Chapter 7
Juniper
My head is a fucking mess. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. Maybe I should have stayed well enough away, because this hurts. My chest is in agony with heartache, my head hurting from every single memory that invades my mind, and my body longs to fall into Evron’s embrace. To forget all the heartbreak, pain, and sadness that’s doing its best to drown me.
I knew seeing them all, being around them all, would be hard. But I never thought I’d have the air sucked out of my lungs at first sight, have my stomach flipped like I’m on a ride at a carnival, or have my heart both crushed and revived with every face I looked at. All faces I recognize with stark clarity, and yet each one is different than the ones my younger self remembered.
Eyeing the arms stretched out to me, a welcome hold for me to fall into, I debate for all of two seconds whether or not I can even cope with more touches, more hugs, and more comfort, all of which I don’t feel like I deserve. Because I left them all. I didn’t mean to, and it certainly wasn’t by my own choice, but I left. I left them. I could have come back to find them, even if I was in fucking danger. I could have looked.
Eventually, the temptation of Evron’s touch is too much for me to fight against, the scent I took in earlier luring me close, the rich warmth of oak and hazelnut drawing me away from the sink and straight into the arms that band around me the instant I fall into them. It’s been too long since I’ve had a hug, Mack’s not included. Before that hug in his bar, I don’t recall the last time someone just… held me. Embraced me, offered their touch to soothe me. It feels as alien as it does familiar, and I can’t control myself when I rub my face into Evron’s chest and wrap my arms around his back tight enough that he’d have to put up the slightest struggle to escape.
Of course, he doesn’t even try, and I should have expected that much. Of all of them, Ev has always been the most touchy-feely. Always seeking out affection when I was near, always needing to hold my hand, lie on me, anything that meant he had contact with me. It’s one of the things that took the biggest toll to go without over the years.
Evron sighs against my head, his arms tightening right before I feel him press a kiss to my hair, and I close my eyes against the onslaught of tears that threaten to fall. How the fuck do I have more to shed? I’ve cried more in one day than I have in the last year. It’s a miracle there’s a single drop of liquid left in my body.
We remain tightly bundled together, Evron’s hand running up and down my back with easy glides, his warm touch seeping through my jacket and shirt. All the while, I’m trying to wrangle in my emotions and whirlwind thoughts, trying to accept that beyond all hope and dreams and reasoning, I’m here. After eight years of separation, I’m back with the guys. My guys.
Tentatively, I murmur, “Well, this isn’t very ‘live, laugh, love’ of me, huh?”
A choked laugh escapes Evron, his arms tightening a fraction before he loosens his hold. “Not very cash money, no.”
I groan against him, shaking my head at his matching ridiculousness, even as it eases some of the turmoil running rampant through my entire system. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
“Bold of you to assume I’d know. I just heard a youth say it last week,” he snickers, pressing another kiss to my head, his lips lingering while I hear him inhale deeply .
“Youths? What are you, eighty?” I snort, curling my hands in his shirt, unwilling to let him go just yet. He feels too nice against me, too comforting and familiar, despite the obvious way his body has changed over the years. He’s certainly not the skinny kid with unruly copper hair anymore. Instead, my arms are banded around a lean, toned body, much like a swimmer would have. His hair is shorter than it used to be, but still long enough that the top of it waves over his forehead and into his eyes. He’s still just as beautiful, if not more, than he was back then. “You remember you’re the same age as me, right?”
“We’re practically fossils, Blue,” he sighs in mock sadness, resting his cheek on my head as he starts rocking us back and forth.
A sneaky laugh slips free of my mouth, escaping too fast for me to bottle it, and I blurt, “We’re twenty. If we’re fossils now, what will we be in another twenty years?”
I feel him shrug. “Probably fuel, I dunno.”
“Oh my god,” I mutter, chuckling into his chest, feeling ten times lighter already.
“God, I’ve missed that sound, Blue. If I could bottle your laugh and carry it around with me, I’d do it in a heartbeat,” he breathes, and my chuckles slow, my smile softening.
Pulling away from him, his hands still holding me and mine, him, I offer my own truth. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. And the others. I feel like I’m in a dream right now, waiting for my alarm clock to tear me away from you all again.”
Ev is already shaking his head, his hands raising to cup my face carefully, like I’m some delicate flower that needs to be handled with great care. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, will take you away from us again, sweetheart. I can promise you that. Got it?”
I mean, it’s not something he can promise, since life has always been unpredictable. Look at my life, for example. But the conviction he bleeds into his words has me nodding anyway, a desperate need to believe him compelling me to agree .
“Now, how about we go have some pizza, drink a little, and watch a movie? And if you want to share where you’ve been the past eight years, what you’ve been doing, and what you’re doing at North Five, then I’ll be more than happy to listen. But tonight is a no stress, no expectations, and no rules kind of night,” he implores, his thumbs rubbing over my cheeks. “We’re just happy you’re here with us again, want to soak in whatever time you’re willing to give us. No pressure or anything, okay? You’re leading this shit show, sweetheart.”
He grins as he says it, and I can feel my knees grow weak, just like they always used to every time he directed that thing at me. Each of them has a smile that could light up a damned room, beaming and vibrant, and I bite my lip while I try to capture it to memory.
“Okay,” I agree simply, my own stupid smile growing to match his. I want to roll my eyes at myself, but the glittering approval in Evron’s emerald eyes steals whatever negativity I might have thought about this moment. One look, one smile, and everything already seems better than it was when Creek left this morning.
“Okay,” he repeats, dropping his hands, leaving me bereft of his touch for only a second before he clasps his fingers through mine and drags me out of the bathroom before I can change my mind and decide to hide some more.
I realize I didn’t even get a chance to check my makeup, my crying jag no doubt ruining the streaks of mascara and eyeliner I’d carefully applied earlier. So, with some discretion, I swipe my fingers under my eyes, cleaning up the mess as best as I can before wiping what little smudges appear on my finger against my jeans.
“You look beautiful, sweetheart. Don’t stress,” Ev assures, winking down at me.
I roll my eyes, my lips twitching, and explain, “I was more concerned about looking like a feral trash panda, to be honest.”
“Well, you’re a beautiful trash panda,” he shrugs, laughing when my mouth falls open in shock. Just as I gear up to punch his arm, he blurts, “I’m joking! I’m joking. There isn’t a single smudge. ”
I can’t tell if he’s lying or not, but it’s too late to do anything about it, because we’re rounding the corner and heading into the kitchen a few seconds later, and all eyes turn to me the moment we come into view.
“Gawk a little harder, guys. Make her really uncomfortable,” Evron snickers, leading me to the beautiful marble island counter, where a shit-ton of pizza boxes are opened.
I snort to cover the sound of my stomach growling at the smell, and I pause when I spot my favorite. Double pepperoni with chorizo and ground beef. I haven’t had it in years, not willing to scrounge up the money to splurge on pizza, and my mouth waters the same time my eyes do. Fucking A. I’m so over the goddamn tears.
Blinking rapidly, I clear my throat and rasp, “Sorry. You know, for the emotional rollercoaster.”
“Oh, no. Don’t apologize, Juju. We get it,” Leylan reassures, squeezing my shoulder when he’s close enough, before offering me a plate. “Help yourself. There’s enough to go around.”
I don’t move for a long moment, watching the guys all tuck in, filling their plates with mountains worth of pizza. I almost forgot how much they all eat, biting my lip to keep my smile hidden when Geo places the end piece of a slice of pizza between his teeth before adding more to his plate, stealing one slice of everything before helping himself to a drink.
A plate scraping along the surface of the marble draws my attention, and I peer down at it, finding three slices of my favorite pizza on top of it, along with a single slice of barbeque chicken that I know is Lowie’s favorite. My gaze darts in his direction, finding him busy pouring a drink into a large glass, the pitcher cold and dripping with condensation. When he’s filled the glass damn near to the top, he slides that across to me, too, pale-blue eyes colliding with mine when he finds me watching him.
“Peach iced tea. Your favorite,” he says gruffly, knowing my obsession runs deep enough that I wouldn’t have ever been able to give up my one and only vice. Well, anything sugary and sweet are my vices, but I’ll be the first to admit that I have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with peach iced tea.
Before I can thank him, Lowie picks up his own plate and drink and disappears into the living room. The others wait for me to pick up my own plate and glass before following after him, and I bite my lip, staring in the direction Lowie disappeared.
Now that I’m not crying, suffocating beneath all of the emotion that steamrolled me the moment I walked into the lavish home they all share, I don’t actually know how to act around any of them, less so Lowie. I know he hugged me earlier, could smell his and Leylan’s scents mingling together as they held me tightly between them, but he stayed silent the moment he pulled away, taking with him his deep, creamy sandalwood and soft coconut scent that complements Leylan’s woody and slightly citrusy cedarwood and coconut. Now, however, Lowie can barely seem to look at me for longer than a couple of seconds, only offering those five words and nothing more. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt as much as a punch to the solar plexus would. In fact, I’m sure I’d recover better if someone threw me a mean right hook.
It takes me a moment to realize I’m not alone, Leylan hovering near the corner, waiting for me. His lips tug into a shy smile, one I could recognize in a room full of people, and he gently offers, “Give him time. This is probably harder for him than all of us combined, and that’s saying something. He’s adjusting.”
I nod slowly, accepting his defense of his brother, and walk towards him. As soon as I’m beside him, we walk into the living room together, Leylan taking up a space close to my shoulder, his arm brushing against mine innocently enough that I don’t bother pulling away.
As soon as we’re in the living room, I spy Lowie sitting on the end of the corner couch, Geo seated beside him. There’s an empty space in the corner, Creek occupying the seat that follows, and Evron is seated on the floor despite the plenty of seats he could have parked himself in .
“Sit wherever you’re comfortable, Juju,” Leylan softly commands, and my feet are weirdly moving before I can conjure the thoughts to do so, all of these nicknames I haven’t heard since the night I almost died turning my insides to mush, a warmth settling in the pits of my soul at every one uttered.
I end up seated in the empty corner of the lush, cream couch littered with enough blankets that each of us could take one and there’d be more to spare. They all range in soft, subtle tones, warm and welcoming, and they blend effortlessly with the rest of the room. A beautiful room, much like the rest of the house. Soft-gray paint spans most of the walls and the entirety of the ceiling, white wooden panels expand across the lower half of the walls in a beautiful contrast.
“What movie takes your fancy, firecracker?” Geo asks, biting a large chunk from his pizza, causing my lips to twitch.
Shrugging, I say, “I’m easy. I’ll watch whatever you guys want to watch.”
Creek nudges my arm and says, “How about a horror?”
“Sure, but only because it’s been too long since I last saw you hide behind a cushion,” I snicker, biting into my own pizza, moaning softly at the burst of flavor that coats my tongue. My eyes flicker closed as I savor the bite, the cheese practically melting on my tongue, and I sigh as my back sinks into the couch behind me.
When my eyes open again, I find all five of the guys watching me, and an uncomfortable warmth rises in my cheeks. Clearing my throat, I murmur, “Sorry. Haven’t had pizza in a while.”
Lowie frowns, intense gaze watching me like he’s trying to extract my thoughts and memories directly from my mind. Leylan smiles softly at me, adjusting his position on the couch, while Geo and Creek both look away quickly, the latter nodding and the former swallowing the bite of pizza he just took with an audible gulp. Evron, however, grins wickedly at me, before he lifts his plate and moves to sit directly in front of me, his back brushing against my legs. He doesn’t say a thing, simply settles into his new spot, and lifts the remote for Creek.
Taking the remote without once looking over at me, Creek goes about looking through every streaming service they seem to have, finding three horror movies to debate between.
“It has a nun, though. Tell me that isn’t creepy in the right setting,” he argues with Geo, looking over at me for support, that I offer all too willingly.
“Not as creepy as kids killing their whole families in their sleep,” Geo argues. “That shit could happen. A nun’s head three-sixty no-scoping in a derelict church is less likely.”
I nod in support of that, too, because my— I mean, the beta isn’t wrong.
“That’s where you’re both wrong,” Evron chimes in, wiping his hands with a napkin before turning to face us all. “The creepiest shit comes in the form of a clown who lives in a sewer and eats kids for shits and giggles.”
I pull a face. “I mean, that is creepy, but I think Geo wins. Murderous little kids taking out their families seems pretty wild to me.”
“But he tears the kid’s arm off,” Ev tries to counter, throwing his hands up like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Just straight up ripped it clean off, after acting like a weapons grade predator, luring children into a storm drain. That’s fucked up.”
“True,” Creek agrees, pointing at a grinning Evron, smug that he’s finally proving his point.
Geo shakes his head and effectively counters, “You’re not wrong, but there’s something infinitely screwed about kids seeing the bogyman and then finding creative ways to off their parents and siblings at his command. Tell me you’ll sleep easy after watching that, bro.”
There’s a pause before Evron shakes his head in defeat. “You know what, you’re right. I’d probably end up kicking the next kid I see on the street, just in case. Can’t trust those little snot gobblers, what with their unnerving stares and constant wondering what games I have on my phone. As if I’d hand my cell over to a sticky-handed bandit willingly. You’d have to shoot me first.”
The room falls silent before the guys start laughing, and I hide my grin behind my hand. The pizza is long gone, my drink cradled in the hand not suppressing my amusement.
“Low, Ley, what are your thoughts?” Creek wonders, winking over at me when he witnesses me clearly struggling to rein in my laughter.
“I couldn’t give less of a shit, so long as you put a movie on,” Lowie grumbles, but I see the slight twitch of his own lips. He’s not as immune to the ridiculousness as he’d like everyone to believe. Some things never change.
Leylan’s smile is soft, like he’s enjoying basking in the back and forth, before he says, “Ultimately, the choice is Juniper’s. State your cases to her, if you must.”
My smile drops and I glare at Leylan, slack-jawed and betrayed. All eyes turn back to me again, and I roll my eyes before snatching the remote from Creek’s hands and closing my eyes the moment my fingers are poised above the left and right button. Without thinking too hard on it, I start pressing the buttons randomly, back and forth, back and forth, until I lose track of where the cursor will be on the giant television attached to the wall.
Opening my eyes, I see the cursor has landed on a movie with the killer kids, and Geo throws his hands up in celebration while Evron and Creek groan good naturedly. Snorting, I deposit the remote on the pretty birch-wood coffee table before sinking into the cushions once more, relishing in the feelings thrumming through my body. The nostalgia of how things used to be between us all, the forgotten animosity surrounding the years we’ve been apart, and the overwhelming belonging I can’t help but feel surrounded by the guys I thought I’d spend my life with once upon a time.
That thought brings with it the niggles of guilt and grief, my amusement fleeing just as quickly as it came, replaced by the self- loathing and sadness that always surrounds me. I sigh, wrapping my arms around myself, annoyed that the lighter, happier version of myself fled after only a brief interlude. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I finally belong somewhere, feel like there’s a place in the world carved just for me. I’m surrounded by the guys I’ve missed more than I could ever put into words, content and satisfied, and yet, the thoughts and memories prevail. I was absent from their lives for years. I don’t know them any more than they know me now. Too much time has passed, and I feel the rift between us, a rift that spans too wide to jump over. I can’t understand why I’ve been so willingly welcomed into their home, how we’ve seemed to have picked up where we left off all those years ago.
I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, for one of them to ask where I’ve been, what happened, why I disappeared. I won’t be able to lie to any of them if they ask, which will lead me down the only route there is. Explain everything and hope they don’t turn their backs on me like so many have.
I don’t know if I can put my heart on the line like that again, now when it was so brutally broken at the ripe old age of twelve, and the pack I thought I’d create, the future I thought I would build with the five men surrounding me, vanished before I even realized it was what I desperately wanted. What I’ve only ever wanted.
“You okay?” Creek whispers, leaning close enough that his breath fans over my uncovered ear, my hair securely tucked behind it. Ginger and spice tickles my nose, and I inhale subtly, relaxing as Creek’s scent washes away my melancholy thoughts.
I nod in lieu of telling the truth, keeping my eyes on the oversized screen, and I hug my arms tighter to my chest. As nice as this has been, as achingly beautiful as it’s been to have them all back in my life, I know it can’t last. Tomorrow will come and reality will sink its vicious claws back into me, and tonight will become just another memory for me to look back on with heartache and pain.
And so, I bite my lip and bottle my feelings, deciding to settle in for a night spent watching movies and bickering about our choices, knowing tomorrow will come, bringing with it the reminder that whatever is happening right now is only temporary. They’ll remember I left, they’ll remember they spent the last eight years living with my absence, and they’ll realize that I’m not worth the trouble it’ll take to keep me in their lives.
After all, there’s only so much one pack can take. And I dread the moment they learn that trouble didn’t leave me eight years ago when I landed in the hospital with a punctured lung, bruises and cuts covering every inch of my body, and a future of running before me.
Running from the promise of more pain, from the pack that sired me into existence, and the pack that will stop at nothing to ensure I return home.