Chapter 45
PACE – LATE NOVEMBER
I Blew It
“I blew it, didn’t I?” I ask Darcy as we drive away from not-so-Sunshine Ranch.
It’s a rhetorical question; I know I behaved like an idiot. Emotional and volatile. I haven’t been that guy for years but Auston brought it out in me today. I’m sure the sports psych could have a field day with my daddy issues.
“The crazy thing is, I’ve been keeping a lid on things for weeks, trying to convince myself to stay cool, be the friend she needs, give her space to sort out her relationship with Auston.”
“I wish this was easier for you,” Darcy says. “But as a woman who was hurt badly by a man, I know how long it takes to recover from that. Annie’s situation is even more complicated. You’ve got to let her come to you, in her own time, when she’s ready.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “What if she never is?”
“Then you have to deal with it.”
I dig my finger and thumb into the corner of my eyes. “I know.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you guys would be great together. She lights up around you and I think she and Nelson could be coming to you exactly when you’re ready for them. I hope it works out.”
“Thanks, Darce.”
“If she does come to you, don’t let the other stuff stand in your way. Age is only a number. And what big brother wouldn’t want a great guy for his sister?”
I scoff. “Clearly you haven’t had the benefit of seeing Colton Quinn on a gridiron. He gave the Bears their name. He’s grizzly.”
We both laugh but it’s short-lived. “It probably isn’t what you want to hear but hang tight, Tanner. These things have a way of working themselves out.”
She’s right, I didn’t want to hear it, but I needed to.
There’ve been too many close shaves lately because my heart and my body have a mind of their own whenever I’m close to Annie.
They don’t listen to the brain that’s sitting inside a very beat-up skull.
Maybe that’s part of the problem. Years of being tackled hard have made every other part of my anatomy rebel.
Me
I’m sorry, Annie. I was a dick.
Annie Sunshine
You were. But it takes two, or three.
Me
Will you still stay here tomorrow? Please.
Annie Sunshine
I don’t think that would be a good idea.
I drop Darcy to the airport and fight the Monday morning rush hour traffic all the way back to the training ground. I don’t tackle the roads the way I usually do, swerving and nipping to make up ground; I can’t be bothered. I don’t have any fight in me today.
I’m emotionally all over the place. As if yesterday and the fact Annie doesn’t want to stay with me this week is the straw that broke this bearded giant’s back.
So it’s a thrill to be greeted on the practice field when I finally make it out there, late, by Coach getting in my face and demanding answers.
The whole time, the guys are in the background, pretending not to eavesdrop.
After a barrel of hollering, I do the only thing I can. I hold up my hands and tell Coach Roy, “I’m sorry, Coach. It won’t happen again.”
“You bet your ass it won’t.”
I nod and walk in the direction of the receivers, including Quinn, who all jump back into running drills with the offensive coordinator and pretend I didn’t just receive a dressing down befitting of a kid in school.
“Pace,” Coach calls from behind me. “You’re not sick, are you?”
I shake my head. “No, Coach. Just a jackass.”
I fall into step running the route tree, acting as if every player’s eyes aren’t on me. I’m never late. I’m usually early. Always here for the game, for the squad. This is my life and it’s why I’ve never had a relationship during season – or any time. Which is the reason I’m no fucking good at it.
Even as my body goes through the motions, my mind is elsewhere. With Annie. Realizing that by trying not to hurt her, that’s exactly what I’ve done.
“Are you okay, man?” Quinn asks when we head inside for lunch.
“Yeah. Peachy.”
He narrows his eyes on me as I give him the response Annie gives me when she usually means she’s anything but peachy.
I wonder if Annie’s at school. If she’ll come by my place to grab her gear.
If she’ll clear it all out and move back to the ranch full time.
I can’t stand the thought that she might. I’ve gotten used to her and Nelson being a fixture. I fucking love it. I want it.
“What happened this morning?” Quinn asks as we find a table and take a seat with Omar, Trent, Jad, Terry and Lamar. I’m not about to bare my soul in front of these guys and the very last man I can admit that I’m devastated to is Quinn.
I’m in love with his sister and yesterday, I messed it all up, fighting like a rookie. That’s not what she deserved. Not what Nelson should ever see. I grew up in a broken home where my mom and father figures were arguing all the damn time. I’m better than this.
Leaning back in my seat, I drag my hands down my face, fleetingly forgetting that I’m not alone, until a plate of chicken, veg and rice is placed in front of me.
“Nothing,” I say, responding to Quinn’s question. “I took Darcy to the airport and got stuck in traffic.”
“Is Annie staying with you tonight?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “No.”
Focusing on my food, I ignore the weird vibes around the table.
As soon as practice is done, I head home. Only it doesn’t feel like home. It’s neat, tidy, empty and cold. I’m not sure why I head to Annie’s room – maybe to make sure she hasn’t moved out all her things. Her bed is made and it doesn’t smell like her.
I head to Nelson’s room and breathe a sigh of relief when I see his favorite stuffed toy – a San Antonio bear – in his crib.
I take hold of it and bring it with me as I sit on the floor, back to wall, feeling frustrated and angry at what a fucking mess I’ve managed to make of this.
Mostly because I miss my best friend and a kid I love as if he were my own.
I’m still sitting in the same spot when Aaron comes over to make dinner.
“Pace? Are you around?” he calls.
I’ve been sitting in the room staring into space.
Wondering where in hell I go from here – do I just move on, be a friend when she needs one?
Do I put myself out there and see what she wants, then sneak around and back track to fill in the problem gaps if I need to?
Or do I go all in and take every step I need to in the hope she wants that, too?
It feels like there’s a scale and at one end, I keep a friend. At the other, I could jeopardize a friendship for nothing and piss off people who matter to me.
Or maybe I get everything I want.
I wish I could see inside Annie’s head. I wish I could know what she really thinks when it comes to Auston, that I had a crystal ball to know how Colton would take me making a move on his sister, to know that in ten years’ time Annie wouldn’t be bored of me and want someone younger, if now she’d risk public attention, again, for us.
I kiss the soft toy because I can’t kiss Nelson and I tuck it into the crib, then head to the kitchen.
“Hey, Aaron.”
He looks up from where he’s chopping vegetables and pauses, knife mid-air. Ironic, since I feel as if I’ve been chopped into pieces myself today.
“Are you alright? You look…”
“Unwell? I’ve had that a few times today.”
He scrutinizes the place, the notable lack of toys scattered around the lounge.
“They aren’t here,” I tell him.
“For the day?”
“Maybe for good. I don’t know.”
I hate saying it out loud.
“Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
He nods, then gets back to work.
I usually eat like a starved caveman but tonight, I push my chicken and quinoa around the plate.
“Pace, you need to eat right.”
I force down the food through a rising feeling of fullness or nausea or something that might be heartbreak.
When Aaron leaves, I lie on the sofa watching Gilmore Girls alone, until I turn that off, too, and stare into the darkness.
At some point, I fall asleep because I’m woken by the sound of my front door banging closed.
I spring up from the sofa and see Sas, holding a box of brightly colored donuts.
“Good morning, handsome,” she says, but that usual spark that’s caused me to call her firecracker since she was a girl, when only her dad was my agent, long before she started working for him at the agency, is missing.
“I brought donuts and if you won’t help me out, I’ll eat them all and make myself ill. Be a good friend?”
“Did Aaron send you?” I ask, rubbing knuckles into my eyes.
“I’ll put the coffee on,” she says, ignoring the question.
I follow her to the kitchen and sit on a stool on the opposite side of the island from her.
She puts two donuts on a plate in front of me.
“Are you here on behalf of the agency or as a friend?” I ask as she finishes making us coffees and sets them down next to the donuts.
“Both. But friend first. Always friends first.”
I nod. “Thanks for this.”
“So, Annie is miserable, and you look even worse.”
“I fucked up and it’s killing me, Sas.”
“She likes you.”
My eyes widen, shooting up to her. “She told you that?”
“I can tell.”
I nod. “She did.”
“You like her, too, then?”
I shake my head. “No.” Looking right at her, I tell her truthfully, “I’m way past like.”
She takes a supernatural-sized bite of rainbow-sprinkled donut and, uncommonly for Sas, she doesn’t say anything. Colton is rubbing off on her.
“Let’s say, if she could forgive me for ruining Nelson’s birthday, get past our age gap, get through the whole Colton trying to kill me window, dare to have another relationship with an athlete in the limelight, what about Auston and Nelson? I love that kid. What if Auston wants them back?”
Sas takes her coffee in two hands and sips, watching me over the rim. “I’m pretty sure after the way Annie gave him what for last night, he’s very clear that Annie does not want him back.”
I bite my lip. “She did?”
“Big time.”
“That’s my girl.”
“As for your age, Pace, you’re the youngest thirty-four-year-old I know. Annie’s older and wiser than her years and doesn’t need a boy. She needs a man. A good one. A grounded and dependable one.”
“And Quinn? You really think he’s going let me make a move on his sister?”
“He’s protective of her for good reason. But I’m not here as his voice, Pace. If you want to know the answer to that question, you need to speak with him.”
“What if I do? I piss him off, at this stage in the season, then Annie might not even be having the same thoughts as me. It’s not worth it.”
She narrows her eyes on me. “Isn’t it? Because so far as I can see, you’re a mess.
And you’re not going to know how he’ll react until you speak to him.
I’ve known you for a long time, Pace. You wouldn’t go into this lightly.
You care about Annie too much, otherwise you wouldn’t be in absolute emotional turmoil right now.
If you really want Annie, you’ve got to try. ”
“How do I know I’d be any good at it? And if I’m not, I’ll hurt her.”
“Or she’ll hurt you? She’ll leave and it’ll be painful as hell?”
Our eyes lock. The question is rhetorical.
“Are you afraid of hurting her or of you getting hurt?”
I sigh. “Both.”
“She’s not your dad, Pace.”
My eyes fill again like they did so many times yesterday.
“Is it supposed to be this painful, Sas? Is this how bad it felt when you and Colton couldn’t get your shit together?”
“Yup. You know why? Because we love each other and that’s worth taking risks and putting your heart on the line.”
My heart currently feels like someone unplugged it.