Chapter 8 #2
“That you wouldn’t give her.”
“I can’t. I had a vasectomy.”
“Just as well. You’ve got the oldest sperm on the block now.”
“Shut up. Why are you in my house, again?”
“Because you still think I’m charming and devilishly handsome.”
“No.”
“Because you like the way I look in your apartment.”
“No.”
Liam placed his elbows on the counter and threaded his fingers beneath his chin. “Because you still think about me after all this time.”
“Of course I do!”
Well, that made Liam jerk back. Wasn’t expecting him to actually be honest.
“Why the hell wouldn’t I still think about you? You were a major part of my life. Just like Sydney. My daughter adored you. I was on cloud nine.”
“So…” Liam swallowed the lump in his throat. “What changed?”
Benson sighed. “I don’t like complicated. You know that.”
“Right. Things fell apart when I pointed out that we needed to open our relationship even after being married. Beyond sex.”
“And I freaked out. Yes.”
“And I tried to move on.”
“So did I.”
“Ben…” Liam held his head in his hands. “Stop messing with me. Just say what you mean. I can handle it.” For Eden. That’s what he told himself.
Before he assumed that Benson had no idea what he actually meant, the man said, “I’m not going to deny what you and I used to have.
That would be stupid, especially now that Eden knows about it.
But she’s my focus. She wants you involved, and since it aligns with my other interests…
for now, I’m fine with it. But I don’t want to send you mixed messages. ”
“Way too late for that, dude.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not fair to you. I realize that.”
Wow. Big of him to admit. One of the pinch points of their long-term relationship had been Benson’s inability to wear his heart more on his sleeve, even when alone with Liam.
Over the two and a half years they were together, Benson gradually revealed that he had never been emotionally intimate with another man before, so it took him a while to open up like that with Liam, despite claiming to love him.
It was a big win for both of us. This was a man who adamantly refused to ever be the little spoon with anyone.
And the man who would sexually experiment with strange men he cruised for, but when it came to an actual relationship, he wanted things a certain way.
Namely, he was Daddy. Except Liam only called him that in jest.
They had been making tremendous progress after getting engaged. They were about to come out to the public, something Liam had wanted for years. Then…
“Me saying that we should get another girlfriend after getting married isn’t the real reason you broke up with me,” Liam said. “It was just the catalyst, right?”
Benson didn’t say anything. That usually meant he agreed.
“You were already looking for an out. I should have seen it earlier.”
“It’s not your fault,” Benson said. “For what it’s worth, I felt awful after we broke up.”
“You mean after you dumped me. And, no, it’s not worth much.
You fucking wrecked me, Ben. I was building my life around you.
We lived together.” Not on paper, but half of Liam’s daily things were in this apartment, and they spent six out of seven nights together.
To the point that Liam often couldn’t sleep in the bed in his own apartment because it wasn’t “quite right” after he got so used to Benson’s.
“We were getting married. I was going to shove you down my parents’ throats, and you were going to buck the status quo in your industry.
Just so we’re clear, I’m convinced that both Perkins and Lark would have shown up to the wedding.
” It wasn’t going to be a big ordeal. Fifty people maximum, and outside of a very private ceremony, the main bulk of the wedding would have been a reception at a hotel downtown.
I even promised I wouldn’t hire a drag queen.
Liam was totally gonna hire a drag queen behind Benson’s back.
“I’m sorry.”
“I appreciate your apology, but look at us, in a quagmire again. All because of pussy.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a great pussy.”Liam was so caught off guard that Benson just said that he almost didn’t hear the tea mug hitting the island in finality.
“I love her,” Benson said. “Eden. I love her.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“The way she looks at me… in and out of the bedroom… it’s uncanny.”
“I’m familiar with the feeling.”
“Reminds me of…”
Benson didn’t finish. Me. It reminds him of me.
“This is so fucking stupid,” Liam said, hands gesticulating how he really felt. “What the hell are we doing? Having a midnight talk about what we used to be? Who are we now? Because of a woman? Whom we both met while doing the very thing we love most?”
“You can’t be serious. Fucking whatever women we wanted wasn’t the one thing we loved the most.”
“I’d love to know what you thought it was.”
“Battlestar Galactica.”
Liam rubbed his temple. “You really got me there.”
“It’s a good show.”
“I never said it wasn’t. I went to that fan conference with you.” Liam had even worn all the nerdy shit to give the real nerd some cover. The things I did for him…
Because of love. Or something like that.
“Do you still have feelings for me?”
Liam wanted to crawl into the cupboards beneath the island counter. “What do you think? You were my first real love, or what the hell ever.”
“Seriously?”
“I never loved someone as much as you.”
“And now?”
“Ben… you kicked me out. You canceled our wedding plans. You blocked me on your phone and went off the grid. What do you think I feel?”
He grunted again. “Complicated.”
“Now, you tell me… do you still have feelings for me?”
“I don’t—”
“Feelings that could get in the way of you being in love with Eden, and giving her everything she deserves… even if I leave the picture?”
“You are—”
“Because I don’t think that—”
“Would you shut the hell up and let me talk? Of course I still care about you!”
“Well, then.” Liam pushed aside his half-empty can. “Guess I now know why you really invited me over before you go to bed.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Oh, no. We’ve only been fucking the same woman – at the same time – while passionately making out in between and even showering together.”
“With Eden. We showered with Eden.”
“Did I ever tell you that’s how we met?” Liam knew this game so well that one would have thought they had slipped into it on purpose. “In the showers. She was on shift before bed, and a very lovely hostess guided me to her after I got in late.”
“Bet you loved every moment of it.”
“Oh, I did. Especially when she told me that she had just been railed by another man at the Black Light party.”
Benson looked like he was about to lunge over the counter.
“That was you, big guy. I got all horny over thoughts of her fucking you.”
“You didn’t know it was me at the time.”
“You bet your big, muscular ass I imagined it was you, though.”
“Are you flirting with me?”
It was such an earnest question that Liam laughed. “You’re so hopeless, Ben. You still don’t know the difference between a man flirting with you and seducing you? It’s not subtle!”
“I’m used to men saying, ‘Hey, wanna go?’ and we go. Sometimes we say nothing.”
“That reminds me of my first time with a certain someone. Someone I had to teach some manners to, by the way!”
“Sorry, not all of us were sucking dick in college.”
“Senior year of high school, but six of one, big guy.”
“You went to high school in North Carolina.”
“Yeah! Lots of guys into gay shit in the Carolinas! Do you know who one of their governors is?”
“I try not to think about it.”
“Like you try not to think about how repressed you were for all those years you were with Sydney?”
“Don’t bring her into this.”
“The woman who tried to use me against your custody of Drew? Why do you defend that woman?”
“She’s a good woman. We just didn’t…”
“You came out to her, and she left. Despite you sharing her with other men for years, she left the moment you expressed that you were attracted to a lot of those men.” Liam repeatedly jammed his finger into the countertop.
“I just want it on the record that I never left you after all of your confessions to me over the years. No, you’re the one who left! ”
Benson let them both stew in silence as Liam moved his fingers to his forehead. I’m getting a migraine.
“You’re right. Guess I learned it from her.”
“I loved you, Ben.” Liam was halfway off his stool, ready to leave. “But my God, you drove me crazy. You drive me crazy now. Thank God I’m a little older now, because, whew.”
“Where are you going?”
Liam was off his stool and heading toward the door. He hadn’t bothered to take off his shoes. “Home. Tired of your shit, dude.”
“Get back here and finish seducing me!”
Liam swung around, aghast. “You’re terrible!”
“Hey! Don’t let anyone say I didn’t give you the chance!”
Liam dropped his bag on the floor and marched up to Benson, who didn’t fight. In fact, wasn’t it something that he hooked his arm around Liam’s waist and kissed him just as hard?
Fuck me. This is stupid. Benson’s grip was a tether. An anchor. No. A cage. Liam didn't fight it. He surged forward, meeting force with force. This was war. A war of mouths, of teeth, of five years of goddamn silence finally breaching the surface.
Liam bit Benson's lower lip, reminding him who was in control here. Benson retaliated with a kiss that was all possession. His tongue invaded, claiming the space, tasting Liam. Go ahead and exorcise me, bro. They were trying to purge each other, to scour out the taste of loneliness and regret that had haunted them since they broke up. Liam’s fingers tangled in Benson's hair, yanking his head back, changing the angle.
He wanted to hear him gasp. He wanted to break him.