Chapter Thirty-Six
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
MARK
Claire’s voice floats through the apartment as she hums a song I don’t know, but the sound of her constant presence is comforting. I always hated having other people in my space, but with Claire, it feels different.
She’s in the kitchen, her voice mixing with the sounds of clattering pans and running water while I sit at my desk and attempt to work. I could close the door and drown out the noise, but I don’t think it’s the sound of Claire doing chores that’s distracting me so much today. It’s my own mind.
Everything that’s happened over the past few months has been a whirlwind that’s left me feeling more alive than I have in years—possibly ever. And it’s all because of her.
Claire has brought a light into my life that I didn't know I was missing. I find myself actively looking forward to my days rather than going through them doing whatever I can to keep myself entertained. A small part of me wonders what it would be like if I asked her to stay, to make this arrangement more permanent. She surely has enough money now to find a place of her own, but neither of us has mentioned that fact. The thought of going back to living alone, to coming home to an empty apartment and knowing she won’t be here, hurts more than I care to admit.
My phone rings, jarring me from my thoughts. I glance at the screen and see Shane's name. I haven't heard from him since the vacation, though that’s my fault just as much as his.
"Hey, man," I answer at the same time the shower turns on down the hall.
"Hey, how’s it going?"
"Can’t complain," I say. "Working, hanging out, the usual. How’s wedding planning?"
"Still a little chaotic, but it’s coming together. Feels like every time we cross something off the list, two more things pop up."
I chuckle, not envying him one bit. "That sounds about right."
There’s a pause before Shane asks, "And how’s Claire doing?"
"She’s good. She has finals next week, so lots of studying."
"Well, tell her we say good luck. You guys officially dating yet?" he chuckles.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "You know I don’t do relationships."
"Ugh, you’re still on about that? Seriously, dude."
"It’s a good thing I don’t remember asking for your opinion," I say, trying not to let my annoyance get the better of me. Why does he have to dig into the topic every time we talk? "We’re having fun and getting along. Is that not enough of an answer for you? "
Shane sounds just as annoyed as I feel when he replies, "Honestly? Both of you are obsessed with each other, and she’s too afraid to tell you while you’re too much of a pussy to put yourself out there. Seriously, man, you’re making yourself miserable."
"Thanks for that enlightening insight, but I’m perfectly happy, actually."
"But is she happy?"
The words strike a nerve as they bring to mind memories of this past weekend, of Claire showing up at my bedroom door crying and shaking.
"Fuck you. I don’t know what you think you’re doing by trying to interfere in all of this, but you don’t know the half of what’s going on."
"You’re right, I don’t, because you won’t let me in. You won’t let anyone in, and until you do, you’re never going to be fully happy."
And with that, he hangs up, and I’m left staring at my phone with anger raging through my veins. I resist the urge to throw my phone at the wall and instead toss it on the desk. Who the fuck does he think he is, lecturing me like that? He’s acting like he’s my goddamn therapist who can just randomly call me up, tell me what I’m doing wrong with my life, then not call me again for another month or two.
But even as the anger surges through me, there's a small, quiet voice in the back of my mind that whispers, Maybe he's right . Maybe I am making myself miserable. Maybe I am pushing people away because I'm too afraid to let them in.
No. I keep people at arm’s length because it’s easier that way. Plus, I do let people in; I’m just selective. Up until recently, I talked to Shane about everything, but now he has less and less time for me as the days go by .
I lean back in my chair with my eyes closed. The sound of the shower stops, and I imagine Claire stepping out, wrapping herself in a towel, her skin flushed and warm.
Is it worth it to risk everything I’ve built for myself for her? Yes , my mind immediately answers, but I push back against it. Even if she agrees to be mine, how long would it last until she gets bored and wants more of what the rest of the world has to offer?
Is it worth the risk to love someone even if the chance of them leaving is almost inevitable? Would the heartbreak of being hurt in the same way I’ve been hurt before be just another lesson to learn, or would it break me entirely this time?
I don’t know if I’m brave enough to find out.