24. Holly
24
HOLLY
The pain meds were really taking the edge off, but not enough to make me forget what I saw out there. It wasn’t that I was scared of Asher now, but there was definitely something he was hiding from me. I saw it in his eyes, and I needed to know before we got any more involved.
My eyes drifted closed as the drugs worked through my system, leaving me floating in a dreamland instead of under the bright lights of the hospital room. I was cozy and warm in Asher’s arms instead of cold in this hospital gown, surrounded by itchy blankets. I hated being in hospitals. They reminded me of nursing homes with their ugly walls and antiseptic smells.
But right now… Right now, I smelled lavender and some kind of oil. It was a weird combination, but it comforted me. I hummed, smiling to myself as I snuggled into the pillow.
“Baby.”
“Hmm.”
“Baby, let’s get you out of these clothes.”
I peeled my eyes open and frowned when I saw Asher in my room. My bedroom. “When did I get home?”
“About fifteen minutes ago.”
“Huh?”
“You don’t remember me bringing you home?” he asked, his lips twitching.
“Not really.” I thought about it harder, then shook my head. “No, not at all.”
“They gave you some good drugs for your face, but other than that, there was no reason for you to stay at the hospital.”
“My face?” I pressed my fingers against my cheek, but he quickly grabbed my hand, pulling it away from my face.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Doesn’t matter. I didn’t feel anything anyway,” I slurred, slumping over on the bed.
I felt him pulling at my body, but I was already drifting off to sleep.
“Hey, let’s get you in some pajamas and then you can sleep.”
“Jamas?”
“Yeah, jamas.”
I made a humming sound in my throat as he rolled me over and tugged at my pants. I vaguely recalled something similar…not the tugging, but the feeling of someone being on top of me and my eyes flew open. I jerked upright and my hand flew out, slamming into Asher’s face.
My heart raced as my breathing turned erratic. I didn’t know why I was acting like this. I was fine. Everything was normal, but…it wasn’t. And Asher…he was standing in front of me like I was some scared kitten.
“Baby, it’s okay. I’m not gonna hurt you.”
I frowned, wondering why he would say that. But then I remembered him throwing my attacker into the SUV. Not just throwing. Slamming. As if he weighed nothing.
“Who are you?”
The words slipped from my mouth without forethought and the confusion on his face was fully warranted.
“I’m Asher. You know me.”
“I mean…” Flustered, I shook my head, trying to get my jumbled mind to express what I actually wanted to say. “At the thing—the car—today…you threw that man. You attacked him.”
“He attacked you.”
“But you—I’ve never seen you like that.” My chest was still heaving, but this time for an entirely different reason. Because the man in front of me was someone I didn’t recognize. Something about him had changed, and even as I looked at him now, I saw it. There was a crack in him where before, all I saw was my perfect Asher. And I didn’t know what to make of that.
Something in his jaw ticked. Anger. Resentment. Devastation. I couldn’t be sure, but it was there. “I drove up to help you change a fucking tire and I found you on the ground and a man was beating you. He dragged you through a fucking window! What the fuck did you think I was going to do?”
My Asher also never swore that much. Not in one sentence. Not that I minded, but it was strange to hear.
He stood up and paced the room in front of me. I was still wobbly from the meds and was trying desperately to stay awake and focus on what was happening. We were talking about what happened, and I really didn’t want to miss out on this conversation because I wasn’t sure it would ever happen again.
“Holly, you have no fucking idea what it was like for me to find you like that. I would have killed that fucker if it wouldn’t have gotten me sent to prison. You’re the only reason I stopped.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” he asked, stopping to look at me.
I wasn’t even sure what I was asking. Why to anything, really. I had so many questions. At this point, I would take an answer to any of them. So, I started with the basics.
“What are you hiding from me?”
His whole body stiffened. So, I wasn’t wrong. He was hiding something from me, and it was something big. But why was it such a big deal? Was he a murderer in a past life? Was that why it was so easy for him to take a life? And would that change my mind about who he was? I guess that would depend on who he murdered.
Were they innocent children? Bad guys? Mothers and fathers? Rapists? Maybe there was a chart for how bad a murder was and if there was any redemption for it. I’d have to consult the local priest about that one. First, I’d have to figure out who the local priest was.
“Holly,” Asher said, getting my attention.
Right, I was having a conversation with him. Not myself. “Sorry. What?”
“I was saying you should get some rest.”
I rolled my eyes, which was extremely hard to do when my eyes just closed from extreme tiredness. “Figures you’d say that.”
“You’re about to fall over.”
“Can’t fall over if you’re in bed,” I mumbled.
“Yes, you can.”
Sighing, I hit the pillow. I was too tired to argue with him. But at least for now I was snuggled in bed and not really worried about a damn thing. Nothing hurt and I was perfectly content with everything. Well, everything aside from the giant secret Asher was holding back.
His lips brushed across my forehead. “Get some rest.”
I grasped his hand, suddenly terrified to be alone. I knew peace waited for me, but the idea of closing my eyes and possibly seeing that man again was enough to keep me awake.
“What is it?”
“Stay with me.”
“I just need to?—”
“Asher,” I pleaded, my voice sounding way too pathetic for him to turn me down.
He didn’t wait even a second before he kicked off his boots and climbed in with me. Relief hit me the moment his body was pressed against mine and the evil thoughts fled my mind. I wasn’t even sure I cared if he was a murderer in a previous life anymore.
But there was one thing that made me smile as I drifted off to sleep. He smelled like oil.
When I woke up, I wasn’t nearly as numb and that cozy feeling from earlier was gone. Asher was nowhere to be found, and the bright light filtering in had been replaced with darkness.
I pushed myself into a sitting position, sucking in a breath when my side pulled painfully. Since I didn’t even remember leaving the hospital yesterday, I couldn’t remember what exactly was wrong with me. The attack was still a little vague in my mind, and I had no desire to relive it at the moment.
After taking the time to breathe through the pain, I swung my legs over the side and pulled up my shirt, grimacing at the state of my stomach. I had gauze pads covering my stomach and bruises forming all over. I closed my eyes as flashes of the attack started to come back to me—of trying to get across the SUV, but being pulled by my hair out the window. That explained the gauze on my stomach. And the massive headache. Although, I also remembered the multiple punches to the face, so those could be responsible, also.
“The doctor said you don’t need to leave those on.”
I dropped my shirt and looked up at Asher, leaning against the doorframe of my bedroom. I wasn’t sure how he always knew when I was awake or what I was doing, but it seemed no matter when it was, Asher was aware of me at all times.
“I saw him pull you through the window,” he muttered, his voice low. “I was down the road and…I didn’t get there fast enough.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Do you want something to eat?”
I sighed, wishing he would just talk to me. “Maybe something light.” I started to stand, but found that a lot harder than I expected. My whole body was sore.
Asher was by my side before I even had to ask for help. Like I said, he always knew. I didn’t understand any of it. How could anyone have such good intuition about this stuff? Did he have bat hearing? Had he been beaten up so many times before that he knew what this felt like? His superpowers were beginning to frustrate me.
“Here, sit here while I make you something.”
I slumped down in the chair at the kitchen table, wincing as I leaned back against the hard slats. My couch would be more comfortable. “Are you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“About what I asked last night.”
If he was at all put off by my question, he showed no signs of it. He just went through the process of making dinner like we were having a conversation about our day.
“I’m not hiding anything from you.”
“We both know that’s not true. I can see it in your eyes, Asher.”
That got to him. He sighed, leaning against the counter as he continued to face away from me. “What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what it is.”
“And what if I don’t want to? Is that it? Is that the end?”
I swallowed hard. I hadn’t considered that he wouldn’t tell me. Asher told me everything. Always in some quirky way, but he never kept secrets from me. Now…now, he didn’t want to tell me, and that scared me more than anything.
“Can I ask why you don’t want to tell me?”
He slowly turned around to face me. At least he gave me that.
“Because I left that part of me behind. I told you, I’m a different person. It’s in the past, and it needs to stay there.”
“You really think that’s possible? You just make a new life and walk away?”
“Yes, I did it.”
“Life doesn’t work like that, Asher. You can’t just create something new and hope the past never comes back to haunt you. It always does.”
“Not in my world. I left it behind on purpose. I don’t want anything to do with the man I used to be. I like who I am now.”
“Is that why you won’t introduce me to your parents?”
His jaw clenched.
“You told me about your wife, but you have no pictures of her. You won’t tell me how you met her or the circumstances around it. You don’t talk about her in any way. You don’t talk about your childhood or who you were. There’s nothing to you except who you are now.”
“I’m giving you all I have,” he argued. “This is me. All I have left.”
“Maybe that’s not enough,” I snapped. “Maybe I need a whole man.”
I regretted the words the minute they were out of my mouth, but I wasn’t sure taking them back would have any effect on him. I could see the hurt in his eyes, the damage I had inflicted upon him with that particular strike.
“You deserve a whole man, Holly,” he said quietly. “You’re right. You deserve more.”
“Asher—”
“Your pills are lined up on the counter and there are plenty of groceries in the fridge.”
I stood there like an idiot as he walked past me and headed for the front door. I didn’t even try to stop him. Why? I didn’t know. Maybe I was waiting for him to turn around and decide he wanted to tell me everything. Or I guess I thought I needed to stand up for myself. Either way, I didn’t get what I wanted.
The door shut as he walked out.
I stood in my kitchen, all alone and with no one there to take care of me. Not that I needed a man to do that, but it sure was nice. I’d grown so used to having Asher around that the house felt empty without him. Would he be back tonight? Was I supposed to lock the door?
I stumbled into the living room and slumped down on the couch, crying out when I landed more forcefully than I meant to. All this talking had done absolutely nothing for me. I didn’t have any more answers than I started with, and now Asher was gone. What had I really hoped to accomplish by pushing him?
I rolled over as best I could and stared at the ceiling. “Well, you really did it this time. Now you’re sad and alone with a rug that’s too big and a picture of a giant cock on the wall.”
He came in the middle of the night, helped me to bed, and gave me my pills, but he was gone when I opened my eyes in the morning. I wasn’t even sure he had really been here at all. Maybe I’d imagined the whole thing. And along with that, the gentle kiss he pressed to my lips as I laid in bed crying.
He was comforting me when I’d been an asshole.
There was definitely something wrong with this picture. It was me. I was what was wrong with this picture. I had something amazing with him and I just had to keep pushing. And for what? Answers that might not even matter?
I rolled over in bed, wincing as my stomach pulled, along with the multiple stitches. The bruising was a wonderful reminder of the way my day started yesterday, and if that wasn’t bad enough, the way my face was swelling did the job just as nicely. There was no way I was going out in public like this today. Maybe not tomorrow, either.
I fumbled for my phone on the nightstand, looking for Noelle’s number with my one good eye. Crap, it was already past the time she would leave for the store, and she’d be expecting me.
I dialed her number and raised the phone to my ear, hoping she wouldn’t yell at me when I told her I wouldn’t be in today.
“You’re up awfully early. I expected you to be sleeping all day.”
“Really?” I asked in surprise.
“Well, yeah. Asher said you were pretty out of it and you weren’t up for running the shop.”
“When did you talk to Asher?”
“Yesterday, and last night, and again this morning.”
I sat up, ignoring the pain in my stomach. “This morning?”
“Yeah, after he left your place.”
“Left my place?”
She sighed. “Are you going to repeat everything I say?”
“Noelle, he didn’t stay here last night.”
“Girl, that’s insane. I know Asher. After the way you were attacked yesterday, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that man wouldn’t be by your side all night.”
“Yeah, well, that was before I opened my big mouth and said some stupid shit to him,” I grumbled, still feeling like an asshole.
“Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?”
“More like I fucked over paradise.”
“And why would you do that?”
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“Well, whatever you said, it can’t be that bad. I’m telling you, he stayed with you. That man is so in love with you, it wouldn’t have mattered if you had kicked him in the balls and shoved him over a cliff. He still would have climbed back up with his one good testicle and broken limbs, and made sure you were alright.”
I huffed out a teary laugh, wiping the snot from my nose. I couldn’t believe I had screwed things up so badly with him. “How do I fix this? I doubt telling him I’m sorry is enough.”
“You never know. Maybe that’s all he needs to hear. What exactly did you say?”
I was embarrassed to even repeat the words, and telling her felt like a breach of trust somehow, but if I was going to get him back, I was going to need all the help I could get.
“Asher has this past that he doesn’t talk about. He left it behind. I questioned that after I saw him attack that man. It just seemed so out of character for him. And when I pushed him to tell me about his life, he said he left it behind and he didn’t want to talk about it. I said something like…maybe I needed a whole man.”
“Ouch. Seriously?”
Groaning, I flopped back on the bed, ignoring the pain once again. “I know. I’m such an idiot.”
“But you’re not wrong, either.”
“I’m not?”
“Holly, it’s not wrong for you to want answers. You’ve been with this man for months. Things are pretty serious between the two of you. If you’re going to have a life together, he’s either all in or he’s not.”
“And what if he’s not?”
“I don’t know. I guess that’s something you have to decide if you can live with.”
I wasn’t sure I was ready to make a decision like that. I was still riding the pain of the attack and my emotions were running high. Deciding if I could deal with Asher’s issues on top of my own was just a little too much at the moment.
“Tell me what to do,” I whispered.
“I can’t do that. The thing is, I’m not you, and I’m not in a relationship with Asher. Nothing I say can help you. This is all on you and your cheery self. So, ask yourself what you can live with. Can you continue in the bubble you had with Asher, completely happy with him, but never knowing anything more about who he used to be? Or do you need to know every last detail about him, even if it might cost you everything? If you need to know, then you have to be honest with him and tell him this is where you draw the line. Just be prepared that he might walk away.”
I knew she was right. I just didn’t want to make that decision right now. I stared up at the ceiling, taking comfort in having her on the other end of the line. I knew she couldn’t stay on with me all day, but at least I wasn’t alone.
“I’m at the shop. I’ll call you at lunch, okay?”
“Thank you for taking care of everything for me.”
“Anything for you.”
“And call me if you need help.”
“Yeah, like I’d do that,” she snorted. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Next—” I started to protest.
“Asher’s orders.”
For a man who walked out on me last night, he seemed to still be awfully concerned with every aspect of my life, and maybe that should have clued me in about where we stood.
“We’ll see about that,” I muttered, hanging up as she said goodbye.
Knowing that the shop was taken care of, I pulled the covers back over my body and laid in bed a little longer, letting my mind drift until my eyes followed suit. The warmth of the bed slowly lulled me back to sleep, and it wasn’t until hours later that I woke up.
My medicine was on the nightstand with a bottle of water and a banana, along with a note.
A security company is coming by today at one. I’ll be here to take care of it. You won’t have to do a thing. Just wanted to let you know so you weren’t scared when big, hulking men started creeping around the outside of your house.
—Asher
I sighed, pressing the note to my chest. “He’s making it really fucking hard to think about any of this.”