Chapter 40
Chapter Fourty
Aubrey
I checked my phone for the time and picked up my pace to a jog.
Sweat already clung to the back of my white T-shirt, thanks to the sun beating down on a freakishly warm day for the second week in May.
I would be a sweaty mess by the time I made it to the gym, but I didn’t have time to worry about it.
I hadn’t had time to change my chef clothes either. Or make sable cookies to arm myself with or do any of the other dozen things I’d wanted to prepare for this conversation with Gabe. Not once his earlier text had come through:
Gabe: Meeting Coach D in a little bit. You around after?
That “after” was chasing me with a rusty knife, pushing my legs faster. I needed to talk to Gabe before he met with Coach Dotson.
I’d hoped Mr. Hardt’s doctors might drag their feet with his discharge so I could catch Gabe at the hospital, but his dad had been released this morning while Mack and I were pressing submit on our competition entry.
I still might have made it if it weren’t for the internet at the catering kitchen picking today of all days to crap out. We’d been halfway through the online form before having to rush to Ardena and fill the whole thing out again, costing me an hour.
Now, I ran down Girard Ave from where I’d parked the catering van four blocks away—because of course there’d been no parking spots closer—and prayed to whatever goddess granted luck Gabe was still at the gym.
I was sucking down air by the time I reached the steps, right as the door swung open and Gabe’s impressive form filled the entryway.
“Aubrey? What are you—”
“Don’t take the job,” I blurted, still struggling to calm my lungs so the words came out somewhat normal. At least I’d caught him in time.
It might have been surprise that flashed across his face, but it was hard to tell with the the cramp stabbing my side like a carving fork. Gabe stepped back to hold the door open. “Here, come inside.”
I shuffled into the space that had become my own kind of sanctuary these past months, the familiar punching bags and weight racks helping to even out my breathing.
Gabe lowered his gym bag to the floor. “What’s going on?”
The air seemed to suck from the room as he trained his focus on me, my words no longer wanting to come out.
Not now that my initial panic had subsided, and I registered the frizzy mess my hair had become.
My armpits were damp with sweat, and I had at least three new stains on my chef pants from this morning.
It triggered a new kind of panic. One that squeezed the sides of my lungs so it felt like I was breathing through a straw.
More than with Jillian or Jase, my body resisted opening in this way for fear of coming up short.
Of losing this person who for so long had been a touchpoint but now felt structural to my life.
As if he were a support beam or staircase that helped me access parts of myself I hadn’t known how to fully reach.
What I said next might change that. Maybe not so much that I lost him completely, but enough to form a wall between us. One of measured pleasantries and polite interactions that scraped my skin raw with each awkward smile.
In the dim shadows, his gaze was a spotlight, leaving me with nothing to hide behind and nothing to offer. Nothing but myself.
I almost offered more. Money to help him buy his own gym. Specifically, the money I’d gotten from my grandma’s house.
It wasn’t a ton in the grand scheme of things, but Patrick had helped me invest it after the sale, so it was more now than it had been. Enough to get Gabe a bank loan or possibly buy a place outright if he got a good deal.
But the idea sounded a lot like the voice in my head I’d clung to all those years telling me the only way anyone would care about me was if I offered something else. Something more. And I didn’t want Gabe to stay because of the gym. I wanted to be enough without anything else.
The more I challenged that voice, the more I believed I was.
Even if Gabe said no and moved to Colorado and we went back to being just friends, or whatever version of Evan’s-best-friend-slash-big-brother we became, I was enough to ask for this.
I was enough to be okay, no matter the outcome.
Knowing it freed my lungs to take a full breath and steady my voice.
“Don’t go to Colorado. Stay. I know this is your dream job, and I meant every word I said about you deserving it.
You deserve happiness. So if this job is really what will give it to you, then I want you to take it. But I also just want you.”
His eyes flared with emotion as his chest expanded, and my words poured out faster.
“I want to sleep with the weight of your arm around me and wake with you warm in my bed. I want to eat breakfast together and for you to turn me into a morning person. I want to unwind with you on the couch after an event and laugh about the wedding speeches, and I want to watch you light up as you talk about Noah’s improved speed.
I want to chase our dreams together and explore more than just sex.
I want to build a future with you. And I know you’re meeting with Coach Dotson soon, and I’ll understand if you still accept—”
His hand found my cheek as his mouth pressed to mine, dissolving the words from my lips. The tenderness of it stopped my breath as much as the kiss itself. How he lavished my lips with sweet presses as if sampling me, in no rush to stop. I rose onto my toes to get closer, equally desperate for him.
He broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to mine. “I turned down the job.”
My pulse jumped. “What?”
“I called Coach Dotson this morning. We’re meeting in a little bit to talk strategy for Noah, but I told him I can’t accept the job. That my family is here, and so is the woman I love, and this is where I want to be.”
I tried to contain my smile and failed miserably. “Love?”
He released a laugh. “Yeah. I’ve been stumbling around for weeks trying to convince myself otherwise because I thought it was better for you that way.
That my kind of love would only hurt you, but all I’ve done is fall harder.
” He stroked my cheek. “I love you. Completely. From your never-ending shoe collection to the way you talk to your plants when you water them, and how you’ll ask for to-go containers even if you don’t plan to eat the leftovers because you want the chef to think you liked it.
I love how strong you are in the way you lead your life but that you never let that strength harden you or shy away from how you feel.
“And I should have told you sooner. Should have said it last night, or at your apartment after the tournament, or on your birthday. I should have admitted it to both of us a long time ago. Just like I should have admitted you’re the reason I came back to Philly in the first place.
” He ran his thumb along my jaw. “You reminded me what home could feel like. Made me want one for real. I just didn’t trust myself to have one the way I wanted.
To have you the way I wanted. Not after everything with Mom. ”
My heart squeezed, too full to maneuver around the swell of emotion overflowing my chest. In a different way, I hadn’t trusted myself either. Maybe we’d both struggled to feel like enough.
“You do now?” I asked.
“I’m working on it. I actually asked Jase about seeing if his therapist recommends any grief counselors.
I realized none of my family has really dealt with my mom’s death.
We’ve been going through the motions, mostly trying to avoid the pain, but that doesn’t feel like enough anymore.
He sent me the link to a support group I’m going to try. ”
Hearing it brought tears to my eyes. That he’d reached a place where he was ready to face the blame he’d placed on his shoulders surrounding her death. That he was ready to try to find peace with himself.
He cupped the back of my neck and brought me closer. “I want us all to be okay, and I don’t want to run from myself anymore. I especially don’t want to run from you.”
I gripped his broad shoulders, drawing reassurance from his steadiness. “I don’t want to run from you either. Whatever kind of love you think yours is, it’s the most generous and considerate I’ve ever known, and all I want is to love you back for as long as I can. Because I love you too.”
Not the way I did when I was ten and dreaming of a bubbly, pink, perfect picture of a princess and her hero where they were always happy and nothing bad ever happened.
This love knew sorrow and doubt. It knew vulnerability, longing, and heartbreak. It was the safe space to hold each other in and find our way through.
And it was better than anything I’d imagined as a kid.
“Then it sounds like we want the same thing,” he said before dropping his lips to mine.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to kiss him back, but my smile got in the way. His grin matched mine as we broke into laughter.
“What about this place?” I asked, scanning the room. “Are you saying goodbye?”
“Yup.” He nudged his gym bag with his foot. “I grabbed my stuff. The rest will be cleared out once the sale is finalized. Probably another month or two.”
“Coach Lou accepted the offer from that developer?”
“Yesterday. Got an extra ten grand out of them because they worried he’d hang onto it longer to see if the value would go up.”
I rubbed his chest, imagining the ache he must feel at having to let this place go. “I’m sorry. I know how much you wanted it.”
“It’s okay. Coach got more out of it than I could have given him, even if I won the prize money.
He deserves to cash out and relax.” His hand covered mine and held it over his heart.
“I’ll have other chances. Find another building I can afford, and if it does well, I’ll upscale when the time is right. ”
I rose to my toes and kissed him again, loving I could just because I wanted to. “Well, in the meantime, my bed is big enough for us both if you need a place to sleep.”
He grinned against my lips. “God, that sounds good.” His hands slid to my ass where he gave a teasing squeeze, and I wondered if we had time for one last go on the mats as a final send-off to this place.
A buzz came from his bag.
“That’s probably Coach Dotson,” he murmured. “He was going to let me know when his meeting finished.”
I forced my feet flat. “I can give you a ride. I have to bring the van back to the kitchen.”
He clasped my hand, and we meandered toward the front door. “Want to come to my dad’s house for dinner after? Evan and my dad are cooking.” He flashed his brows. “We can make out in my room until it’s ready.”
I laughed, joy reverberating up my arm from where our hands were joined and bursting through me like bubbles. “You’re about to make all my high school fantasies come true.”
“Good. When we’re done with those, we’ll get back to your current fantasies.” He squeezed my hand. “Same rules apply. You tell me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.”
Heat flashed low in my belly. “Okay, but only if it goes both ways. I want to give you what you want too.”
He leaned down to kiss to my lips, then moved his mouth to my ear and whispered, “Anything you want, greedy girl. It’s yours.”