Chapter Twenty-Three
LILY
Self-loathing doesn’t begin to cover how I feel when I stare at my reflection. My grey eyes are dull, melancholy hues.
The less severe lacerations and bruising are slowly beginning to heal, but the worst of them, I can still barely bring myself to look at.
A whirlwind of emotions rises to the surface, causing my lips to quiver and nostrils to flare as my eyes begin to fill with tears—ones I’m trying in vain to keep at bay. There are times when I’ve felt numb, my tears all dried out, and other times, I can’t stop crying.
I’m weak and pathetic. Any strength I had is long gone. I hate myself more in this moment as I recollect what happened. It was simply before and now after. I was still so dazed from the aftermath of what happened with Jax, my guard completely down when Richard turned up, locking himself in my room, making me feel like caged prey.
I can still hear the sharp groan of his leather belt as he pulled it free from his belt loops, the ominous clang of the metal clasp. With the first strike, it was the sound of the leather connecting with my flesh that made me flinch, followed by the burning pain that came after, sucking the air from my lungs like a vacuum.
Even now, I can hardly get enough air into my lungs as I grip the sink, trying desperately to hold onto the present.
“Sunshine, take a deep breath for me.”
My eyes find Tommy’s sympathetic gaze staring back at me in the mirror, and I shake my head, trying to dispel my disorientation, my body not feeling like my own.
Why did I not fight back?
Will I always be this—a victim?
Unable to suppress it any longer, I unleash an almighty sob that works up through my chest and throat, releasing my tears in the process.
My knees begin to buckle, but I don’t fall as arms envelop me and pull me into a solid wall of warm muscle.
“I’ve got you,” Tommy murmurs, his arms encircling me as I press my face into his chest.
He holds me, something I don’t take for granted, especially now that I know more about him and his past. His hand rubs soothing circles on my back, his warmth slowly seeping into my frozen core.
“I didn’t even try to protect myself… didn’t even try to fight back.” The omission is like a physical weight bearing down on me.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispers, but his words do nothing to erase my guilt and shame.
I pull back slightly, looking up at him through tear-filled eyes. “How can you say that? I should have at least tried to fight back. Wasn’t that the point of River teaching me self-defence?”
Tommy’s expression hardens, but not with anger, but something much deeper. “I think whatever hold Richard had over you for all those years prevented you from acting. It’s a physiological trauma response.” His hand stops at my lower back, sending a violent shiver through me. “It was about self- preservation in that moment, and deep down, I believe you did what you needed to survive. You can’t reason with someone like Richard.”
I close my eyes, wanting so badly to believe him. To draw from the strength he’s trying to offer me. But I fear it’s in vain. The persistent self-doubt and shame are still so much louder and more insistent.
“Lily,” he says, as if sensing my inner conflict. His hands cup my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You are not defined by what happened to you. It’s not your fault. You’re so fucking strong, and I’m here to help you see that.”
A small part of me wants to trust in his words and allow him to be my anchor. But another part is afraid to give in, like I need to hold onto the self-blame and anger, at least until Mia is back and safe.
“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper, my voice trembling.
“You can,” Tommy says, his eyes never leaving mine. “And you will, I promise. But it will take time. All that matters right now is that you’re here and you’re safe.”
“But what about Mia? While she’s with him, she’s not safe.” My voice cracks, saying that out loud is like a sledgehammer to my heart.
“He dotes on her, Lily. I think it would take a lot for that to change. And the guys are doing everything in their power to track them down and bring her back to you.”
I can’t help but nod, a fragile thread of hope stretching between us. If I can get through this darkness with anyone, I believe it’s with him, and if anyone can bring her back to me, I have to believe it’s them.
“I just hate the thought of her being alone with him, saying the wrong thing or asking the wrong question. I couldn’t live with myself if he hurt her because of me.”
Letting out a long, shaky breath, I go to step back, but his hold on me doesn’t falter .
“Sunshine, none of this is on you. Agonising over something you have no control over will eat away at you. But I know Mia needs you to be strong because when she comes back to you, and she will, she will need her big sister.”
He continues to hold me, rubbing comforting circles on my back while he rests his chin on my head. I bury my face into his chest, his familiar scent enveloping me and soothing the nerves that have been running through my body.
I feel safe in his arms. If I’m being honest, I feel safe with each one of the guys, and it only makes me want to get to know them all even more.
“Can I ask you something?”
Tommy pulls back and studies me. “Yeah, sunshine, you can ask me anything.”
“Do you think you’ll ever tell me what happened, why you fear being touched?”
I swallow, aware that it’s probably the last thing he expected me to ask, and as much as it may not be any of my business, I want to know him better. I feel as though he’s seen the worst parts of me, and I want to be there for him the way he’s been here for me.
He sighs and takes a deep breath.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me, Tommy. But if you ever want to talk about it. I’m here.”
“That’s the thing, Lily, I want to tell you. I just don’t know how much I’m ready to share with you yet. I may never share everything, but if we move forward, maybe sharing parts of my past will help us do that. Because for the first time, I see a future beyond my work and the guys. I see a future with you,” he says with raw honesty.
I blink back at him. Hearing him say that out loud fills me with warmth.
“You see a future with me?” I whisper back.
He nods, his eyes a rich emerald, sparkling with honesty. “I do, but I don’t want you to feel pressured. That’s not why I told you.”
I swallow. “I don’t. Thank you for telling me.”
Tommy smiles, the pad of his thumb brushing over my bottom lip.
What I don’t tell him is how I want that, too. Because I have no idea how that would even work. Even with everything that happened, I know that somehow, each of the guys has managed to capture a piece of my heart, and the last thing I’d ever want is to be selfish with him, with any of them.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, palming the back of my neck, his eyes so intense that I could easily get lost in them.
I bite the inside of my mouth. “That I like you... that I like all of you.” The admission causes my skin to heat.
“And you feel confused, conflicted,” he summarises.
I glance away. “Yes, it’s hard to put into words.”
“I know, Lily, and you’re not expected to, either. We’ll take it one day at a time, okay?”
His eyes move to my mouth and back again. It causes my heart to race as he leans in, his soft lips a welcoming caress.
The kiss is unhurried, warm and full of affection. It’s also brief but no less powerful.
Wordlessly, he leads me back into my room and towards my bed, pulling back the covers for me to climb in.
I do, burrowing down into the soft mattress, and he picks up the book from my bedside table. “Do you want me to stay and read to you for a while?”
I smile. “You’d do that?”
“Of course.” He moves to the other side of the bed, sits up against the headboard, and opens the book.
As he begins to read, I’m lulled into a cocoon of comfort, listening to his soothing Yorkshire accent—one I’ve come to trust so much.