, my father sold the drugs and kept the money or used the drugs and made no money. I would probably never know which one it was, but I knew he was killed behind it. My mother was raped and almost killed.
My father shouldn’t have taken their drugs but in my opinion, what they did was inhumane and overly cruel. Even though my mother survived being shot, I still ended up losing both of my parents. That night left me with trauma and PTSD, and drug dealers triggered my anxiety. I refused to make an exception for Jeovanni. The moment I chose to walk away from the friendship with Jeovanni, I was proud of myself, but it still hurt. It hurt a lot. The hope was that eventually, with me living in Charlotte, the pain and emotional turmoil would subside. I prayed the saying out of sight out of mind was true, but it didn’t apply to me. I was pretty sure that I thought about Jeovanni way more than he ever thought about me over the years.
It didn’t look like sleep was going to come anytime soon, so I sat up and tossed the covers back. Slipping quietly out of the room, I tip toed to the kitchen and pulled the refrigerator handle slowly. There was a bottle of wine that had already been opened inside. It was late and despite not being able to sleep, I was tired. Too tired to even grab a glass. I turned the bottle up and drank straight from it like it was a forty ounce of beer. The act was good and ghetto, and I didn’t care.
The savory red wine was sweet and expensive. I knew I would get the buzz I needed to finally be able to get some sleep. I had an important interview coming up. The moment I got back to Ausnor Beach, I took the bar to be able to practice law in Florida. After being by my grandmother’s side my first few months in town and making sure she was okay, I had to start looking for a job. Several sips of wine had me buzzing, and I was confident that sleep would finally come. The moment I entered my bedroom, I halted at the tiny body in my bed.
“Jason, what are you doing in my bed?” I asked as I walked over to the bed and got in beside him.
“Jordan got in the bed with me, and he keeps kicking me. He sleeps too wild,” he grumbled making me chuckle.
“So, you left him? And you know when he realizes that you aren’t in bed, he’s going to come looking for us. Then, he’s going to get in bed with us, and both of you will be kicking me.”
Jason gave a passive shrug. “Your bed is bigger than mine.”
I chuckled again and before I could close my eyes, a sleepy, frowning four-year-old was walking in the room. “You left me by myself.”
“You were kicking me.”
“Okay, okay, it’s late. Come on, Jordan. You two have to be up in a few hours. You need to go to sleep.”
I had been trying to get them out of my bed for the longest time, but it was challenging. Two weeks after I walked out of Jeovanni’s life, a positive pregnancy test made me aware that unless I had an abortion, we would be tied together for the rest of our lives. I was about to start my third year of college, and I knew law school and a baby wouldn’t be easy. So, I made an appointment to get an abortion. When they did the ultrasound and made me aware that there would be an extra charge because I was carrying twins, I couldn’t go through with it. I cried because keeping two babies would be extra hard, but how could I abort two babies? I never knew such a cruel blessing could exist.
The decision to keep my babies was torture. I cried every day for three months. I was sick as a dog and hated waking up every morning going to class. Morning sickness had me exhausted and losing weight because I couldn’t keep anything down. Being pregnant with twins was a nightmare. Around the fourth month, I started feeling extremely bloated and uncomfortable. One baby was underneath my ribcage, and it hurt so bad. I cried more during my pregnancy than I did in my entire life, and I’d been through some shit. Not to mention, I didn’t have any support in the beginning because I was too ashamed to tell anyone. When my grandmother found out, she kept telling me to tell Jeovanni, but I couldn’t. I knew keeping the babies a secret from him was wrong but in my mind, I was protecting my sons from potential danger.
The same way I could have been killed for my father’s indiscretions, my sons could possibly be harmed for Jeovanni’s, and I refused to let that happen. Just because I chose not to abort my babies didn’t mean that I had to subject them to a life of crime. Being in Charlotte didn’t stop me from hearing Jeovanni’s name, and he was knee deep in the game. Knee deep and rich. Jordan and Jason were getting older, and they had questions about their father. Questions that I didn’t know how to answer. I simply told them that when I moved away for college, I lost contact with him and that I’d try to find him. I felt guilty for lying to my sons, but I refused to paint myself as a bad guy for wanting to keep them away from Jeovanni’s lifestyle choices. Ms. Mitchell still lived in the hood, but even she had upgraded to a foreign car.
A mother affiliated with the mob and a grandmother that sold cocaine. Jeovanni was surrounded by drug dealing and Lord knows what else. Maybe he’d simply been a product of his environment, but that didn’t have anything to do with my sons. Sons that were the spitting image of their father and uncle. I used to get so annoyed when I’d be out in public with my children and was mistaken for the nanny because my rich dark complexion was a total contrast of their golden skin tone. Just as Jeovanni and Jovani had thick curly hair, so did my sons, and I had never cut it.
Snuggling up underneath the covers and cuddling with my sons, I came to the harsh reality that I’d have to tell Jeovanni about the children we conceived before I left for college. But that didn’t mean strict boundaries weren’t going to be put in place. I had no clue how Jeovanni would take the news, but sleep finally found me, and my worries ceased for the moment.
* * *
The next day, with a smile on my face and my legs crossed, I completed my new hire paperwork. The interview lasted less than ten minutes before I was being offered a job as an attorney for Waldorf and Associates. Tony Waldorf was one of the coldest lawyers in the city, and I now had the pleasure of working for his firm. When he showed me my office, it was hard to contain my excitement. The space was huge, and the floor to ceiling windows gave an impeccable view of the city. There was a television mounted on the wall, and ideas of how I was going to decorate the room swirled around in my head.
The break room was stocked daily with fresh pastries and various other snacks that were ours for the taking. The fridge was also stocked with both still and sparkling water, an array of juices, and sodas. A glimpse of a photo hanging on the wall made me aware that I would be the only African American female on the team, but it didn’t bother me, and I hoped it didn’t bother them. If it did, they’d just have to deal.
When I left Waldorf and Associates, I went home to change, cook, clean, and do laundry before picking the boys up from Pre-K. I was starting work at the perfect time because Jordan and Jason would be going to kindergarten in a few months, and I wanted to enroll them in private school. It was my goal to provide my children with the best life possible by working hard and making it happen. Just because I hadn’t allowed Jeovanni to help me financially didn’t mean I didn’t want my children to live privileged lives.
Moments before I arrived at the boys’ school, I got a text from PJ. He had been hounding me every few days to go out and while my grandmother loved having the boys over, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be hanging out with PJ every other day. Dating for me was a touchy subject. In Charlotte, a social life was pretty much nonexistent because I had no family there and didn’t trust just anyone with my kids. I didn’t even enroll them in daycare until I absolutely had no choice. If I wasn’t at school, we were together. When I first got back to Ausnor Beach, even though my grandmother was having health issues, I still had cousins and aunts that wanted to keep the boys and get to know them. It was finally nice to be leaving the boys with people that I truly trusted, so I could have the break that all mothers deserved. But I wasn’t at the point where I constantly wanted to be away from them.
PJ was cool and incredibly handsome with his dark skin, thick, dark eyebrows, and cornrows. I loved that he was a police officer, and he often joked that even our careers went together, so we should too. I told him that I wasn’t in a rush to jump into anything serious, and he said he understood. But over the past month or so, he’d been very persistent. Just as I was becoming comfortable with possibly getting a bit more serious with him, I saw Jeovanni, and my heart fell into my ass. Suddenly, being with PJ felt wrong. Which was absurd.
The moment the boys got in the car, Jason’s nosey behind saw the Tupperware bowl that was placed on my passenger seat. “We’re going to grandma’s?” I often cooked and took her food.
“Yeah, we’re going to stop by for a few minutes. Sit back and put your seatbelt on.”
“I want to stay for more than a few minutes,” Jordan spoke up.
My chest tightened. The boys loved being at my grandmother’s house, and I was guilty of depriving them of knowing a host of other family members. Ms. Mitchell, Jeovanni and his brother. My boys would think it was so cool that their father was a twin too. The mere thought of breaking the news to Jeovanni made all of the saliva in my mouth dry up. My heart raced, and my palms sweated. I had to tell him though. It was time.
In the backseat, the boys chatted a mile a minute and once we arrived at my grandmother’s house, they raced from the car and bolted onto the porch before I could even take my seatbelt off. Chuckling, I shook my head and grabbed the container of food. Inside the house, the boys were telling my grandmother about their day, and she listened with a smile on her face as if they were telling her they won the Nobel Peace Prize or something.
“Can we stay the night?” Jason whispered as Ashton walked through the door.
“Jason,” my tone was stern. He loved giving my grandmother puppy dog eyes and asking for things he knew I’d probably say no to.
“Jason what?” she asked me. “Yes, my babies can spend the night if they want to.”
All I could do was shake my head.
“Cool,” Ashton chimed in. “We can go out tonight to celebrate your new job.”
A cloak of confusion covered my face. “How do you know I got the job?”
“Did you get the job?”
“Yes.”
“Good, we’re going out.”
The boys talked my grandmother into letting them stay, and Ashton talked me into going to a strip club called The Pleasure Pad. I went home to get dressed. I was an adult. A job was a normal adult thing to have, but if Ashton wanted to celebrate, we could do that for sure. I took a few shots to pregame and by the time she picked me up, I was in a great mood. As she cruised through the streets of Ausnor Beach with the music blasting a sense of nostalgia overcame me. It actually felt damn good to be home.
The Pleasure Pad was packed, but I didn’t expect anything less. It was the most popular strip club in the city. Only the baddest strippers worked at The Pleasure Pad. It was easier to enroll in the military than it was to be accepted to work at The Pleasure Pad. I had never tasted wings better than the wings at Pluck It Chicken, but the wings at The Pleasure Pad came in close second. The drinks were strong, and the DJ played straight fire all night. I knew I was going to turn up and have fun.
Two drinks in I was hype as hell rapping along to Ken the Man. I turned toward Ashton and started rapping. “I get even I’ont get mad, I got too much designer I can’t kick it at no kick back, swear you niggas act like bitches wit’ yo’ bitch ass, and I be cheatin’ first, I ain’t got time to get no lick back.”
The DJ ran the song back, and my ass got even more hype. I made friends in Charlotte, but it was nothing like the bond I had with Ashton. By the time the song ended, I was sweaty and out of breath. “Girl, it’s hot in here!” I lifted the curls off my neck, so it could get some air. Ashton had been smiling, but when the smile instantly disappeared from her face, I followed her line of vision to see why.
It felt as if I’d been punched in the gut. I could feel Ashton’s gaze on me, but I couldn’t look away. Jeovanni was standing behind some big booty chick with huge lips and a coke bottle shape. She was gorgeous. Watching his hand rest flat on her belly while he whispered in her ear made bile rise in my throat. I resisted the urge to throw up.
“You ready to go?”
I still couldn’t stop torturing myself. Jovani stood a few feet away from his twin cuffing a bottle of tequila by the neck while a stripper made it clap in front of him. I turned toward my cousin and gave her a tight smile. “No, I want another drink.”
* * *
The next afternoon, the moment I came to, I groaned. I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet, and I could tell I was going to have a hangover from hell. Like an idiot, I went from celebrating to nursing a broken heart, and that shit had my head pounding and my stomach doing backflips. Slowly, I peeled my lids apart and grabbed my phone off the nightstand. It was two in the afternoon, and I needed to get myself together. It took a hot shower, a bacon egg, and cheese, sandwich, an ice-cold Sprite, and throwing up for me to feel better. I vowed to never do that shit again.
The twins loved being with my grandmother, and they probably weren’t ready to come home, but I was going to get them anyway. When I pulled up, the twins were running around in the front yard playing with the next-door neighbor’s grandkids. I gave them a hug and a kiss and went inside to talk to my grandmother.
“Joanna told me she’s coming by in about an hour to bring me some pound cake. Rainah, you ne”
“I know, grandma,” I cut her off with a sigh. “I’m going to tell him. Soon. I saw him when me and PJ went to Jonah’s. I also saw him last night at the club.” The memory of seeing him hugged up with another woman turned my stomach.
“He owns that place.”
“I figured. I knew good and well he wouldn’t be working there.” I sighed again.
“I know how you feel. Trust me, I do. I was the one here with you when you used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. That went on for months. Anytime men got loud around you, you would freeze and damn near start to hyperventilate. It broke my heart seeing how that night affected you. I can’t tell you what to do with your children, and maybe I’m na?ve, but I believe there’s a way that man can know his sons without them being exposed to what he does.”
To me, the possibilities of misfortune were endless, but I wasn’t even in the mood to put them into the Universe. From what I could remember, my father never directly exposed me to what he did, but I still could have lost my life behind his actions. If those men had thought to check my bedroom, I seriously doubted they would have let me go, but that was the past. Thinking about it too much gave me a headache. Despite my many reservations, I knew I had to tell Jeovanni about the boys.
I would have to catch him at Ms. Mitchell’s house or Jonah’s. I’d be willing to bet money that Jeovanni didn’t stop selling drugs to run a bar. More than likely, it was a cover. Just like his grandmother’s pool hall was a cover for her selling coke. I wasn’t sure if she still did, but I did know the pool hall was still standing and had been recently renovated. PJ texted me again, prompting me to remember that I never responded to him when he texted me the day before. Rolling my eyes, I moved my fingers swiftly as I sent a reply. Me time was very important but with me starting a new job and possibly trying to figure this parenting thing out with Jeovanni, I didn’t have time for a clingy partner. Well, a man that wanted to be my partner.
“That PJ?” my grandmother asked me with a hiked brow.
With a roll of my eyes, I angled my head to the left. “You are one nosey lady. You know that?”
Ida Mae gave me an unapologetic shrug. “I have two amazing great grandsons. Now, the only thing that would make me happier is you getting married before I die.”
“Please stop talking about death,” I grumbled. “You’re too nosey to die.” My grandmother chuckled while I swallowed down a lump. Joking about the topic didn’t make my chest any less tight.
The thought of losing my grandmother made me feel as if an elephant was standing on my chest. A world without her in it wasn’t one that I was ready to occupy. The first four years of raising the boys alone was hard. I was proud of myself for getting it done but seeing how much they adored their great grandmother made my heart swell. Moving back to Ausnor Beach was the greatest gift I could have given them. Now, I just needed to introduce them to their father…
If Jeovanni didn’t want anything to do with them, I would have to accept it. I visited with my grandmother for a bit longer before rounding the boys up and telling them we had to leave. They spent another ten minutes saying goodbye to my grandmother. Leaving the house, they ran ahead of me and were standing at the car waiting for me to unlock the door. When my foot hit the bottom step, I saw a white Range Rover slowing down, and my heart began to race. The windows had dark tint making it impossible to see the driver. But I had an idea of who the person behind the wheel was. I tried not to stare as my stomach did back flips, but when the window began to slowly roll down, a familiar face came into view.
My knees buckled just before realizing the driver wasn’t Jeovanni. It was hard for many people to tell the twins apart, but I could spot Jeovanni anywhere and tell him apart from anyone. Even his identical twin.
“What’s up, Rainah?” Jovani called from where his vehicle sat idle in the middle of the street.
The way his eyes were narrowed, and he kept looking at the boys, I knew he knew. My mouth went dry.
“Mommy who is that?” Jason was nosey as hell just like my grandmother.
Jovani’s brows hiked, and his eyes widened.
Clearing my throat, I rushed towards the car. “Hey, Jovani.” I gave him a tight smile and hit the unlock button on the key fob. “Get in the car, boys.”
I would run into Jovani right before I was going to tell Jeovanni that he was a father. If Jovani told him, which I was sure he was, it would make me look even worse. But, I had been back for six months. Shit, the boys had been alive for four years. There wasn’t really a justifiable excuse as to why I hadn’t already told him.
“Long time no see,” he stated slowly.
“Yeah, I know. Hopefully, I’ll see you around.” I rushed inside the car before he could ask any questions. All I could do was wait for all hell to break loose.