31. Holly
31
HOLLY
I tossed my purse on the couch and plopped down, closing my eyes with a sigh. I was exhausted. There was nothing more I wanted than to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, but I couldn’t shut my brain down. No matter how much I distracted myself, all I could think about was Asher and the return of his dead wife. The look on his face when she appeared in the restaurant would haunt me until the day I died.
My phone rang, interrupting the silence around my raging thoughts. I glanced at the screen and groaned. The last person I wanted to speak to was my mother, but if I didn’t answer, she’d just keep calling.
“Hello, mother.”
“Don’t call me mother. That makes me sound so old. What’s this I hear about you and Asher breaking up?”
“We haven’t broken up.”
“Then why did Noelle say you had?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?” I was going to kill Noelle.
“I did ask her. She said I should leave you alone because you were probably drowning in your tears. Something about his wife? I thought she died.”
“She came back from the dead.”
“Well, that’s just ridiculous. Nobody comes back from the dead.”
“This one did.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
I sighed, rubbing my forehead. “Mom, I really don’t want to talk about this right now. Can we talk later?”
“Later? You won’t tell me anything later.”
“I know. That’s the point.”
“You’re just like your father.”
“If I was just like Dad, I’d be wearing a tinfoil hat and yelling at you for talking to me on the phone.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do and that means I’m getting off the phone now.”
“Don’t you hang up on me.”
“Goodbye, Mom.”
“Holly—”
I hung up. There was no way I was discussing Asher with her when I had no idea what was going on. It was way too early for pajamas, but I had nothing better to do and no one to see. I hauled my ass off the couch and found the comfiest thing I could. I didn’t match and it didn’t look very flattering, but I was comfortable in my flannel pajamas.
As I trudged into the kitchen, I opened the fridge and stared at the contents, willing a pizza or a lasagna to suddenly appear. That didn’t happen. Neither did the Chinese food, the chocolate cake, or the pudding that I secretly longed for. I grabbed the milk and a large cup out of the cabinet. There was only one thing to do on a night like this. Snatching up a full pack of Oreos, I headed into the living room and flicked through the channels until I found a movie to watch. Ironically, Sleeping With The Enemy was on.
I snorted in amusement. “Imagine that. The woman starts her life over with a handsome man and her husband comes back to screw it all up. Sound familiar?”
I dunked my Oreo in the milk and stuck it in my mouth, chewing on it as I dunked the next one. I loved this movie so much. I just never thought there would be any resemblance to my life in it. Before I knew it, a whole line of Oreos was gone and I didn’t feel any better about myself. So, I started on the next line.
“I really should have gotten the double stuffed,” I muttered. “I need a cat or a parrot. At least then, I wouldn’t be talking to myself.”
“You’re not talking to yourself now. I’ll be your friend. I’m Gildy,” I said as if another person was in the room with me.
I rolled my eyes. “Gildy. That’s a terrible name for a friend. I can’t even make up good names for imaginary friends. I suck at being alone!”
I stuffed another Oreo in my mouth and grabbed the next in line. “Maybe I need a British accent,” I mumbled around the next one. “Cheerio. ‘Ello there, Gov’na. Yeah. I could totally pull that off.”
I chuckled to myself and finished off the next line. When there was only one row left, I had the feeling that maybe I should put the cup down and walk away, but some part of me was chanting inside Do it! Do it! Do it! Like it was a challenge to see if I could finish the whole container.
But before I could start the next row, the doorbell rang, and I just knew it was my mother. When I didn’t talk to her on the phone, it was a given that she would show up at my house. I should have just stayed on the phone with her. I shoved to my feet and trudged to the door, yanking it open.
“Hello, Mother.”
She walked right past me with a dish of something that smelled absolutely delicious. I was wrong. This was why I should have stayed on the phone with her. I should have known she would make me comfort food and take care of me. I was such an idiot.
“Look at you. Is that any way to deal with heartbreak?” she asked, leaning over the couch to snatch up my cookies. “Really, Holly. How many of these have you eaten?”
“Only a couple. The package was already open.”
She gave me a disbelieving look. “Then why do you have so much chocolate on your face?”
My eyes widened as I quickly wiped at the corners of my mouth. “I do not!”
“You should really clean up before?—”
The doorbell rang and I stiffened. “Before what?”
She sighed. “Well, I guess it’s too late now.”
“Too late for what? Mother, what did you do?”
“Nothing. I just invited someone over for dinner. After all, I made this lasagna and there’s garlic bread.”
“You didn’t have time to make lasagna,” I said accusingly. “You started this earlier—before I even talked to you!”
The doorbell rang again.
“It’s rude to keep people waiting outside, dear.”
“You invited him over and didn’t tell me? I’m in flannel pajamas!”
“Well, if I had told you, you would have run away or something. I couldn’t take that chance. This is for the best. Even if you do look like a hobo.”
I glared at her as she shooed me toward the door. It didn’t matter what I looked like. Asher and I had seen each other at our worst. Besides, we weren’t really together right now anyway. I had nothing to prove to him.
I swung the door open and nearly died. He looked so amazing. So handsome. So freaking beautiful. And— “I didn’t know you were coming!”
He flinched back as I practically screamed at him.
“I mean, she just sprung this on me. That’s why I’m not dressed.”
“And why you have chocolate in your teeth?” Asher grinned.
I snapped my lips shut and sucked at my teeth, trying to get all the chocolate that I missed. God, this was so embarrassing. But as usual, Asher just took it with a grain of salt and stepped inside, kissing me on the cheek and lingering just a tad longer than he should. My eyes slipped closed and my knees trembled as I inhaled the smell of oil. Even when he cleaned up, it was always there, lingering just a little bit. Others might not like it. I loved it.
“You look beautiful, Holly Bear,” he whispered, brushing a piece of hair back from my face.
And then he was gone, striding toward the kitchen where my mother was and leaving me a trembling, aching mess. I hated that he was able to do that. I was supposed to be upset and confused and maybe a little mad at him, but one look at him and I was weak in the knees. And when he called me Holly Bear?—
I sighed and shut the door, heading over to them. There was no point in trying to ignore what was happening here. My mother had set the whole thing up perfectly. I had no doubt Asher was in on it with her. They probably put their heads together to come up with the whole scheme. Of course, my mother would be on his side. She loved him from the moment she found out about him. He could do no wrong.
“Holly, don’t just stand there. Dinner’s ready.”
I looked at the table and frowned. “Mom, there are only two plates.”
“Oh, you know, it’s the darndest thing. I just remembered that your father and I have some…science speech to go to tonight.”
“Dad hates science.”
“Anti-science. That’s what I said.”
“You’re a terrible liar,” I grumbled.
She hurried over to me and kissed me on the cheek. “Don’t keep your man waiting,” she said, looking at me pointedly. “For the dinner or anything else. Listen to him, please. He loves you very much.”
I’d already lost her. It didn’t matter what I said at this point. My feelings were unimportant. She pinched my cheek and hurried past me to the front door, letting it slam behind her on the way out.
“Well,” I said, walking over to my chair. “I see you got my mother on your side.”
“I didn’t do anything,” he chuckled. “She called me up and arranged the whole thing. I believe I said, Yes, ma’am.”
“That sounds like her.” I took my seat across from him and was about to dish out the lasagna, but he beat me to it, grabbing the spatula first.
“Hand me your plate.”
“So bossy.”
He chuckled, grabbing my plate as I handed it to him. “You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?”
“Should I?”
“No, probably not.”
I took the plate, full of my mother’s steaming lasagna. It really did smell delicious, but after I filled up on Oreos, I didn’t have much of an appetite. That, and my stomach was churning because of the man sitting across from me. But I picked up my fork and did a great impression of cutting lasagna and attempting to eat.
“I saw Jade today,” he said.
I dropped the fork with a clank, no longer interested in pretending. “How was she?”
“Holly,” he sighed. “You knew I had to see her. It was inevitable.”
I knew that, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. “I know it’s completely irrational. She’s your wife, whom you loved very much. It would be insane for you to not want to see her. But you were mine and now…”
His hand slid across the small table and he clasped mine in his. “I saw her because I had to. Because I needed to end this. I wanted her to know that there’s no chance of us ever being together again.”
Tears filled my eyes for the tenth time today and I blinked them back. “How can you say that? You might feel differently in a week or a month.”
“No, I won’t. I can promise you that.”
“You really can’t, Asher. You say that now, but that’s just because it was a shock. Once you remember all those good times you had together?—”
“Good times?” he laughed. “There weren’t good times. Not in the sense that you’re thinking of.”
“Asher—”
“Holly,” he sighed, tossing down the napkin that was on his lap. “There are some things I need to tell you, things that might clear this up a little more for you. I’m not proud of what happened, but I hope it makes you see things in a different light.”
Now I was very curious. I leaned forward, almost desperate to hear the words about to come out of his mouth, hoping that whatever he said was really as life-changing as he thought, otherwise, I just didn’t see how we would make it.
“I told you about Jade taking all those pills. She had a very troubled past. I’m not going to tell you about that because…because that’s her story. But she was hurting, and she chose to steal her mother’s pills and self-medicate.”
“You told me all this.”
He nodded. “She was so out of control and I didn’t see it. There were times when I would walk in on her and it would seem like she was hiding things from me. Or she would be in the bathroom too long. Sometimes, she would sleep for hours past any normal amount of time. It all should have been a red flag to me, but I kept telling myself that the stress of the situation we were in accounted for all of it. There was just so much I was juggling, and I was trying to extract us from the situation, hoping we could leave that life behind and—I was hoping I could take her away from her father. Away from The Syndicate’s reach. I thought then she would be safe.”
“Would you have been?”
“With her father alive? Probably not. She would have been in hiding. I would have had to kill him.”
“So, what brought it all to a head?”
“Her father killed her mother. He’d been drugging her for years, keeping her in a catatonic state. We walked in on her in a lucid moment and…everything went to shit. Jade was shot. Patrick got there just in time and unloaded a magazine into her father, but her father got off a single shot and put a round right in her mother’s head. It was a fucking bloodbath. And Jade saw it all. For days…she just wasn’t there. She didn’t talk. She just stared at nothing. I should have seen it. I should have…”
“Asher…” I pressed my fingers to my lips, wishing I could take away his pain. Even all these years later, it was like he was still reliving it.
“After I buried Jade, I walked away from my life and everyone in it. I just couldn’t—there was no living without her. I had failed her in every way. I blamed myself for her death. For not getting her the help she needed. For not seeing how the pain had taken over and was eating away at her. I cut off all contact with everyone. But Chase and Patrick tracked me down. I was in a rundown house that was barely still standing. I was drunk more than I was sober. And every time I closed my eyes, Jade haunted me. I couldn’t escape her. I dreamed of her every night and woke up in a cold sweat, throwing up almost every time I dreamt of her crashing into that tree. I was in hell.
“I carried the pill bottle she had with her that final day. I thought about taking them and ending the pain, but I never went through with it. I was suicidal one minute and pissed as hell the next, ready to kill anyone who crossed my path. And then a storm came and I just lost it,” he said, lifting his gaze to mine.
I could hear the pain in his words, see how much her death had torn him in two. He wasn’t just hurting. He blamed himself and couldn’t escape from the hell of what had happened.
“I ran out to the truck and grabbed my gun. I was ready to end it right then,” he admitted. “Chase tried to stop me, but Patrick,” he chuckled. “He always had a different approach. He asked me why I hadn’t done it yet. If I wanted it to end so badly, why hadn’t I pulled the trigger?”
He shook his head and his brows pulled down as he remembered that day. For just a moment, he was back there, lost in the moment. I didn’t think, just got up from my seat and knelt in front of him, taking his hand in mine and squeezing. Surprised, his eyes locked on mine and whatever spell he was under was broken.
“You wanted to do it,” I said quietly.
He nodded. “This calm washed over me and I put the gun to my head. I was ready to do it. I closed my eyes and put my finger on the trigger, but Chase tackled me to the ground before I could do it. And then…and then the rain poured down on me and washed away that feeling. It was just…gone. But I knew I would never be able to escape any of it as long as I was that man.”
“And that’s why you became someone else,” I said, finally understanding.
“Maybe that’s the coward’s way out, but I did what I needed to do to survive. I reinvented myself to escape her.”
I was off my knees and wrapped around him before he could even finish his sentence. I understood now. He was right. There was no doubt in my mind about his feelings for me or for Jade.
“Asher—” I took his face between my hands and kissed him. “Thank you for telling me. I wish…I wish I had just believed you on your word alone.”
“I understand why you didn’t.”
I wrapped my arms around him again and rested my head on his shoulders, closing my eyes as the words he said to me reverberated through my head. There was once a time I told him I loved him and he asked me to prove it to him. I hadn’t known what he meant then, but now I did. He wanted me to love him without knowing all of him, and I had failed.
“I’m sorry, Asher.”
“For what?”
I shook my head, feeling like a total ass. Yes, there was more to his story and I needed the truth, but he had good reason to hold back. “Let’s go to bed. I need you to hold me tonight.”
“Do you want to eat first?”
I shook my head. “I’m all filled up on Oreos.”
He chuckled, swiping at the corner of my mouth, then sucking his thumb into his mouth. “Tasty.”
“That’s so gross.”
“I’ve had other parts of your body in my mouth. I hardly think Oreo crumbs on the side of your mouth are that disgusting in comparison.”
My eyes flicked to the clock and I sighed. “It’s only seven o’clock. Is that too early for bed?”
“I didn’t sleep last night.”
“Neither did I,” I admitted.
“Then let’s get to bed. I need at least twelve hours of sleep if I’m going to function at work tomorrow. And I’m sure Noelle would appreciate you being in a better mood tomorrow.”
“Definitely. I think I owe her at least four cups of hot cocoa by now. You know, she brought me hot cocoa with alcohol in it today? It was disgusting.”
“Well, we’ll bring her hot cocoa in the morning and you can put vinegar in it. That should ruin it for her.”
“Only if I get to tell her it was your idea.”
“Baby, you can tell her anything you want as long as you get a picture of her tasting it.”
I laughed and kissed him, snuggling into his neck. “Tell me, Asher. I need to hear it.”
“I love you, Holly Bear.”