Chapter 29
Chapter twenty-nine
Miguel
Lunging Idiot
"Chicago is in three weeks." I tell Laney on Saturday morning as we carry our coffees out to the terrace at Deja Brew overlooking the lake. "You qualified last weekend, so technically you don't need to compete in this one but I recommend you do."
"Why?" She asks as she takes a sip of her drink. Her blue eyes sparkling like the sun on the water in front of us.
"It'll keep your body primed for the stress of the race."
"That makes sense." We fall into a companionable silence.
This past week we’ve fallen into a routine. We train together in the mornings, I do more training for the Deca TP while she does dog walks. Then we get together for dinner. Either at my place if she’s working at Curryosity that night or I bring food to hers and we enjoy a meal with Dee.
Their friendship is special. Dee knows how to push her and how to make Laney feel like opening up was worth it.
I could probably learn a thing or two from Dee about how to navigate those moments of push and pull since I plan to be in Laney’s life for a long time.
But I’ve deflected a lot of the questions about myself and it’s starting to eat at me. Laney has been so open with me.
And I’m still hiding my past from her.
I know why, it isn’t supposed to be a secret, I simply hate the man I was. I know I’m supposed to be accepting of myself. And, I am.
I’ve accepted I don’t want anything to do with the old me.
The one addicted to a substance, to multiple substances, to escape. The one who couldn’t stand the reality of his life, felt like a disappointment, and woke up everyday to let himself, and those who loved him, down.
I’m not that man anymore.
I’m happy. Fucking happy!
And it’s more than the routines and habits I’ve established as an endurance athlete. Those gave my life structure, and purpose, but not true happiness.
No, Laney is the source. Her energy and her vibrancy is making me want more from my life.
And if the man she fell in love with is the man I am today, does she need to know who I used to be?
I’m pulled from my wondering as her phone starts buzzing. "Hi Dee, what's up?"
I watch as Laney's face morphs between shock and then confusion and settles into hesitation as her friend keeps talking. I place my hand on her thigh and when she looks at me those blue eyes are shining with tears.
"What is it, Princess?" I ask quietly.
She shakes her head but keeps her eyes locked on mine. "Okay Dee, yeah, I will, I'm with Miguel now, I'll look, or maybe have him look if you think it's that bad. Actually, can you text it to him?"
Fear and terror rip through me. What could have happened?
She ends the call with her friend and then stares at the cracks in her phone, unmoving, before slowly lifting her head to face me.
"Laney, what is going on?"
"A post online went viral." She inhales deeply and exhales. "Dee says it's like a roundup of amazing women's sports moments."
"You say it like it’s a bad thing."
"Well, it's not, probably, I dunno."
"Are you in it?"
"Dee says I am."
"For what?"
"For finishing in my socks."
I bite back my chuckle.
"Let's see." I click the link Dee texted me and hand Laney my phone. I slide my chair over so we can look at it together and I grip the back of her neck to keep her grounded.
She starts swiping.
It starts with Jo Hamilton of the US Women’s Soccer Team and her World Cup Winning Goal.
The next slide is tennis star Maggie Taylor’s consecutive 10 weeks at world number one.
Then Blair Miller who was the first woman to play in the NFL.
The ice dancer we went to see, Isla Covington, is there for her grace and perseverance to reach the top of her sport after adversity.
I give Laney’s shoulder a shake as she looks down at the picture of Isla.
"That’s your girl!"
"Yeah," she whispers, continuing under her breath, "How am I in this round up with them?"
"Because you’re amazing." I kiss her shoulder. "Keep going, I want to see what they say about you."
And then it's a picture of Laney running in her socks. The text on the image says "amateur triathlete triumphs over sole loss and weeks later runs third fastest TP in history".
Laney just stares and I stare at her as she processes.
"Holy crap."
"Yeah babe."
"I mean–" She blinks at the screen.
"I know."
"And, like…" Laney pulls her lip into her teeth.
"Yep." I smile as she looks up at me. "Are you happy about this?"
"I think so, I can’t really believe it." Her fingers lift to cover the giggles trickling out of her mouth.
"Believe it. This is huge. I mean, the TP world has been chatting about your time last weekend but this is bigger than our sport."
"Yeah." She says sort of absently as she scrolls down through the comments. I can’t read what she’s seeing from here but I watch her eyes dance along the lines of text. Suddenly her brows pull together, her chin tucks in, and her thumb stops swiping as she clearly focuses on something.
"You okay?"
"No."
The hairs on my neck stand up.
"What is it?"
"Well some guy named Stan tagged me in a comment."
Red fills the edges of my vision.
"What does it say?" I ask, my words barely above a whisper.
"Laney M is hot and her race last weekend was almost too good. Should we be asking her coach about doping? And is anyone wondering where the money for new shoes went?"
I lean back and close my eyes, cursing the world for putting me in Laney's way.
"I'll see if I can get the comment taken down." I say, as I pull the phone from her hands and stand. I don’t have the faintest idea how to do it but I’ll do anything to protect her.
"No, wait!" Laney yelps as she reaches for my arm. "What the hell is he talking about?" Her words are barely audible but they crash into me with the force of a semi truck.
"Laney, listen, you've come so far, you're killing it, but maybe I’m hurting your reputation." Her gaze feels heavy and dark as she settles it on me and I slowly open my eyes to meet hers.
I start to turn while her hand still rests along my forearm.
"How?" She demands clearly and people start to glance our way.
"Because I have a past, I have a history, and it's ugly. It's painful. And it's going to taint you."
"Why would I care? Who is this guy and why does he care?"
"Because," Fuck. I can't even say it. She's going to hate me.
"Because why, Miguel?"
"He works for EPIC Sports. He’s in charge of their endurance sports partnerships. And…I told him you weren't interested in a sponsorship deal from him." I mutter out as quietly but clearly as I can. I don't have the courage to confess this more than once.
"What?" Laney's whispered question is fraught with pain. She takes a deep breath and looks out over the lake as her hand falls from my arm. "He wanted to sponsor me?"
"No. Well, maybe. He wanted to fuck you. And he's the type of guy who would use the power he has to be your sponsor to get you into his bed."
Tears slide from the corners of Laney's eyes and I crouch down to console her. It's heartbreaking to see the pain I caused on her face. My heart cracks and crumbles but when I reach up to thumb away the moisture rolling down her cheek she bats my hand down.
"Don't touch me."
"Laney, baby…"
"Don't ‘baby’ me."
"I'm not, you just look so crushed and I can't bear it."
"You can't bear it?! Seriously? Miguel…I, I, I can't even." She stands and pushes her chair back quickly, marching off frustrated but then turns and raises a finger in my face. "You think so little of me that I would fall prey to a man using his position to influence me?"
"No, that's not what I was thinking." I was thinking she should be mine and mine alone.
"Oh, so it's just that you only wanted me to fall for you?"
"No," but I don't say it strongly. Yeah, honestly. I absolutely want Laney for myself.
"Got it. Well, you can fuck right off Miguel!” I hear her sniffle as the tears continue to flow.
"For the record, I was attracted to you the moment I first met you and have loved learning from you.
I am a stronger athlete now than I was at the start of the season and that's partly to do with you. But beyond that, you’re caring and kind and supportive and generous, and I love–"
She cuts herself short as turns and walks away. I remain frozen, praying there wasn’t a dropped past tense on that final word hanging in the air
The world crashes down around me with each of her fleeing steps.
Depths of despair pool at my feet.
Laney is the only good thing in my entire life that wasn't preceded by pain. Recovery came after the pain of addiction and a near overdose. TitaniumPerson victories came after the pain of training.
Laney came to me out of pure sunshine. She is joy and happiness and everything good I want in this world.
When I refocus and see her swinging a leg over the saddle of her bike across the lawn I take flight. I sprint towards her.
"Laney, wait!" I shout.
"Leave me alone, Miguel." She says back as she starts riding away.
I cut across the grass to where the trail will bend and I know she sees me coming. She starts to navigate to the other side of the path to avoid me so I do the only thing I can think of.
I lunge.
I end up in front of her and in slow motion I see her eyes double in size. She exclaims, and uses both brakes to come to a halt. Except, the bike tips forward and she comes forward over her handlebars.
Fuck, she could get hurt.
I brace for the impact and when she crashes into me I take the full force of both our falls. Landing hard on my ass.
Our bodies crash backwards and as the back of my head hits the grass I am grateful for the curve in the path and the fact that I didn't just pancake my brain on cement.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Laney yells as she scrambles off of me. "You could have killed yourself. Or me. Or both of us!"
"I wasn't thinking."
"No shit. You idiot." She brushes herself off.
"No, wait. I was thinking. I was thinking about you. And how I can't let you go. I can't let you walk away thinking something about me that isn't true.
"Laney, you are the light in my life. And I've been in the darkest places so I don't take this for granted. I was drawn to you the moment I saw you, too. I couldn't stay away from the chaos you left in your wake."
"Fuck off Miguel!" She says as she crosses her arms.
"Wait, no, that's a good thing. Laney," I try to stand but pain shoots up my spine.
Shit. I stay seated and plead with her from the ground.
"Listen, please. I didn't mean it like that.
I meant, that, you're, fuck Laney, you're the shake up I needed.
You're the threat to the control I have meticulously constructed and it’s exactly what I needed. "
Laney shifts her weight to the other leg and cocks her hip. Waiting for me to continue is a good sign. She hasn't written me off yet.
I haven’t driven her away with my selfishness.
How many second chances am I going to get in this life?
It might kill me to see the pain in her face when I tell her but I have to try and explain even if my body is trembling with fear. I take a breath, closing my eyes and bracing myself for the disappointment in her eyes that is bound to come.
"I struggled with substance misuse for six years." Her face falls. "It started my last year of college when I got prescription pain meds for a basketball injury and the relief was too good.
"At the time I didn’t think there was another way to feel happiness. I know now, you taught me. But back then, all I felt was the absence of pain. I was numb."
And I pray the pity, and concern, in Laney’s features is a testament to how much happiness we have been able to create together.
She sees me for how far I’ve come. She’s trying to imagine me at my lowest.
If she leaves me now I fear I’ll be headed straight back there again.
"It spiraled from there. At my lowest point I nearly overdosed but was saved because my dealer sold me short. If he hadn't skimped on four pills I wouldn't be here today. That mother fucker saved my life."
I think back on that time. I had picked them up and literally threw the whole packet in my mouth as I left his doorstep. Two hours later he texted and said he had shorted me on purpose.
"A fucking dealer with a heart of gold, he said in his text to me.
I remember reading it and barely being able to make the words out.
" I look up at Laney, "from the floor of my bathroom where my legs had given out, I called my mother and she picked me up and dropped me off at the hospital without a word. And if you knew my mother you’d know her silence is more of a punishment than any tongue lashing would be. "
"Miguel," Laney starts but then she looks away. God, I'm so ashamed. I haven't talked about that night in years. I had to at the beginning of rehab but since then I have kept it vaulted away. Part of the control mechanisms I live by.
"Stan at EPIC knows my history. When I first hit the Ultra Marathon circuit and then the TitaniumPerson races he was around and when I wouldn’t come out for a post-race beer with him one too many times he pushed and I admitted I was in recovery."
I shift again trying to reach for her, desperate to feel our connection. But this time I wince with pain.
"Are you hurt?" Laney asks as she crouches down in front of me.
"Maybe, but I need to talk to you first. I need you to hear me out."
"You idiot." She curses. "We will talk later, I need to think about all this anyway, and what better way to do it than by taking you to the hospital. Silently."