Little Princess
Trigger Warning - small flashback of previous assault and panic attack
This time I knock loudly several times. No need for a repeat of the other afternoon.
Bjorn answers with a knowing look but lets me in the shelter all the same.
"What's wrong? It's just me here." His voice is gruff and slides over my skin deliciously.
"That's okay, Bjorn. I was actually looking for you."
His eyes widen slightly in surprise as if the thought of me looking for him specifically was odd.
"Oh, um, of course." He leads me to the main living area and invites me to sit.
"What do you need?"
I sit down gratefully and accept his offer of biscuits.
Making sure I've swallowed all the food in my mouth I continue, "I was wondering if you'd like to run a few cooking classes for the kids' school.
It would only be once or twice a week and I understand if you're too busy so it is perfectly okay if you can't do it. "
Bjorn is silent for a moment and his lack of emotion on his face throws me off a little.
"I'm sorry, you're probably too busy. I'm sorry for wasting your -"
"Juliette." His voice is firm. "I can help out with the kids."
I'm sure I'm blushing as I nod. "That's wonderful! Let me know what times work for you and I'll tell the children. Oh this is so exciting!"
I clap a little and can't quite keep my body from bouncing slightly in the seat.
Bjorn stares at me for a couple seconds, unsmiling, and for a second I wonder if I've done something wrong. Then he leans closer and his rough beard brushes my cheek. "You're so... cute when you're happy."
I can't pull my stare away from his brown eyes and my fingers fidget in my lap.
"Oh... I- um, I like your face?" My voice is a little shaken at his close proximity and I curse my entire life choices up until this moment. "I like your face?" What is wrong with me?
His head tips back a little and the chuckle that rings out is rough and warm and makes my insides do weird flips.
"I understand Cass' obsession with you." His finger traces my cheek softly and I'm sure my heart is beating so loudly that he can hear it.
"You're so pretty you hurt my heart to look at, Little Princess. "
Little Princess.
Everything inside me comes to a sudden, screeching halt. Two words and I'm back there in their arms.
I stand so suddenly that Bjorn pulls back in surprise.
"Juliette?" He goes to step toward me but I leap out of his reach.
I think I'd break if anyone touched me right now.
Just shatter into a million pieces never to be put back together again.
Although maybe I am already broken.
Ice grips my chest and doesn't let go.
"No. Sorry, you didn't do anything. I just- I just have to go. Bye." The words have barely left my mouth before I'm out door.
Memories threaten me and I grit my teeth against their unwelcome intrusion. I half stride half run towards my shelter. It's so bright outside and I can hear my own panting breaths. I'm sure people are around me but I can't see them, can't see anything but my destination.
Diving into my bed I curl up into a ball and pull the blanket over my head. It's too bright outside and I need it to be darker.
Memories and flashbacks batter the edges of my subconscious and pain coats my heart.
I'd given the men in Merrywood Camp more trust than anyone in my life, proven by how close I'd let Caspian and Bjorn get to me.
What the hell was I doing? These men haven't done anything to earn the trust I'd given them.
They could do whatever they want to me - after my upbringing and Father and all my experiences - I'd gone and made the same mistakes again immediately after leaving home.
Putting myself in the same vulnerable position with men I didn't know.
Old thoughts and memories come rushing back to me at a speed I can't keep up with.
The King, Matthew, Warren. I should know better.
Why don't I know better? It doesn't make sense!
All this time I'd placed the blame on them but maybe it was me.
I put myself into a position to be hurt and then they hurt me.
Of course they did. And now I'd done the same with these men - God, a whole camp of them. What's wrong with me?
I need to get out of here. I'm suffocating. My breaths are coming too fast and making my heart race. Stumbling, I push the blankets away from me, desperate to breathe properly again. Maybe outside will be better.
The cool air fills my lungs but does nothing to calm me. Voices chatter and the noise grows louder and louder. Out. I need to get out. Now.
I stumble blindly away from the noise, away from the people and the tents and the smells. Oh God, I'm going to throw up. I try to remember my old breathing exercises that Daria helped me with when these attacks first started but every thought slips my mind like water through a sieve.
Images of Matthew's hands on me and Warren's laughter bash me and I barely make it out of the camp before I lose my breakfast in the dirt.
Reality and my nightmares mesh together and I'm helpless to pick the truth from the lies.
Flashbacks of myself lying helplessly on the ground with my Father laughing down at me assault me next. I need it to stop. Why am I so weak?! Two words and every false facade I carefully constructed came crashing down faster than I could rebuild.
It takes me a second to realise I'm sitting down and no longer moving. My back rests heavily against a tree and the sturdy feeling grounds me a little.
"Juliette? Hang on I'm coming!"
The voice is familiar but I can't place it and my eyes refuse to open. Suddenly a presence registers next to me.
"Are you hurt? Juliette, I need you to answer me, love."
My heavy pants are the only answer to his question.
"Okay, Juliette, I need you to breathe with me. Big breath in and big breath out. Just like that, you're doing so well." Hands grab me and shuffle me so I'm no longer leaning against the tree but a warm chest.
"You're okay. Just listen to my heart beating and take some more breaths. I've got you, love. It's okay."
His voice is familiar and gentle and I sob a little at the tenderness. His hands grab me again and twist me in his arms and I bury my head gratefully in the crook of his neck.
"You're okay. I'll never let anything happen to you."
My heart calms a little and breathing becomes a bit easier. A hand brushes down my back comfortingly and another tucks the hair out of my face, gently stroking the side of my face.
Another flashback hits me and I tense up - Warren's hands on me, on my body. Wait, who's holding me right now? It couldn't be him. It couldn't be. Right?
The man holding me senses my struggle and grips me tighter in his embrace. "Don't worry, Juliette. It's just Caspian."
Just Caspian. Thank gods.
I relax again in his hold, my eyes still refusing to open. It's not long before I'm drifting and then asleep.