28. All I’ve ever wanted
All I’ve ever wanted
Mike
“Look, mate,” said Felix as he strode down the corridor towards me. “You need to fuck off now, understand me?”
I tried to look beyond him at the conference room where I’d glimpsed Vicky sitting between a concerned-looking Lottie and Tabitha. When I’d caught Lottie’s eye, she’d frowned at me and gave a sharp head shake. Then, when Felix had seen me, he’d taken action.
“I need to see her,” I said. “You don’t understand. I can’t?—”
“This is her place of business, you dickhead. She’s busy.”
“At least tell me if she’s okay. I’m driving myself crazy here. She had that other meeting with the police, but they wouldn’t let me in the station when I went. She won’t return my calls. I don’t think she even reads my messages.”
Felix’s hand went to the back of his neck, and he sighed. He looked just as much at a loss as I felt. “I’m sorry, Mike. I can’t tell you how she is because I don’t actually know.”
I frowned. “What do you mean? You work with her every day.”
“I’ve come to realise that Vicky is pretty fucking adept at hiding in plain sight.
Over the last three years, there’ve been times when she’s retreated into her shell.
I just accepted it as part of her quirks.
But the more I think about it, the more I think that it was the result of some sort of trigger each time: the assault two years ago, that thing with you and the coffee table, her family the other times probably.
Now is no different. She does her job, and if anything, she’s more dedicated to it.
But she doesn’t engage with anyone, not really.
That’s what she’s like now. Not engaging.
The lights are on but nobody’s home. So, no, I don’t know whether she’s okay.
She won’t talk to me or Lucy, or even Lottie.
She comes to work, speaks when she absolutely has to, goes home and won’t see anyone outside work hours. ”
“Shit, shit, shit,” I chanted as I scrubbed my hands down my face.
“Mike?” I lowered my hands at the sound of Vicky’s clear voice and looked up to see her coming towards me from the conference room.
She stopped next to Felix then looked between us with a blank expression.
“Felix, they need you back in the meeting,” she said in that monotone I hated so much. “I’ll deal with Mike.”
Felix hesitated. “Vics, I can?—”
“This is unprofessional,” she said, still in that monotone.
This was killing me.
She’d lost weight again; there were dark circles under her eyes that I could see despite the make-up.
And that light that I’d seen there more and more over the weeks we were together was totally out now.
Her eyes were dull and lifeless. It was as if someone had simply switched her off, and now she was acting on some sort of autopilot.
“Go back. They need you for the final stage.”
“Okay, Vics,” said Felix softly. “If you’re sure?”
Vicky gave a sharp nod, and Felix blew out a breath, giving me a strong bit of side-eye, communicating an unspoken watch yourself warning before striding away from us.
“Vicky, I?—”
“I realise that you likely feel a great deal of guilt for what transpired between us,” Vicky said in that fucking monotone.
My hands itched to grab her into a tight hug, to kiss the light back into her eyes, but I forced them to stay at my sides by bunching them into tight fists.
“But I want to reassure you that your guilt is misplaced. Margot’s investment in your company was very sound.
If anything, you need more money to expand.
You were right not to jeopardise that. I would have preferred that you explained the nature of our relationship prior to embarking on it, but the fact remains that even if I had known you were being paid, I would still have entered into it. I simply wanted you that much.”
“God, Vicky, please listen. The money had nothing to do with why?—”
“Did you attend that gala after Margot had threatened to pull her investment?” Vicky asked, her eyebrows raised.
“Yes,” I said through gritted teeth. “But I wanted you way before, even before that kiss in the Orangery. I would have come for you with or without Margot. And from the first time I held you in my arms, it wasn’t about the money.
I swear, you were mine from that moment, whatever Margot did with her investment, I wasn’t letting you go.
Holding you again at the fireworks only solidified that. ”
Vicky’s eyes flared for a second, and I thought I saw a spark of something, but then the dull look was back. “I find it hard to believe that an adult woman having a breakdown over fireworks was that attractive, Mike.”
“You don’t?—”
“But I want to reassure you that even though I would have preferred to know about the arrangement, I am still grateful to you for so much of your time.”
“What the fuck?” I said very slowly.
Grateful for my time? Was she serious?
“I never thought I would be able to have a physical relationship with anyone, let alone one like the one we shared, which, from my point of view, was absolutely wonderful. I realise you likely have a different perspective on this, given my lack of experience and need for guidance, which must have been… tedious. So, if you feel that you have not been adequately compensated for your time, given that when you entered into this deal with Margot you did not know I was a virgin and would need significant work put in for the required relationship, I’d be happy to compensate you for any additional underpayment. ”
Tedious? She thought I found taking her virginity, taking all her firsts, in a series of the most mind-blowingly incredible experiences of my life, tedious?
Christ, I was almost insane with my need for her. She was like a fever in my blood, yet she thought I found any of that tedious ?
What the actual fuck was going on?
“Vicky,” I growled. “Let me make this very fucking clear. Being with you was the absolute and complete opposite of tedious. If you think I faked any of the attraction I felt for you, you’re dead wrong.
Everything with you was on another level from anything I’d ever experienced with any other woman.
Maybe it makes me a caveman, but I was fucking thrilled and completely humbled by the fact I was your only lover.
Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is you naked on my bed, all I can hear is those small sounds you make when you come.
I can almost taste you on my tongue now if I concentrate hard enough.
I dream about you at night. I’m distracted with this yearning for you during the day.
If you don’t believe anything else, then please, please at least believe that. ”
Her eyes were wide as she stared at me, her mouth open in shock.
Good.
Finally, I’d cracked that blank expression.
Okay, so maybe talking to her in her office about seeing her naked and how she tastes wasn’t totally appropriate, but I was not going to let her believe for a minute longer that any of what happened between us was some sort of fucking chore for me.
“I… well, I—” her monotone was gone now, her voice shaky and real. She clamped her mouth shut and swallowed as she stared up at me. Her pupils were dilated, and she was breathing fast.
I was getting somewhere.
“Vicky, baby, please. I love you. If you just?—”
“Stop!” she snapped, and I swallowed down an angry curse. Her expression had shuttered again, but not before I saw real pain flash across her features. “Don’t say that you love me.”
“I will say it, Vicky.” My voice was shaking with frustration now. “I will keep saying it until you believe it.”
“It’s cruel, Mike,” Vicky whispered, and to my shock, her eyes filled with tears. “Margot’s not going to pull her investment. You don’t have to do this. And?—”
“Fuck Margot and fuck her investment!” I snapped. “I don’t care about that. All I care about is you .”
She closed her eyes, and when one of her tears fell down her cheek she flinched and scrubbed it away quickly as if surprised to find it there.
“All I’ve ever wanted is someone to love me for me. Just for me. Not for something I can give them. Not because they’re under any obligation. Just because they chose me. So for you to say that to me now is cruel .”
She backed away from me then, her face morphing back into that blank mask, and her eyes dulling as she scrubbed away another tear, blinking until her eyes were back to dry and lifeless.
“You’re not a cruel man. I know you’re not.
So please, please don’t say that to me again.
And please don’t try to see me. If I’d known about the arrangement, then I would have been able to keep myself more detached, but I didn’t.
And once I’m fixated on something, it’s very difficult for me to pull my focus back. So you need to stay away from me.”
“Vicky, please, I?—”
“You broke me, Mike,” she whispered. “I’m not strong. I can’t take seeing you without breaking more, and I have to have a chance to put the pieces back together.”
She turned then and walked away, back to the conference room.
I watched her go, my fists still clenched at my sides to stop myself from reaching for her.
All I’ve ever wanted is someone to love me for me.
My chest was so tight I could barely breathe.
Well, I wasn’t going to get anywhere with her now, but I wasn’t giving up.
I was never going to give up.