Chapter Fifteen
SHAY
While I was having breakfast alone, I recognized a man who was once Arin’s lawyer walking through the dining area and out the front door.
Why was he here? I wasn’t aware that he was going to be here today, but then I remembered when I was in the hospital that lawyers were going to contact me soon about Arin’s will.
After I saw the look on Rayne’s face, I had to run away.
I saw disappointment, hurt, and distrust. I ran to my room and jumped into bed to cry.
There are so many thoughts and feelings that are overwhelming me right now.
Something about the way he looked at me told me that something was terribly wrong.
I don’t care how much money Arin did or didn’t leave me; I only want to know that after I’m finished here, I can start my life fresh again, even if it scares me.
I never want to hurt or disappoint Rayne—not after the night we shared.
He let me be free in ways I never could have imagined.
For the first time, I wasn’t an owned possession, but I was a person with a voice.
I wasn’t afraid of doing something wrong or upsetting him.
He let me take control of my own pleasure, and I want to do that again with him.
Even though I slept comfortably all night next to Rayne, my eyes grew heavy after crying, and I slowly drifted away to sleep.
“Shay…”
That ethereal voice, which somehow sounds like Arin, wakes me in a dream.
I’m back in my room at the mansion, but everything seems different.
The walls are painted gray; the floors are red.
The surrounding air is hazy. I don’t feel afraid like I did the day I found him.
I’m not afraid to leave my room or search the mansion.
“Shay…”
The door opens slowly, but I cannot see what is beyond it.
I walk towards the open door and into the darkness; an unknown force is driving me forward through the dark.
I find myself in the hallway, but just like my room, it’s different from what it used to be.
It’s lifeless and cold. The door to the bathroom is farther than I remember as I walk down the hallway; I feel like I’ve walked a mile before I finally reach the bathroom.
The door is shut; a bright light glows around it. I want to reach the handle and open the door, but my arms won’t move—something is holding me back, and I don’t know why. I can’t will my body to move from this very spot because I know what lies beyond that door. Death. Despair. The truth.
“Shay…”
My body is frozen in place as the door opens on its own, revealing the last place I remember being in before the hospital.
Unlike my bedroom or the hallway, the bathroom is as beautiful as it always was.
Full of color, with bright walls and elegance.
Instead of seeing Arin lying lifeless on the floor, he is standing at the vanity in front of the mirror—adjusting his hair, straightening his tie, just how he used to always do.
I’m standing outside the bathroom observing him—like viewing from a double-sided mirror, and he does not know I’m even here.
He breathes in and out deeply before gripping the edges of the vanity.
I watch as he splashes water over his flushed face, and he removes his tie, undoing some buttons on his shirt as well.
I’m confused and unsure of what is happening to him.
It wasn’t until his breaths became short and fast, his hand clutching his chest, that I realized something was terribly wrong.
He was in pain; his skin was paling every second I watched.
I can’t move, scream, or cry. My mind is telling me to save him, to do something—anything- but I can’t.
I watch as he falls to his knees and crawls to the tub; he lies on his back and takes one final breath.
This is it. This is how I found him. Eyes open—lifeless—skin pale and frozen in time. No matter how much I want to run to him, hold him, and tell him how much I love him, I can’t. The dream fades away as soon as I realize something: it wasn’t my fault. He didn’t kill himself to get away from me.
I wake with a start; my face and pillow are soaked with tears, and the only thing I can do is start screaming.
Agonizing, gut-wrenching screams escape my lips, and this is the first time since I found him I’ve released my true feelings.
I don’t even hear the door open when I feel warm, muscular arms wrap around me and hold me tight.
My mind can’t think straight for a moment, and I think it’s Arin holding me again, but then I recognize the smell of cologne.
Rayne.
“It wasn’t my fault! It wasn’t my fault!” I repeat against his chest.
“Shay, it’s okay, baby girl, just breathe.” He whispered into my ear, but he didn’t understand. He’ll never understand what happened, or how I feel. How could he?
RAYNE
Shay was trembling and sobbing in my arms; the only thing I knew to do was to hold her tight against me.
I don’t understand what she’s talking about right now, especially since I didn’t mention anything that was discussed with the lawyer this morning.
Knowing I wouldn’t get anything out of her right now, I pick her up and carry her to our therapy room—she can calm down there. She always seems calmer in there.
I sat down on the couch with her on my lap.
Her trembling has subsided some, but she’s still crying and saying, ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ over and over again.
The manila envelope sitting on the table in front of us is staring at me—I couldn’t find anyone to speak to after bumping into Shay, so I came here for a little while to calm down and go through the documents.
There were pages in there that needed Shay’s signature, but there was something else.
Something that would be incredibly important to her… if she wanted to read it.
Arin left her a letter. I didn’t read it because it felt like an invasion of her privacy.
Even though she is my patient, I would not rob her of the chance to read it herself and hopefully heal from it.
Now, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that the letter may contain things that would hurt her instead.
“Shay…Shay sweetheart, what happened? What’s wrong?” I whispered in her ear. My lips pressed against her head, and I smelled her hair. She smells of vanilla—so warm and inviting. I loved burying my head in her neck and smelling her last night.
“I…I saw him!” She wails, the sound like daggers going through my heart. She means the lawyer.
“I’m sorry, Shay. I didn’t tell you he was coming because I wanted to protect you. I’m so sorry,” I say wholeheartedly. The last thing I wanted to do was this.
“No! You. Don’t. Understand.” She hiccups and chokes on her words. “I saw HIM! He’s in my dreams!”
Arin.
Of course. Jesus, how could I be so stupid? I never asked her how she was sleeping, or if she was dreaming of him. How could she not? Now the bastard is haunting her dreams to the point of causing a breakdown.
“He died…right in front of me. He—he was on the floor and stopped breathing. Just like when I found him.” She pulls her face away from my shoulder; her skin flushed.
The hair around her face is stuck to her.
“I—I saw him. He showed me what happened. I don’t know how…
but it wasn’t my fault.” She steadies her words, and while the tears keep flowing down her cheeks, her breathing slows down.
Now it makes sense. No one here insinuated that he killed himself; I think deep down she always knew that, but somehow felt at fault for him being gone and angry that he left her alone. Her mind created the scenario to help her cope with the guilt and anger she felt towards him.
“It’s okay, baby girl, your mind is helping you heal. You’re right, it wasn’t your fault. He had a heart attack, and no one could have saved him, unfortunately. You did nothing wrong.”
Her beautiful eyes widened. “How did you know that?”
“His lawyer told me. It wasn’t suicide; it was a medical emergency. Did he ever tell you he had heart issues?”
Shay continues to calm down as she thinks. “No—he never told me anything like that. I remember one time during a session he had a hard time breathing—his skin was clammy and cold, but it passed.”
“I’m sorry. That sounds like he’s had heart issues in the past. It’s not your fault you didn’t know.
He should have shared that with you.” I brush the hair off her face so that I can see her better.
“Sharing something like that can be difficult, though. Especially for a man. It can show weakness when we always want to be strong and capable.” She nods her head in understanding.
“Shay. Can you be honest about something?”
“I’ve been honest about everything…” Her bottom lip trembles and her voice quivers.
“Were you and Arin married? Do you remember signing anything like a marriage license?” My heart pounds fast in my chest; I’m sure she can feel it too.
“What? No! I told you that already!” Her voice is a mix of anger and frustration.
Instead of arguing with her, I lean forward and grab the envelope her lawyer left with me.
It has all the information, and it’s now or never.
She already knows I met with him, so there’s no sense in hiding this information.
She is in the safest place to receive and process all of this.
“This is what your lawyer gave me. I wanted to wait for a better time to show you everything, but I know you can handle what is in this.” I laid it down on her lap, and she glared at it. Her mouth was open, but nothing came out. “Would you like me to give you some time alone?”
“Can you stay, please? I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“I can stay, Shay. I’ll do whatever you want.” Her arms wrap around my neck, and she rests her head on my shoulder. I bring her close to me and hold her tight.
“Thank you, Daddy,” she whispered, and my heart skipped a beat. Hearing her call me that made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Wanted.
Needed.
Loved.