Chapter Twenty-Five
Phoebe
Ijust stabbed my ex-boyfriend. And I’m pretty sure he’s dead.
But I don’t feel as guilty as I think I should. I don’t really feel that guilty at all.
Capone assures Queenie that this will be taken care of, and I don’t want to know what that means. The rivalry between the two clubs is much too complicated to fully understand, and I have more than enough to deal with right now.
“I’m sorry, baby,” Tucker says, pulling me onto his lap in the office. “I didn’t plan to be gone this long.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “I’m glad I came. And I’m glad I met Queenie. It kind of helps.”
“I can’t believe you were jealous.”
Pulling back, I narrow my eyes. “Are you serious?”
“You have nothing to be jealous of.”
I jump up and stand in front of the desk. Motioning in front of my body, I outline an exaggerated shape of Queenie’s body to showcase the insecurities, especially after meeting her.
“Yeah, she has fake tits and ass. So what?” he asks.
“You could suffocate in them!” I exclaim.
He tilts his head. “You know, you’re so adorable when you’re jealous.”
“I’m not trying to be adorable!” I cry. “I want to be sexy. And sensual. And I blame God for making me tall and thin, not petite and curvy.”
“I love your figure,” Tucker says. “I love how your nipples pebble in my palm when you’re turned on, and I love how you moan and move beneath me. The way you taste is the greatest flavor in the entire fucking world, and you’re the only person who knows everything about me.”
Okay, he has a point there. He has shared things with me that he didn’t with Queenie. She confirmed that.
Just as I’m about to respond with something I haven’t quite formulated yet, Tucker’s phone rings.
“Zep? Woah, calm down, what’s going on?” Tucker asks.
I don’t know Zep that well, but I work with Misty. And I know she’s pregnant.
“Is she okay? Do you need… Okay. Yeah. We’ll be right there.”
“What’s going on?” I ask.
He stands and takes my hand. “We gotta head to Zep’s house. Something’s wrong with Misty, and she’s worried about the baby. Jolene’s in Griffin’s Beach, and they need someone to stay with Bernie in case she wakes up.”
“Let’s go!”
This isn’t the night I envisioned at all, but I’m glad to have some quiet time alone with Tucker. I lay on his chest on Misty and Zep’s couch in the dark.
“I hope everything’s okay.”
“I hope so, too,” he says.
The pregnancy wasn’t planned from what I’ve gathered, but after meeting Bernie and seeing Misty and Zep together, they seem like perfect parents. The type who deserve a big, happy family.
“Can I ask you something without making you angry?” I ask.
“It would take a lot to make me mad at you, Yellow Crayon.”
Running his fingers through my hair seems to be his favorite thing to do when we’re together and not naked. “It’s about Queenie.”
He tenses beneath me, and I know he’s getting sick of my jealousy. “What about her?”
“Do you wear… condoms… with her?”
“What?”
Leaning up, I look at his face, making out the scar on his cheek in the moonlight. “You’ve never worn one with me. I saw the basket at the brothel, but you were really only with her, so—”
“Every time,” he says. “The only person I’ve gone without one with is you. And Jo.”
That makes me feel better, and I settle back down. “Okay.”
“Do you think you might be pregnant?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m not. I… no. No.”
“But you were worried about whether I was putting you at risk?”
“I know you wouldn’t, but I’m not as experienced as you. It was just a question.”
He sighs, and I worry I’ve ruined the happy little bubble we’re in. Maybe anger wasn’t what I should be worried about. He seems disappointed instead.
“I’m not a saint,” he admits. “I made my way through quite a few women before I got sick of the emotional backlash. Most couldn’t handle that it was only a night or two at most. But I’ve always been careful.”
“Is it weird that I feel kind of special?”
Chuckling, he kisses the top of my head. “You are, Yellow Crayon. Believe me.”
“You’re the first person who has ever made it sound endearing. Most people wanted to change me. Told me I was annoying or too much for being so different.”
“Never,” he whispers. “But you’re sure you’re not worried about being pregnant? I can start covering my shit if you want.”
“It’s just you and me, right? So I’m fine.”
His fingers massage my scalp, and I just relish the silent comfortability between us. I’ve never found someone I can just be with.
“Do you want kids someday, Phoebe?”
Well, shit. I knew I should’ve kept my mouth shut. This was bound to come up sooner or later. “No.”
“No?”
I’m glad we’re in the dark so there’s not the option to look into his eyes. “I actually, uh, got my tubes tied. I had a pretty bad panic attack when I missed my period with one of my exes, so my therapist suggested it.”
“She referred you because of a panic attack?”
“I almost had to be admitted to the hospital. It honestly felt like a heart attack. Like I was dying. But it’s non-negotiable for me. I’ve just seen too much bad to feel comfortable bringing a child into the world.”
His right hand takes my left and interlocks our fingers. “I’m in agreement.”
“You are?”
“I’d actually been planning to get snipped before you came into my life as an extra precaution, but it wasn’t urgent. Then I thought you might be adamant you wanted one or two, and I’d have considered it. For you.”
My heart flutters. For a man who says he can’t love, this sounds pretty lovey. “You would have?”
“Yep.”
“And if I was pregnant?”
He chuckles. “We would’ve figured it out. We’re a team now, baby. You and me, we’re doing this. What you want, I want. I’m just glad we’re on the same page.”
Relief fills me, and I kiss his chest. “I love kids. And I really like Bernie. I just... I kind of feel like I’m cursed. No need to risk it.”
“You’ve been through a lot.”
“And I’m kind of scared of what it would do to me.”
“What do you mean?”
Tears sting my eyes, and I wipe at them before they can fall and dampen his T-shirt. “There are so many things in life that make me wish I had my mom around to help with. And if I had a baby, I would need her with me, but she can’t be. Missing her tends to send me into my madness.”
“You know you’re allowed to spiral sometimes, right?”
“But what if I get stuck there?” I whisper.
It’s become a very real possibility lately, and it scares the hell out of me.
“Then I’ll be there to help pull you out.”
“You’re one of the only things that reminds me there’s still good in my world. That I’m deserving of the good.”
Laughing, he bumps our hands against his chest. “Me? Good?”
“I know you don’t see it, but you are good. In your soul. I know it. I feel it.”
“You’re not looking hard enough.”
“You short yourself too much,” I whisper. “But that’s what makes us work so well. We complement each other.”
“I like that you see me this way, Yellow Crayon.”
The front door opens, and Zep turns on the lights. Misty walks in with red eyes, and I jump off Tucker.
“What happened?” Tucker asks Zep, pulling himself up off the couch.
“She, uh, has preeclampsia and something with the placenta,” Zep says, his voice unsteady. “Bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.”
Misty’s bottom lip trembles. “There’s still too much to do. And the café…”
When her eyes fill with tears, I hug her, holding her as tightly as I feel comfortable. “You have a family to help you. It’ll be okay as long as you take care of yourself.”
“The café, though. I have to do payroll and inventory and pay the bills—”
“We’ll figure it out,” Zep says. “Baby, you have to relax.”
“Relax? Are you serious, Zep?”
Rubbing her back, I look between them. He looks so lost, and I know he’s not the type of person who likes to feel like he’s helpless. “I could help,” I offer.
“What?” Misty asks.
I shrug. “Inventory is nothing new for me. I can do it. And you only have one more employee than I do, so I think I can figure out the payroll situation. And bills, well, I pay them for both the bakery and my place. Granted, I don’t really live there right now, but you don’t need to worry about the extra stuff right now. ”
She lets out a sob. “You’d really… You’d do that?”
“You’re growing a human inside of you. You have much bigger things to focus on. Like… the fact you’re growing a human inside of you.”
“That would be such a big help, Phoebe. I… I don’t feel right asking.”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering. And I know someone who would be a great hire if you’re looking for another person. She’s been asking if I need someone else at the bakery, but I only really need Sarah.”
Her mouth opens in disbelief. “I’ve been looking for someone in the afternoons and weekends.”
“I’ll call Tabitha. And any paperwork you have that I can’t figure out, I’ll bring here. We’ll do it together.”
She wraps me up tightly in her arms. “Thank you, Phoebe. You don’t know how much this helps.”
“Get her to bed,” Tucker says. “We’ll see ourselves out.”
Moving away from Misty, I smile. It’s rewarding being able to help out a friend in need. Sure, it’ll be extra work, but she needs help. And I can help her. It’s what friends do. I’ve always wanted friends.
Zep pulls me into a big hug, and I can feel the relief in his grasp. “Thank you,” he whispers.
I just smile and nod as I follow Tucker outside. He pulls me into his arms, and he kisses me. “You’re pretty fucking amazing.”
“I can do inventory in my sleep. It’s not that impressive,” I say, waving my hand in the air.
I hate compliments.
But I also love them from him.
“I hope you realize this solidified you in the family.”
If only he understood I’ve wanted nothing more than a family since I lost mine. But before I can tell him, the front door opens, and Bernie runs out in footie pajamas, her small hand shoving her glasses onto her face.
“Phoebe!”
“Hi, Bernie. Why aren’t you asleep?”
“I heard Mom come home. I have an idea, but I need your help.”
My heart could float me away right now with the wings it has with the trust they have in me. “What can I do for you?”
“Mom’s favorite food right now is peanut butter. She puts it on a banana and sprinkles on chocolate chips. Can you make a cake like that?”
I haven’t experimented recently because I’ve been conservative with my ingredients, but this is for a good cause. “I think I can come up with something. But you have to help me make it. Because all the best desserts are made with love.”
“I’m so excited!” She jumps up and hugs me. “Don’t tell Mom or Zep, though. I want it to be a surprise.”
Nodding, I wink at her. “Got it. Now go to bed. It’s way past your bedtime.”
She slips back inside, and I smile after her. When I turn, Tucker has a knowing smirk on his face.
“What?”
“Family, baby. You are in the family. For life.”
“I’ve never wanted anything more.”