Chapter 19
ANNIE – EARLY OCTOBER
Come Stay with Me
What was that?
What was I doing pressing up so close to him, my hand over his? There was no intent. No conscious thought. No mens rea. See, I concentrate in class – I am not guilty of mind.
But goodness I liked it.
I’d been outside grooming the horses when Tanner arrived because it’s one of a few things that calm me.
Maisie, Luke and the other horses are the epitome of tranquility and elegance. Mama used to say we could all take lessons in good grace from fine horses.
Since seeing Auston at the airport, watching him run, again, then all the crap on social media that I just don’t seem to have the willpower or strength to ignore, nothing inside me has been at peace.
I’m rolling back my shoulders and plastering a smile on my face for Nelson, and Daddy, who’s silently as sour with me as Colton.
The brute of a man standing on guard at the front gate to the ranch – as if anyone who wants a long-range picture of the mundanity of my life can’t easily walk on the ranch at a hundred other places around the perimeter – is doing very little to quell my unease.
Ironically, the one human who has broken through all the noise, who hasn’t judged me or told me what I should or shouldn’t be doing, is a man very much in the spotlight I’m trying to avoid.
Despite everything that’s blowing up in my life, I’ve thought about the way it felt to be close to Tanner during the storm last week.
I’ve done more than think about the way he makes everything lighter, somehow.
I’ve clung to that feeling of fullness and brightness he gives me when we’re together, even while he’s covered in animal crap.
But each time my mind starts to blur the lines of friendship and more, I shut it off. Because come on, he’s Tanner Pace. A star. A player.
I’m me. No money of my own. Colton’s kid sister. Single mom. Nothing more to offer than a strong will and stoic humor.
But the way Tanner’s hand felt over mine, the way we moved, slow and steady, smooth, it made everything south of my waistline run a red light.
He’s a man I know I can’t want. I shouldn’t want.
But being around him is increasingly a safe space.
A rock steady, six-foot-three bearded giant, who’s as handsome as he is funny, and as tough as he is kind.
Completely unexpected and yet someone whose presence I’m coming to depend on because he’s the one person I’m a little bit like my old self around, and I miss her.
Who I was before everything got so messed up.
He’s become a friend. A good friend. The only one who doesn’t seem afraid of me and all my baggage.
It’s unsurprising really, since my brother is generally a very good judge of character and he likes Pace. It’s why Colton beats himself up so much about introducing me to Auston. He called it wrong, but we all did. No one more than me.
Tanner and I strap into his sister’s car and I knock the car into reverse, rolling us back from the white fence and turning onto the dirt road.
“Alright, girly, today I want to see your emergency stop.”
“Okaaaay.”
He casually points to the road ahead. “Head on out like usual and when the moment comes, you’re going to slam the anchors on. It’s easy in an automatic, mostly about spotting the hazard in good time and coming to a stop as quickly but smoothly as you can.”
“Quick and smooth?” I repeat, raising one brow.
“Like silk, baby,” he says, sliding down into his seat, settling in for the ride.
“How in hell do I achieve silk?”
He looks my way and even though I’m focused on the road, I know he’s smirking as he asks, “Haven’t you ever seen me play ball?”
“Tanner Pace, don’t you bring your cavalier attitude into my ride.”
He chuckles. I like that I can make him laugh the way he does me. It’s become something of a goal of mine.
“Brake hard, then ease your foot off the pedal at the last second,” he explains.
“You should know that I failed one of my tests because I almost put the examiner through the windshield. Are you sure you want to do this?”
He reaches back behind his seat and pulls out his football helmet, planting it on his head. “I’m all set.”
Now I’m laughing so hard I can barely drive. “I didn’t even see you put that in the car. So, are you going to tell me when to make the stop, like they do in the exam?”
He shakes his helmet-covered head. “Brake when you see a hazard, Annie Quinn.”
“A hazard? On all this open space? We’ll never stop.”
“Mmmhmm. The cows and hens might have a different view. Drive, pretty lady.”
I try not to read into him calling me pretty. The man drove to the ranch in a blacked-out car to avoid being seen with me. But the skin of my neck heats with the compliment, no matter if it was unintended.
And speaking of footballers who don’t want to be seen with me…
“How’s my brother doing, Tanner? Not only about this whole Auston mess but this season?”
He stares at me for long seconds, until he replies. “He’s doing well, so far as I can tell. A lot better than last season, honestly. He seems to be in a better place. I’m sure having Sas now is helping, his game is tight.”
I nod. “I was worried about him last season. The game is his life and he couldn’t get his head in it.”
“Actually, I think he’s realized that the game isn’t everything. It’s a big life lesson. One I’m only coming to now and I’m in my thirteenth year.”
“Such an old man,” I tease.
“Don’t I know it.”
“Stop it. You’re thirty-four.”
“That’s twelve years older than you.” He says it so quickly I know it’s not the first time he’s thought it. I have, too, and for no good reason. My focus flicks down to that big muscly thigh of his and how it felt between mine.
“Annie!” Tanner calls as I hit an uneven patch and test the car’s suspension.
“Whoopsie,” I say, fluttering my eyelids. When we’re back on track, I tell him, “Age is a number, Tanner. Life experience makes us older. Sometimes wiser.”
“Maybe.”
I don’t like the proverbial turn we’ve taken.
Why do I care what he thinks about our age gap?
I shouldn’t. So I take us back to the actual point of this conversation.
“Colton’s doing better for having more certainty this year.
The pain of losing someone is hard but the not knowing, the hopelessness of hope, that’s worse in some ways. ”
He nods in my periphery and takes off his helmet. “I get that. My mom and I got along much better once we’d decided, or I’d accepted, that my old man was never coming back.”
“Do you think it’s better to know your daddy doesn’t… isn’t… won’t…”
“Everyone’s situation is different, Annie, but I’m better off without a man who didn’t want to treat me or my mom right.”
I think we’re still talking about Tanner’s upbringing but I can’t help relating it back to my own son and wondering whether—
“Holy crap!” Out of nowhere, I see a life-size… Tanner? I slam on my brakes and right before I stop in front of the cardboard cutout of the man sitting next to me, I let off the pedal and we stop hard but without being flung into our safety belts.
“Nice job,” Tanner says as I look further into the distance to see more cutouts of other Bears players. The entire offense in life-size advertising cutouts, making hazards on my open plains.
As I look at the real, breathing man beside me, it dawns on me what just happened.
Whether it’s the relief of everything that’s been painful this last week, or simply that Tanner went out of his way to make me laugh, that’s exactly what I do.
My sides feel like they’re tearing and my ribs ache so bad it hurts more than anything has for the last year and a half.
I laugh so much I can’t catch my breath. So hard I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.
So intensely that my happiness turns to tears and suddenly I’m sobbing over the steering wheel of my borrowed car.
“Hey, hey, what’s going on? Talk to me, Annie.”
“Tanner, I think my heart is broken,” I tell him, resting my forehead into my hands.
“Then Jesus, girly, switch seats and I’ll drive you to the ER.”
I sniff-laugh and flick his bicep as I straighten. “I’m serious.”
He leans his head back and turns to face me.
“Look at me, Annie.” I do. I look deep into those dark brown eyes – the safety, the concern and all the warmth they hold.
“Your heart isn’t broken. I see you with Nelson, Sonny, Colton and Sas, even Maisie and Bear, this whole ranch and every family that comes to visit it.
You have so much love inside you and so much love to give.
Your heart isn’t broken, it’s hurting, that’s all. ”
“You think so?”
He reaches a hand to my cheek and it’s so welcome that I close my eyes and lean into his touch. “Who’s taking care of you, Annie Quinn? While you’re busy looking after everyone and everything else, who’s taking care of you?”
You, I think. I don’t say it, but I turn into his palm and I have to force myself not to kiss it. To thank him. Because no good can come of me letting Tanner know that I might like him more than as my friend.
I know I do.
And for so many reasons, I can’t.
“Come stay with me, Annie.”
Huh? I gawp at him.
“I’ll clear it with Colton first but consider it.
I live in a gated community that’s safe.
You’d be closer to school. Nelson and Betty can come, obviously.
There’s more than enough space for us all.
I’ve got a housemaid and a chef who would love to dote on you guys.
It’d be a break for you all, but especially you. ”
“Tanner, I – I can’t just move in with you. Can you even hear yourself?”
“Yeah, I can. I can hear how much sense it makes. Try it for a week or two. The media interest is going to increase over the coming week or so with the Archers game on the horizon. It’s exactly what you need.”
“What about Sunshine Ranch? I’m needed here.”
“Come home for the weekends, when you don’t need to go to college. But instead of wasting time commuting, you’ll be able to study or work on your project while Betty looks after Nelson.”
“What if Betty doesn’t want to?”
“Let me talk to her.”
I scoff flippantly, hating that this does appeal. It would be safer. It would be logistically easier. And provided I don’t let like turn into anything else, so long as I keep my wandering thoughts to myself… “Maybe it’s not an awful idea.”
“I can take you out driving on the city roads, too, and get you some experience off the ranch.”
“My brother will never go for it.”
“Lucky for you, it’s your life, not his.
But leave him to me, he’ll see this makes sense.
It’ll be doing him a favor, too. He’ll have more time to train and see Sas.
Plus, I’ve got prior with this kind of thing.
Sas stayed with me for most of last season while those two figured their shit out.
And when we get rookies who’re new to the state and the team, guess who puts them up while they find their feet? ”
He points his thumbs to his chest and smiles like he’s on a whitening toothpaste commercial.
“Try it for a week. If y’all hate it, we’ll go back to how things are. No biggie.”
“What if I get used to your private chef and your maid and your swanky house and fast cars?”
His lips curve up at one side. “I defy you not to.”