Chapter 21
W hen I wake up the next morning, there’s five new colouring books on the vanity table.
The morning light barely shines through the cloud when I walk out with merely my sleeping robe pulled on each side.
Crispy, cool wind and the smell of nature is the only way I’m making it through the next couple of weeks.
What I want is you, Nova Rivera.
A shiver trickles up my spine at the memory. I rub a hand over my neck like I can still feel him.
Hard, commanding, yet gentle.
I thought I knew the man I’ve been calling my client for years, but here, in the wild, I don’t know him at all. I’m on edge and unsure. Is this the real him or the one behind the giant desk him?
Slipping out of my slippers, I walk down the balcony stairs and onto the backyard.
The grass is smooth beneath the soles of my feet. A bit damp, too.
Beneath the wooden bridge, the ravine is running with bright blue water. The rush of it crashing against the sides of the rocky mountain as it unites with the lake from last night.
Gabriel’s back comes into view. He holds a log of wood over his shoulder.
Then, another figure comes into vision.
A strong, masculine, and familiar shirtless version.
Dean’s head tilts back, and his mouth’s widely curved as if he’s…
I almost trip.
Marvelous.
My heart stutters, malfunctions, and automatically destructs within the constraints of my chest. I’ve never seen Dean Vuk laugh or smile a day in my life and I’m jealous that it isn’t me making him laugh.
Now, should I possibly try to understand why I’m feeling this way? Yes, but I’m choosing to take the high road and ignore it.
The more I delay saying hi, the worse it’ll be for me because I’m standing here gawking like a stalker. Just as I open my mouth, a small bellow erupts near my thigh.
The two men turn at the sound.
“Hey Nova,” Gabriel waves. “Didn’t expect to see you for at least another hour.”
Damn you, Lottie. I still love you, though.
Unfortunately Dean stops laughing, but there’s still a subtle tilt to his lips that I cannot seem to look away from. “Hi, lovebird.”
My heart jilts .
I bend down to give precious Lottie a couple of rubs.
Quietly, “Hi, ogre.” I glance at the barn when I say, “Guess you couldn’t stay away.” Then look back at him.
Huge mistake.
Dean’s eyes glimmer a shade darker than their usual emerald. “Guess I couldn’t. ”
He’s not talking about the barn.
Gabriel looks between us. “Kind of hoping you two end up together.”
Save me from the humiliation, I’m blushing over being with Dean Vuk right now.
“That’s what I’m hoping too,” I think Dean says.
But I’m not sure considering he looks like he struggled to get the words out of his mouth and I’m too far to hear him clearly.
Now. I’m wondering if I misunderstood Dean being here. Maybe he did come for love.
And found me instead.
“Dean, you can put those near Jojo’s shed.”
Gabriel plops the wood down. He then turns back to look at me and smiles warmly when he stares at Lottie. “Now that I know you’re here, I’m gonna go make breakfast for my wife now.” Gabriel squeezes Dean’s shoulder before heading off into the opposite direction.
Lottie follows as I move near the edge of the mountain, soaking in the view.
Taking my phone out, I look at the book I attempted reading last night but ended up looking at the pictures of the birds instead. Every picture of the colourful parrots are usually of them in pairs, their beaks creating a heart- ish shape together. That’s why they’re called lovebirds.
Criss-crossed, eyes closed, I take a deep breath that turns my heart into a galloping mess when Dean lowers himself next to me.
At night, he’s devastating.
In the light, he’s a havoc to my soul. Something tells me if I truly open myself up to Dean, I’ll be headed into new, dangerous territory.
Reminder to self, I’m not built for new things.
Unless it comes in the shape of Dean Vuk.
He should’ve washed the colours off last night. They’re still there. Disoriented, mismatched, and out of the lines .
I’m stuck between wanting to rub it off and grabbing his arm to finish it.
“Thank you for the colouring books,” I say while tucking my legs close to my chest. When did he even get them?
Wind gently caresses over us.
Dean turns to look at me the second I rest my cheek on my knees. “You’re welcome.”
Wind chimes ring somewhere in the distance.
A strand of hair falls over Dean’s forehead.
Dean looks at me through hooded eyes. Before I know it, I’m tucking his hair back.
I touched him.
Swallowing hard, I drop my hand. I don’t know why I did that. “Why haven’t you told your brothers you’re here?.” Lottie huddles closer towards me, a quiet snore. Dampening my thigh with heat.
I don’t expect him to answer.
Dean’s quiet is tense. “It’s easier than telling them the truth.”
“Just like it’s easier avoiding conversation?” I return to a sitting position and look at him. We know I’m talking about last night. He may have had the last word but he’s also the one who left off without letting me talk.
“I’m not avoiding conversation.”
“Then let’s talk about last night.”
“What about it?” His eyes slightly narrow.
“There’s nothing to be defensive about, Dean.
” I replicate our position from last night.
“You said some things that left me confused and I spent all night thinking about them. I need you to tell me why you decided now was the right time.” My mind is spinning, not because of confusion but because I have many questions to ask.
“You left a date to comfort me, why? And what do you mean use you? ”
“You done?” There’s a rift of humour slipping through.
I swallow my frustration. How can I not when he’s staring at me like that ? All gentle and soft and somewhat smiley.
Dragging my teeth over my bottom lip, “I can keep going.”
“I have no doubt,” he mumbles, eyes on my mouth.
“You’re here to find love,” it’s not a question but I nod nonetheless even though it couldn’t be further from the truth.
“And I came here to find…” He trails off and I’m fully expecting him to say love, but his brows pinch together, and his gaze takes on a softness I can’t understand because I’ve only seen it once and it’s the way Easton looks at Nadine.
I wrap my arms around myself. “To find what?”
“Love,” his voice cracks at the end. There’s an unwanted touch to it, but it’s only because no one tries to speak to them about their internal selves.
I was right. But what Dean doesn’t know is if he thinks love is with me, then he’s wrong. I don’t… I can’t… don’t have the privilege of feelings like that.
I glance away, feeling the heaviness of his words. “Katarina’s a good woman,” I say with faux confidence. “She can make you happy.”
“I didn’t ask,” he grumbles.
“And Rhys is a good man.”
“He pours milk before his cereal,” he grumbles.
I almost smile at that. “If you don’t tell me why you confessed, then I’m going to act like those feelings don’t exist.” My face sobers. “I’ve spent my life catering to everyone else’s feelings without knowing them. I’m not willing to do that for you unless you’re ready to share.”
How do you expect me to accept someone when they won’t break their feelings down for me? I’m a visual learner and there’s nothing visual about love.
Silence .
“I thought so.” I run a hand behind Lottie’s ear to wake her up. When she does, she stares with those long doe-eyes.
Somehow, despite that. I’m willing to… try.
“I’ve never thought of you in any way other than as a client,” Lottie moves to Dean. I stand up.
My robe falls open at the tiniest swish of air. “But I’ve suddenly become aware of you, Dean Vuk.”
His hands are there before mine are. Warm fingers brush against my calves, pulling the ends of the fabric together.
He looks up. Those green eyes of his, vulnerable in the daylight. Dusk pours into his hair and it takes a lot of self-preservation not running my fingers through them.
“ Just ,” it comes out gravelly and desperate as he grips the material of my robe. “Give me some time.”
On a random Sunday, three years after knowing Dean Vuk, I’m beginning to question the reason I never dated or cared for love is because he existed.
“Okay, but I’d still like to get to you.” I nod. “I can’t replicate your feelings, but I want to learn them. I want to spend more time with you, Dean.”
In a low, deep voice, “I’d like that.”
“Don’t get your hopes up,” I say. “I won’t promise love because I’m not sure I can feel it, but I can try to make this experience for you worth it.”
“What makes you say you can’t feel love?” Dean holds me still with a single glance.
I avert my gaze. “Love isn’t mundane. It’s this big feeling reserved for people who know what it is and what to do with it. Me?” I chuckle without humour. “I couldn’t spot love even if it hit me in the face.”
“You said you don’t feel it, then how would you know? ”
“That’s how I know,” impatience pressures between us. “Because love doesn’t exist in my ordinary. Dean, I don’t have the right tools for it. Plus, feelings like that always have an expiry date.”
Dean brushes his fingers against mine, toying with my limbs.
“Love isn’t big or grand, Nova. It’s a seed.
Sometimes it takes a couple of days to show, other times, it takes weeks.
Depending on the person and their fate, their peak season is later.
But that doesn’t mean it isn’t growing. You just can’t see it. ”
I gasp when Dean pulls me onto his lap. He guides my hand against the grass.
“When you put your hand against the soil, you can feel it.” He asks. “A heavy heartbeat despite nothing being there.”
I keep my eyes on his fingers in between mine.
“That’s what love is.” He curves his fingers to hold my hand.
He’s too much all at once. “I?—”