18. Wesley #2
But as I try to close the distance again, she’s turned her face from me, prying my fingers from her sides.
“Avery,” I breathe her name, but she’s slipping away from me out through the bar and to the entrance.
Before we’ve actually resolved anything, I let myself get swept up in her presence. Now she’s gone again. This is what I get for being greedy.
I follow her out into the night.
She’s halfway across the parking lot, heading straight for the highway when I yell, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m going back to my car. The tow truck should be there soon,” she says, her voice shaking.
“Have you ever seen a horror movie in your life? I’ll drive us.”
“I need space.”
“Why? What happened in the last two minutes that has you pretending there isn’t something important happening right here?” I cry out. “Please stay. Talk to me. Tell me the truth.”
She stops, feet crunching on a pile of loose gravel as she turns to look at me, lips pulled back in a snarl. “Why? So you can say all the right things and get my hopes up again?”
“I begged you to be here. Now, think, why the hell would I do that?”
“Because you saw I was engaged and didn’t want to share, so you got in the way.
Then when I got here, we were having a good time, and I started to believe I had you back.
I’ve spent the last ten years missing you and”—she gasps for air—“I finally didn’t have to miss you anymore.
I finally didn’t feel lonely. Like I do all.
The. Fucking. Time. And then when I got excited about rehearsing with you, to feel the way we just did on that stage, you didn’t show up.
” Her shoulders start to shake and her fist ball at her sides.
“You know I was worried you were hurt! That you were in a hospital somewhere! When I picked up my phone, I was ready for the worst, for it to happen again.” Her voice turns to ice, sending a chill straight to my bones.
Is that what she thought? That she was learning about me the same way she learned about Hudson?
“But you were just having too much fun at your stupid fucking party. And now I’m here, feeling like some fucking toy you’ve tossed to the side because you got bored of playing with me.”
“You’re not a toy,” I say firmly. “You’re so fucking real it hurts.”
“If it hurts so much, why don’t you move on?” she yells. A truck blurs by behind her, sending her hair whipping around her shoulders like some vengeful god ready to take my soul. She doesn’t have to take it, though. I’m here, ready to give it to her.
“You make it sound like I have a choice.”
“Then act like you want me in your life. Show up when you say you’re going to be somewhere instead of waking up next to someone else and running two hours late. Act like you give a damn!”
“So you want me to be celibate? Great, say the word! Talk to me. Tell me that’s what you want, and we can go on pretending that it makes sense when we’re not together.
Because I’ll do it if that means we can find a way to make this work.
I kissed those girls and regret it. I woke up feeling fucking sick about it.
” I stretch my face to the sky and shout, cursing the stars.
It wasn’t supposed to go this way. “Meanwhile, the media was having a field day with those images, making up stories that never happened. I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn’t even give me a second to explain.
I miss Avery who would have asked me if it was true instead of just thinking I’m a slut like everyone else.
” My lungs burn. It feels like they’re shrinking in my chest. I keep trying to pull in air but it’s not enough.
I push through the lancing pain. And it’s not just my lungs, because my heart starts aching too.
“You think you’re the only one who lost a friend, but you’re not!
Because my best friend would have checked on me instead of assuming the worst.”
It’s my fault, though. I handed her the evidence and helped her draw this conclusion time and time again because I thought it was for the best. Yet, there’s the part of me that has been desperate for her to see through the fabrication.
To throw it all in the trash and demand the truth.
Because she’s always been defiant. The person I could rely on no matter what.
And when I saw those pictures of me with those women, it was like someone was patting me on the back, cheering me on even as they slapped their hand against a raw wound. Was it too much to hope that she’d see the blood and ask what caused it instead of tossing salt at it?
Her mouth slackens and brows dip as she takes a step toward me, then another. Slow. Each a deliberate choice. “Are you, okay?” And how long have I waited for her to ask me that. To see I’m not.
“No.”
“Wes, what happened?” She lifts a hand to my face, cupping my cheek, and I lean into her touch.
“Maddie.” My voice cracks and I swallow to clear my throat. “Maddie was there.” My legs shake, knees threatening to give out.
Wordlessly, she guides me to the entrance platform; the protruding ledge on the other side of the railing is just big enough for us to sit comfortably.
“What does Maddie have to do with this?” she asks. “It’s been a long time since you two ended things. I don’t understand. Help me understand.”
I run my finger in circles over a knot in the wood.
Grounding myself. I can do this. I’ve been talking to Dr. Davis about it.
But it’s harder here. Not talking to an image on a screen.
“At first, I really thought she wanted to help me and my career, introducing me to the right people. Taking me to parties. She knew how to make me feel special but also convinced me if I wanted to keep feeling that way, then I needed her. I didn’t think twice when we started meeting at her place instead of the office.
” I try to trace another circle but my fingers start to shake.
Avery grabs my hand, rubbing her thumb gently over the side. “I’m here.”
I start again, vomiting the words out like some poison that I can rid out of my system if I just talk fast enough.
“I thought it was normal. She was touchy, especially after a drink or two. Friendly. The first time she kissed me, I thought I’d just given her the wrong impression and told her that.
Next time was after I landed a cover shoot.
She told me that, without her, I was just a pretty face, someone who needed guidance.
And when she put her hands on me, I couldn’t say no.
She had all this power, and I believed her.
I needed her and her connections. I never went to college or really had any skills besides music.
I didn’t see any other options. I told myself I could deal with it until I had enough power of my own. ”
When I’m done. I do feel like I’ve expelled something rancid from my system.
For so long, I felt like the only thing I could do was keep it in.
If I didn’t say anything, then I would be the only person the harsh reality affected.
It’s been a secret with so much power over me, but talking about what I survived seems to loosen the grip it has over me. Still there, but more bearable.
“And then you cut ties,” Avery says. Her voice is level, but I feel the rage radiating off of her, only contained for my benefit. “You got out.”
“Mostly.” I slump. Any energy I had is gone, leaving me boneless.
“What does she still have?”
“A cut from my Fool’s Gambit earnings.” That’s always been one of the worst parts, how in some small way, she has a claim on the best years of my life. I can’t even talk about them without her getting a cut of the inevitable spike in sales.
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I didn’t want you to know. She could have ruined it for all of us. Taken our dreams and thrown them in the trash.” My fists clench.
“It would have been worth it to me. Fame was never my dream. This life? I don’t need it. Making music with you. That was the dream.”
“Which is exactly why I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t have asked you to make that choice. I’m not worth it.”
“Like hell you aren’t!” She launches to her feet and paces, arms thrust in the air, hands looking like she’s attempting to choke a ghost. “You know… I hate when you do this. Act like you’re expendable.
Like you matter less, for whatever reason, and have to hide that you have actual fucking feelings to make the rest of us feel better.
And then you joke and smile. Just let me fucking care about you, damn it!
And if I ever see Maddie with her stupid fucking lipstick that is that weird shade of orange—” She’s cut off by the sound of her phone in her pocket.
Without looking she silences the call. “I swear to God, I’ll—” It rings again causing her to huff.
She answers and snaps. “What! I’m in the middle of telling my best friend he needs to get better at asking for help! ”
Best friend. Two words that ring in my head.
It’s cathartic to see her angry for me.
This door opens in my chest, letting out one of those emotions Avery has reminded me that I forcefully ignore.
Like her anger has allowed me to access some of my own.
I should have been able to trust Maddie.
Should have been safe. Instead, I was backed into a corner and forced to make an impossible decision.
She pauses, her cheeks tinting pink. “Oh shit. Yes, that’s my car. I can be there in five minutes. Thank you, sir. Sorry for yelling.” Another pause. “Yes, he is very important.”
A laugh gusts from my lungs. Liquid snot drippling from my stinging nose that I hastily wipe away.
“What?” she demands, shoving her phone in her pocket.
“Nothing. It’s just that I’m very important .”
“There you go joking again.” She props a fist on her hip, and I take her in.
Fuck, I missed her. Not just these last two weeks, but in the way she has missed me, for ten years. But really, I think I’ve missed myself too. Locked myself away and only let myself feel what I can handle.
“Let’s get going before he leaves you stranded all over again.”