Chapter 23 - Adrian
Every day without her is a living version of hell.
But the nights are worse.
At least during the day, there are things happening. Things to distract me and pull my thoughts off her, even if it’s only for a brief second. Those seconds of relief are helping me survive.
At night, I don’t have that luxury. It’s quiet and dark, and the house is empty, and my head is flooded with her. Her smile. Her scent. Her laughter. Everything that I have lost. Everything that I pushed away because I was stupid enough to repeat the past.
I have to force myself to eat. I have to force myself to lie down when I need to sleep, even though it’s mostly pointless. At least my body is resting despite the fact that I toss and turn.
Sleep is a dream. I hardly know what it feels like to be rested anymore.
When the sun rises, I try to recall if I got any sleep or not the night before, before I drag myself out of bed to face the day, because there is nothing else I can do. I have to keep moving forward somehow.
Although I am tempted to fade away into nothing, I still have tasks to do. Something that I would never trust to someone else. I have to monitor it and track the progress constantly. I manage things and make sure nothing is missed.
Firstly, I want to know where she is. Not to force her back.
Not even to force her to talk to me. But just to know she is ok.
I’m driving my teams crazy with how often I follow up.
Have you found her? Have you heard anything new?
Are there any sightings? Are you watching the highway exits?
Are you tracking the airports? The train stations?
Do you have someone at the yacht club? What if she left my boat?
If she’s in the city, where are you looking?
I am harassing them. But I can’t stop myself. I’m driving myself crazy doing it. So, I can’t imagine how frustrated they are with me.
The second task that is consuming me is finding out who killed her father. I don’t particularly care about the old man. It’s not about him. It’s not above avenging him or righting a wrong. What happened happened, and it happened because of the lifestyle he chose.
My concern is for her.
My gut feeling is that she might be in danger from the same people.
Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m being paranoid.
But I’d rather get to the bottom of it and get proper answers, instead of just assuming and regretting it later.
I want to be one step ahead. Right now, I feel like I’m ten steps behind.
If she is in danger, I will need to find her before they do.
I don’t bother turning the bathroom light on when I walk into it. The dim light makes it easier to hide in. Even this, though, is too bright. It’s too confrontational.
I flick the shower on and start peeling my shirt off because I can’t fall asleep and wake up in the same clothes for a third day.
Not that I slept. But still. It’s not the point.
While steam fills the room, I stare at my reflection in the mirror above the basin. My eyes are dark. Shadows sit beneath them, making my face look older. Drained.
It’s like she was the light inside me, and it’s been snuffed out. Stolen away. But it wasn’t stolen. Nothing was stolen from me. I lost that because of my own actions.
I am the only one to blame.
I need to tell her how sorry I am.
No, I need to leave her alone and work in the background to make sure she’s safe.
That’s all I need to do.
Leave her to live her life and protect her from behind the curtains.
I’ve envisioned it a number of times over the past few days.
How I would watch her secretly. I’d help her get the best job.
The best apartment. A safe car. I’d do it in ways she wouldn’t suspect.
I’d watch her live a happy life. Maybe she’d meet someone… fall in love…
But that is the part where I falter.
Because how could I possibly watch that and not interfere?
She belongs to me. She’s mine. She is my world.
But it’s something I’m going to have to come to terms with at some point.
Sighing, I shake my head at the man in the mirror. I don’t recognize him.
He needs a shave. He needs sleep. He needs to get a fucking grip.
I’m still craving spaghetti bolognese.
It’s crazy that I have made it every night since she left, and I still crave it. But not the one I make. The one she makes. The one I make is like a teaser, a taster that whets your appetite for the main course. And every time I eat it, I am reminded that I will never have that craving satisfied.
It’s not the spaghetti I’m craving. I understand that fully.
A surge of anger shoots through me in pure defiance, and I growl at my own reflection.
“Enough!” I shout at myself. “Enough self-pity. Pull your fucking self together and figure out how to keep her safe!”
What good am I to her if I’m a complete fucking wreck?
That’s what I am. I won’t even try to deny it. I am a wreck right now.
An hour later, when I walk down the stairs, I am clean-shaven and dressed in a slick black suit. I smell like a man who is ready for whatever the day has in store for him, instead of like a man who hasn’t got the strength to leave the house.
As I pass the kitchen, I grab my car keys off the counter and head straight for the door. I’ll get a coffee on the way. Having decided to leave the house, I came to realize just how claustrophobic it’s been hiding out in here. Hiding from myself, my own stupid mistakes.
I’m not going to sit in my home office again, hunched over the computer searching for answers.
Today I’m going to start speaking to people face-to-face.
I know myself.
I know what I’m capable of.
And I will find out what happened to her father, and I will make sure nothing happens to her.
The first person I want to see is Antonio. We’re going to triple the budget for the investigation into her father’s death. I want more teams on this. I want this city torn apart until someone speaks.
The morning traffic is beginning to thin out, but I still sit in some of it.
It gives me time to think as I watch people going about their daily lives.
It’s been ages since the ground wasn’t iced over.
Winter is calming down. I roll down the car window and lean my arm outside.
The air is sharp and crisp. I can smell the city. My city.
Again, the surge of defiance shoots through me. This is my city, and I will get to the bottom of all of this.
When I arrive at the warehouse, Antonio is waiting for me on the main floor.
“Boss, you’re looking…” he hesitates, not wanting to insult me, I presume.
“No news?” I ask immediate.
“No, not since you asked an hour ago,” he says, then presses his mouth together tightly as though he realizes he might have crossed a line.
I sigh and push my hand through my hair.
“Look, man, I know I’ve been a fucking psycho lately.
I’m driving everyone crazy. But I’m ready to put the proper effort in now. ”
“What were you thinking?” he asks, folding his arms across his chest.
“Three more teams. I know it’s excessive, but we’re moving too slowly as it is. I want three more teams making their way through each establishment. Everyone needs to be questioned,” I say sternly.
“More men, further reach. I hear you.”
He’s known me for a long time. Antonio can read me well, which is why he doesn’t argue now.
“And I want two more teams on the search for her,” I add quietly.
He swallows, clenching his jaw.
“That would be all our men. Is it wise to…”
“Antonio, it wasn’t a request. I want her found,” I snarl.
His eyes go wide with shock. His arms unfold in slow motion, and I realize he’s not even looking at me. He’s looking over my shoulder.
Frowning, I spin to see what has him so astonished.
My chest explodes with surprise.
“Athena,” I whisper, staring at her, wondering if I’ve finally completely lost my mind and I’ve started hallucinating.
“Hi,” she smiles tightly, standing in the warehouse, her arms hugged around herself as she nervously shifts from one foot to the other.
Her hair is pulled up into a mess bun. She’s wearing blue jeans and pink sneakers. Beneath her thick pink coat, she is wearing a grey hoodie. The sleeves are a little too long, and she’s fidgeting with them as they cover her fingers.
She looks sweet and innocent and so fucking beautiful I could fall to my knees in front of her.
“Hi,” I say, taking a step toward her.
“I’ll be…in the office,” Antonio says from behind me, excusing himself.
Athena takes a nervous breath as I stand next to her, looking down into her dark green eyes, wondering how I survived so many days without seeing them.
“How are you?” I ask quietly.
“I’m, um, ok. It’s been a really long week,” she laughs, still tense. Her fingers tug at the edges of her hoodie sleeve.
“It’s been the longest week,” I agree, letting out a long sigh. “Did you want to talk?”
She nods.
“Can I take you to breakfast?” I ask, reaching my hand toward her, then pulling it back.
“No, I need to say this now. I don’t want to wait anymore.”
My jaw clenches tightly. She sounds nervous, like she’s coming to say her final goodbyes, and it’s difficult for her. Please, no. Let it not be that.
“I really missed you,” she blurts out, catching me completely by surprise.
“You missed me?” I repeat dumbly.
She nods. “I wanted to stop thinking about you because I was angry. I was really, really angry and hurt, and I thought I could just move on and forget about you… But that’s not what happened, so I had to come and see you.”
I nod, finally understanding. “You needed closure,” I say miserably.
She sighs, unfolding her arms but still fidgeting. “When I left that morning, I phoned Anka. I asked her to help me because I didn’t know who else to call. She’s really amazing. And she understood what I was going through because of… You know… the past.”
“My sister helped you?” I say in shock.
“She came to fetch me, and she let me stay in her apartment in the city, right near your place. Very close,” she half smiles.
“I know the one,” I nod.
“Don’t be mad at her.” She looks up at me, and my breath is stolen at the sight of her stare.
“I’m not. I’m actually grateful that she was there for you.
She kept you safe. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
But Athena, I can help you now. If you want an apartment, I will get you one.
I can give you a monthly allowance, enough for you to have everything you want.
You can do whatever makes you happy. I just want the chance to make it up to you, to make things right, even if you have to leave.
I want to know you’re ok,” I say, hardly taking a breath to pause.
She shakes her head. “I don’t want an apartment.”
My heart sinks.
“Let me help you, though. I never meant to hurt you. I made a stupid decision, and I regret it. I can’t even explain to you how much I regret it.
Let me at least help you. I know money doesn’t solve things.
It doesn’t make what I did right. But I can make your life easier, you know.
I was only trying to keep you safe. But in hindsight, keeping a secret like that from you…
I understand why you left. I understand why you can’t stay with me,” I say tensely.
Reaching out, I take her hand, pushing the cuff of her long sleeve back so that I can wrap my fingers between hers. “I’m so sorry, Athena. I truly am.”
“I appreciate your apology. And I can see that you meant it. But you are misunderstanding me when I say I don’t want you to help me get an apartment.”
“Oh, is there some other way I can help you?” I ask, confused.
“Yes, I was thinking maybe you would clear some space in your bedroom closets, so I don’t have to keep my stuff in the spare room anymore, and we could… we could share the one room?”
My eyes shoot wide in shock.
“You want to move back in?” I blurt out.
She giggles at my reaction. “Yes, I would like to move back in,” she says.
I grab her other hand and tug her closer.
Wrapping my arms around her, I hold her tightly against me, wondering how the hell I got this lucky. Her body melts against mine, and relief washes over me like a tidal wave, drowning me in happiness. I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is really happening.
I pull her away from me and take her face in my hand, tilting it up toward me.
“I will never mess up like that again. I swear it. I’ll never be that stupid,” I assure her.
She grins and bites her lip.
I press my lips against hers, and for the first time in days, my body feels alive again. It feels whole and complete.
She threads her arms around my waist and hugs me tightly, burying her face against my chest.
“I have fallen in love with you, Adrian,” she says, muffled against my shirt.
“You have?” I ask, hoping that I heard her right.
She looks up, grinning. “I very much have,” she says.
I stroke my fingers over her cheek. “I am very much in love with you, kitten,” I grin at her.
She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me again.
My heart explodes in my chest.
In this moment, everything is perfect.