31. Willow
31
WILLOW
The words don't flow as easily when I've got so much to think about. I worked, I did a little yard work, I slept, and now I’m trying to work again, and it’s like pulling teeth. I finish up a scene, but it feels slow. Like the heroine isn’t sure what she wants anymore.
Which is absolutely not at all a problem that I’m facing. I can’t believe I used to think the sex scenes were the hard part. Now when I’m writing, the sex comes easily, but the emotions feel complicated. Maybe I'm starting to get reliant on my guys for more than just sex?
That's a stupid question. Of course I am. Somewhere between stomping up to the club to tell them to quiet down, and finding out more about who they are as people so I actually care about the big idiots has destroyed my chances of having some quick summer fun and moving on with my life. I've fallen for them.
Hard.
There's no denying that.
Skyhigh, always in charge, always there to make me smile, and he has that competency of knowing exactly what he's doing, all the time. But also sensitive to my needs and a lot of hard-earned experience.
Dragon, quiet, stern, strong, but sweet and a little silly when you get to know him. Swoonworthy. And the way he gets all quiet and deadly whenever he thinks someone or something might hurt me? It makes my heart beat faster every time. And every time I lure a smile out of him, it feels like a little victory.
Blackout seemed like the easy going one, who loves to make me smile, and then loves to take charge and show me exactly how kinky I can be. But now that I know more about his past, I understand more about what makes him tick. He trusts me in a way that I don't know that I deserve.
A month ago I had exactly one friend in town, and now I have so much more. I can’t imagine my life without any of them, and even the club itself has started to feel like an odd sort of family. I would never have imagined this was possible when I decided to move into this house.
Jeez, has it really only been a few weeks? So much has happened. And here I thought the timeline for my book was unrealistic.
I tap the keys, adding a sentence, deleting it, adding it again, just a little different. Is it better? I have no idea. I've reached the point where nothing looks right. Pushing away from my desk, I grab my room-temperature coffee and sip it quietly while looking out over the yard. It's still only partially finished. Now that I know more about Tanner and the fact that it was his dog I found, I can understand why they wanted to search around here a little more, just in case.
I chuckle. If they think they can get out of finishing my garden just because I know why they were really back there, they’ve got another think coming.
“Willow?” a voice yells up from downstairs. It’s Sinner, assigned to keep an eye on me. They’ve been rotating through guards since Tanner realized he’d been found out. Nobody knows if he recognized me, but better safe than sorry.
“Yeah?” I yell back.
“I’m going next door. Paige and Jessica are here. Call me over when they leave.”
“Okay!” I head downstairs and meet them on the porch.
“Your house is so cute!” Paige says with a big smile. “I can’t wait until we’re all neighbors. For real, not up the hill ones.”
The thought makes me smile. “Same. I was really worried about what the club’s plans were, but now that I know people are actually going to be living down here again, I’m really glad I didn’t sell. Come on in.”
They come inside, looking around curiously.
“Can I ask you guys some questions? It's about bikers. Well, three of them in particular, I guess.” Just saying that out loud feels weird, but at the same time, I know there's not going to be any judgment.
“Of course.” Paige sits on the couch with a yawn. “Sorry. I’m so freakin’ tired all the time.”
Jessica nods. “I think I know where this is going.”
“That obvious, huh?”
Paige shrugs. “We’ve both been there. When you know the signs, it’s not exactly hard to connect the dots.”
“What are you worried about?” Jessica asks. “Maybe it’s easier to start there.”
“They’re bossy. They outnumber me. Their first loyalty will be to the club.” I tick things off on my fingers. “The danger. I feel like I’m either wrapped in bubble wrap or about to get killed… or about to have the wildest night of my life. Sometimes all on the same day.”
Jessica laughs so hard she hiccups. When she finally manages to breathe, she nods. “That’s a very good way of describing it. I can’t cut my finger without a full body check that always seems to leave everybody naked…” She trails off dreamily.
“You're right,” Paige agrees, “They really are always needing to check everywhere. They're very thorough.”
“Don't you worry that they’ll get hurt?” I blurt out. “I know I haven't been around long, but I'm already so… so attached to them. And then something will happen where I realize that if they just go a little bit wrong, one—or even all three of them—might not come home. How do you deal with that?”
“Alcohol,” Paige says deadpan.
Jessica nods. “Definitely alcohol. And girls' nights. We keep each other company while they're out. I'm not going to lie about that. It's a dangerous life.” She looks at Paige. “Crap, I just remembered you’re pregnant. We might need better coping mechanisms.”
Paige laughs. “They live hard, they fight hard, and they… well, they do everything hard. It's part of the excitement, but also part of the danger. Bonnie helps a lot, too. She’s had the worst happen and she’s still there to tell us to ‘get the fuck on with it’, Paige imitates Bonnie’s grouchy tone. “She and General were happy together, and then he was just torn away from her. She's a tough woman?—”
“Boss bitch,” Jessica interrupts with a smile.
“Yep, boss bitch, tough as nails, but what I was going to say was that I still sometimes see her when she thinks we're not looking, staring at all those pictures of him, touching his old patches or jacket, and it's obvious exactly how much she misses him. It can definitely go very, very wrong.” Paige shudders a moment, probably imagining herself in Bonnie's place.
Jessica nods. “Definitely. When I came here, it was recent enough that she was still a little raw. She took care of me and Anne before things settled, and I think it was good for her to have something to take her mind off it. Bonnie never had kids of her own, but Anne needed a mother and Bonnie has stepped up. In a lot of ways, she’s ended up with three girls.”
Well, that's not exactly the encouragement that I was looking for. Am I making a mistake wanting to be with Skyhigh, Dragon and Blackout?
“But there are the upsides too,” Paige shoots in when she sees my expression. “And I don't just mean the amazing sex.”
“It helps.” Jessica nods enthusiastically until Paige gives her a shove.
“Stop clowning around for a second so I can finish.”
“That's what the guys tell me, too.” Jessica cackles at her own innuendo until Paige literally punches her in the arm.
“Anywaaaay.” Paige drags it out like she's daring Jessica to interrupt again. “Besides the sex, having three men madly in love with you who are willing to set the world on fire if it'll keep you safe is amazing. I'm the center of their world, and every day they come home to me is a blessing of a kind that I never experienced before. Emotionally and practically, you have so much more to draw on. Strengths and weaknesses. I know Poe can fix anything electronic and he loves to read, so we talk about books and read to each other. Crank is super strong, but also clever and outrageous sometimes. He’s the glue that holds us together. And Savage is our bossypants. He takes charge when things need to be done, even if that thing is me. Especially if that thing is me.” She grins. “And so the four of us work together like a unit. It's not just me getting banged by a bunch of bikers, but a relationship where we all build each other up, so what we've got is greater than the sum of its parts, if that makes sense. It's bigger than us, and that still overwhelms me sometimes, but in a good way.”
Jessica nods. “Only you can decide if that's what it feels like for you, but I agree completely with Paige. Ghost, Riot and Tex thought they were kidnapping me, but they literally saved my life. I was so close to giving up when they found me, and now I’m even applying to study in the fall. I could’ve walked away when the craziness of my whole situation was over, but I couldn't find it in myself to do it. I didn't want to, and I still don't. We work together, and they take care of me. And each other, when they need the kind of support I can't provide. It's so much more than a regular relationship.”
“Well, that was a lot.” I laugh a little awkwardly, just from the outpouring of it all.
“Too much?” Paige cocks her head. “I mean, if that's not how you feel about them, you don't have to?—”
“No, actually. I think it was just the right amount, because it helps me organize my own feelings. A little like a book outline, I guess. It helps me see patterns, and understand the consequences, and I couldn't do that until now.” I nod, as it feels like it's all coming together inside me. Like the last parts in a puzzle that I didn't realize I had turned the wrong way.
Yes, they live dangerous lives, but would I really want to go back to my old life and not risk all the good things that would come with them?
No way.
Maybe I'm supposed to be practical and pull away rather than let my feelings drive this, but what is a relationship if not emotions? And the way they make me feel anytime I'm with them is a feeling that’s worth exploring.
“Do you guys want a house tour?”
“Do we? Yes!” Paige declares enthusiastically. “I have seven months to figure out where to put a crib and I need to start my vision board now.”
They both grin and take them around, showing what I’ve done with the place and talking about my own plans. I show them the garden and point out the tomato plants I have growing in pots by the back door. We make plans to have a girl’s night so I can meet Anne, and they can meet Grace. For the first time in maybe my entire life, I feel at home.
When they leave, I work a little more and then take a quick shower, intending on heading up to the club. I change into something I hope the guys will like, black leggings and a pink tank top with a plunge, though if this all works out, I suspect I won't be wearing them for long, and then I nearly run down the stairs, eager to find them and tell them how I feel. How I really feel.
I throw open the door and run right into the large shape standing there, arm raised and finger poised to ring the doorbell. When I bounce back, I have to crane my neck to look up at him. At first my heart assumes it's one of my guys and skips a double beat.
Then it skips a double beat for an entirely different reason.
Tanner.
“Willow. I was hoping I'd find you at home.”