Pages of Amber

CHAPTER TWO

“THERE ISN’T BALLET PRACTICE on Thursday, right?”Beverly asked as they made their way to the lot, the PSA system signaling the end of the school day echoing faintly behind them. The chill of the February air swept over Amber. She snuggled into her coat, ready to throw it and her uniform jacket off the moment she got home.

Reuniting with her friends had been fun but the day had been long. At every corner, there was a person waiting with salutations and almost all of them had a thing or two to say about the competition results. By the tenth person, she basically zoned out, smiling and nodding at whatever they had to say. The uncomfortable feeling had only grown larger and stronger as more people had mentioned it and at this point, she was over it.

She took a long deep breath in, letting the crispness of the air fill her lungs and awaken her senses. Amber adored the layers of snow they got to see in New York. The fluff on the sidewalks and snow covered buildings were a sight but she couldn’t wait for her favorite season to roll around.

“It was moved to Friday,”Amber answered.

The Fleur Elysian Ballet Theatre had been like a second home to Amber for years. She’d started there shortly after showing interest in dance as a child. Her parents hadn’t hesitated in enrolling her and that place had shaped the rest of her life. It was the reason she had been able to hone her talents into what they were now. The reason she’d gone and won another competition. The theatre had been undergoing some minor renovations shortly before Amber had left and were apparently still in the midst of it. Since some of the dance halls were being worked on, the class schedules had been adjusted.

“Okay, then.”Beverly’s giggle was absolutely suspicious.

Amber looked at her friend, scanning the suspiciously large grin on Beverly’s face.“Why are you asking?”

“Nothing. We have a surprise,”Lexi answered.“Actually, it’s Beverly’s surprise, but you must have already guessed what it is.”

“Um…”Amber tugged at her sleeve in thought. They headed down the stairs into the courtyard as students spilled out the doors behind them, everyone headed in groups to the expansive parking lot situated to the left of the building. The school grounds were huge but Redmington had a strict rule on parking cars at the lot, even if it was a drop-off. It kept the premises organized but also meant if someone came in late, they’d have to park at the back and walk for what felt like forever to reach the front doors.“Can I have a clue?”

“Nope. No clue.”

“And I’m not telling, so don’t bother asking,”Lexi added. Beverly caught Amber by the shoulders as they walked past the prismatic fountain proudly displaying the school crest. Lexi fell into step beside them, watching the choreography of the water.“We’re making it a little celebration of your win too.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Beverly.”

“’Course I do. My girl basically set a record for winning second place at regionals. This is happening whether you want it or not.”

“Fine.”Amber paused.“You’re not budging on the no-clue thing, huh?”

Beverly shrugged but her shoulders did an extra jump and she had to bite her lip to hold in her smile.“I was trying to hint at it this morning, but we were distracted. Come on, Amber. You know what it is. I talk about it only all the time.”

She scratched her gloves against her head. Where would she begin? Beverly had a million things running through her head every minute and she usually blurted them out as fast as she thought them up. Amber squinted, trying to recall anything that had made Beverly as excited as she was now. She blew a frustrated breath when nothing clicked.“I have no idea.”

Beverly looked over her face, like she was trying to be sure if Amber was kidding or not.“Really? You don’t remember anything?”

“It’s been a crazy few weeks. Guess you win this time.”Lexi had skipped past them while Amber had been brainstorming. Ahead of her, Willow and Casey were already stepping into their cars.

“Yeah. Guess I win,”Beverly said, but the excitement had bled out of her voice.

Amber looked over at her friend.“You okay, Bev?”

“Of course I am.”Beverly shook her head, wisps of her dark hair escaping and clinging to her temple. Her smile returned to her face as she said,“It’s better you don’t remember, actually. Don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

Sure, Amber didn’t want to ruin the surprise but if it was something Beverly was sure she should know, then she could make an effort to recall it a little harder. Before Amber could try her luck once more, she spotted Nigel parked a few feet away from them. She waved him in greeting, catching Beverly and Lexi’s attention.“I’ve gotta go, girls. Lexi, want a ride home?”

“No, thanks. I got my car from the shop yesterday.”

“Back to terrorizing the streets with your driving,”Beverly teased, back to her exuberance. She darted out of the way as Lexi swiped at her.

“That car came out of nowhere. It was totally my turn to go at green.”

Amber turned away to hide her snort but was sure Lexi caught it by the dirty glare she sent her. Where Lexi was great at ballet and school and a million other things, she was not so great at steering a car. The first time Amber had climbed into her friend’s car to cheer her on getting her driver’s license was the last time she would ever do it. She and Beverly had melted out of the car and onto the ground, thanking God that they were alive to see the rest of the day. It had been that bad. Amber wasn’t exactly in a spot to comment though. She didn’t have a license and not even the slightest idea the first thing when it came to driving.

“Yeah, yeah.”Beverly laughed.“I don’t need a ride. Jacob picked me up today. We’re going to see a movie at his place.”

The flush on Beverly’s face when mentioning Jacob brought a smile to Amber’s. The two of them had been flirting for a long time before the jock had finally asked Beverly out. After almost six months together, they were hopelessly in love and it was written all over her friend’s face.

“Don’t think we don’t see that smile,”Amber teased.

Bev’s blush deepened as she laughed.“That’s because I wasn’t trying to hide it. Now, group hug.”

She yanked Amber and Lexi to her, squeezing hard. Amber held her friends, sending a little thank you to the universe for them. A day in their presence and the stress of the past weeks had faded into nothing. She loved these girls. They’d stuck with each other for years and she knew they would have her back like she would for them. They separated and Beverly blew them kisses before hurrying across the lot to where Amber spotted Jacob and a few of the guys from the football team standing around. She let out a happy sigh watching her friend jump into his arms.

“They look so happy together,”Lexi spoke softly.

“They do, don’t they? I’m happy she’s happy. Jacob is good for her.”

Lexi nodded. At the stall of silence between them, she turned to Amber.“They’ll be happy to have you back at the theatre tomorrow. They might roll out a red carpet.”

“I don’t know about the red carpet, but I know I’m glad to be back.”Amber chuckled.

“Beverly is right, you know. It’s a big deal that you got into the regionals in the first place, not to talk about walking away with second place. You’re basically a representative of the Fleur Elysian. They were singing your praises before the results were announced.”Lexi met her gaze as she continued,“I know you’ll say it’s only second place, but that second place was at regional finals which almost never happens for kids like us still in high school. It’s your reality but for so many other dancers out there, it’s still a dream.”

The air around them felt hot at that moment, like the serious tone in Lexi’s voice had chased away the chill of the afternoon. Amber tucked her gloved hands into her coat jacket and offered her friend a smile. It was small and strained but she held onto it, eager to get away from the conversation. The amount of times it had been brought up today alone was enough to last her the rest of the week.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t take it for granted. I’m lucky to have had the experience at all. Most of the time, I feel like I don’t deserve it.”

They had watched the performance, but she had lived it. Where they saw grace and choreography, she saw missteps and poorly executed positions. When they saw her gliding across the stage, she saw the faceless crowd, felt eyes digging into flesh as every move was judged and scrutinized. When they heard music pouring over the speakers, she heard the loud pounding of her heart, her blood rushing into her ears and her mother’s voice on repeat in her head.

“You shouldn’t. You did great and everyone knows it. They wouldn’t all say it if it wasn’t true, right?”

No, they wouldn’t. Unfortunately, their words weren’t the ones she desperately craved. Their opinions were little more than rocks against the formidable mountain of what the expert had to say. She often thought their praise was wasted on her. She had never understood why she deserved it. She couldn’t accept it, not when it didn’t tally with what she had heard for so long. When she needed to work twice as hard and still felt stuck in the same place. But as she always did, she buried it all far, far underneath. With a simple nod, she said,“I know. Thanks, Lexi. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The clink of china echoed in the dining room, rattling her nerves. Mallory Coleman stirred her tea across from Amber, the action rhythmic as she added two cubes of sugar and stirred again. With another clink, she set down the teaspoon and brought the cup to her lips. Amber watched her mother, following the movements she knew to be basically routine even though they felt new whenever she saw it.

At forty-six, Mallory Coleman hadn’t aged a day over her twenties. Her arched cheekbones and pert lips sat between blonde hair cut into a stylish bob. It did a great job emphasizing her elegant features. Her silver blue eyes were piercing against the palette of her skin and had been the downfall of many opponents. Her makeup was perfectly done no matter the time of day. Her mother had always been beautiful but after taking the reins of Coleman Construction & Real Estate, it had become a cold sort of beauty. Almost as though she was molded and cast in marble. While the family business had always done well, it had flourished the past few years. It made Amber wish her father was here to see it. Her parents had worked hard to accomplish their dream and had built the company from the ground up. With her mom’s connections from her days as a principal dancer, it hadn’t taken long for their empire to rise.

Her mother had been a ballerina, one of the best of her generation. Amber could still remember seeing newspaper clippings of her mom, some captured on stage and others with her dance team on their performance tours. If she closed her eyes, she could even recall the smile on her dad’s face and the pride in his voice as he showed her the treasured mementos of her mom’s career with Amber sitting on his lap, riveted by his stories.

Her mother had been a professional dancer making her name known all over the world. She had won competitions, attained trophies and awards, had toured the world with her team, performing in productions that had left audiences enraptured. Her dad had loved to say her mom would have gone down in ballet history, her portrait hung in the hall of the greats like Anna Pavlova and Pierina Legnani until she’d met him and they had fallen in love. A few years down the line, her mother had quit ballet due to complications when Amber had come along.

She had never seen her mother on stage beyond the pictures her father had shown her. But she cherished the little things. Being held by her mom as they spun round the kitchen. Her dad joining in despite being horribly arrhythmic. Her mom’s classical music trilling through the house on Sundays while she and her dad sat in his armchair. Those times all seemed so far away now. Amber looked to her mom across the expansive dining table. The echo of silence between them was haunting. A yawning chasm sat between them that grew an inch wider with each minute that passed. Amber struggled to remember the last time either of them had bridged the gap. Her mother’s gaze met hers. A minute ticked by before her voice cut through the thick air, relieving Amber.

“How was school today?”

Amber moved her arm, feeling stiff from sitting rigidly in her seat. She leaned back into the cushion but her ingrained training didn’t let her slouch into the seat. Cutting into the last piece of chicken on her plate, she said,“Good. It was nice to be back after so long. The girls were really excited to have me back too.”

A brow rose, sharp and succinct.“And practice? Have you resumed?”

“Not yet. With the renovations going on, space is pretty tight so our classes have been shuffled around. I got a copy of the new schedule to keep track of it all.”

Her mom’s cutlery clinked as she sat it down and reached for her water, saying nothing. Amber took it as a win. She bit her lip wondering. Should she go for a streak?“The girls have a surprise planned for me on Thursday,”she began hesitantly.“I don’t know all the details yet but after school-”

The glass was set down with a dull thunk! Amber quickly shut up. Her mother’s dainty wrist hovered over the drinkware as silence began to press in again. Amber struggled not to slouch under its intensity.

“You’re in your last year, aren’t you Amber?”

Her hands found each other under the table, sinking lifeguards desperate for anchor.“Yes, mom.”

“Then I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how important it is that you finish strongly. Having a good stage presence and some talent is nothing if you don’t have the education to back up a career. The way to do that is to take your studies seriously and these girls, I’m not sure they have your best interest at heart.”

Amber struggled with the urge to jump in and defend her friends, not wanting to risk her mother’s ire. Her mom had never liked Beverly and Lexi. Amber had never known why since they had barely interacted with her. Her friends stayed clear of her mom and Amber was honestly too much of a coward to ask about it. There wasn’t a particular reason her mom didn’t like them or at least no reason Amber was aware of. Her mom simply didn’t like a lot of things nowadays.

“Mom, they’re great friends and they–”

“They would not be encouraging you to put away your books after a two-week absence from school and practice if they were such great friends. Don’t you agree?”

Blue clashed on blue, one beseeching, the other unrelenting. Her mother pinned her with that gaze. The one Amber should have been used to but it still landed a direct hit in the softest part of her chest. It was the look that never failed to make her feel only an inch tall and insignificant. The one that hurt because a mother should never have a look like that reserved for her daughter.

Amber broke her gaze when the door to the room pulled open and Dottie stepped in. The older woman strode towards the table, tray in hand. She sent Amber a sympathetic smile as she swapped the dinner plates for dessert. Amber temporarily forgot the unpleasantness of the conversation at the bowl of peach cobbler before her. Her mouth watered at the sweet aroma alone and she couldn’t wait to scarf it down.

She smiled at Dottie in thanks and picked her fork, eager to dig in. She’d abstained from a lot of her comfort foods leading up to the regionals competition. Her mom had always maintained that a ballerina had to be conscious of what she ate to keep healthy and keep her body suited to her costumes but Amber still liked to bend the rules where she could. The meal before her felt more like a celebration than anything else.

“Did you use almond milk, Dottie? What flour did you use for the mix? I don’t want any extra carbs sneaking into her system.”

Amber’s hand paused on its way to her mouth as she swiveled her head to face Dottie. They blinked at each other in sync before Dottie composed herself to answer.

“Not today, Ma’am. I thought with the competition over, Amber would like to enjoy her–”

“You thought, did you?”The sharp tone of her mom’s voice cut Dottie’s answer to the quick. Amber barely noticed the quiver in her hand as she lowered her fork. Dottie had only meant well. After her and her mom’s return, she had told Amber how relieved she was the competition was over so she could return to preparing her foods off the more lenient diet plan.

“Mom,”she started gently, readying herself for the storm. Amber wouldn’t let Dottie take blame when she had basically asked her for the meal.“I asked Dottie to prepare the meal for me since the competition is over. I didn’t think I had to watch the calories as much anymore.”

She steeled herself as her mother turned to her. Amber could barely meet her gaze where she knew the real fire would be. Her mom had the perfect poker face after years of being on display before the media. While Amber admired that, it wasn’t as fun having it pointed at her. Her mom’s face remained blank but her eyes were her true tell. Those eyes flashed at her now.

“Have I taught you nothing?”Her mother spoke, somehow looking down her nose at Amber despite being on opposite ends of the table.“You must always be prepared. Your body is what you feed it. An opportunity can come calling at any moment and you would have complicated your chances by eating recklessly and slacking off.”Her words ended in a sigh, like it was hopeless that she kept repeating herself. Her eyes dropped to her glass as she raised it to her lips,“It’s a wonder you even won second place at that competition. You would have returned with first if you ever took the time to listen to me.”

The echo of disappointment in her words crashed into Amber. She blinked rapidly, counting her breaths, her hands folding into the coarse fabric of her jeans.

“Take that away. Bring fruits instead. She could use the nutrients.”Her mom waved her hand, ushering Dottie out, oblivious to the wreck that was her daughter.

“Yes, Ma’am.”Dottie cleared the cobbler, leaving the room quietly. Amber kept her head lowered all the while. She didn’t dare meet the older woman’s eyes. It was humiliating enough that she witnessed these scenes every time.

Her mother focused on her plate, cutting away at the dessert with sharp, precise movements. Amber’s mind spun, left untethered in the silence. Her mom wanted the best for her. She always had, from the very moment Amber had donned on ballet shoes and done a near perfect pirouette at her first try. Her mom had seen her talent and understood it. She’d been in those very same shoes all her life after all. Amber had always trusted her mom and her leadership. Of course she did. This was her mom. What mother wouldn’t want the best for their child?

Amber shook her head. Her mom was right. She should’ve known better than to relapse on her diet. That was one of the non-negotiable parts of being a dancer. There were other ways she could celebrate ending the competition, like going out with her friends for whatever surprise they had planned. She only had to wait two days to know what it was.

Her gaze flitted back to her mom as she dabbed her lips with a napkin, every move gentle and careful so as not to smudge her red lipstick, the color bold and fresh on her, never mind that it was nearing eight pm. Her mother was dressed immaculately in an emerald green evening gown, the neckline dipped to showcase the pearls gracing her neck. She was every bit regal and beautiful.

“It’s your last year at Redmington,”her mom said.“I expect brilliant grades and a spotless record. No complaints. No excuses. Don’t let your time there be a waste. Don’t disappoint me, Amber.”

Despite the effort to cheer herself, Amber had deflated once again at her mom’s words. By the time her head lifted her mother was already across the room, her feet gliding soundlessly across the floor years after she no longer danced. Her gaze followed her mom’s exit. She could admit she wasn’t an academic genius but she’d always done well despite the struggle of balancing dance and her studies when she missed classes so often that she lagged behind when everyone else was up to speed. She hadn’t said a word when any of that happened. Why did her mother expect complaints from her now?

The door closed with a muted click, but Amber stared on at the space her mother had formerly occupied. No complaints. No excuses. She fell back into her chair. Amber already found herself way behind on her school work. In every one of her classes today, she had been stuck staring into space while everyone around her nodded along with the teachers or asked follow-up questions. The next few weeks would be brutal for her to catch up with all the notes she had missed and any assignments she needed to complete. Amber was prepared to do it. She had done it all before.

Did her mom think she would somehow fail miserably at this the way she had the competition?

Was she already expecting nothing but failure from Amber? Was the standard really so low?

Her mood sank the more she questioned herself. With her appetite gone, Amber followed her mother’s steps out of the room. She turned right to the back of the house and let her feet lead her to the only place she wanted to be tonight.

The door creaked as she pushed it open and Amber made a note to oil the hinges. Dottie had helped look after the little garden while she was gone but she had asked Dottie to leave any major work that needed to be done for her. Amber liked to work on the flowers herself. It was a great distraction for when she wanted to turn her mind off for a minute. It was also one of the places she could unwind. She could have easily opted for a notebook instead. She preferred the inviting, blank page when she needed an outlet for all she bottled up. But at the moment, the stairs to her room were her biggest obstacle.

Picking up her watering can, Amber gently ran her fingers over the pink metal with an imprint of a daisy on the side. Cute and functional, it was her latest addition to the tools. She headed over to the small sink at the corner and filled her can. The budding tulips caught her eye and Amber checked them before she began to water the soil around them. The familiar movement relaxed her and soon she was humming mindlessly under her breath as she moved from one trough to the next.

This was where she had longed to be all day. She could have a million things at her fingertips, but here was where she really wanted to be. It was where she imagined she and her father could be together.

She placed the can down when she reached the last trough. The one dedicated to her father’s favorite flower. Her favorite, too.

Her breath lightly swayed a few petals as she started to speak. Slowly, her voice filled the room, her tone low as she chased away the silence.

Amber talked to her garden, to her flowers, to her father.

She told him about her day, about school and her friends. Her voice rose higher as she spoke about how excited she was for Beverly’s surprise, about her trip and the competition. Then it dipped as she spoke about her mom. She was concerned that her mother worked constantly. She hated that her mother never smiled anymore. She was scared that the space between her and her mom would remain never-ending.

Her voice shook as she unloaded the heaviest grief of her heart. Amber told her dad how much she missed him. Some days, she never knew what exactly she missed. Her memories of her father were a little faded but there were so many things she never wanted to forget about him or their short time with each other.

Out of everything though, Amber missed his presence. She missed his hand in hers. She missed his smile even when she did the silliest things. She missed having someone… anyone who would always be standing at her back no matter what. She had lost that the day she lost him.

That was what she hated the most because on the hard days when everything seemed to press in on her at once, when her worries made her want to fall apart, all she yearned for was someone to simply see her and tell her they were proud of her.