Chapter 19
I shouldn’t have pushed it. I shouldn’t have liked it either.
But I did.
It should have felt like a victory, the whole day, not just the sex, yet I was in some warped alternate reality, and I couldn’t find the surface. Damn, I didn’t even want to.
We snuck in, fixed Frankie’s door, her stairs, her porch light, the rack in her bathroom, and a hundred other little things that needed attention. And then we gave her the attention that she needed.
Actually, we wrecked her in the best kind of way, laid out on the couch like a goddamn offering, and we both showed her just how not alone she was anymore.
And then she invited us to stay for dinner with her and the kids. It was the first step of hopefully many towards proving to them that we were here to stay too.
But now?
Now Eli wouldn’t look me in the eye.
The kids had come bursting through the door half an hour ago, backpacks slung sideways, Emmie was yelling about wanting a granola bar, and Toby was holding a hand-drawn picture of a dinosaur wearing a tutu.
Frankie kissed them both, asking about their day with that sweet, dedicated energy that made her mom of the year even on the edge of burnout.
And the best part was, neither of them hardly even blinked twice about us being in their home.
They rolled with it as if it were totally normal.
Maybe even excited to have us. Emmie was for sure, throwing down hockey stats from the games she watched this week. Even Toby was instantly climbing on my shoulders like his very own jungle gym in the middle of his living room. And I liked it.
I craved the feeling of being wanted by them, in their space, in their life.
But Eli? He’d vanished into the kitchen shortly after they settled down to do homework.
And me?
I silently watched from a distance as he gripped the edge of the counter like it might hold him together the second he thought he was out of view.
I should have known something like this would happen, I should have expected it, even. He was my best friend, not my fucking experiment.
But something about that moment earlier—both of us with her, touching her, pleasing her—had cracked something open inside of me I hadn’t even known was sealed.
And then he touched me.
Just a graze at first. Fingertips. That was it.
It wasn’t accidental, like mine had been at first. To be honest, mine hadn’t stayed accidental for long.
And it had been hot as hell.
And I’d liked it. God help me, I fucking liked it.
Not in a sexual way—I didn’t think. But in a connection way.
A deep-rooted sense of linking between us as she cried our names.
But he hadn’t said a word since.
Not about her. Not about us. Not about the fact that our friendship had turned into something blurred and raw, and he was looking at me now like he wasn’t sure if I was going to swing on him, or hug him.
Somehow, he managed to continue avoiding me, and I could accept that. I could accept his cold shoulder, as long as he didn’t give Frankie or the kids one.
Which he didn’t. But what they didn’t see was what it was costing him to keep up the act. Which gutted me.
I was chopping bell peppers in the kitchen when he finally passed behind me, grabbing the skillet off the stovetop.
“Need to find the oil,” He muttered.
I nodded, trying to keep it casual. “Cabinet above the microwave.”
He didn’t answer.
He didn’t touch me either as he leaned around me to get it. I could tell he was intentionally trying to avoid it too.
And I felt that shit like a vacuum in my chest.
Frankie walked in a second later, barefoot, wearing an oversized hoodie and shorts that hugged her ass like a pair of hands. She looked domesticated, and happy. Almost like she belonged there in the doorway with a soft smile on her face. Like we all did.
“Dinner smells amazing,” she said, pulling her hair up into a messy bun and blocking a grinning Emmie from the doorway as she once again tried to sneak in for a snack.
“Toby asked if you two were moving in.” She said when Emmie left, leaning her shoulder on the doorway and crossing her arms and ankle.
She was so at ease, and it calmed something inside my chest.
I laughed, or at least I tried to. “He told me I take up too much space on the couch.”
She chuckled, glancing over her shoulder at her son. “If you keep playing trucks and dinos with him, he might start packing your stuff for you.”
Eli gave a tight smile but didn’t say anything.
I looked at him.
He looked at the food.
The kids were fed, their homework was done, and thanks to Frankie’s smarts and Eli’s diligence, Emmie even managed to complete the next two days’ worth of math problems that were troubling her.
They had baths and were upstairs getting ready to go to sleep, with Frankie running command from the landing between their bedrooms.
So, I took my opportunity when it presented itself and followed Eli out onto the back porch.
He glanced over at me as I stepped out after him and sighed, annoyed.
Handing him a beer I grabbed for us, I hoped he’d at least take it and stick around long enough for me to figure out how to fix what was wrong.
“You mad at me?” I asked, leaning back against the railing.
He glanced up at me and held my stare for a second with a scowl before dropping it and cracking the top of his can. “No.”
“You’ve been avoiding my eyes since before the mac and cheese hit the oven.”
He sighed again, long and rough, and leaned against the railing next to me, looking out over the dark yard. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
“That makes two of us.”
He glanced at me again, and I held his stare, unwavering. “I touched you.” His voice sounded haunted, and the fear in his eyes was noticeable enough that I couldn’t ignore it.
I swallowed, “I know.”
“And you didn’t stop me.”
“No,” I said quietly, taking a sip of my beer, trying to figure out how to tell him what I was feeling.
Communicating wasn’t my strongest skill, but it had never been a problem with Eli before.
And the idea of something breaking the open honesty we’d always shared, scared the shit out of me.
So, I had to give it if I wanted to get it in return. “Because I didn’t want to.”
Eli’s throat worked around a dozen unsaid things as he stared at me. “You were pissed afterward.” He accused, looking away again. “I saw it in your eyes when we were done.”
“You’re wrong.” I held fast, turning to face him. “I was fucked up about it.”
“I read it wrong,” He deflected. “Things before that. I messed it up.”
“What things?” I asked, urging for more insight into his brain.
But he shook his head and stayed silent.
“You mean the way I was taking her?” I pushed, “Against you. Using you at the same time to please her. Because that was intentional, Eli.”
He whipped his head my way angrily, “No, dude. Because I was fucking enjoying it too!”
There it was.
I grabbed the back of his neck, holding him still because he looked like he was ready to bolt the second the words left his mouth. “So was I.”
“Fuck.” He groaned, pulling away from me and crossing the deck. “You don’t get what I’m saying!”
“Then say it clearer!” I barked back, on edge and hoping he’d spit it out before Frankie returned. We had to get our heads on straight before she thought any of this was because of her
“I could feel you!” He hissed, taking a step back toward me like he wasn’t even aware of it. “Through her. Against me. Your dick.” He clenched his jaw, “Your sack on mine, man.”
“And?” I scoffed.
“And I got hard from it!” He snapped.
It all started making sense, and my shoulders deflated. I leaned back against the railing as he paced, avoiding my gaze completely. And I let him, as I articulated all of my feelings in my head before I started.
I couldn’t fuck this up with him. He deserved for me to get it right.
So did Frankie.
“You weren’t the only one who liked it, Eli.
” I said evenly, but he still didn’t stop moving.
“I pushed into her body, knowing parts of us were going to be touching. But I didn’t care, because Frankie was the focus.
” Reaching out, I grabbed his arm and forced him to stop.
“I wouldn’t have been into it if she wasn’t there.
But she was, and I felt so goddamn connected to both of you in that moment I didn’t care! And neither should you!”
“I’m not gay!” He cursed, glaring at me. “And neither are you!”
“I know that.” I let go, and he didn’t take off, “That’s what this is about though, isn’t it?
” Instantly, I remembered the rumors that flew around our town when Eli got out of the firefighter academy.
“They said you were too pretty to be straight. People you’d known your whole life, made jokes and picked on you about it.
Like it would matter even if you weren’t. ”
Finally, I could read him again clearly. I could read his fear.
All those years ago, the rumors had been mostly just ball busting from guys, but some of them seemed to hit Eli harder than others. It was also the same time he went on a man-whore bender, fucking any chick within ten miles like he was trying to prove something to them.
To himself.
“I’m not gay.” He repeated, “I’m not even bi. I’m not into guys.”
“I know that.” I reiterated, “I’m not either.
But we’re best friends, Eli. We’re on a tricky road right now, dating the same woman.
Focusing on working together and making her happy.
Maybe that’s why it felt so powerful. But either way, I felt it too.
And I’m not at all stressed about what it means, other than I want to do it again. Because we all fucking liked it.”
He dropped his shoulders and thought it over before finally replying, “So what do we do now?”
I looked through the sliding glass door and saw Frankie picking up some toys off the coffee table.
“We go inside. We continue to lead with our hearts, and keep open lines of communication along the way.” I held my hand out to him as a form of an olive branch.
“We talk through what we’re thinking, in real time, and work through it. ”
He scoffed, though it felt forced, but I could tell he was trying to relax into what I was offering him. “You sound very mature all of a sudden,” He took my hand and shook it, but didn’t release it right away. “You’re good for her.”
That felt like a gut punch because I could feel the words he wasn’t saying after it. “And so are you.” I forced him to hold my stare. “We’re both good for each other too, so don’t even think about walking away now. I won’t let you. We keep showing up for her. And them. Maybe for each other, too.”
He pushed me and took a sip of his beer, “As if I’d let you have her all to yourself,” He smirked, looking past me to where Frankie was inside. “I’m kind of obsessed.”
“Same,” I turned and watched her brush her hair off her face and then look for us, finding us both in the window. “Fucking obsessed.”