Chapter 39
ANNIE – MID NOVEMBER
Auston’s in Texas
What sunrise actually brings is the same old complication that’s starting to get really darn exasperating.
I’m woken by the vibration of my phone on the nightstand as it rings, not even getting a second to consider what happened last night or that I’m waking up after one of the best night’s sleep I’ve had, in Tanner’s arms.
Slipping out of his hold, I snatch the phone.
Pulling on Tanner’s T-shirt, the first thing I lay my hand on, I slip into the hallway and whisper, “Auston?”
“Hey. I’m about to board a flight into San Antonio for a meeting and I thought we could meet later.”
“Come again?” I take my phone from my ear to check the time. Six a.m. on the nose.
“I want to see you, and Nelson, this afternoon, in San Antonio. Does that work for you?”
I dig the heel of my hand into my forehead as I move downstairs to the kitchen. “Auston, I’m barely awake and this is more than my brain can compute. Can you try again?”
The strain in his voice tells me he’s trying not to sound frustrated as he repeats himself.
“I’ve just stepped onto a jet and I’ll be landing in San Antonio in two hours.
My agent has lined up a meeting with Coach Roy and the Bears’ GM, for nine thirty.
I don’t know how long it will take but my flight back is scheduled for three.
I’m asking if I can see you and Nelson somewhere for lunch, or playing, or whatever works for an eleven-month-old? ”
Translated from Auston speak: can I drop everything for his latest whim?
“Just like that?”
“I know it’s short notice.”
“Like, no notice.”
“Fair. But I’m coming to see you and—”
“Are you, Auston? Or are you coming to see a football team and dropping in on the kid you’ve abandoned for eleven months?”
“Christ, can we not do this? I’m coming to meet a football club for you.”
I hear the plane pilot in the background.
“Annie, I’m putting my best foot forward here. I’ve got to hang up for take-off. Can I see you?”
I’m shaking my head at how easily I roll over. “Where?”
“Where’s good for Nelson? Are you at the ranch? Can you get into the city?”
“Actually, I’m in the suburbs. I’ll think of somewhere and text you.”
He hangs up without the usual societal pleasantries and I’m left breathing like an angry dragon over Tanner’s kitchen island.
“I woke up and you were gone.”
Tanner startles me. That old feeling of having something to hide from everyone about Auston is back. What used to be thrilling and exciting feels dirty and wrong.
“I don’t want to keep secrets anymore,” I say, mostly to myself, as I turn to face Tanner.
“I know,” he says, morning gruff in his voice.
I’m about to say, about us, too, but I don’t think I need to. I can’t fully understand his level of restraint but I think I know at least some of the reason Tanner is holding out on me, on us. He might know what I need better than I know myself.
I hold up my phone. “Auston called. At long last.”
He crosses his arms across his chest, pecs bulging even under his T-shirt. “Are you okay?”
It’s subtle but the difference between him asking me what Auston wanted and how I am isn’t lost on me. Tanner always puts me first, above Auston, before our situation.
I nod. “He’s on his way to San Antonio to meet with the club. About the trade, I presume, but he wants to see Nelson and me after that.”
“Do you want to meet him?”
“You know I have to.”
“For Nelson?”
I give him a soft smile. “We’re sort of a package deal.”
He doesn’t smile back, only watches me, a line forming between his brows. “Do you need a ride somewhere?”
This man is unbelievable. Last night we were… intimate. We slept together, in each other’s arms. Today, I’m going to meet another man. One I used to be hung up on, hook up with, who fathered my child. And Tanner asks me if I need a ride.
“Thank you but no. I’ll fix a car or ask Betty to take me.”
“Annie, it’s okay, I don’t mind.”
“Quit being so nice to me all the time, Tanner. You don’t have to be. You told me you like me and when I said it back, I meant it. I also meant it when I said I’m not sure what to do with that information, then I go and do whatever it was I did last night.”
“I wanted it too, Annie. I—” He rakes a hand through his hair the way he does.
“I wanted more. But if we go all the way, there’ll be no coming back for me, so I can’t risk that you don’t feel the same.
I don’t want to be a guy you hook up with in secret.
Can you understand that? If I make love to you, Annie, I’ll be all in. ”
He knocks the wind right out of my sails. I’ve had this all wrong. Every doubt and question, it’s not his, it’s mine. I’m the one holding back.
Am I ready? Do I feel the same? If I did, if I do, how does it work with Nelson and Auston?
“I’m going to get dressed.”
As I head upstairs, I look back to see him leaning on his forearms on the island, face in his palms, and the image cuts me deep. I’m hurting him.
There’s a park in the city with a kids’ sandbox, a coffee stand and plenty of tree and cactus cover to shield a football star from prying eyes.
Betty dropped Nelson and me with his buggy, then went for a walk herself to do some shopping. I’m nervous as we head into the fenced children’s area and spot Auston right away. He looks smarter than usual – trendy jacket over tailored pants, but he has his signature cap and shades in place.
Given how badly our last attempt at meeting went – viral in every sense – I have no idea what to expect.
My voice is timid as I approach him at the coffee stand. “Auston?”
He stares at me as if I’m unexpected, then at the buggy and the little boy who looks a lot like him, watching him through big blue eyes.
“Hey,” he says, to Nelson, then me.
It’s clear neither of us knows what to do or say next. Each quiet, twitchy. Do we hug, shake hands, fist bump?
I’m grateful when the server interrupts. “Two coffees. Milk’s on the side.”
Coffee.
“I didn’t know what to order for you. Is coffee okay?”
“Sure. It’s great,” I lie, thinking Tanner would have ordered me horchata or hot chocolate.
I spent years hooking up with Auston but did we ever really talk? Did he know me?
We find a bench in the corner of the park and I unclip Nelson. Setting him down on his slightly wobbly legs, I ask, “Are you going to come see Auston?”
I haven’t started referring to Auston as Daddy and though I falter as I refer to him by name, until Auston proves he’s going to stick around, I don’t want to confuse Nelson.
“Come here, buddy,” he says, setting his coffee down on the bench and coming to bend in front of Nelson, offering his hands uncertainly.
My baby boy is the most grown up of the three of us, it would seem, tottering to take hold of his daddy’s hand and giving him a comfortable smile.
Auston walks him into the sand box and comes to sit on the edge, filling the toys I’ve brought along and building towers with them, while I sit back with my bitter drink to give them space.
I watch them play – stilted, unfamiliar – waiting for some kind of pang in my ovaries that never comes.
Though I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help comparing Auston to Tanner.
The way Tanner handles Nelson with zero apprehension.
With ease and care and playfulness all at once.
I doubt this is never going to turn into a coparenting situation but I will try my best to make sure Auston and Nelson stay connected.
Nelson starts to get ratty after only twenty minutes or so. “I’m sorry, this is his usual nap time.” Which you don’t know, otherwise you wouldn’t have suggested this time of day to meet him. “We could walk him to sleep in the buggy, if you like?”
He checks his watch and though I know he has a plane to catch, I fight against looking to the heavens.
“I’ve got a half hour. How are you getting home?”
“Betty, the nanny, dropped me and she’ll take us back to Tanner’s house.”
“Tanner? Tanner Pace?”
“Ah, yeah. We’ve been staying with him midweek, while I’m studying. It makes life easier without commuting from the ranch to college.”
“I assumed you were coming from your brother’s place.”
I shrug. I could get into this but, frankly, I don’t owe Auston an explanation.
“Right.” He scratches his neck and considers Nelson drifting off to sleep. “Are you two…?”
“Friends.”
He nods. “I guess if I wind up traded to the Bears, I’ll be dealing with that.” He speaks into the distance, as if weighing up the realities of moving here.
“Yeah, Auston, you would. Because…” I hesitate, not wanting to make this harder on him than it is but also knowing that I need to be honest with myself and him for once. “Nelson and I have a life without you in it.”
I can’t look but the way he stiffens is visible in my peripheral vision.
“What happens next, Annie? Tell me what I’m supposed to do.”
“I can’t, Auston. You need to figure this out for yourself. I have enough to support in my life without taking care of you, too. You have a girlfriend for that.”
He scoffs. “I’m not so sure about that. Not since I requested a trade.”
“I’m sorry to hear that but maybe that’s another reason to not rush to uproot your career. We both know this isn’t a trade based on football because if you play the way everyone knows you can, you’ll get the Archers fans back onside.”
He stops, we stop and face each other. “I’m all over the place, Annie. I’ve fucked up and I know it. I’m terrified of becoming my old man but in hiding, I’m doing that anyway. I don’t know how to fix things and I figure being here, where I could see you and Nelson, maybe we work out the next step?”
I sigh. “The fact you don’t want to be like him means you won’t let yourself become your daddy, Auston.
” I don’t know everything about their relationship but I do know that his father was a drunk.
“If you want my honest opinion, you shouldn’t rush into moving here.
You’ve met your son twice. Why not start with seeing him some more, when you can for now.
Try being a daddy. If the boot fits, then consider where you want to live and play ball.
But frankly, the way you’re going about things right now is backassward. ”
He stares at me for long seconds, until the mouth I used to adore breaks into a grin and he chuckles.
“Sorry, that was brutal,” I say.
He rubs his chin, still smiling. Then he sobers. “I’ve been a real dick, Annie.”
“Yeah, you have. But there’s still time to fix it for Nelson.”
“And with you?”
“You’ll get me onside if you’re a good daddy to our son.”
“And us? If Tash and me are done. Is there—?”
“No. There can’t be an us. I can come to forgive how you’ve treated me but I’ll never forget.”
He exhales slowly, then starts walking again.
“Can I push?” he asks, and I let him take over with the buggy.
“I’ve missed a whole year of him,” he says, staring at Nelson, who, unintentionally, could pull on any human’s heartstrings right now because he looks so darn cute wrapped up in the blanket Mama knitted for him.
“We’re having a first birthday party for him, the weekend after Thanksgiving, if you want to come.”
“Who’ll be there?” he asks.
“Your son.”