Chapter 1
First Mistake
Justin
I didn’t like answering the phone. It never was good news.
If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be balancing on my skates now, pain shooting up my arm, body shaking with adrenaline and anger.
I cradled my aching right hand, fingers jutting out at weird angles that made me queasy to look at.
My gloves were on the cold surface of our team’s practice arena, and my teammate, Alek Denbrowski was sprawled on the ice. What the fuck had I done?
First mistake? I’d answered the fucking phone.
Twelve hours before, my cell phone had buzzed. I recognized the Vancouver area code, but not the number. Since I never answered when Mom and Dad called, chances were they’d gotten a new number or borrowed a phone. Phone calls from them never led to anything good.
Jess usually dealt with them for me, making sure they didn’t guilt me into sending them money.
But damn it all, why did she always have to be the bad cop?
Lately, she’d been happier. Something good was going on, and I was waiting for when she’d be ready to share with me.
Her job? A new friend at her book club? A guy? She hadn’t dated for a while.
The phone buzzed again. For once, I could just ignore Mom and Dad’s pressure and tell them no myself. I paused the hockey game on the living room TV and slid my thumb right on the phone to answer. “Justin Johnson.”
“Mr. Johnson?” Definitely not Mom and Dad. “This is Parkview Manor. We’ve been trying to reach Jessica, but she hasn’t answered, and you’re the next contact for Ida Johnson.”
The room chilled around me. Parkview was a senior center, the place I paid to take care of Grandma—Ida—since her dementia made it impossible for her to live on her own. I really wanted to hang up and pretend this wasn’t happening, going back to watching our crosstown rivals lose. Not an option now.
“Is there a problem?” The words made it through my dry mouth.
“We’re very sorry to tell you that on our last rounds, we found your grandmother in her bed, no longer breathing. She passed peacefully.”
My hands clenched on the phone but I was speechless. Grandma gone?
“Jessica is the point person for next steps. We were hoping you could either contact her and ask her to call us, or if you know what those plans are…”
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had no idea what the funeral plans were for Grandma. Jess was in charge of that. How had I let her take on the burden of everything for me?
I could at least take care of this phone call.
I sat up, shoulders back. “Uh, thank you for letting me know. I’ll get a hold of Jess, and either she’ll call or I’ll find out what’s supposed to happen and get back to you.
How late will you be available? I’m in Toronto, so we’re three hours ahead of you. ”
“I understand. Nothing will be done till morning, so if someone can speak to us then, that will be early enough. Allow me to offer our condolences. She was a lovely woman.”
“Thanks.”
The stranger hung up and I sat, staring at my phone.
Grandma was gone. She’d been one of the foundations in my life, until dementia stole her memories and her personality before taking her physical health.
But somehow, knowing she lived was still a comfort.
With her gone, and Mom and Dad the way they were, that left just Jess and me. I sucked in a breath.
There was also the team. The Toronto Blaze.
We were tight, and most of my teammates had my back.
When people talked about found family, for me, hockey had provided that.
I’d have to let management know. Would anyone be around to get a message tonight?
Tomorrow Jess and I should head to BC for the funeral.
And after, when it came to reading Grandma’s will, Mom and Dad were going to freak out.
I had to be there to support Jess. I needed to do better at that.
Why hadn’t Jess answered when they called her?
She’d have recognized the number immediately.
Maybe this, me getting the news, was for the best—I could tell her in person, instead of the stranger who’d called me.
I’d hold her while we both dealt with the loss of the woman who’d in every sense raised us. I sent Jess a quick text.
Where are you?
Maybe she hadn’t recognized the number, and thought it was a telemarketer.
She’d answer me though. I started looking up flights while I waited.
No use traveling tonight. With the time change, flying out in the morning would let us arrive rested while still being there when things got going in BC. Assuming we could sleep.
Still no response from Jess. That wasn’t like her.
It’s important. Call ASAP!
Maybe she was out with that group—the alternative to the team’s Wives and Girlfriends.
Jess had never been a part of the regular group, since she was my sister, not my romantic partner, but there were women who weren’t traditional WAGs, and they’d invited Jess to join them.
I loved that she had friends who understood what it was like to be around a professional athlete.
She hadn’t complained, but sometimes people took advantage of her because she was my sister, and they wanted to get something from me—time, a selfie, an autograph, tickets, money.
So she did her best to keep our relationship quiet, and Johnson was a common enough name that most people didn’t know we were related.
It was easier to think of shit like that than what had just happened. But I couldn’t do that indefinitely. And still nothing from my twin.
I opened the tracking app we had for each other. If she was keeping a low profile after coming to a game, it helped us meet up without her hanging out in the friends and family room. She liked being able to see where I was when I was traveling. And now I could find out where…
What the—was she here in the condo? How’d she snuck in without me hearing?
I went to her room, but it was empty. Just to be sure, I walked through the whole place. Even the closets, in case she’d forgotten her phone. No Jess. And no phone.
I double-checked the tracking app. She was in the building, but not in this condo.
The only other person we knew here was Fitch.
Was he the reason she’d been happier lately, spending time with my teammate?
She wouldn’t find a nicer guy. I wasn’t sure why she wouldn’t tell me, maybe worried about team chemistry, but I wouldn’t be upset if they got together.
I brought up Fitch’s contact info, ready to call him, but paused.
I could be wrong, and if I asked him if Jess was with him, that might be a little awkward.
Worse—what if they were…together, together?
In theory, Jess and Fitch dating was okay, but I really didn’t want to experience it.
I’d go down and knock. See if anyone answered.
Even if it was Alek fucking Denbrowski, Fitch’s roommate.
At our door, I noticed Fitch’s keys in the bowl we kept there.
He’d left them as an emergency spare, and I shoved them into my pocket.
Instead of risking seeing Denny, I could just open the door, call for her…
No, call her phone and listen for it. If she was with Fitch, I could leave them alone for a while.
For a moment, my throat tightened, eyes starting to water. No, this was not the time to give in to grief. First, sorting things with Jess. I’d bring her back here to tell her, and then we could cry in privacy.
I shoved my feet into running shoes and took the two flights of stairs down to Fitch’s condo.
I knocked softly, but there was no answer. Should I knock louder? Alek Denbrowski was rooming with Fitch, and he might answer. I definitely didn’t want to talk to him. He was a teammate, but with the history we had— I didn’t need to see his smug face when I was already on edge.
I slipped out the key and unlocked the door. I stepped inside quietly, ready to call my sister, but didn’t need to. Jess was there, heading toward me.
It was obvious why she hadn’t been answering calls. She was wearing someone else’s T-shirt, her bra in her hands. Her hair was mussed and her makeup mostly missing.
“Jess?”
“Justin?” She sounded…embarrassed. She didn’t need to be. If she’d been with Fitch… But when I looked past her, it wasn’t Fitch mostly naked with Jess’s T-shirt in his hand. Alek fucking Denbrowski was the guy with sex hair.
Fitch stepped out of his room then, still dressed. “JJ?”
The betrayal hit me like a cross-check. Jess and Denny. The guy whose parents destroyed our lives. Grief about Grandma already scraped my emotions raw, but now fury rocketed upward. I clenched my fists and barely restrained myself from punching through a wall.
“Grandma is dead.” I wasn’t worried about making it easy for her now. How could she? “Your phone showed me you were here. Check your messages.”
I turned and slammed out of the condo, heading for the stairs and running down them fast enough to trip. Jess would follow me and I could not talk to her right now. I’d say something unforgivable and I needed to get away.
My knees were feeling it by the time I made it to the bottom of the high-rise.
I had no idea where to go or what to do.
I started walking. After several blocks, I was cold and tired.
I went into the next hotel I passed, and for once, I was grateful that so many people knew me in Toronto.
I booked a room using only the credit card in my phone wallet, and after signing a few things and promising game tickets if they kept my privacy, I was free.
I took the elevator up, and after a hot shower, crawled into the bed naked.
My body was exhausted but I couldn’t sleep, staring up at the ceiling, a strip of light showing there from where the curtains didn’t quite meet. Grandma, Jess… It was easier to focus on what Jess had done than think on Grandma being gone. No wonder Jess had kept things quiet. Fuck!
Alek Denbrowski hadn’t done anything to us—not till now. But his family had stolen our money and my dreams. Jess’s dreams too. What they’d done had changed my life and I hated them for it. That day…
I’d kept that day in a box. Carefully closed and put away.
I had several boxes of things I couldn’t face: Grandma and dementia; Sharleen, my ex-wife; Mom and Dad.
Any one of them was enough to mess me up.
But the biggest box was Mia. And here, after seeing Jess with Alek, the lid was pushing open…
that first day I saw her in science class, our first kiss, first—
I rolled over in bed, taking deep breaths and forcing down those memories and the pain attached.
Reliving more of that time would rip open wounds that I couldn’t deal with, not right now.
It wasn’t easy, but I managed to close the lid—in my mind, I shoved it down and latched it.
Locked it. Tossed away the key. But my hands were shaking and my eyes burned.
I must have finally fallen asleep. I pushed up, blinking as my internal clock woke me up and I remembered where I was and why. I wished I hadn’t.
My phone was almost out of juice, but I booked a ticket for Jess. First class, first flight out. I’d have to talk to her, apologize, but not yet. I wasn’t proud of what I’d said and done last night, but Alek Denbrowski was one thing too many for me to handle.
I sent a message to the team, telling them my grandmother had passed but that I’d come in for morning skate. I couldn’t imagine being stuck on a plane with my twin for five hours while we did or didn’t talk about her and Denny. Going to practice meant I could fly out later.
Physical activity, turning my mind off, would be a reprieve. Then I’d have to get my shit together enough to fly to BC and handle the funeral and the fallout from Grandma’s will. I wasn’t totally sure I could do it.
The team messaged that I could fly with the Seattle team to the West Coast after their game tonight with our crosstown rivals. Perfect.
I booked a rideshare to the practice facility. Here, I didn’t have to deal with my shit, I just had to work my body, keeping everything locked down. I’d forgotten that I’d have to face Denny. It wasn’t easy, but I avoided him and managed mostly not to think about him.
Coach called everyone in at the end of practice and told them my grandmother had passed.
They’d call up Luke Walker from the Inferno until I was back.
There were murmurs from the players. Coach released us, and I’d rather have done suicide drills than be calm and polite while the guys expressed their condolences.
“You need anything, you let me know.” Cooper slapped my back. “What’s the address to send flowers? Or would you prefer donations?”
“Donations, I think. Might help someone else, right?”
“Tell Jess we’re thinking of her too.”
I nodded, unable to swallow. Without Jess and my teammates, I’d be lost.
Then Denny skated over. “Sorry for your loss. I know she did a lot for you.”
Everything I’d been shoving down—Jess and this fucker, Grandma, the marriage and disastrous divorce with Sharleen, Mia—came spilling out of those boxes in a burst of red-hot fury.
“You know, do you? Jess tell you all about it while you were screwing around?”
He went still. “Just wanted to offer my condolences.”
“I don’t want your fucking condolences. Just keep your hands off my sister.” He started to back away, but I couldn’t stop. “Or was that your plan the whole time? Fuck and run? You haven’t screwed us over enough already?”
“That wasn’t me!” Now he was angry too, and that fed the beast inside me. “I am not responsible for my parents!”
Somehow it was never anyone’s fucking fault, and yet I got screwed over. Every. Single. Time. I couldn’t just shove it down and pretend it was nothing. Not this time. My fists clenched and I wasn’t stopping. I dropped the gloves and let my hands curl up.
“We shouldn’t do this—”
I needed to shut him up. I aimed for his face, left fist, then right. Pain shot through my hand and up my arm as I connected with his helmet.
Fuck.