CHAPTER 26
Maddie
This is a bad idea.
Deep down, I think I know this is terrible timing, but I need to feel something other than this soul-crushing sadness. I need the pain to be less… painful.
A small part of me died inside with the loss of my mother.
I thought we had more time. But as I sat here with that mug of hot chocolate, I realized something.
As hard as it is, for months I’ve been preparing for this outcome.
I was forced to with each disappointing doctor’s visit.
Regardless, while I may have been mentally prepared to lose her, I wasn’t prepared for the guilt.
Nothing could have prepared me for that.
My whole world had been collapsing around me since the moment Dad called.
She was dying while I was having the time of my life a thousand miles away, thinking only of myself, partying while she was alone.
I couldn’t process that. I couldn’t accept that.
I couldn’t see how I could ever live with that.
Not being there when she passed would have haunted me for the rest of my life. I hated myself for it and depression was already turning my heart to stone.
Then there was Riggs.
What he said made so much sense. Coming here wasn’t as selfish as I imagined and realizing that has blessed me with the tiniest sense of relief.
He was also right about something even more important to me—Mom died happy.
She died happy because I came to Vegas. I never would have seen it that way, not in a million years. But, thanks to him, I can see it now.
Don’t get me wrong. I miss her and I’ll miss her every day for the rest of my life, but when I think about her, one thought will prevail—Mom died happy. Thanks to Riggs, I’ll cherish that thought for the rest of my life.
The big guy is turning out to be so much more than I expected.
It’s clear he cares about me. He’s been taking care of me in so many ways—new tires, new sewing machine, and as nice as those things were, what he did for my mother was nothing short of heroic.
It was after eleven at night when I asked him for advice about how to deal with nausea.
Mom was having an especially bad episode only for me to discover we had run out of her nausea medicine.
I was expecting Riggs to tell me about some home remedy like Earl Grey tea or perhaps a breathing exercise, but he didn’t.
Instead, he made calls. A lot of calls, and somehow, an hour later our doorbell rang.
My jaw nearly fell to the floor when I found myself taking a small brown paper bag from a delivery guy.
It was Mom’s medicine. I couldn’t believe it.
A delivery of a prescription drug at midnight?
It shouldn’t have been possible, but somehow Riggs made it happen.
I remember crying as I padded down the hall to Mom’s bedroom with an overwhelming sense of relief.
And as miraculous as that was, he just might have outdone himself today.
He literally rescued me from a life of self-loathing.
That’s just one more thing to add to a long list of things that I’ve come to appreciate about the man.
As I’ve gotten to know him over these past few months, things have definitely changed.
Now I see what could be. I even talked about this with Mom and she agreed.
She never got the chance to meet Riggs, something I think I’ll always regret, but from all the things I told her about him, things I learned when we would text back and forth for hours, her exact words were, “He sounds like a keeper.”
But one day Mom caught me off guard when she said, “He sounds like the kind of man who would go out and play catch with his sons and teach them how to hit a ball for Little League. Or the kind of man who would be willing to sit in a tiny chair while he had a tea party with his little girl.” She paused, lost in her own thoughts for a moment before adding, “I can imagine him coming home from work, dropping his car keys on the kitchen counter, then coming up behind his wife and giving her a hug while she’s making dinner. ”
I’m not going to lie, I was floored by her comment, how specific it was, and it made my eyes water when I realized what she was talking about.
Josh and Keegan signed themselves up for Little League when they were nine and eleven.
Mom talked about how excited they were when she found a couple of baseball gloves at a garage sale.
She even found one for Dad too, but he refused to play catch with them saying he didn’t have time.
Even back then he was spending too much time at the casino.
And it wasn’t like Dad didn’t know anything about baseball.
He used to brag about being a star player on his high school team.
I think that’s why Josh and Keegan wanted to play in the first place.
But Dad didn’t want to have anything to do with them.
I was also keenly aware of the tea set with the little table and chairs Mom found at a thrift store.
I loved that set and would have tea parties with my raggedy old dolls, but there was this one time when I asked Dad to join me.
I didn’t think Mom even knew about that, but apparently, she did.
When I asked, instead of politely turning me down, Dad barked, “Clean your damn room, it’s a fucking mess!
” I think I must have been about six or eight, I can’t remember, but I do remember how it felt. He really hurt my little feelings.
This man is nothing like Dad. The more I’ve learned about him, the more convinced I am that Riggs Dwyer would make a great dad and a kind, caring husband who takes care of his family. And looking back, I love how Mom saw that too.
I wonder if he’s right. Has she been up there, happy, looking down on me and Riggs when we were sitting here while he made everything better?
Is she smiling, full of joy that I have this man in my life?
I know Mom and nothing would have made her happier than to see me with a guy like this.
I also know he was right about her. She was suffering.
Every day was a struggle, and I knew the toll the pain was taking on her.
And now it’s finally over. Thanks to Riggs, I can see that as well.
Still, the pain in my chest could make me burst into tears at the drop of a pin.
I’m glad she’s not suffering, but the selfish part of me would have kept her here.
Maybe. I’m not sure what I would have done had I been given a choice.
What would she have wanted? She was a strong woman who always put her own suffering aside to care for me and my well-being.
But she was exhausted. It was unbelievably hard for her, yet she was so happy when I went to the ski lodge and now I can totally see why.
If I were the one with cancer, nothing would have brought me more joy than seeing my daughter happy.
I’m so grateful that Riggs opened my eyes to that.
I think Mom loved the whole idea of me and Riggs, but there was something I never told her about him.
As much as I’ve come to realize what an amazing man he is, there’s always been one obvious problem.
Forget his potential to be a great dad and wonderful husband, he can’t even be a boyfriend if he’s never around.
That’s why every part of my brain is telling me his tongue in my mouth is a bad idea. Unfortunately, my ovaries don’t care, and in this case, those bitches win! I’ll just have to figure it out later.
He answers my kiss by leaning forward, the weight of his body gently pushing me to my back.
There’s hunger on his lips as he pulls me against him with a strength that borders on terrifying.
He could break me if he tried, but there’s a rough, aggressive gentleness to it that makes me want more, so much more.
I do something I’ve been dying to do for a long, long time—I push my hand into the opening at the top of his shirt and feel his rock-hard chest. He flexes and I feel the lines, the tightness of his skin, the tiny ripples of muscle between his pecs, and I can’t help it—I let out a soft moan. My body aches for him.
With a whoosh, he throws himself back to a sitting position while lifting me onto his lap. The rush of being handled so easily is exhilarating and so is his size growing between my legs.
I’m on fire as I grab the bottom of his shirt and start pulling, but he’s too big, too massive. Seeing my frustration, he looks me in the eye with a tantalizing grin, then reaches down to cup my hands and slowly helps me pull the shirt over his head.
Suddenly he freezes in place, shirt off like a Greek statue worthy of worship, but there’s a scowl on his face I don’t understand. I brushed my teeth and put on deodorant. “What’s wrong?”
He hesitates, running his fingers through his thick tousled hair. “I don’t have a condom.”
Thank God. For a minute there I thought I might have a bad smell. I think I would have died of embarrassment. “I’ve been tested. Rhonda made me after a bad breakup just to make sure the guy didn’t give me anything. I haven’t been with anyone since.”
He lets out a sigh of relief. “Ash and I are tested often, more than I like, actually. It’s something big advertisers require to make sure there’s no risk of bad press on the horizon.
At least that’s what Elsie tells us. You never know with her.
Either way, I’m clean and I haven’t been with anyone either. ”