Chapter 38
“Can you forgive me?”
Quinn looks down at her hands. She’s an adult now, but I can still see echoes of the kid I left behind. When I was working for Romero, I tried not to give myself permission to imagine what a reunion would look like, but I still had ideas.
Like that he would have to be dead. That turned out to be more or less true. And Quinn would be angry at first. Which she was. But also that she’d understand and forgive me without that much trouble.
That’s still up for debate.
Recovering from getting shot in the gut also wasn’t in the plan, but life is fun like that sometimes.
I never expected to be having this conversation sitting on the end of a picnic table in the Outlaw Sons compound while my sister’s three boyfriends are playing Frisbee golf around the edge of the field and the grill heats up.
And that Heath is one of them is something I try really fucking hard not to think about too much.
They’re trying to be subtle about keeping an eye on us, which is ridiculous.
“I will eventually,” she admits, sounding more resigned than happy about it.
“It’s just that I’m not five this time. Growing up with Mom wasn’t easy, but I was a kid.
I didn’t know what was normal or not. They told me you were my brother and acted like it was this magical thing.
I just remember wanting more than anything to have a friend that was all mine and couldn’t be taken away.
Right now I feel like you cheated. All this time you knew where I was, and since I was working, you even got to watch me grow up, kinda.
” Quinn finally looks at me, tears in her eyes.
“I had nothing, Ax. I had a grave I couldn’t visit without making Mom mad, and a box of money that made me remember the cop telling us you were dead every time I used it. ”
“Fuck… I don’t know what to tell you, Q.”
“Was it worth it?” She swings her feet next to mine, kicking at a blade of grass the mower missed. “Making decisions about what’s best for me without even asking first. Just like Mom.”
“I’m nothing like that bitch,” I spit out. “Sorry. I know your feelings are probably complicated, but she was.”
“I know, trust me, I know more than most people, but it doesn’t change that in some twisted way she felt like what she was doing was for the both of us.
That I wasn’t old enough, or smart enough, or experienced enough to know what was good for me.
Our old relationship is dead, Ax. We have to build a new one now, and I need to know you’ll give me the respect to treat me like an equal. ”
I can’t help the snort that comes out. “Like they do?”
Quinn laughs, and there’s humor in her eyes when she glances my way. “They do in their own way. It’s like an NDA. I know Priest, Sinner and Colt are going to do things they can’t talk to me about. And they’re bossy. And they’re overprotective…”
“You’re making me want to kidnap you again, little sister.” I’m only half kidding when I say it.
“But one thing I know is that they would never have gotten serious about the four of us if they didn’t trust me to hold up my corner of the table, if that makes sense.
If shit hits the fan, Colt’s made sure he can toss me a gun and I’ll defend what’s important.
” My horror must show because she shoves me with her shoulder.
“Don’t look at me like that. It’s just an example. You’re no choir boy.”
“Are you going to move in here? Join their old ladies club?”
“They basically adopted me, so I’m not sure I have a choice,” she says with a grin.
“I’m keeping my apartment for now, though.
I spent too long under Mom’s thumb to want to give it up so soon and the guys understand.
I need to get used to having my own space, and it’s kind of nice to have somewhere else to go with them sometimes, too.
The Sons own the whole street between the compound and the river, so one of these days maybe we’ll move into one of the houses down there, but I’m not ready for that quite yet.
What about you? Are you sticking around? ”
Most of the time when we’ve been talking, Quinn has been carefully looking anywhere but at me. But when she asks about my plans, she turns and watches my face while I figure out what to say.
“I am for as long as you want me to be here, and I fucking mean that. You asked me if it was worth it, Q. And I don’t honestly know if I have a good answer for you.
It felt worth it at the time, and I was still a fucking kid when it happened.
It didn’t seem like there were any good options, so I made the decision that kept everyone alive.
Including me. But three years later? Six?
I don’t know exactly when it stopped being something I chose and started being something I was used to.
” I stretch gently to the side, careful not to pull at the stitches.
“Everything good over there?” Heath—no, Priest—shouts.
“Yeah!” We both yell at the same time.
Quinn and I look at each other for a moment before laughing.
She hops down from the table and starts rummaging through the cooler. “It has to be warm enough by now, right?”
“I’ve got no fucking clue. It’s fire, isn’t it?
Aren’t pretty much all levels of fire hot enough to cook on?
” Do I have to turn in my man card for not knowing how to grill?
It’s not really a skill I put a lot of thought into alongside killing, threatening, torturing, and running illegal shit around the country.
We lost a lot of time, and I hope to God she never learns half of what I did while she thought I was dead, but in some ways Quinn and I aren’t that different.
We both spent a lot of time following someone else’s rules, and now we have to figure out how to be our own people.
Her life looked amazing from the outside but was hell behind doors, mine was a violent nightmare most of the time, but it’s amazing what you can get used to.
As long as I did my job and followed the rules, I had more freedom.
Neither of us are what I’d call well-adjusted enough to know how to cook a hot dog, but maybe we can get there.
Colt jogs over. “Out of the way. I’ll do that.”
“What’s my job, then?” Quinn asks.
“Keep the drinks stocked, look pretty, and suck my—” He glances at me. “Dick.”
Quinn flushes bright red.
“For a second there I thought you were going to be respectful,” I say dryly. “Seeing as she’s my sister.”
He shrugs. “Put in the work and I’ll think about it.”
“That’s the plan.”