Chapter 16
ANNIE – LATE SEPTEMBER
I Can’t Do This
Betty is driving me all the way out to Austin-Bergstrom International Airport.
I’ve had to call on the nanny to look after me – albeit Nelson is sleeping in his seat in the back of her car – because I can’t tell anyone else that I’m headed to meet my ex.
That he’s making the effort to fly into Texas for two hours before flying right back to Missouri.
I’m doing what I do when I’m nervous, talking incessantly, babbling.
I’m being deceitful, which I’d pretend is uncharacteristic but when it comes to Auston, my worst traits surface.
I’m trying my utmost to keep the conversation on Betty and her life – her grandbabies and kids, why she ever moved to Texas from Georgia, why she enjoys being a nanny.
All the while, I’m tapping my boot in the footwell.
When we get to the airport, I tell Betty and Nelson, “You guys have fun at the park.” Then to Betty only, “I’ll message if it’s a good idea for you to bring Nelson to meet Auston.”
“Alright, hun. You stay strong now and if you want me to give you one of those prank calls like they do on a bad date in the movies, send a text.”
I chew my lip, nodding. I may well do that because, honestly, I’m not convinced it’s a good idea that I’m walking into the airport, looking for a six-foot two pro quarterback who may or may not have security around him.
Who – I know from experience – will be wearing a sideline cap low across his face and large black shades, probably a very ordinary pair of jeans and a long-sleeve that hides the kind of muscles that give away his athleticism.
I know because Auston has met me in secret multiple times.
I spot him sitting in the corner of a seafood bar and even while nausea rises to my throat, I clock his security guy sitting in the next booth.
Auston has his head in his phone, those trademark tight curls and close shaved sides of his hair exactly as I remember them.
I take a deep breath now because I know if I inhale deeply when I get in that booth with him, I’ll smell the scent that clouds my judgment – leather, cardamon, earth.
I forget for a second to hate him for what he’s done to Nelson and me. Me. Because he made clear from the beginning that he didn’t want me to go through with the pregnancy but he never, not one time, made clear that he had no real feelings for me beyond a convenient screw in college breaks.
“Would you like a table?” a waiter asks me, stealing my attention and bringing Auston’s from his phone to me.
“No, thank you. I’m meeting someone.” I gesture to the booth and beg my weak legs to carry me with any semblance of confidence to the table.
Auston doesn’t stand but he has the decency to turn his phone face down on the table and to sit back in his seat. “Hey.”
Hey. Ha. Simple as can be. Hey.
“That’s all you’ve got?” I ask, sliding onto the cold leather opposite him, his proximity like heat all over me.
It’s in stark contrast to his demeanor and this entire restaurant. If I’d known he’d choose the equivalent of an ice bar to meet me, I might have worn a sweater rather than this floaty dress.
“Can I get you a drink?” the same waiter asks, noticeably scrutinizing Auston, which probably means we’re on the clock, even if Auston wasn’t already waiting for a flight home.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” I say.
“Iced water?”
I really could have used something stiffer but… “Sure.” A clear head – as clear as I can keep it at least – is probably wise.
Auston’s staring at me – gawping. I’d bet he’s wondering why he ever thought this was a good idea. Ordinarily, I’d talk my way through an awkward situation but I truly am lost for words.
“You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?” he asks, and darn it, I loathe how much I like the sound of that deep, gritty voice.
I raise a brow because that question really ought to be rhetorical. Know your worth, Annie, my mama told me every time I wanted to reach out to Auston when I was pregnant and beg him to love me and our baby.
I didn’t know it then but I’m starting to learn it now. I want to set an example to my son of what a strong woman, person looks like and that isn’t someone who falls apart at the sight of a man who doesn’t deserve her time.
Auston nods. “You didn’t bring the baby?”
“His name’s Nelson. And no. Because I wanted to look you in the eye and hear what you have to say. Why are you here, Auston? Why now?”
He’s sporting a five o’clock shadow that’s immaculately shaped. I used to think it looked good on him. Now, he’s too well presented to be genuine. A player on and off the field.
He rolls his jaw – I guess he is getting a different version of me now to the putty in his hands that I’ve been in the past.
“Is it because you’re being badmouthed in the press and taunted even by your own fans on the football field? Is that why? Do you want a quick remedy, Auston?”
His eyes narrow on me and I wonder what I ever found attractive about the darkness in them. Enigma. Mystery. That’s what I used to think they held. Now, I think they’re the door to a bad soul.
“No. Yes. It’s all got me thinking. Look, Annie, I get why you’re being frosty, I do.”
Frosty? I’m frosty?
“Just hear me out.”
I gesture to the table as my glass of water is placed down, as if to say, the floor is yours.
“Would you like me to tell you the specials?” the waiter asks.
“No,” we say in unison, only I finish mine with “thanks”.
When we’re left alone, Auston sips his water and watches, shuffling his shades around the tabletop as he does. “Annie—”
I hold my next blink, wishing the hairs on my neck didn’t stand up when he says my name like that.
“I told you I didn’t want a kid. I’m not saying I’m sorry you have Nelson but I never wanted that responsibility. I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready.”
That nausea rises higher in my body until it’s sitting in my throat. How can he talk about our baby like this?
“I’m trying to do the right thing here. If you want me to get to know Nelson, I will. Maybe I can spend some time with him out of season and when I’m in Texas for games.”
“You mean be seen for a photograph with him to silence your critics?” I spit, because I’m over attempting to be nice with someone who just… isn’t.
“No, Annie. I mean, yeah, it’d be good if the entire country could get off my back, which is thanks to your brother and—”
I stand abruptly. “Don’t you dare put this on me or my family.
You may not have been ready for the responsibility of a child, Auston, but you were ready to put your dick in me without covering up.
And I am not, nor will I ever be, sorry about Nelson.
Or even that you’re his father because my son, our son, is perfect.
What you’ve got to decide is if you can look in the mirror as your son is growing up and tell yourself you’re a good man when he’s wondering why you never gave him the time of day. ”
I wish I could gracefully storm from the booth but I wind up doing an awkward shimmy, giving Auston time to grab my wrist and ask me, while anxiously looking around the few other people in the restaurant, to sit.
For Nelson’s sake only, I do.
“It’s not only the fans,” he says. “I’m – I’m sorry I hurt you.”
I scoff. “Please. You don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m not waiting around for you on a whim these days.”
He sighs. “Annie, it was more than that between us. I liked you.”
“I was a convenient fuck.”
“You know that isn’t true.”
Those words sting harder than if he’d made what happened between us meaningless. “Auston, that makes all this worse. How could you feel anything for me and do what you’ve done? You ghosted me.”
“I know. Look, I could have handled this whole thing better.” He clears his throat. “I’ve met someone. Someone… special.”
Special. It strikes me like a dagger because what he means is, I was never that.
“She’s made me want to be… different. What’s happening to me is hurting her, too. We can’t go public while all this is hanging over me.”
The backs of my eyes burn like they’re firelighters and Auston has struck a match to them. I need to get out of here.
“What do you want, Auston? A social media declaration that we’re friends now? A statement that I was mistaken and Nelson isn’t actually yours? That I was sleeping around and lured you in, trapped the pro-baller?”
Tanner’s words come to me – no relationship should feel like a trap. I didn’t mean to trap Auston but I realize that I am trapped by this whole situation. Tanner was right.
I push up to stand and this time I do make it out of the booth. “You’re off the hook. I want nothing from you. Enjoy your new relationship with the freedom of a man who doesn’t have a child he never wanted.”
I’m walking out the door when his voice comes from right behind me, too close. “Annie.”
“What?” I fire, spinning around to him, terrified that his proximity will be the thing that breaks the dams of my eyes.
“I want to do right by you both. I can set up an account for Nelson—”
“Money?” I shake my head. “God, what happened to you? Where did the guy you were in college disappear to? Confident in his abilities, yes. But someone with compassion and humanity? Or so I thought.” His security guard is ambling toward us.
“We don’t need your money, Auston. If you want to give anything, give Nelson your time.
If not, it’s your loss. He and I will be fine without you. ”
I leave the restaurant, turning one more time to tell him, “Have a safe flight and don’t bother getting back in touch, unless it’s to be part of Nelson’s life.”
I want to bolt through the airport and get far away from Auston as quickly as possible, where thousands of people can’t see my chin wobbling or my eyes glazed over.
If only I were the type of person to wear sunglasses indoors.
But I’m not. I can’t hide my identity from fans or shirk my responsibilities and think it’s okay because I make tens of millions of dollars a year. I’m just little old me.
Seeing Betty’s car as I break free of the chaos is like breathing for the first time. A ride back to the sanctity of the ranch. A baby who loves me unconditionally.
She swings into a drop-off spot and I move straight to the back of her car, taking Nelson out of his seat and hugging his smiling little face against my body, inhaling the scent of him that I adore.
But my moment of restoration is cut short.
“Annie, can we start this again? I didn’t—”
I turn to Auston in time to see him drag in a sharp breath.
His security guy is breathing heavily, so I guess they chased me through the airport and I can’t pretend not to notice the few bystanders who’ve realized that Auston Rogers is in their vicinity as they unsurreptitiously hold up their phones.
I pin Nelson to me, to shield him from onlookers and the inevitable publicity that will follow, to protect him from the man facing us, big lips parted as he removes his shades, eyes fixed on Nelson as if he’s never seen a baby before.
“Is this him?” Auston asks, still focused on our son.
I’m aware of Betty getting out of the car, my own bodyguard, as Auston becomes increasingly twitchy.
“This is Nelson,” I tell him.
For the first time in as long as I’ve known him, Auston’s cocksure armor falls away and his eyes hold a softness so rarely seen on him.
But I have seen it and look what he did to me.
I let myself believe that there was a gentle man in there and my brother saw it, too, but it can disappear as easily as it presents.
Auston steps closer to us and though my instinct is to turn my back on him, to take Nelson away from him, I don’t.
My feet are rooted to the ground, body rigid, and even while knowing he can’t possibly appreciate that the man standing in front of him is his daddy, I think Nelson is vibing from me that something big is happening, because he’s still and quiet in my hold.
Auston exhales, pushing out a breath as he takes off his cap and drags his fingers back through his thick curls. “Can I hold him?”
I wish I could ask Nelson what he wants and what’s best for him but this is all on me. I’m his protector, his guardian, his mama. And I don’t know the right answer to the question.
Betty gives me the subtlest head shuffle, telling me to give Auston a chance. So against my better judgment, I kiss Nelson on the brow and hand him over.
Auston’s fingers tremble as he takes hold of his son, holding him out the way Rafiki holds Simba in The Lion King – at arm’s length. But my little lion cub is strong. He reaches out a hand to touch Auston’s face and in doing so, forces Auston to bring him closer.
They stare at each other, Nelson touching his daddy’s face, and I’m feeling so many conflicting emotions that I can’t get a handle on any of them.
There are sounds like phones taking pictures around us and they steal my attention, bringing Auston back to the present, too. He suddenly thrusts Nelson at me. “I can’t do this.”
Then he’s gone, rushing back into the crowded airport and out of sight.
Back out his baby’s life.
Except this time it hurts even more because now he’s seen Nelson. He’s met him and he’s held him and still walked away.
It takes a matter of hours for my personal life to hit social media, again. It takes twenty-four hours for it to go viral.
What people don’t seem to grasp is that one day, my son will see these images and reels. One day, he’ll watch as his daddy publicly meets him and just as quickly turns his back on him.
One day, he’ll hurt as badly as I do now.