Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Real
Griff was still half out of it, but he was very much aware that Mal was holding fistfuls of his shirt and gazing at him like he thought he would never see him again.
That had been so close. Too close. He had caught some of what the wraith said, enough to understand that they had all narrowly escaped eternal servitude. A fate worse than mere death.
Reaching up with a shaking hand, Griff touched his tender throat, sure that bruises were already blooming where the wraith had grabbed him. His wyvern-ravaged shoulder, however, remained too numb to feel much of anything.
“I’m going to talk for a minute,” Mal said hoarsely, while in the distance behind him, Alys finally busied herself with the kettle.
If ever there was a time they all needed a hot cup of tea, it was now.
“And you’re going to really listen this time.
Because I’ve worked too hard at getting you back into my life to give up on us this easily.
Say what you want about me, but I’m no quitter.
I’m a damn good swimmer, and I’ve kept my head above water through the worst life has thrown at me so far.
” Softer, wrapping one of Griff’s curls around his finger, he added, “I would have jumped into a fucking elf pond for you any day.”
When Alys brought over two steaming tin mugs of tea, Mal cut her a glance, his eyes shimmering with exhaustion and thanks as she quickly went on her way again.
Then he met Griff’s patiently waiting gaze and continued, “There’s no version of my existence without you in it, even when I tried to pretend otherwise.
And if I’d known, I wouldn’t have left you to die, not ever, not for a king’s ransom.
The last thing I ever wanted to be was the death of you, and the whole point of this trip was me trying to make it right, even when I still thought you hated me. ”
He paused, swallowing with a wince like there was a bitter taste in his mouth, then took a sip of scalding tea.
“No matter what you think, this wasn’t about money,” he insisted.
“I don’t get to keep a single coin beyond those silvers we found, since they’re not part of it.
The only thing I asked for in exchange for bringing back the treasure was that you’d be safe from them for the rest of your life, and I wouldn’t have to work there anymore.
That was the deal even before I knew how you felt.
Before I knew how I really felt. But now, if you still want it too, I want to make this something that’s good for both of us. Something real, so it lasts.”
Griff had plenty that he wanted to say, but Mal had asked to talk first, so he simply squeezed the other man’s forearm—the one without the angry-looking tattoo—to encourage him to keep going.
“Look, maybe making a bargain with the Shadow Queen was the stupidest thing I could have done, but there didn’t seem to be any other way to get what I needed—which was you no longer being a target.
How would you feel if you’d been responsible for my near death without realizing it until later? ” Mal asked, frowning into his tea.
Now that Griff sat and really thought about it, it made sense that Mal would be working where the good money was.
It also made sense that he didn’t care what he was being asked to do, to a point.
Mal had grown up listening to Wynnie, after all, and wanting to impress her.
But what made the most sense of all was Mal having no idea what his boss’s motives were, not wanting to know more than he had to, and not knowing he was helping with something that had nearly cost Griff his life.
Not knowing was the worst.
Griff hadn’t known Mal was in so much trouble in Thrallkeld. He’d been too busy being above it all with the elves, and Mal had died, alone and friendless and without the person who claimed to love him.
He couldn’t hold what Mal hadn’t known against him, not if he wanted Mal to forgive him for not coming to Thrallkeld back when.
“I’d feel like shit. I do feel like shit, because I already know exactly what that’s like.
It’s how I’ve felt since I found out you were alone and eating rats in a tunnel somewhere without me.
” He reminded himself then to speak more slowly, using his other hand to sign now that half of Mal’s hearing was gone.
“One thing I’m sure of is that you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose.
I know your heart, so I know you don’t support the dark queen, but—being in business with her people? ”
“I’m in business with business,” Mal insisted, still clutching Griff’s shirt with one hand like it was giving him strength.
“Look, there are plenty of other things we didn’t know about each other before this trip, yet here we are, together and in love.
Or at least, I think we are.” Before Griff had a chance to offer any kind of assurance, he added quickly, “I have to make a living somehow. Pants don’t last very long, nor are they cheap.
But I’m done with Her Dreadful Majesty once we bring this treasure in.
For good. Fuck her agenda and her gold.”
“Horses aren’t cheap either, and you still owe me one,” Griff reminded him, making a little galloping motion with his fingers to get the point across.
There were so many signs he could improvise for them.
He was going to have fun with that, if they survived the rest of their time in the Mire.
Because even if it wasn’t easy, he still wanted this thing with Mal.
The thief grinned and slowly leaned closer, as if assessing his welcome back in Griff’s presence.
“I’m going to have to buy you a fancy cane too, for that ankle,” he murmured, finally letting go of the shirt to run his hand over the top of the bandages on Griff’s lower leg.
“You’ll never want for anything with me, even if that means working overtime for life. ”
“I already don’t,” Griff insisted, reaching for that hand. “You say you want something real, Mal? Well, I’m real. You’re real. How much I love you—that’s real too. If it wasn’t, if I was choosing someone else, I would have gone home well before now. Liam or not.”
Mal frowned at the name, just as he had done earlier when he was shouting it at Griff.
“I love you too. But I don’t need any more apologies or pretty words.
No promises, just proof.” He held Griff’s gaze a moment before continuing, “You know that person you loved all those years after you left for Stormveil? He wasn’t real.
That was just you, conjuring a phantom of me. ”
“I did love imaginary you,” Griff said, taking his first generous gulp of tea even as he kept his eyes on Mal’s. “But I love this you too, the more I’ve come to know you. And I want to figure this thing out just like you do. Build it so it lasts.”
“Well then. More than anything, I need to know that I’m enough for you, just like this,” Mal admitted quietly.
“And maybe, as much as I want that, I need to show you that you’re enough for me too.
The part where I want more with you than I ever have with anyone else?
That’s real too.” Tears slid down his dirty cheeks, and he didn’t glance away or try to wipe them.
“I may have kissed a lot of girls, but you—you’re my best ever, and you always will be.
And all those big plans of mine? The travel, the castle, spending all those silvers?
I chased them so hard because I’m the only one who’s never let me down, but that’s not giving you a real chance to show up for me.
And lately I don’t give a damn about any of those plans if you’re not in them, if that wasn’t clear.
Without you, they’re no good, and I’m done dreaming.
You’re my biggest dream. My castle. My world.
None of it matters without you at the center. ”
Griff’s lips parted, but for once, no sound came out. He had to hope there was plenty of love in his eyes to light the way. To trust that that was enough.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about curses lately too,” Mal continued in the silence that was rapidly thawing between them.
“Mostly mine. When we fought, when you left for Stormveil, you told me I wasn’t anything to you and said I should leave too.
And I just … went. All the way to my death.
I held a knife to my own throat time and again. Just like you, only in different ways.”
His fingers trailed over the flask in the pocket of his jerkin, and Griff tensed, anticipating the scent of whiskey.
But instead, Mal only said, “Doesn’t feel like there’s much room for this thing in here anymore.
Not with your letter and those blueprints to carry too.
It’s starting to feel like … maybe I’ve outgrown it. ”
Griff reached for Mal’s fingers, drawing them away from the flask and toward himself.
“I never planned to tell you how I felt about you,” he said after a little while, using his free hand to sign again.
“Thought I’d take it to the grave. When we came out here, before it slipped out, I was afraid to look at you sometimes.
I thought you’d be able to sense it somehow—that I loved you—and I was so sure you wouldn’t feel the same, that you’d use it against me as one more way to mock me to my face, or behind my back.
But that was deciding for you, wasn’t it?
Not even giving you the chance to really choose me, not letting you try to show up either. ”