Pages of Amber

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

“EVERYONE, JOIN HANDS.”

The table collectively bowed their heads as Mr. Rhodes said a prayer.

A burly man in his late fifties, Richard Rhodes, with his mop of dark hair, kind green eyes and boisterous personality that was an exact replica of Ronan’s, had arrived at his home thirty minutes after Amber agreed to stay for dinner. As soon as he’d come in, he’d kissed his wife on the cheek, greeted his sons, and had been introduced to Amber. Then, he’d rolled up his sleeves, washed his hands three times at the kitchen sink and joined his wife to prepare dinner.

Amber had been able to observe the family dynamics in that short time. It was clear to anyone that Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes’ were besotted with each other. He could hardly go a few minutes without touching his wife’s waist, brushing against her shoulder or kissing her cheek. It sent a pang through Amber to remember that her parents had been similarly obsessed with each other.

The relationship between the parents and kids took a different turn. Mrs. Rhodes adored her sons, but she saw Noah as capable of handling things himself, she gave Ronan specific instructions to set the table and put things in order. His dad dictated to him where things should go and the spoons to be used for serving food. A certain sense of responsibility had rested on Ronan’s shoulders.

Noah was more withdrawn, especially from his father. His mom left him to mix up a bowl of salad and he went about the preparation in his own way, his movements slow but sure. His dad was less patient with Noah’s process. He indicated the lettuce amount was too little and the eggs weren’t evenly sliced. Noah adhered to his father’s correction but with each one, the furrow above his brow dug in deeper. He didn’t say anything. Instead, he focused on the bowl before him, pulling away from the family preparation.

Amber had watched from her perch at the breakfast counter, where Mrs. Rhodes had insisted she sit and not lift a finger. Now seated beside Noah, she slipped her fingers between his, her thumb sweeping the back of his hand. The prayer concluded and they raised their heads, but he didn’t let her hand go. She glanced at him, a swell rising in her chest at the furrows that were long gone.

Mr. Rhodes dug in first, piling his plate high. The food bowls passed around, the only sound in the room that of cutlery clinking against ceramic, water filling cups and silverware scraping.

“Nice to meet you again, Amber. You said you’re Noah’s classmate.” Mr. Rhodes broke the silence.

She swallowed her bite. “Yes, sir. We’ve known each other a long time. Since the first term I started at Redmington. But we got on the wrong foot then.”

“Oh really?” Mr. Rhodes raised a brow, an expression she’d seen so many times on a different face.

“This should be good.” Ronan sniggered. “We’ve never heard this story.”

Amber glanced at Noah who remained laser-focused on his plate, a flush staining his cheeks. Her lips tugged up. “We used to sit next to each other in AP English and Composition. Our teacher was handing back our pop quiz and when he got to Noah and I, he gave us our papers and said Noah had to watch out ‘cause he had competition.”

“Noah didn’t take that well?” Mrs. Rhodes asked, unable to hide her smile.

“Nope.” Amber laughed. “I was sweating through the whole class thinking the teacher had bought me an enemy when all I wanted to do was make friends with everyone. After class, I quickly approached Noah to tell him not to take what our teacher had said seriously.”

“Was he rude to you? Did he smack your books and stomp away or tell you that a girl couldn’t be his competition?” Ronan cut in again.

“He had better not.” Mrs. Rhodes glared at her son, reproach in her eyes now.

“I would never,” Noah defended himself. “But I did something much worse.”

“I don’t think it was worse, just harsh,” she said. “Noah looked me right in the eyes and said nothing.”

“Nothing?” Mr. Rhodes looked between her and Noah.

“Nothing,” she affirmed.

“Noah.” Mrs. Rhodes gasped. Ronan nearly fell out of his chair in laughter.

“He ignored me for five minutes straight as I rambled out my apology. I got so embarrassed that I walked away thinking he was ignoring me. The next time I tried to talk to him, it was the same thing. So, I got angry and told him he was acting like a meathead.” Her smile was wide as she remembered clenching her fists as she threw her first ever insult at Noah. Basic, but efficient since it finally got him to respond. “He told me it wasn’t his fault I was boring him with things that didn’t make sense. I was so outraged and demanded he apologize, but Noah being stubborn, he walked away instead. And thus, our rivalry began.”

“No wonder he never told us this story.” Ronan clutched his side, wiping at the tear that had escaped.

Noah glared at his brother. He’d paused eating, a pout on his face as she recanted the story.

“I’d always thought it was over something sillier, like stepping on his foot or spilling each other’s lunch.” Mrs. Rhodes shook her head, mirth shining in her eyes. “On behalf of my son, I’d like to apologize, Amber.”

Amber immediately waved her off. “There’s no need for that, Mrs. Rhodes. Noah and I have gotten past our misunderstanding. Working together on my project was a huge help.”

“But it took years.” Mr. Rhodes sliced into his meal. “Noah can be stubborn. I always wonder where he gets it from. It’s that stubbornness that won’t let him see reason to study medicine like his brother and I.”

The joyous mood drained from the dining room in the blink of an eye. Ronan stared down at his food and Mrs. Rhodes tried to shoot her husband a warning while Noah tensed up beside her. Amber reached for a glass of water to relieve her parched throat, feeling like it was somehow her fault for bringing the conversation.

“There are so many benefits to being a doctor, and this is coming from someone enjoying all the benefits of the profession,” Mr. Rhodes continued.

“Richard, this isn’t the appropriate time.” Mrs. Rhodes tried to cut in.

“The boy could use more convincing. I’m sure his friend can agree with me about–”

“Don’t bring Amber into this.” Noah’s spoon clattered loudly against his plate. His jaw was locked tight as he glared at his father. “We’ve been over this a million times, Dad. The benefit of guaranteed insurance and never being out of a job aren’t good enough reasons why I’d waste my life working somewhere I don’t want to.”

Mr. Rhodes glared back. “That isn’t the only guarantee in a field as broad as medicine. You are determined to fight me for the sake of pointless rebellion.”

“It’s not pointless. Why can’t you understand that I don’t want to study medicine like you? I don’t have a passion for it. I never will.”

“Fine, let’s say I do understand. You’ve never told us what you want to do and you can bet me, I won’t have you saying you’re not going to college.”

Noah scoffed. “You really don’t know me, do you? For you to think there was a possibility I’d say that.”

His dad pinched his nose. “What am I supposed to think when my son cuts off my attempts for him to study with his brother at a prestigious college? I’m all ears for the alternative you keep hiding from us.”

At his father’s request, the fight left Noah. He shrunk in his seat, as though embarrassed and unsure of himself. Amber couldn’t bear to see the contrast when he had spoken so proudly of his dream while they laid in the meadow. Grasping at his hand, she resolved not to let him shy away from this moment. She would give every last one of her possessions to get her mom to listen to her dream.

“You can do this, Noah. This is your chance,” she whispered, holding onto his hand tight.

He didn’t look at her but his hold on her said more than words could.

“Say something,” his father demanded.

Noah’s anger flared, aiming straight for his father. “You want to know the truth? Here it is. I want to be a philologist.”

Blank expressions swept round the table.

“A what?”

Noah exhaled heavily, as though a part of him didn’t believe he was opening up to them. The words rushed out of him, “I love literature, I love reading and discovering the meanings in prose and texts or studying the history of things. I love the feel of a good book in my hands and I would read forever if I could. I love learning and passing on that knowledge. I was terrified you wouldn’t care to understand what any of that meant so I looked up an explanation for why I was like this.”

“Oh, Noah.” His mom cupped her mouth, her eyes clouded with tears. Ronan stared wide-eyed at his brother while his dad took it in. The baffled expression on this face didn’t give much of an indication to his thoughts.

“You want to study literature?” his dad asked, the question rolling slowly off his tongue.

Amber winced at his lifeless tone. She grew less confident as seconds ticked by.

“Literature, linguistics, history,” Noah murmured. “It might not sound like much but it’s a wide bank of knowledge. If you’re worried about the fields I can apply it to, don’t be.” With a sharp inhale, Noah said, “I’ve submitted an application to a university and I’m waiting to hear back from their professor of history and literature.”

The veins in Mr. Rhodes’ neck bulged at Noah’s declaration. “What university? Without telling us?”

“Richard, that’s enough.”

“How could I tell you when you haven’t listened to a word I said.”

“You should have said something.”

“So that you can call it pointless again? No, thanks.”

“Stop!” Amber yelled, surprised her voice carried so loudly. It worked though. Every eye turned to her. She squeezed her napkin as they focused on her, praying for the strength to help Noah. “Stop fighting each other. It’s only going to keep driving you apart and you’ll end up hurting each other.”

Her eyes coasted across the table, bouncing between Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes. “Noah didn’t say this to hurt you. He’s been agonizing over telling you the truth for so long. Don’t drive him away by not listening. Mr. Rhodes, you want Noah to make something of himself. You want him to have a stable job and a happy life, and he knows that. But you can’t always choose for him. You can’t choose for us. We’re teenagers, we can be unruly and rebellious and stubborn but we know what we want. We just never say it because we’re scared of disappointing you or making you angry when all we want is for you to cheer us on. You’ve done the very best you can as parents but we don’t want to be controlled. Yeah, we might choose the wrong path or stumble and fall, but those won’t matter when we know you’re on the sidelines, watching, cheering and giving us the strength to pick ourselves up. We’re asking you to let go. We know it won’t be easy but we will always need you there, holding us up and loving us even with our faults, our mistakes, our failures.”

The room was silent when she finished. Her hands trembled in her lap and Amber vaguely noticed the tears that had spilled onto her cheeks. Her heart ached in her chest, the words long buried now out in the open. She glanced around the dining room with bleary eyes, her eyes appreciating the hanging portraits and warm colors that were missing in her house.

“You have a lovely home. Don’t let this be what tears your family apart because it will be too late to recover from that damage.” She should know. She lived in a broken home.

Amber swiped at her cheeks and stood. “Please excuse me.”

She hurried out of the room and through the front door before anyone could say a word. The tears spilled down her cheek one after the other even as she tried them under control. She sucked in a deep breath, then let it loose at the opening of the door behind her.

“I’m sorry,” she said when a glance back showed it was Noah who had followed her. “You probably regret inviting me to stay.”

Noah didn’t say a thing, instead his arms came around her from behind. They encircled her waist, blocking out the slight chill in the air as he squeezed her. Amber wondered if he could feel how hard her heart was beating in her chest.

“Noah?”

He squeezed her tighter, but she wouldn’t complain. She sank into him when he nuzzled into her hair, his breath tickling her neck. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t have found the courage to say any of that without you. You’re my saving grace. You always have been.”

The tears that slipped from her eyes were no longer those of embarrassment or sadness. She twisted in his arms, her arms wrapping around him and digging into his shirt.

“I can hardly save myself. I kept running from the truth, denying myself of everything I wanted to make everyone else happy. I was scared I’d end up dragging you down with me. I was so stupid to push you away.”

Noah hugged her tighter. “No more apologizing, Amber. I forgave you the moment I closed the door behind me.”

She would continue to wonder how she had ever misconstrued this boy with the kindest heart for someone cold and uncaring. A few moments later, she sighed and dropped her hands. “We should go in. We left in the middle of dinner.” She took his hand and intertwined it with his like he was her lifeline.

He withdrew reluctantly, his hands running through her loose hair, combing the locks from her shoulder. “You ready to do this? For real this time. It’s you and me, m’lady.”

She smiled, nervousness coursing through her. It was strange how light she felt. They wouldn’t be walking in there alone. They had each other. There wasn’t anything better than that.

“You and me, always.”

“My father used to be a lecturer. He passed when I was a little girl, but I remember how eager he was to learn everything he could about the history of things, the origin of them, the You have that same thirst for knowledge he did. I’m sorry I didn’t see it earlier.”

Mrs. Rhodes wiped her eyes over her son’s shoulder. She’d met them at the entrance where she’d drawn her son in for a hug. Behind her, Noah’s dad and brother looked equally as remorseful.

“It broke my heart to hear you say you couldn’t understand what was wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you, Noah. You are my son and I love you. I’m sorry I made you think you couldn’t talk to me about any of this. I can’t imagine how long you carried this burden.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Noah sunk into his mother despite the slight height difference. She couldn’t see his face but she hoped it was as content as his voice portrayed. “I’m sorry for pushing you out when you were trying to understand. I made myself unreachable and that wasn’t fair to you.”

“The blame is on us, son,” Mr. Rhodes spoke. He stepped closer to his family, laying a hand on Noah’s shoulder. “I pushed for my selfish reasons. I wanted to make you into your brother and I when you are unique on your own. How long have I been so blind?”

His mom gave him some distance as they waited for his answer. Come on, Noah, she silently cheered him on.

“I didn’t want to be student body president but you were so adamant about it that I had to give in. I focused hard on my studies, I became valedictorian, and I got the position. But it was never truly mine. Everywhere I went, I was reminded that I was less popular, less helpful, less friendly than Ronan. It took so long to become indifferent to it, but every now and then, it feels like everyone played favorites and I lost.” He looked up at his brother. “That’s why I stopped picking your calls when you went off to college. You were gone but no one forgot you, both at school and at home. I didn’t get to earn my spotlight. It felt like I was constantly living in yours. It made me resent you and because of me, we drifted apart. I’m so sorry.”

“We’re the ones that should be sorry.” Mr. Rhodes blinked heavily. “I’m sorry for being so tough on you when you didn’t deserve it. I didn’t see the battles you faced. I was careless with your feelings and scarred you in the process.”

“You father and I don’t have favorites. We love our children equally and immeasurably. For you to feel that way, we failed you. We’re so sorry.”

“I took it hard when you shut me out.” Ronan nudged forward, his voice somber as he stared at his brother. “We used to do everything together, and I fooled myself into thinking things would fix themselves when I should have looked for a deeper meaning. I’m so sorry for making you feel less than. In truth, I felt jealous of you.”

Noah jerked back. “What?”

Ronan’s lips tipped up. “You have the perfect grades, amazing friends who would do anything for you and you’re so certain and sure. I could never sit still to get the right instructions. It’s why I sat for my final exam twice in high school.”

“You told me you got a job that summer.”

“Well, I couldn’t tell my little bro the truth. I thought you’d never look at me the same knowing I’d failed when you aced all your exams every time.”

“Because I wanted to be like you. People praised you for doing it the right way that I thought it would be the same for me if I followed your footsteps. I wanted to show everyone I could be as good as you.”

“But you never needed to, Noah. All you needed to be was yourself.”

“He’s right.” Mrs. Rhodes sniffled. “You are unique for the things you love and who you are, not the person you are trying to emulate. No one is without their faults. You were both growing into young men who needed guidance. As your parents, we were supposed to provide. We’re so sorry for not being there for you.”

“Amber gave a convincing speech.” It jolted her to hear her name mentioned by Mr. Rhodes. “She was right. It’s time I stopped controlling your life for you. But your mother and I will always be here for anything you need. We love you and we want the best for you. It’s okay if our best isn’t aligned with what will bring out your best. You have a choice, and we’ll be cheering for you all the way.”

“Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Mom.” Ronan broke into a smile, rushing for Noah. “Now come on, it’s been a long time since I hugged my brother.”

The happy atmosphere had returned, even if it filled the entryway and not the dining room. It was the people within a house that made it a home. And these special people had made a wonderful one.

Amber wiped at the stream of tears on her face, feeling lucky that she was privy to such a beautiful moment. Would it be so hard for her and her mom to set aside their differences and replicate this moment. She hadn’t hugged her mom in six years, for crying out loud.

“You know,” Noah spoke up from the family huddle. “Amber gave me the courage to open up to you. I would have continued to suffer in silence if not for her.”

Her eyes widened. What was he saying? He was the brave one. He’d faced his fears and told them his dream. He’d confronted his pain. He was the real winner tonight.

Mrs. Rhodes smiled at her, setting Amber at ease instantly. “I knew I had a good feeling about you from the moment you came here. Thank you for making my family whole again.”

“Come on over. It’s a family group hug, right?” Mr. Rhodes stepped away. They widened their arms, carving a space for her in their home, in their hearts, in their family.

Amber had always thought herself undeserving of love. That was why she couldn’t easily accept compliments and praises. She didn’t get what she did to earn them. But maybe all they’d wanted was to let her know they appreciated her being there.

Noah stared at her, eyes shining as she stepped into the space they’d created for her. His arm went over her shoulder and Mrs. Rhodes hugged her close by her waist. She didn’t need a grand gesture or to fulfill huge expectations. She had been at the right place at the right time and she’d gotten what her heart hungered for.

Warmth.

Peace.

Love.

Family.