Chapter 12
ANNIE – LATE SEPTEMBER
Daddy Held Up His Shotgun
I am an absolute calamity. What was I thinking back there? I got flustered by the weather, then so worked up about Pace telling me what to do, even though he was the only one of us behaving like a normal human.
That can’t happen again. No touching. No looks. No wandering thoughts.
At the heart of it all, yes, I’m physically attracted to Pace; who wouldn’t be?
I’ve thought him mighty fine since his first ever media shot for the Bears when I was at school.
And yes, he’s really sort of awesome, a kind and pretty hilarious guy.
But my immature tantrum, my stupid Lusty-Lou, and that version of me who has thrown herself at a guy before, that was fueled by temper.
Rage that I’m still holding inside over Auston.
I’m unhinged. Guilty. As. Charged.
I’ve also been sitting in awkward silence in this now extremely dirty car, watching the storm pound off the windshield for too long without explaining myself.
So, I pull up my big girl panties that are unacceptably wet from practically gyrating against my brother’s teammate’s leg like a frisky dog.
“Tanner, when I was mad back there, it wasn’t with you. I’m sorry things got so, erm, heated.”
Sorry I behaved like a randy schoolgirl.
Another short silence that feels like hours because during it, I wonder what he thinks I mean by heat. Oh Lord. Shaking my head to rid myself of the embarrassment dripping from it, I stutter, “The– St– When I, you know, snapped.”
His eyes widen as his shoulders drop. “Right, that heat. Don’t, ah… don’t worry about it.”
Silence. Again. And I guess I should try to explain myself. No, I want to.
“Tanner, can I ask you something? Between us?”
His eyes narrow on me as if I’m a page in a journal he’s trying to read.
“I don’t want to put you in a situation. It’s— You know, never mind, I’m being silly.”
“I doubt that,” he says, earnestly. “And if it is silly, lucky for you, silly is my specialism.”
His lips curve but only on one side. Sexy. As. Hell. But not the point. “I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this—” So I’m choosing my brother’s hot teammate?
“Auston, right?” he asks.
I nod shyly, resigned or relieved, I’m not sure. “How did you know?”
“I saw your phone when he messaged you last week. I’m also used to seeing you lit up like sunshine or bantering with me, even when Nelson has kept you up all night, so I figured your, ah—”
“Mood?”
He rubs that groomed beard of his and winces. “I figured there was something on your mind.”
“Auston messaged again last night and called.”
“Is that the first time you’ve spoken to him since Nelson was born?”
“Longer. Before last night, Auston hadn’t talked to me since the day I found out I was pregnant and he told me to… well…”
Tanner nods, giving me his full attention, calm, but his hands are balled into fists and I catch the word “dick” leaving him with his next breath. It’s the smallest thing but I appreciate the support.
“What did he want?”
“He said he wants to meet Nelson. Then he said we had to go to see him in St Louis.”
“Fucking jerk,” he says, less subtle this time.
“I told him no and that it’s on him to make the effort to see his son if he wants to. But what do you think? Am I doing the right thing? If Auston’s interested, then I should be pleased he wants to see Nelson, right?”
I shrug, as if I’m expecting Tanner to answer all the questions I can’t for myself, though I don’t give him long enough to try.
“What if he messes with us then leaves again? Why bring that on Nelson? But what about the day Nelson wonders why his daddy was never around and I have to tell him it’s because I didn’t try to fix it?
That I didn’t want to be around Auston?”
I’m spiraling like a patient case in one of my textbooks – words quickening, decibels rising.
Suddenly, Tanner’s warm hands are on my face, holding my cheeks, forcing me to look into those gentle dark eyes that feel like an anchor. “Annie, this is not on you. This is not your fault. D’you hear me?”
Between the intensity of his gaze and that I feel grounded rather than lost for the first time since Auston messaged me, my eyes cloud and the urge to kiss him, to be under his protection, to be held by him, is back. I want to know how he tastes and how his lips would feel pressed to mine.
But we’re discussing Auston and my relationship with him. The very last thing I am to Tanner is an attractive proposition, obviously.
As if he’s having the exact same thought as me, he drops his hands and leans into his seat, eyelids squeezed shut.
“Is it solely about Nelson?” he asks. “Or do you still have feelings for Auston?”
“Nelson,” I say instantly. “Only Nelson and doing right by him. I actually told Auston he could go fuck himself.”
Tanner bellows out a laugh that seems to shock us both, bringing his usual lightness into this storm-darkened space. “Atta girl.”
But it’s a fleeting shift before I’m twisting my fingers in my lap.
“I’m not stupid. I know there was a reason Auston wanted us to see each other in secret and I was so blinded by him that I either didn’t see it or chose to ignore it.
But even after everything that’s happened, he has a hold over me and I felt it when we spoke.
I hate myself for it. I hate feeling it.
But it’s true. He’s the box that should never be opened but it’s never truly been closed. ”
The reality of those words make me sick somewhere deep in my stomach. Tanner isn’t laughing anymore.
“Annie, it probably won’t surprise you to know that I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a couple months, so I’m not the best man to give romance advice.
But I think part of the reason I haven’t stayed in a relationship is that it shouldn’t feel like a trap.
You shouldn’t feel as if someone has a hold over you that you can’t break.
When I do have a relationship, I want to be in it and I want whichever woman I choose to be right there with me, by choice, unleashed, happy.
I think that’s what a healthy relationship would look like. ”
“You think he feels like I tried to trap him with a baby?”
“What? Shit, no.” He reaches out to my chin, gently encouraging me to look at him. “Anyone who knows you can see you would never do that. First, it takes two people to make a baby.”
“You’re a genius,” I tease.
“Basic biology, baby.” He winks that winkety-wink of his that would, in other circumstances, have my panties in a tiz, again. “Second, you grind day in, day out in every aspect of your life. You hate handouts.”
He holds his next blink. “What I’m trying to say is that Auston… He—”
“Used me?”
He swallows, fixing on me. “You’re a million times the person he is, and you shouldn’t feel like he has any hold over you anymore. That isn’t love.”
Oof. The truth cuts like a serrated knife. I bite down on my gums, nudging my chin out of his hold.
“You’re nothing if not honest, Tanner Pace.” I force my lips up but he’s staring at them like he can see straight through my facade.
Then his thumb shifts slowly toward them and the way the simple move makes everything in my torso dance tells me that I’m in very dangerous territory. Luckily, Tanner snaps his hand back like his body called hut.
I focus on the white picket fence in front of us, mentally doing box breathing.
I need to get control of this situation and my crazy hormones.
Whatever feelings I’m trying not to catch, there’s no way Tanner has them.
I’m doing it again, coming dangerously close to crushing on a guy I don’t and can’t want or have.
Same old me.
“I’m not sure that’s what the whole town believes,” I tell him. “They cross the road from me because they think I’m a hussy.”
“Annie—”
“It’s okay.” Wallowing doesn’t suit me, or any Quinn.
“I thought the funny looks and the whispers would stop once Colton’s PR guy outed me and Auston at the end of last season.
I didn’t like all that attention but I thought, at least people know now – I hadn’t been sleeping around, I’d actually been with a guy, one guy.
” We turn our heads so we’re both facing each other. “I’ve only ever been with one man.”
I don’t know why I blurt that, except that I want him to know I’m not a slut. And he must have assumed I was because he’s stunned by the admission.
My eyes fill unexpectedly because this is my genuine reality. “But now, all they see is a girl who got herself knocked up in the hope of bagging a football star.”
“Fuck them,” Tanner bites. “Who gives a damn about a busybody in the street?”
“This is my home, Tanner. It’s embarrassing for my family. I hate going into town to even run a small errand these days.”
He nods slowly, contemplatively. “Next time you go into town, you’ll be with me.”
I scoff. “I’m sure being seen with another pro-baller will stop all the tongues wagging.”
“No, it won’t. But I’m going to be there to remind you to hold your head up high and keep that backbone of yours as strong as ever. Haters are gonna hate, Annie, I know, I’ve had my share of negative press and attention. The only thing you can control is how you respond to no-gooders.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“I’ll be right by your side showing you how easy it is.”
We listen to the rain pounding off the roof for long seconds, then a roar of thunder.
“I have dated other guys. Just not… you know. It’s always been hard for me to know who genuinely likes me and who wants to date me or even be friends with me to get close to my brother.
With Auston, he was the star quarterback on their college team.
Part of my attraction to him was the surety that he didn’t want to use me for access to Colton.
” A short laugh escapes me. “Besides that, Daddy pretty much made sure any boy didn’t dare come near me. ”
He smirks. “I can imagine Sonny Quinn fighting the boys off you.”
I get a cheap thrill from him believing the boys would have been lining up for me, even if it’s wholly untrue. “When my high school prom date came to pick me up, before he even handed over my corsage, Daddy came out to the porch with his shotgun slung over his shoulder.”
He laughs hard, giving me an even bigger thrill, like a standing ovation in a theatre. “Seriously. I don’t think he would have used it but he guaranteed that I did not lose my virginity that night.”
He covers his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. “Annie Quinn, they broke the mold with you.”
Just like that, I’m back in the easy company of the man who can make light shine through any storm.
We risk a dash for the house, still chuckling about my failed rite of passage and find Daddy and Nelson in the lounge by candlelight.