Chapter Ten
RAYNE
I watched as Shay ran out of the group therapy session when it ended. Instead of running after her, I decided to give her a little bit of time to herself. Leonora was a patient when I first started here, and I thought bringing her in to share her story would be helpful to Shay and other patients.
Her story partially mirrors Shay’s, and I hope that someday Shay can look at her past and see how much she has grown. She has already grown, even in the short week we’ve been together. When I first met her, she wouldn’t even look me in the eye or speak to me.
Now, she’s comfortable enough to share a little of what is on her mind.
However, I feel like she’s done that because I haven’t punished her yet.
I don’t want to punish her, though. I want to ground her.
I want to show her that she can trust someone not to take advantage of her or hurt her for their own pleasure.
She’s not as delicate as I once thought, so I won’t hold back from now on. If she had come to our therapy room this morning, I would have warned her about the session, and we would have had time to work on today’s lesson.
Physical restraint. It’s not a sexual session. I want to see how she reacts; if she is afraid or has trauma surrounding being restrained. I want to talk and walk her through it, and see it as a trust exercise.
Leonora speaks to a few patients who went up to thank her for her time, then she spots me and walks towards me.
“Rayne!” She gives me a big hug. “It’s so nice to see you again. Thank you for inviting me here today. I—hope it was helpful.”
“Yes, it was. Thank you for your time and for sharing your story. I’m sure lots of patients here today found your story to be helpful. I have a bit of a difficult patient that I hope to help by the time they leave.”
“Oh, I know you will. You have always been a great listener. They’re very lucky to have you as a trainer.
” She grabs my hand and holds it tightly.
It’s comforting, but she’s not the person I want to touch.
As much as I want to hold Shay, stroke her hair as she sleeps, and comfort her, I need to maintain professionalism and not cross boundaries.
“Thanks again, Leonora. I wish you all the best, and feel free to reach out anytime. The Institute can always use your help.” I give her a quick hug, walk out of the conference room, and head to Shay’s room.
She seemed overwhelmed; the talk of freedom, rules, and trust was probably too much for her. That’s ok—she needed to hear it. She needed to know that there are others out there just like her, and they are doing just fine.
I knock on her door, and there is no answer, but when I put my ear to the door, I hear soft sobs coming from the other side. Damn. I hate seeing her cry, and knowing it was my own doing makes my heart hurt worse.
I know I need to break her in order to help her find herself, but it just might break me apart instead.
“Should… I take my clothes off?” Shay asks curiously.
“You can do whatever makes you most comfortable. I’m good with either.” I’m secretly hoping she removes some of her clothing, but I won’t pressure her to.
I’ve planned on only using soft cuffs with her this time; maybe move on to rope after I see how she reacts. The fact that she’s asking if I would like her to remove her clothes tells me that she’s done this before.
She nods and sits down on the couch after removing her top. My breath catches in my throat for a moment. “Are you comfortable?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Face the window and put your hands behind your back.” I sit beside her, but I haven't made contact yet.
Every move I make will be thoroughly communicated with her.
I choose to have her face the window so she feels more comfortable not needing to make eye contact.
Next time, it will be different. I want to look into her eyes as I give her commands.
Her shoulders are tense, her breathing is quick: she’s nervous.
I am too. After I walked into her room and saw her tear-soaked face, the only thing I wanted to do was hold her and tell her she would be ok.
I stopped myself though, because it’s not my job to make everything ok for her.
She needs to learn to regulate her own emotions and work through them.
“May I bind your wrists? I have soft cuffs we are going to use this session. You won’t be restrained tightly, just snug enough so you feel them. Is that okay?”
“Yes,” she breathes. Her shoulders relax slightly, and I wrap her left wrist first, then move to the other. I brush up against her open hand with my fingertips, and she wraps her fingers around mine. Not tight, but her body starts to relax even more with my contact.
“You’re doing really well, Shay. Tell me how you feel,” I say softly.
“Calm.”
“Why were you crying after the seminar?” I watched her shoulders flinch; I struck a nerve.
“Because I was jealous,” her voice is lifeless, and I can’t see the expression on her face.
“Jealous of what?”
“She enjoys being free. She knows what she wants out of life. I don’t, and I don’t ever think I will.” Her breathing picks up again.
Leonora. The session earlier is still fresh in her mind. Good. I’m glad it had an impact, and I hope she can learn from it someday.
“We all have freedom in some way. It’s okay to give that to someone temporarily, but only if they've earned it and will return your freedom. Do you understand?”
“N-no,” her voice trembles; she turns her head towards me, but she can’t see me.
“Can you hold my hand?” I look down and see her hands are both open, inviting me to hold them, to caress them.
I grab hold of her left hand and hold it between both of mine.
They’re so small and delicate. I could hold one of her hands entirely within one of mine.
She sighs deeply while throwing her head back. She’s starved for human contact; any kind of touch and connection. And I’m the only person around she can trust. I use my free hand and brush her hair over her shoulder. Her back looks so smooth I want to run my fingers down her spine, but I hold back.
“What were your sessions with Arin like, Shay?” I need to know, even if I don’t like the answer.
“Nothing like this,” she whispered. “He was rigid, precise, and unforgiving. It took me a long time to learn what he liked and to do everything perfectly for him.”
“Do you think that is right?”
“I didn’t know any better, so I tried my best to make him happy in any way that I could. I gave him every piece of me, and I feel like it still wasn’t enough.”
I swallow down the lump forming in my throat. “Are you comfortable in this position?”
“I want to lie on the couch. Please?” Her normal voice is back, almost like a childlike plea.
“I’m going to help you lie on your side, ok?” She nods before I place my hands on her hips and move her onto the couch. Then I gently guide her onto her side, and she lays her head on my thigh. My body responds immediately, and I quickly adjust myself before she notices.
This is not supposed to be sexual in any way.
It’s a trust exercise, but I just can’t help it.
Shay curls up in the fetal position and closes her eyes as I brush her curly hair away from her face.
A small, satisfied smile curls on her lips as I stroke her soft hair and place my other hand on her waist.
“How are you feeling now, Shay?” I whisper.
“Safe. Sleepy.”
“Good girl,” is all I can manage to choke out before my voice breaks. How can something so simple make her feel so safe? She barely knows me, and this is the most relaxed I’ve ever seen her. This is only the beginning. I’m going to show her how she should have been treated all of these years.