Out of the Cold

Chapter Fifteen

G abe woke up early and lay in bed, his body curled around Lucy. She was warm and soft, and it was nearly painful to let go and slide out of bed. She shifted and opened her eyes, looking at him sleepily as he pulled on his clothes from the night before.

“What are you doing?”

“I need to handle a few things at my place,” he said. He moved to her side of the bed and leaned down, kissing her cheek as her eyes closed. “I’ll be back a little later.”

But she was already asleep again.

He took Hilde out and set up the coffee maker so it would be ready when Lucy got up. Then he left the quiet cabin and made his way along the path to his door.

His own cabin was warm enough, but it felt empty. He stoked the fire and started his own coffee pot, standing in the little kitchen waiting for it to brew.

He could have stayed with her, could have told her today was the anniversary of Ricky’s death. But he didn’t want to bring that darkness to her. And anyway, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t even want to think about what had happened a year ago, but the memories were there, and they wanted out.

Colorado was an hour ahead, which meant that at this time last year he’d been awake and showering, getting ready for a full day of meetings. Ricky was in his own room next door, asleep. At eighteen, not much could have gotten him up before ten on a vacation day, not even fresh powder on the slopes.

Gabe drank his coffee quickly, without taking time to enjoy it, then headed outside. He spent the next hour chopping wood from a downed tree into logs small enough to burn in a woodstove, the well-known rhythm bringing him to the place he needed to be. He was too restless to meditate, but this was the next best thing. Thoughts of Ricky dying still intruded, but each time they did, he thought of Lucy in bed, Lucy smiling in her snowshoes, Lucy in his arms, safe and warm.

He chopped until he couldn’t lift his arms, then went inside and made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Sitting at the table, he opened a magazine about the outdoor tourism industry and tried to read an article about winter recreation in the age of climate change.

He’d read the first paragraph four times when his phone rang.

“Hi Natalie.”

“Hey,” his sister said, her voice softer than usual. “How are you?”

“I’m...I don’t know.”

“You answered the phone. That’s a good sign.”

“I’m better than I have been, but I’m still not sure what I’ll do with myself all day. Lucy and I have...well, we’ve been together, but I came back here to be alone.”

“Wow, I’m so glad you have someone. That’s huge, Gabe.”

“Yeah, it is. I still can’t believe it.”

“So you’re happy?”

“I am when I’m with her. I don’t think about that day as much when we’re together.”

“That’s how it’s supposed to be. If no one ever got to that point, it would be impossible to survive losing someone.”

“I suppose so, but then I feel guilty for being happy.”

“Do you think Ricky would have minded you thinking about Lucy instead of him?”

He couldn’t help laughing at that. “He would have been all for it. Girls always came first.”

“Well, there you go.”

He turned it over, and that part felt right. Of course Ricky wouldn’t mind.

“I’m glad you’re not alone anymore,” she said, her voice cracking.

His chest ached, and his throat clogged up. For a few seconds, he couldn’t say anything.

“When will we see you?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve got to come home sometime, Gabe. Or at least let us visit you there.”

“I’ll see you sometime in early spring. I promise.” He meant it, too. He was ready to see them.

“Bring Lucy, too.”

He couldn’t picture being with Lucy anywhere but here on the mountain. And they hadn’t talked about what they were to each other now, never mind in the future. He wasn’t even sure how long she’d be here, only that Len had told her she could stay until May. That didn’t mean she would. What if she left as soon as her book was finished?

“We’ll see.”

“You’ll be okay for the rest of the day?” Natalie asked.

“Yeah. I’ll figure something out.”

“Okay. Love you, Gabe.”

“Love you, Nat.”

He finished his sandwich without tasting it and tried to picture himself and Lucy at his parents’ house. It wasn’t so hard, after all. But would she want to be there? As far as he knew, his days with Lucy were numbered.

He’d planned to spend the day alone. But what was the point of enforcing a solitude he no longer wanted? Instead, he showered quickly, stoked the fire, and headed over to Lucy’s cabin.

His heart was racing as he took off his winter gear in the mudroom. It often beat faster around Lucy.

He gave a quick knock before stepping inside.

She was standing near the glass doors to the deck in her robe, her hair in a bun. She turned, her smile lighting up her face. “You’re just in time. Want to hot tub with me?”

He crossed the room and took her face in his hands, kissing her with all the desire he’d banked through the day. His tongue slid between her lips and feasted on her like a starving man. Only there was no end to his hunger or his need.

He fisted his hands in her hair and tugged until her head fell back and her eyes closed. He used his strength and size in a way he hadn’t before—to overwhelm her, make her his like no one else could.

“Gabriel,” she gasped. Her hands threaded through his hair, pulling him closer and asking for more.

He parted her robe and skimmed his thumbs across the tight peaks of her breasts until her whole body trembled.

Her lids were heavy, her face flushed. “What are you doing to me?”

“Making sure you never forget.”

“But I—”

He took a nipple in his mouth, licking and sucking until she was pressing her hips into him. His hands were shaking, his need too great to prolong things. Scooping her up, he carried her to her room and laid her on the bed before pulling his shirt over his head.

But Lucy didn’t lie there passively waiting for him. She knelt on the mattress and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her tongue dove into his mouth and slid out again, dove and slipped away as her hands skimmed down his chest and over his stomach.

He shucked his jeans and boxers and climbed onto the bed, kissing her until she was on her back. He slid his fingers into her folds and found her slick and wet. He stroked her higher, needing her as crazed as he was.

She arched beneath him and spread her thighs wider. “Gabriel, please.”

He was lost. On an agonized groan, he thrust into her. Without finesse or patience, he gave himself over to his need, driving her up the bed. His gaze never left her face. He needed to see everything she felt.

She was sobbing, her nails digging into his back as she raced toward her own finish. Reaching down, he stroked her in time with his thrusts until she pulsed around him and shattered. He buried his face in her neck, breathing her in as he lost himself in her, deeper and deeper until, for a few brief moments, they were one.

***

S he lay without moving , her breath evening out. Still dazed, she put a hand over his pounding heart.

“Hey, you okay?” she whispered.

“Sorry if I was too intense.” He rolled over, pulling her onto his chest.

“You weren’t. But something was different.”

He let out a shaky breath. “Ricky died a year ago today,” he said, his gaze on the ceiling.

“Oh, Gabriel.” She rose up to see his face better. “You didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t want to put all that on you. I’ve been difficult enough these past couple of months.”

“I don’t need you to be happy all the time. I can handle anything as long as you talk to me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She’d never seen him vulnerable like this, as if he was worried she’d end things if he had a bad day.

He took her hand in his. “Talking’s not exactly my strong suit lately.”

“You’ll get the hang of it,” she said, teasing him.

He finally smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m not sure I deserve you.”

She sat up and looked him in the eye. “I don’t want to hear that kind of talk from you. You may not have been the easiest man to be around, but you had good reason. What’s more, you’ve been here for me whenever I needed you, even though everything about me pushed your buttons. You’re a good man.”

“I’m not sure I believe that yet,” he said. His expression was so full of doubt, it nearly killed her.

“Trust me, Gabriel. Please. And trust yourself.”

He swallowed, his throat working. “I’ll try.”

Her heart squeezed, and tears clogged her throat. God, this man. Did he know what he was doing to her?

“Good.” She tried to sound decisive, but her breath shuddered out of her, and now tears were streaming down her face.

“I’m okay.” He pulled her down so she was lying on his chest. “Things just feel intense today.”

His heart was beating slow and steady, as if he’d come back to himself. She let herself relax into him. “All right.”

“You’re a lot tougher than you look, you know that?”

It was maybe the most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to her. “I hear that a lot,” she said.

There was a long pause, as if he was trying to decide whether she was joking. An inelegant snort escaped her, giving her away, and his whole body started to shake with laughter.

She smiled into his chest and pressed closer. “Let’s never get up.”

“Not even to get in the hot tub?” His hand stroked a path from her neck down her spine and settled on the curve of her hip.

“Not even for that.”

She drifted for a while to the steady sound of his heart, eventually falling asleep. The sound of nails clicking against the floorboards woke her up. Looking up, she saw Hilde in the doorway, not-so-patiently waiting.

She managed to extricate herself without waking Gabriel. She walked shivering and naked into the living room, where she picked her robe off the floor and put it on. Smiling to herself, Lucy let Hilde out, fed her, then started supper.

She looked up a while later when Gabriel came in. Never mind that she’d been naked with him in bed and fully satisfied no more than an hour ago. One glance at him, even fully clothed, and the need was building again. It was unsettling, really, this endless craving for him.

“Something smells great,” he said, his eyes warm and smiling.

“It’s nothing fancy. Just meatloaf and potatoes.”

“Sounds perfect. I’ll make a salad?”

They’d been cooking together enough that they moved easily around each other in the kitchen. She cleaned the bowls she’d used, he finished the salad and set the table.

When the food was ready, Gabriel lit the candles she’d left on the table since the blackout.

“I’ve been eating way more food now than I ever did,” she said, giving them each a serving of meatloaf.

“You’re probably burning thousands more calories a week on your hikes,” he said. “Plus you have more muscle to maintain.”

“I never had muscles before. It’s kind of cool.”

“Mmm, I’m a fan,” he said, giving her a look as he poured her some wine.

“I’m doing a lot now I never thought I’d be able to do. I mean, I was terrified to walk into the woods before, and now I do it every day. It’s weird to think you can change that much in such a short time.”

“Not everyone is capable of making that kind of change.”

“You don’t think so? I guess I think when put in extreme circumstances, most people can adapt. Still, you couldn’t pay me to go into the woods at night. I draw the line there.”

He laughed. “I don’t blame you.”

“I never thought I’d say this...” She put together a bite of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. “But I’m going to miss all this. I think I need to live somewhere that has a winter, or that’s close to the mountains.”

“What about Sacramento?”

Her heart gave a little stutter. “What do you mean?”

“It’s a great city, and you’d love the climate. Hot dry summers and mild winters. And it’s only ninety minutes from here.”

“And you live there.”

“And I live there,” he said, his tone cautious.

Her heart was beating fast now.

“Are you recommending I live there because you think it’s a great place, or because you want me there?”

“I want you there. I want you, period.”

She could make this easy for them both. Everything in her wanted to say yes. It would fill in all the missing puzzle pieces of her life. But was that too easy? And what if something else was driving his invitation? She’d already followed Mark to San Francisco, and look how that had turned out.

She couldn’t make another mistake.

“I want to,” she said. “I’m crazy about you. Our connection is, well, sometimes it actually scares me a little. But this is really new and intense, and I don’t want to decide anything too fast.”

“Never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

His expression went carefully blank as he began eating again.

“Please don’t do that. I don’t want you to take it back. I just don’t want to follow you there and then realize I’m somewhere I’m not supposed to be. Being up here...it’s not the real world. But Sacramento is, and it’s your world. We might realize I don’t fit into it.”

He pushed back his chair and paced to the glass doors.

“Gabriel,” she said, her voice cracking. Was she crazy to doubt what they had? How was she supposed to know whether it was wisdom or fear holding her back?

He turned to her, confusion and pain all over his face. “I want this to be real, not some temporary fling to pass the time. I thought—I hoped—you wanted that, too.”

“I do want that, but I’m so wrapped up in you, I feel like I’d do anything you asked, and I’m only just learning what I want. I was a mess when I got here. You know that.”

She almost told him she loved him. Because of course she did. And it might reassure him to hear it. But they were so new, and she was trying to do things right this time.

“I don’t want to have to convince you.”

“You don’t. You only need to give me time.”

Standing up, she went to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stiffened, as if defending himself.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m just scared.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to keep explaining.”

She stepped back, her stomach twisting at his cool tone. “Nothing has to change,” she said, her voice rising in panic. “If we still feel this way when we’re both ready to leave, then of course I’ll move to Sacramento. You have no idea how happy that would make me.”

He nodded, but his expression was all too familiar—closed off, his eyes giving nothing away.

She wanted to weep. They’d come so far, but now they were going backwards in time. The anniversary of Ricky’s death was obviously churning something up in him. Normally, he was perfectly rational and understanding.

“Please come sit down,” she said. “We can finish our meal and be lazy the rest of the night.”

He sat down, but he didn’t quite meet her eyes. He ate mechanically, without the usual praise he usually heaped on the food she cooked. Of course, everything was cold now, and she wasn’t even hungry. Her stomach was in knots, but she forced down a few bites and drank her wine.

She reached over and took his hand. “We’ve both been through a lot. Can’t we enjoy being here for each other, knowing it will only get better if we give each other what we need?”

His eyes finally rose to meet hers, and his hand squeezed hers. “You’re right. I’m sorry I pushed you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“It’s okay.” She pushed her food away. “What do you say we heat this all back up again and eat it while we watch Alien ? You owe me that rain check.”

“Yeah, let’s do that.” He was still subdued, but the tension was gone from his shoulders.

She stood and brought their plates to the microwave. “I was in such agony watching movies with you on Thanksgiving. I was afraid you could read my mind and know I wanted to crawl into your lap and ride you until dawn.”

“I did know it.”

She stared at him. “Seriously?”

“Let’s just say you don’t have a poker face.” He came up behind her and nuzzled her neck. “I was imagining the same thing, which is why I left.”

“Now look at us.”

He cupped her face in his big hands and smiled down at her. “Now look at us.”?