Chapter 16
Hockey Hasn’t Made Me Any Smarter
Mia
It was raining and I didn’t have a car, so all I could do to vent my anger was stomp down the sidewalks back home. It was that or go back to Justin’s and I just couldn’t, even if it meant losing the job.
Why this hit so hard, I wasn’t sure. Our breakup wasn’t just ancient history, it had been inevitable.
He was determined to help his family, and I was just as determined to help mine, but I’d thought we were discussing options that last night.
I thought he was listening to me. Instead, he’d already broken us.
He let us have that last fight, with all the angry words, rather than being honest.
I’d blamed myself, so much. And now—none of it mattered.
I messaged Justin that I wouldn’t be back today. He sent back a thumbs-up. Nice.
I was wet and angry, so my only option was to go inside.
It was quiet for once. There were no signs of Cora or Dorian or Bruce, and Mom was asleep in a chair in the living room.
I considered slipping upstairs to do the same, but it was so rare to feel like the place was mine that I didn’t want to waste it.
I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to sleep anyway.
I ran a couple of loads of laundry through and cleaned the bathrooms. The rain stopped and the sun came out. Mom woke up. I told her I’d gotten off early and set her up with some iced tea and her favorite TV show.
I should start something for dinner. I opened the fridge, finding the milk almost gone, an empty pitcher of lemonade put back, and a package of cheese drying out where someone had ripped into it, taken what they wanted, and put it back without wrapping it.
I closed the door. We needed groceries, and no one would even think of placing an online order. They’d just expect food to show up.
This wasn’t anything new. But today it irritated me past the point of tolerance.
Even when I was Dorian’s age, I’d made sure there was food and usually prepared the meals.
But Mom would never force anything, afraid the kids would find her too much.
And Bruce had told me more than once that I wasn’t their parent and couldn’t tell them what to do.
I always caved because I didn’t want Mom to be alone, and because, in spite of their faults, they were good to Arne.
But today, my emotions rubbed raw by the altercation with Justin, I just couldn’t.
I pulled bread out of the freezer and made tuna sandwiches for Arne and me.
The bread would be thawed by the time we ate it, and fortunately, he wasn’t a picky kid.
I changed into jeans, packed the sandwiches in a cooler, and threw it over my shoulder with a blanket.
When Arne got off the bus, I told him we were having a picnic for dinner.
“Cool! Who is coming?”
“Just you and me.”
He cocked his head. “Could we maybe get ice cream?”
I grinned. “That might be possible, if the guy comes around with his cart.”
We walked to a park ten minutes away and found a picnic table. I wiped off the rain so we could sit down. Arne told me about his day, in detail, and I nodded and encouraged him. Then he ran out of steam and sat for a minute in unexpected quiet.
“You okay, Arne?”
He sighed. “Mom, do you not want me to play hockey?”
I sat back, blindsided by the question. “Why do you say that?”
Arne shrugged a shoulder. “Barney says his mom told you there’s a place in his camp, but you didn’t take it.”
My mind ran in circles. If the place was gone, I didn’t have to decide. How did we not figure out that Barney would tell Arne? Was he going to hate me? How did I tell him we just couldn’t afford it, let alone the possibility of hockey in the fall?
“I’m sorry, sweetie. Barney’s mom just told me last night, and I was trying to see if we could afford it.”
“Oh.” He traced his finger over a knot in the wood on the picnic tabletop. “I guess we can’t, eh? ’Cause of the car.”
Oof. I felt terrible, because I hadn’t wanted this even if the car hadn’t broken down. He looked so small, so disappointed. “The car is going to cost a lot, and we need it. I couldn’t get you to the camp without a vehicle.”
His lips twitched and his finger sped up. “What about another time, after the car’s been fixed?”
I wanted to say yes. Or at least maybe. But if I was breaking his heart, I should do it once and get it over with. So he didn’t feel the betrayal years later, like I had today. “I’m not sure when we’ll have the money. It’s very expensive.”
His shoulders drooped and he kept his eyes down.
“But I hear the bell of the ice cream cart. We can afford that.”
“I’m not really hungry for ice cream now.”
My heart broke. Just split in two, and I desperately searched my brain for some way to change that answer.
I couldn’t give him his dream of playing hockey.
That was out of my control. And in the big picture, it was a small loss compared to many.
But damned if I’d disappoint him again if I could help it.
I’d given up my dreams, but Arne wouldn’t be asked to sacrifice his. Not while I had breath in my body.
Justin didn’t message back that I was fired, so the next morning, my mopey kid and I got up and started our day with an equal lack of enthusiasm.
I couldn’t pretend everything was fine and I definitely couldn’t pretend I was feeling okay, but I went through the motions.
I made sure Justin didn’t kill himself exercising, that his hand was doing well, and made food for him.
When I had nothing else to do, I did numbers in my head.
If I’d managed to get a nursing degree, instead of the personal aide certificate I had, my salary would be so much larger and I could spend money on hockey… but that still didn’t give me time.
It was so depressing that I volunteered to do an inventory of the house.
Check out what was in the attic and the bedroom closets for the rooms Justin wasn’t occupying.
Boxes of old clothes and broken furniture.
There were a lot of Christmas decorations, but they were dated now. Would anybody even want them?
At home, Arne was polite but quiet. When I showed him the jersey Justin had let me take for him, his eyes lit up for a moment, and then the expression dropped and he shrugged.
What else could I do?
Justin
After two days of distance, I’d had enough. Mia and I had never fought, not seriously, until the last time, and the wall between us was rubbing against my skin. And fuck, the sadness in her eyes—I couldn’t stand it.
I was angry as well, and I couldn’t let that fester. Not again. She decided that learning I’d committed to New York before talking to her meant the whole breakup was my fault. But looking back? We’d been doomed.
I also had something to make her life a little easier, and I couldn’t resist an opportunity to take some of her burden off those slender shoulders.
But she wouldn’t accept anything from me right now.
When she showed up in the morning, going to the kitchen as usual, I followed and stood in the doorway.
“It wasn’t all my fault.” I’d accept blame, but not for everything.
She shot me a quick glance. “What isn’t?” The trembling of her hands showed she understood.
“I’m not doing this anymore. I hate arguing, but we need to finish this.”
She whipped around. “Oh we do, do we?”
“What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t left?”
She crossed her arms. “We’ll never know.”
“I’d have had to get a job. My tuition was paid by that scholarship, but it wouldn’t have covered living expenses, let alone hockey equipment. Jess got a job so she could keep going to school part-time. I might have had to work more, give up the scholarship anyway.”
She lifted her chin. “And?”
“And Bruce would still have lost his job, and you’d have given up on school to support your family, and you’d never have left that house. Even if I’d stayed here, what would we have done? Dated for eleven years, waiting till there was a time you could make your own life a priority?”
Her cheeks were red and her lips thinned. “And you’d still be supporting your parents, so you wouldn’t be in any position to throw stones.”
“When I came back for Grandma’s funeral, I told them I was cutting them off. I talked to Dad last week. They’re still upset, but I made sure he understood things were changing. They’re never getting that money back and they need to deal.”
Mia’s eyes widened and her posture lost some of its rigidity. “Seriously?”
“I should have done it years ago. It was easier to let it ride or let Jess take care of it.”
She leaned against the counter. “Why now?”
“Punching Alek Denbrowski didn’t just mess up my team’s playoffs. I gave up school, and you, because of what happened eleven years ago. Hockey’s what I’ve got left. I can’t risk that, which means I can no longer avoid things.”
“Like you did back then?”
I ran my left hand through my hair. “I’m sorry that I took the easy way out and hurt you. If I couldn’t stick to my decision after talking to you, maybe it was the wrong decision. I don’t know. I can’t change that now. But I’m trying to improve.”
“For hockey.” She was frowning.
“That’s not the only thing. Hockey won’t last much longer, and I want a life after. Sadly, that means facing up to my problems.”
“And I should do the same?”
I raised my brows. I hadn’t been talking about her, just explaining myself.
“I’m not saying that. Your life and your problems are different than mine.
I just… I don’t want to be someone making your life harder.
I’m sorry. What I did was wrong. Maybe you can understand that I was young, not sure of what was right, and trying to do my best. But it was the worst moment of my life.
And if I could, I’d go back and figure out a better way. ”
Mia’s arms dropped. She shook her head. “I don’t know what we could have done differently. I tried to think of something. For a long time. It was just a shitty situation.”
“It was.”
“But thank you for the apology. I pictured you with this great life. Leaving me behind, getting your dream, marrying someone who was beautiful and not tied down by family like me.”
Is that really what she’d thought? “It wasn’t like that.
Hockey was just one of my dreams. I wanted to go to college and I wanted to be with you.
But after everything that happened, hockey was what was left.
I’m lucky. I make a lot of money to play a sport.
Jess is making sure that money is safe. But it’s not everything. ”
Mia leaned against the counter. “Do you want to go back to school?”
Did I? “I don’t know. It won’t be the same. I’m older, and hockey hasn’t made me any smarter. Maybe I will, after I retire, so I don’t go crazy with boredom.” I was frustrated now, when I didn’t have my usual routines. When I retired I’d have to find another way to fill my days.
“Do you want to get married again?” she asked.
No, I wasn’t going to discuss that, not with Mia. “Do you?”
She gave a mocking laugh. “Who would want to take on the baggage that comes with me? My family, Arne… It was a problem for us, and it was for Erik as well.”
“That your husband?”
“My ex, yeah.”
“Where did you meet him?”
She crossed her arms again. “At school. We had a class together.”
What happened? Had she loved him as much as she’d loved me? But Mia turned her back to me to fiddle with the coffeemaker.
Fair. We’d done enough soul baring this morning. I had no right to pick through what had happened with her life after I’d left her. Maybe she’d really loved this guy, Erik, and it hurt to talk about him. They had a child together, after all.
“There’s another thing I wanted to bring up when you weren’t pissed at me.”
Her head tilted. “Not a great start.”
“It’s not something bad. Would you come with me?”
“Where?”
I didn’t answer, just crossed the kitchen to the garage door.
As far as I knew, Mia hadn’t been in here yet.
It was small and crowded, with only a couple of windows high up on the back and side wall to illuminate the place.
I hit the button to open the automatic door.
As it slowly lifted, dust motes floated over the shelves filled with dented paint cans, tools, lawn accessories, and the old Subaru Outback my grandmother used to drive.
“You still remember how to drive a stick, don’t you?” I turned to look at her.
“Probably? I haven’t tried since…”
Since I taught her on my old car. It had been sold when we lost our money. “It’ll come back. I want you to use this.”
“What?” She jerked her gaze from the car to me.
“I’m not driving it with this.” I held up the cast. “It’s been serviced and is ready to go.
Take it home, make sure you remember how to handle the stick shift, and when I have to see the doctor, you can drive me.
The team set up a few appointments, so this will get us there.
Until your car is back you might as well use it. ”
She looked at the Subaru again.
“Keys are inside.”
I’d left them there yesterday when I had it checked over again, so there wasn’t much chance for anyone to steal it. Not like an old Outback with a stick was what anyone wanted for a joyride anyway.
She turned to me. “You’ll need me to drive you around.”
“I’m gonna need a chauffeur.”
Her jaw lifted. “I don’t need to take it home with me.”
“Yeah, you do. Make sure you’re comfortable with it. The streets around here are quiet—it’s a good place to test out what you remember.”
“And if I was to test it out, say, to get groceries, or take Arne to soccer…”
I bit back a grin. She knew what I was up to. But I needed to protect her pride. “As long as you fill up the gas, I don’t care. Not like the mileage is going to affect the value at this point.”
“And when is this appointment you need to be ready for?”
“Tomorrow.”
Her jaw dropped. “Tomorrow? And you’re just asking me today to make sure I can drive it?”
“I’ll order a rideshare if you can’t.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I’ll make sure I can drive it for tomorrow.”
As I’d expected. “Okay. I’m going to the treadmill.”
“Don’t overdo it.”
My steps were lighter as I went down the stairs to the workout equipment. Things were better between us. And go me, forcing a conversation. I’d even managed to foist the car on her, something I’d been wanting to do since she told me hers was out of play.
But as I started stretching to warm up, other parts of the conversation buzzed in my brain. Would I marry someone again? Did I want that? Or maybe, more truthfully, did I want that with anyone but Mia?