Chapter Ten #3
“I don’t know how Cali feels because we haven’t talked.
I’ve barely seen her over the last several months.
Kreed is the one spendin’ time with her and the kids.
I take care of things around the house, but that’s it.
The closest I’ve been to her is when she had a panic attack after someone was in her house.
Kreed knew he couldn’t get her out of it, so I went over.
She ended up wrappin’ her body around mine as I held her on the floor of her kitchen.
For the first time in months, I felt like everythin’ was right in my world.
There was no fog holdin’ me back or the need to drink myself into oblivion so I wouldn’t go to her.
For a few minutes, no one else in the world existed but the two of us.
I’ve never had that feelin’ with anyone before.
Now, she’s livin’ in my house with the kids and I’ve been avoidin’ it since we unloaded the stuff there last night.
What you walked in on, Tank, is me tryin’ to drink until I can’t walk straight.
Carly just kind of showed up before you walked through the door,” I say, closing my eyes as I remember the feeling of Cali wrapped around me while she cried and took the strength I was giving her freely wanting nothing in return.
“The point we’re all tryin’ to make is that it’s okay to be with Cali.
Do you think Darren would want the two of you to be playin’ this game and hurtin’ one another on a daily basis?
I wasn’t close to Darren, but that’s not somethin’ he’d want if he were truly your friend.
He’d want a man like you to take care of his family when he couldn’t be there to do it himself.
Especially if he knew you loved her when you were younger and didn’t push for him to leave her alone because of your friendship.
I know he told you he was gonna ask her out.
You’re choosin’ loyalty over the love of your life.
We all understand that’s who we’ve raised you to be, Caleb.
I think you’re makin’ a huge mistake by not followin’ your heart,” my dad says, he crouches down and places a hand on my shoulder in comfort as I remain on my back.
“Your dad’s right, Caleb. We all love ya.
You know I’ve always been there for you and I have a ton of time to help you work through this shit.
From my perspective, I see a guy who loves a woman that’s been part of his life for over ten years now.
You’ve constantly put her wants and needs before yourself and have let her live her life with Darren.
Any one of us could tell you she wasn't in love with him. She cared about him and loved him as a friend, but that’s it.
Darren was the first guy who asked her out and they both did what they thought was right by gettin’ married when she found out she was pregnant.
Neither one of them wanted to be married to one another.
“I know we weren’t here when Darren was consistently.
However, I was here enough to see how he treated Cali.
He went from a man who helped her around the house and with the baby to a guy who sat on his ass drinkin’ beer from the time he woke up until the time he passed out on the couch.
They didn’t share a bed after she got pregnant with Rory.
Darren was absorbed in himself and the demons hauntin’ him from each deployment you went on.
Cali and Bryce got pushed to the back by him.
Yeah, he played the part and acted like a good husband and father when Kreed and you were around.
That’s not how he was when they were alone.
Hell, that’s not how he was the few times she was in public with him.
I watched them at the diner one night and Darren paid attention to every woman but Cali,” Tank says, telling me something about my friends I didn’t know.
Cali sure as hell never said anything to me about how Darren was truly treating her when they were alone.
“You need to get off your ass and get your shit straight, Caleb. I’ve been the President of the Phantom Bastards for a long time.
You’ll make a great President. I never had any doubt in that.
Right now, you’re not a man I’d make the President of anythin’.
You’d be lucky if I made you a member of a club with the way you’re actin’.
You’ve got a ton of guilt built up inside for no reason.
That day Darren made his own choice. He chose to go after Kreed and he gave his life doin’ that.
You told him to take cover and wait it out.
Darren knew you’d go after Kreed yourself and still made the decision to go after him.
Let that guilt fuckin’ go, Caleb. You and Kreed both carry a ton of guilt for that mission and what happened to your team,” my grandpa says as the dam breaks and the tears slide from my eyes, down the side of my face, and land on the mat next to me.
“Stop drinkin’ and fuckin’ around with the girls.
Make Cali see you can be the man she needs as her friend.
I know you won’t make the decision to claim her as your ol’ lady.
So, your friendship needs to go back to what it once was. Let. It. All. Go.”
After several minutes of me laying on the mat and letting the tears fall for all the guilt I hold starts to fall from my shoulders, Kreed helps me up very slowly.
My dad and Tank take me from him because my papa wants to talk to him.
I have no doubt he’ll get the same words about letting his guilt go.
They take me up to my room and help me in the shower so I can clean up before Doc comes up and patches the wounds from Tank.
While I’m in the shower, I shed a few more tears and let them blend in with the shower raining down over my head.
Thoughts of Darren and the last mission fill my mind and I replay every single decision and move I made during that battle.
When I’m done with my shower, Tank helps me get out so I can wrap a towel around my hips.
He doesn’t say anything because he knows I’m lost in my head about the situation and need to process everything that happened today.