Chapter Twelve
“THIS IS FOR ALL OF you out there who feel trapped in an emotional prison, uncertain of how to escape, or perhaps too afraid to try because you’ve become comfortably numb.” Brooke’s captivating voice resonated through my AirPods as I ran along the lakeshore in the cool evening air Tuesday night, in a futile attempt to distance myself from thoughts of her.
Listening to her latest podcast episode was a terrible choice if my goal was to forget her.
Hell, I hardly knew what I really wanted anymore. My desires shifted with the wind. One second, I yearned to see Brooke, to bask in her presence. The next, I berated myself for craving her company so desperately. I’d purposely stayed away from her the last couple of days. But it wasn’t just her company I wanted, and that was where my true dilemma lay.
“As strange as it may seem, prisons can feel safe,” Brooke continued. “Our minds and hearts are designed to protect us, often building barriers to shield us from pain, even to our detriment. These mental barriers create a sanctuary, giving us a sense of control when things feel chaotic. However, they also prevent us from fully experiencing our lives. We must find a balance between self-protection and the vulnerability needed to feel and process our pain.”
Once again, I felt as if she were speaking directly to me. Perhaps this time, she truly was. I wouldn’t put it past her to tailor a podcast episode toward me, knowing that I might listen to it.
Part of me wished I had never told her that. The way her face lit up when I had made me want to pull her to me and share in her light and kiss her until I wanted to smile again. Then I heard Erica say, “You really are going to be one of those guys. I can’t believe it.”
I couldn’t believe it either, but I wouldn’t act on those thoughts and feelings. At least that was what I kept telling myself.
“I’ve always found it helps to share your pain. It doesn’t seem as scary then. Hurt out loud. Scream if you have to.” She laughed that melodious laugh of hers. “Just let it out so it doesn’t keep you comfortably numb. Because as pacifying as it may be, remember you’re only numbing the pain, and no anesthetic lasts forever. The pain will still be waiting for you. It’s best to meet it on your terms. I love you, my friends, wherever you are. Now, I think it’s only fitting that we listen to the classic ‘Comfortably Numb’ by none other than Pink Floyd, the British rock band that ...”
Brooke went on to talk about the band. While it was interesting, my thoughts kept drifting back to her wise words. How was she so damn smart and so damn crazy at the same time? I laughed to myself, recalling all her strange questions and how she would say whatever she was thinking with zero filter.
But once again, she was right. I was keeping myself numb. Numb to facing what a life without Erica looked like. Numb to admitting that maybe life with Erica hadn’t been as perfect as I’d made it out to be—that there were problems we should have addressed. Numb to my attraction to Brooke.
I wished, like the song’s title, there was comfort in it, but I felt anything but comfortable living in this detached state. It wasn’t me, but I felt so lost. Unless I was with Brooke—but feeling alive around her only caused me further angst and guilt, which made me hold back when I was with her. But even then, she broke through my defenses.
Once I reached my house I stopped running, removed my AirPods, and took a moment to catch my breath. My gaze shifted to the tranquility of the lake, its gentle waves lapping against the shoreline. The sky was ablaze with vibrant shades of pink and orange, providing a stunning landscape. The kind I remembered from my childhood. I waded into the water up to my calves, feeling the cold seep through my shoes, cooling me off.
“What are you doing?” Eden called.
I turned to find her walking my way. “Just thinking.”
She waded out with me and nudged me with her hip. “What about?”
“Life, I guess. Remember when Mom brought us out here after Dad died, we all waded out into the lake, and she said, ‘Things have changed, but it doesn’t mean life won’t be good. It will just be a different good’ ? She was right, but it’s a lot easier to believe that when you’re a kid. I wonder why that is?”
“Probably because we were naive.” Eden laughed a subdued laugh.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just Sophie is talking to Luca. And ... it’s still hard to hear him be so happy without us. Well, without me. Of course he misses Sophie like crazy, but he’s off adventuring with her .” Eden’s voice changed pitch. “They’re on a layover on their way to Milan for a dance competition. One we were supposed to compete in together. I hope they trip and fall, or he drops her. Does that sound petty?”
“Nah. I wish much worse for them.” I put my arm around Eden, and she turned into me, shaking. “Hey, you’re going to have a different good.”
“I want to believe that,” Eden cried. “Sometimes I even do.”
I hated that she was upset, but I was glad she felt comfortable opening up to me. It made me feel like a real person again. Like her big brother. The guy who always used to do his best to protect her.
“Eden, your life is going to be better than good. I promise.”
She clung tighter to me. “Thanks for letting Sophie and me crash here this summer. I just needed this place.”
“Me too.”
“Remember when Dad would tell us a day at the lake will solve almost any ill? I think he lied.” She laughed.
“It’s not a bad view, though.”
“No, it’s not.” She looked out over the horizon. “I love this place. I always have. ”
“Our happy place,” I sighed, not feeling all that happy.
“You know.” Eden looked up at me. “You’re going to get your different good too.”
“I’m working on it.”
“Are you really?” She was skeptical, for good reason.
“Yeah, I’m trying.”
“Then why did you give your coworker Brooke’s number?”
I should have seen this coming. I blew out a large breath. “That’s not exactly what happened. Dr. Everett asked if I’d be willing to pass along his number to Brooke, and I did. She chose to call him.”
“It doesn’t matter how the number got passed along. They’re going on a date.” Eden sounded dramatically horrified.
“So?” I let go of Eden, clenching my fists, pretending to be unaffected by this news. I could have predicted this turn of events, given Brooke’s starry eyes on Sunday, when she looked at Dr. McDreamy or whatever it was she’d called him. I was thinking more like Dr. McDouchebag. Brooke was there to see me on Sunday, but the way he’d flirted with her as she left, you’d never know it.
“So?” Eden spat. “You’re being an idiot. It’s obvious you like her.”
“What’s not to like?” I mumbled.
“That’s my point. Why haven’t you asked her out?”
“She’s too young for me, and my wife died, and all Brooke wants is a summer fling.” I listed every excuse I could think of. “Besides, Dr. Everett is more her speed and closer to her age.”
Eden rolled her eyes. “More her speed? What does that even mean? And you wouldn’t be breaking any age-gap records if you dated. Not even close. You’re both in your thirties.”
“She was nine when I started college.”
“Oh, my gosh, call the news. What a scandal,” Eden mocked me.
“Please, just drop it. I’m not dating Brooke.”
“That’s a shame. I think she’d be good for you. And maybe a fling is exactly what you need. All fun and no commitment. It’s not a bad way to get back on the horse.”
“Then maybe you should have a fling,” I zinged back at her.
“Uh, hello, I’m a mom of a preteen girl. What kind of example would that set? Besides, I like dancing solo. You don’t. ”
I wasn’t sure I was buying what she was selling, but I didn’t argue with her. Regardless ... “I don’t want to be one of those guys.”
“What does that mean?”
“You know, the guys who date younger women to feel better about themselves.”
“But that’s not what you would be doing.”
“It doesn’t matter. That’s what it would look like. And I don’t know how Erica would feel about it. It’s barely been a year since she died. And she and Brooke are so different from each other. What does that say about me, about my relationship with Erica?”
“Is that what you’re worried about? That you’d be hurting Erica? Or is there more? Were you guys having problems?”
“No. Not really. It’s complicated. I loved her more than anything.”
“No one is questioning that. But it doesn’t mean you can’t love again. Erica wasn’t your first love.”
“But she was supposed to be my last.” Emotion strangled my words.
“Oh, Logan.” Eden rubbed my arm. “I’m so sorry. We all miss Erica, even if sometimes she was a pain in the butt,” she said lightheartedly, although it was true. Erica enjoyed having things her way. But her ways were usually amazing. She was a perfectionist at heart.
“I know sometimes she came off as brash, but her heart was always in the right place. She just wanted things to turn out well.”
“I know,” Eden sympathized. “Honestly, I admired her headstrong ways. Sometimes, I wished I could be more like her in that regard. But just because Brooke is different from Erica, it doesn’t mean you should write her off. Maybe Erica came into your life when she did because that’s what you needed at the time. And maybe Brooke is here now because perhaps you need some crazy in your life.” Eden laughed.
Erica was amazing, helping me through my residency and entering my first practice, where I became a partner. She was a driving force and my biggest cheerleader at the time. Brooke was the cheerleader type in her own regard—a chaotic cheerleader with sage wisdom. But ... “Brooke just wants to be my friend, and I think that’s wise for both of us.” The words felt a little hollow.
Eden sighed. “I know that’s what Brooke says, and I think she means it, but I also have a feeling that if you were to give her some encouragement, she would easily change her mind.”
“She’s dating my coworker,” I grumbled.
“Brooke is going on a date with him. She’s not dating him.”
“It could be heading in that direction. Brooke was definitely smitten by him. She called him Dr. McDreamy.”
Eden snort laughed. “I bet she would think the same of you if you’d let her.”
“I think she referred to me as Dr. McCure.” Admittedly, I had been hoping for something a little sexier.
“That’s good .” Eden exaggerated, not believing it for one second.
“It’s fine. I’m sure Dr. Everett will be the perfect summer fling for Brooke, and then she’ll leave.”
“Is that what’s really bothering you? Brooke is going to leave?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m mourning for the good I had, all the while feeling guilty for wondering if there is a different good out there for me.”
“Don’t feel guilty about that, Logan. I think I can confidently say that Erica would want you to have a different good.”
“So different from her, though? Could you imagine what Erica’s parents, or our friends, would think if I dated someone like Brooke?”
Eden scrunched up her face and mulled it over. “So, it might give them heartburn at first, but if Brooke or someone like her made you happy, I think they would come around. Besides, I think Brooke could win almost anyone over. Even your stuffy in-laws,” she laughed.
William and Karen, Erica’s parents, were pretty stuffy, but I loved and respected them. “I’m not sure they would ever approve of someone like Brooke.”
“But do they need to?” Eden asked, carefully.
“It’s a moot point, sis. Brooke will find her summer fling, and it won’t be me.” Everywhere the woman went, someone wanted to ask her out.
“All I’m going to say is you sound disappointed by that.”
She wasn’t entirely wrong.