Chapter 44
A pit had opened in my stomach like a sinkhole ever since we found out Eva lost her Streamverse account, but the feeling was compounded about tenfold with how I'd responded to Joon.
In hindsight, bonding with another member of my own fuckin’ pack shouldn’t have made me fly off the handle like that.
But I had the same hardwiring as most alphas, and my hindbrain had kicked me in the dick so hard that I’d forgotten myself just long enough to say something that I really didn’t mean.
Not only had I majorly lost my shit when my partner obviously needed me, but my packmate had needed me too. And I just... ignored it for my own hurt and jealousy.
That didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel like me.
But now that it’d happened… I wasn’t entirely sure how I was supposed to fix it.
There wasn't any excuse for what I said, and I wasn’t going to bother trying to make any. I just needed to come up with a way to repair the damage before I made things worse. Because, knowing me and my absolutely flaming case of foot-in-mouth disease, I probably would.
At least once.
I patted the towel over my short curly hair, looking at the dark circles under my eyes in the steam-fogged mirror with a sigh. Usually, I wasn’t the one sleep ran screaming from—that honor fell to Cameo—but last night, I was pushing it to call the stewing I was doing rest.
Sleep? I didn’t know her. Not with my own fucked up words playing back to me on a loop, Joon’s struck expression looming behind my eyelids.
Funny. It seems like you have a type.
What the fuck was wrong with me? Why did I say that? And worse, I'd just let it fester since. Avoiding meeting Joon's eye at all costs as we tried to console Eva about her account termination and the break-in.
It'd been... tense. And the few times I'd managed to pluck up the courage to look at my boyfriend, if he even still was my boyfriend, I'd regretted it almost instantly. His deep, dark eyes finding mine to share his hurt with me as easily as if he'd said it aloud.
Maybe I was projecting, but I doubted it.
What I said... It wasn't okay. But how was I supposed to make it up to him?
To both of them, really. Because it wasn’t only Joon I’d hurt yesterday. It wasn’t Joon’s stuff that I’d flung about the room—and after seeing Eva’s reaction to finding her home turned over, the guilt was chewing me up.
She didn’t deserve that, hadn’t done anything wrong, and still someone felt the need to just… insert themselves where they didn’t belong. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t okay.
And I’d done the same fuckin’ thing to my packmate.
I felt sick with it.
Wrapping the towel around my waist, I clicked off the light to the bathroom as I swung the door open into my bedroom, freezing in place at the sight of the man waiting for me on the other side of the door.
If I weren’t so in my own head, I probably would’ve smelled him first, candy apple hanging in the air, oversweet like it wasn’t quite ripe enough with the omega’s nerves.
Joon sat on the bed in a pair of my green plaid pajama bottoms—I could tell they were mine from the way that they were too long, a couple of inches hanging past his feet, but still fit, for the most part, at the waist. Well, that, and I was about the only person who owned anything, no matter how small, in this house that had any color other than Joon.
And, now that she was staying with us in a more official capacity, I guessed I should’ve included Eva in that too.
Really, she was the anomaly. I wasn’t sure there was anything in the omega’s entire wardrobe that was black.
Cameo would be delighted, finally someone he could sort laundry for that wouldn’t be a complete chore.
A black zippered sweatshirt was mostly undone over his chest, the shoulder slipping halfway down his arm to catch at the elbow as he waited, fidgeting with the string near the hood.
"Hi," I said awkwardly, mostly because I had no idea what else I was supposed to say.
How the fuck were you supposed to open a conversation that you were about sixty percent sure would end with you getting dumped?
"I'm tired of you avoiding me," Joon said, so calmly that I wondered if this was my omega at all. He let go of the string to pick at the bedspread. "It's not fair."
Maybe this was the power of a bond.
One little nip, and even the most unruly of omegas were suddenly masters at having uncomfortable conversations without screaming and crying. If that was the case, I'd really missed an opportunity to sink my teeth into Eva. She certainly could use some of Joon's newfound mellowness.
Okay, hey, I chastised myself, she is going through a lot.
"Yeah, you're right,” I admitted with a swallow as I drew nearer, offering him my hand. "I just... didn't know what to say."
"Me either. Listen—"
"I'm sorry," I interrupted as Joon took my hand, squeezing his fingers.
"Indi, you don't—"
"No, I do. It doesn't matter how upset I was; I never should’ve said that. I don't even believe it's true. Of course, Marcus wants you; everyone wants you, Joon. Fuckin’—I mean—Look at you! You're amazing. I never would've asked you to move in if I didn't think so."
Joon's eyes sparkled with tears that I felt like a knife to the chest, and I just kept talking, hardly taking a breath between the running thoughts that I'd tried to ignore from the moment I realized he'd bonded with Marcus.
"I was so angry—so fuckin’—jealous—I didn't think before I spoke.
And that's not fuckin’ okay. And leaving to go fuck around with Eva while I was mad at you wasn't okay either.
And—Joon, that other alpha was stupid as fuckin' hell if he didn't want you. I’ve never wanted anyone or anything more from the moment I first laid eyes on—"
"Indigo," Joon whispered, squeezing my hand. "Can you take a breath, please?"
Even now, when he should be cursing my name, he was trying to take care of me. If that wasn’t what an omega who so clearly belonged to me was, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be looking for.
I knew the truth. There was nothing and no one out there like Joon. He was one of a kind. And might be a little thick, but really, what kind of alpha would I be if I wasn’t? But I loved him.
He was mine. But more important than that, I was his.
"No," I said seriously, sinking to my knees on the rug in front of him. Lowering myself felt right, like I was where I needed to be. Kneeling with the low pile of the carpet to scratch my knees as I begged for Joon’s forgiveness.
"I haven't been able to breathe right since I hurt you, and I never want to do that again.
I know I fucked up. But if you just give me a chance, I want to show you how much you mean to me.
What being your alpha means to me, even if you don't want me like that. A bond doesn’t—"
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Joon asked, a familiar fire lighting in his eyes.
Apparently, being bonded didn't put that out after all, what a relief.
"Of course I want you like that? Indigo, I didn’t choose Marcus over you.
He was in rut, and I bit him by accident.
I thought you knew if I was ever going to choose a bond again, it was obviously going to be yours.
You're my alpha. And I know it's complicated now that you have to share that role with someone else unexpectedly, but if a bond is what you need to know that you're mine, I'll do that. "
"You would?" I asked, swallowing hard as I toyed with the omega's fingers, looking up at him from the floor. "You'd want that kind of commitment with an alpha who purposefully tried to hurt you?"
“We all say things we don't mean when we're angry," Joon said wryly, and didn't the omega know it. He was practically the king of saying shit just because he was annoyed... but still it felt too easy.
I knew what I'd done, and I knew that it was going to leave marks.
And... Joon had broken my trust. As much as I took it too far with what I said, he'd shattered a hundred promises we'd made to each other when he sank his teeth into Marcus.
“I know who I belong to,” he repeated softly.
“I'm not sure I do," I mumbled, giving another squeeze to try and lessen the blow.
"Even if I'm a little glad you can't just up and leave the pack, there's still this part of me that's so.
.. angry, Joon. At myself. At you. At Marcus…
I thought if you wanted to take things to the next step, we'd talk about it. Make a decision together, like we do with everything else.”
“Alpha, I promise that you were at the top of the list.” Joon reached to stroke his fingers over my cheekbone, and I couldn't help the way I leaned into the touch, my eyes sliding shut with a soft, relieved sigh. "You still are."
"Marcus has always wanted you, I have always wanted you, Cameo—"
"Is Cameo," Joon said with a laugh, making me crack a grin. “Ownership is sort of his thing. But… I don’t care about what Cameo thinks about this. Not until I know we’re okay.”
“I’m so sorry, Joon,” I said, resting my head on the omega’s knee. “Believe me when I say it will not happen again.”
“I know, I trust you, Indi. And... listen, this is sudden, but... Will you bond me? Will you become my alpha?"
The offer was tempting, excitement racing through my veins as the prospect of finally getting to see for myself if Joon loved me the way that I did him.
My answer was obvious.
I opened my eyes to look up into Joon's, taking a deep breath to steady my racing thoughts. "No—"
The omega's face fell, sugary apple scent going alcoholic in his disappointment, but I pushed on. I needed to get this out, even if it was disappointing for both of us.
"I need a minute, and so do you. A bond with any alpha is really special—even if it was accidental. And I don't want to rush us into something that you weren't ready for a couple of days ago just because you feel guilty."
"That's not—" Joon started hotly, and I put my hand up to quiet him, rubbing his knee affectionately.
"I know, and it's not why I want to bond with you either.
I'm your alpha, Joon. It doesn't matter if Marcus got there first; we were already on our way. We just needed a little more time, and that didn’t change just because your relationship with him did. Or even because now you realize I’ve been right all along.
That I am the alpha for you, and no matter how many alphas you bond before or after me, or how you feel about them, nothing is going to change that. Period."
Joon's eyes sparkled with tears, the very end of his nose going red as he sniffed. "I thought you were never going to talk to me again. That I'd lost you."
"C'mon, butterfly?" I said, slowly rising from the floor to sit on the bed beside him before pulling Joon into my lap. The mattress dipped under our combined weight, and I smiled, kissing the corner of his mouth softly. "Like you'd get rid of me that easily."
"You... you still want to someday though, right?" the omega asked with another sniff, the first few silvery tears slipping down his cheeks.
"It's not no," I clarified, thumbing away his tears and scooting to rest my back against the headboard with Joon cuddled in my lap. "It's not right now, okay?"
The omega's face fell, sugary apple scent going alcoholic in his disappointment, but I pushed on. I needed to get this out, even if it wasn't totally comfortable.
"I need a minute, and so do you. I don't want to rush us into something that you weren't ready for a couple of days ago just because you feel guilty."
"But I was ready!" Joon argued. "I was just too fucking stupid and stubborn to realize it! Indi, you have always been my alpha—I have never scent-matched with anyone else the way I did you. Sure, I feel it with Marcus and Cameo, but you’re… It’s different!
Your kindness, your patience, and yeah, even your temper sometimes are just..
. parts of the reason I love you. Like skill trees that add up into making you the perfect alpha for the stupidest quest of your life—"
"Hey, less of the negative self-talk," I complained. “It's making it impossible to enjoy the compliments."
Joon laughed, surging forward for a heavy kiss, and for a moment, everything was okay in the world again. A feeling that lingered even after he pulled away.
"I want you, Indigo. And whenever you're ready, I'm ready. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize it. And—yeah, what you said hurt, it cut bad, but... I got it. If you bonded Eva by surprise like that, I would've probably said worse, all things considered."
"But it isn't just you that I hurt," I mumbled, thinking about Marcus.
Sure. We were friends, but we were also pack. And pack didn't purposefully try to hurt each other, no matter what was going on.
"Marcus is a big boy," Joon huffed. "He can handle a couple scrapes... But maybe talk to him, if you still feel bad. And they’re showing Screech tomorrow at that theater across from the restaurant. And I’ve already gotten the three of us tickets.
I'll make an opening for you to get a couple of minutes together so you can talk. "
"Oh," I said with a chuckle, a smirk tugging up the corner of my mouth. "You've planned this all out, have you?"
Truthfully, I was touched that he’d already been thinking about how to mend things between the three of us. Maybe a movie and a talk on neutral ground was just what the doctor ordered.
"Yep!" Joon said proudly, grinning back at me—any trace of tears a thing of the past. "Down to you being so focused on me that you left that towel of yours on the floor, alpha."
I blinked, leaning around the omega to spot the mass of damp, black terrycloth on the carpet.
He caught my face in his hands for a tender kiss that quickly transformed into more, the omega's tongue stroking along mine while I ground my hardening cock into him from below.
"I love you."
"I love you more,” I whispered, nipping his lower lip hard. "Always going to."
Joon was a lot of things—creative, thoughtful, bratty, sexy as fuck.
.. but there was something so much more important about the omega, something that I'd never question again as he slid off my lap to kiss up my thighs until he reached my cock, toying with the silvery piercing through the head with his tongue.
He was fucking mine.