Chapter 31
The poundingon the door rivaled the pounding in my head. I stood up, lost my footing, and forced myself back up again. Ash had already been gone for hours, but it felt like days. I wanted to kick myself for throwing him out, but I couldn’t stop the little voice in my head that said I’d made the right decision. At least I wouldn’t get played like Enzo and Benito. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain I felt when I came home to all of Sarah-Lynn’s shit gone.
It’s better this way. Come on, get the fuck over it.
I dragged the bottle off my desk and headed down the stairs. My ankle rolled. I reached out, grabbing the banister as my bottle fell, shattering all over the steps. I grunted as I tried to right myself, and my ankle throbbed.
“Motherfucker!” I yelled. “Goddamn bullshit ass stairs!”
I punched the banister. My fists throbbed lightly, but the booze dulled the pain. Limping, I continued making my way downstairs as my ankle pulsed. I stepped over the glass, ignoring the crunch of it under my feet, not giving a damn if a piece ended up in my foot.
The house was eerily quiet.
There was no tv playing, and no music in the kitchen. Ash wasn’t singing loudly and off-key to one of the rap songs I loved to listen to so much. He wasn’t doing that thing where he shook his ass without even realizing it when he sang along. There were no puppy dog eyes, crooked smile, or warm hands. Nothing.
I limped toward his room and sucked in a sharp breath. For a split second, I almost reverted to the old ways and put my head through the fucking wall. However, I already knew Benito would figure that out, and it was an instant trip to the hospital. I couldn’t be fucking locked up again.
“Fuck.”
I stared into Ash’s room before I flipped the switch. Light flooded the space. It was like he’d never left. More than once, I’d told him he could move all his stuff up to my room, but he insisted he didn’t want to take up my space. Now, everything was just the way it was when he was home earlier. Clothes neatly hung up in the closet, several pairs of shoes I’d snuck out and purchased him lined the bottom of the bed on the floor, and his water glass was still on the nightstand. A smile tugged at my lips.
Little shit refuses to drink the bottle shit unless he’s desperate.
It always had to be water from the fridge, with extra ice, and if it wasn’t almost overflowing, he pulled a face. Did he even know he was so particular? That he was a pain in the ass, but that I loved it? He became so unlike that fake, bullshit image of him when we met. He was alive. Ash wanted things, demanded things, smiled at me when he was being a manipulative little shit, and I loved it all. To see the real him had been some of the best times of my life.
And now he was gone.
Bile rose in the back of my throat as I wavered. Fuck this shit. I needed to get his crap out of my place so I could stop thinking about him. Go drown my sorrows at Blu or maybe go to the brothel and pick up something to distract me. Anything was better than the never-ending searing pain that tore through my chest and made me want to scream.
I pushed off the wall and beelined for the kitchen. The first heave happened over the sink. Every bit of food I’d eaten ejected from my body until I couldn’t bring anything else up. My throat burned, I coughed, and I finally sat up. Panting, I grabbed a glass and rinsed out my mouth with tap water. I took to the bathroom to brush my teeth before I ended up right back in the kitchen again and found a bottle of vodka. It didn’t matter that I’d been sucking down tequila before. I didn’t care.
I wasn’t sure what drew me back to Ash’s room, but there I was. Wavering, lingering, surrounded by that smell that was uniquely him. It wasn’t cologne, soap, or shampoo; it was the way his skin smelled when I buried my nose into the crook of his neck. The way I sang to him sometimes while he laughed and begged me to shut up before his ears bled. My chest tightened, the air sucked right out of me. I stumbled forward until I sank onto the bed.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”
My eyes wouldn’t stop burning, but I refused to be a little bitch and cry. I laid back. My head hit something. I sat back up, turned around, and plucked up the box that was sitting there. How had I missed this before? I shook the box before pulling the ribbon that encased it. Carefully, I removed the top.
There was an envelope on top that had my name written on it. Giancarlo. My fingers ran over the letters. It was Ash’s writing; delicate, hesitant, and slanted. Slowly, I turned the envelope over and opened it. A card slipped out. The red and white card was littered with little pink hearts. I laughed immediately.
“What the fuck is this?”
Giancarlo,
I really don’t know what to say. You always know what you want to say and can speak without even thinking. Sometimes that’s a bad thing, but I really think I like it. It’s like you’re free in ways nobody else will ever be. I’m jealous of that. Never thought I would admit that, but I’m writing this just the way you speak. Without thinking. I’ve had this gift for over a month now, but I couldn’t figure out when to give it to you. At first, I was going to have it delivered and let you find it, but I stole it before you could see it. The timing wasn’t right. You took me driving that day, and I wanted to give it to you then too. And that restaurant, the one with the awesome burgers and country music? I thought maybe that was the perfect time. I don’t know why I didn’t give it to you. Maybe I’m scared. Anytime I’ve ever wanted something, it’s been snatched away from me. I guess I’m too nervous. No, I’m too much of a coward to tell you the truth in person because every time I try, I fuck up and forget how to move my lips. I love you. I don’t know when I fell in love with you because, honestly, you’re annoying as hell. You’re pushy, annoying, loud, annoying, ridiculous, and annoying. Those stupid nicknames you give me alone! (I secretly love them. You took the time to give me dumb nicknames. I’ve never had that before). Even with all of your many, many, many, many, many, many, MANY flaws, I still love you. I don’t want to leave your side. Even once I pay you back, can I stay? Please? I want to be here with you.
God, this is embarrassing. I don’t even know if I’ll give you this letter. “Who writes a fucking letter?” I can already hear you saying that now. Anyway, if I don’t, then this is just me getting my feelings out because I’m too much of a little bitch to do it in person. And if I don’t give it to you? Well, then, you’ll never know. But I’ll still love you.
Ash
P.S. Look inside your present for the best surprise ever.
I couldn’t swallow around the lump in my throat. Ash suddenly stood before me. He said he loved me. And I shot him down.
I was the worst asshole on Earth. My breathing was shaky as I felt wetness cling to my cheeks. Hands shaking, I opened the box. Inside were a pair of red leather gloves. Not the cheap shit either, high-end. There was another tiny little note under the gloves.
I bought these with my own money so don’t you DARE think I used the money you gave me. I refuse to owe you another dime, you damn loan shark!
There was a little smiley face at the end, and I barked out a bitter laugh. When it came to Ash, there was never any malice in his words. He knew what I was, he accepted me. I grabbed my stomach, trying to calm the ache. Why did you have to go behind my back? I didn’t get it. He loved me this much, wanted me so much, but he lied, day after day, he lied to my fucking face. What was I supposed to think?
I shifted the gloves, running my fingers over the smooth material. Opening them, I looked inside before I choked. Puppy!
“Everyone’s a damn comedian,” I laughed, looking at that label for way too long.
I knew he was making fun of me, calling me his puppy, but the truth was all I could think about was wearing those gloves with his nickname inside. Knowing that he was close to me, even as I put down wild dogs and kept my family safe. I slipped my hands into them, feeling the comfort, the lightweightness, the luxury. Ash had gone out of his way to get me something amazing. I quickly ripped them off.
“Fuck!”
I shot up, grabbing the bottle of vodka as I limped out of his room. Fuck it. I couldn’t take another second of being in that space where the air smelled like him, and the gloves, stark red and flashy just like me, stood out, accusing me of everything I’d done wrong. I turned, my fist crashing into the wall beside his room. Again, again, and again I punched as my hand throbbed in protest.
A strangled cry left my throat. I couldn’t stop. Had I really just lost the only man I’d ever fallen in love with? Even with the threat, the possibility that he could be playing me and might screw my family and me over looming overhead, I didn’t care. I just wanted him back in my arms, on my lap, wrapped around me while he told me all the filthy things he wanted to do to me before snuggling against my body sore and spent.
“Stop. Hey, stop it! Gin!”
My ears rang as the world around me came back into view. Benito had me slammed against the wall, my back pressed firmly to it as he grabbed my arms and held them there. I pushed against him, trying to break free, but I couldn’t. The more I tried, the more force he exerted. My brother was two or three inches shorter than me, and he could still pin me. Fucking annoying.
“Breathe,” he said.
Instantly, my mind went to Ash. His hands on my cheeks, the warmth radiating through me as he said that same word. Breathe. He’d said it, and I sucked in a deep breath and came up sputtering water like a drowning man. Benito saying it felt like I was mired in quicksand, struggling to breathe through mud and dirt, but still fucking fighting. Not actually giving in and feeling better. I loved my brother more than life itself. But I needed Ash.
“Look at me. Hey, look at me!” Benito grabbed my chin until I stared into his eyes. “What happened?”
“He’s gone,” I finally choked out.
Benito looked around. The truth seemed to dawn on him before his eyes cut back to me.
“Where is he?”
“I kicked him out.”
Benito frowned. “Why? I thought you liked him.”
I shoved against him, but he wouldn’t let up. “He was meeting up with his father behind my back. Giving him money and who knows what else,” I said. “What if he was feeding information to someone? I mean, I bought him,” I stressed. “If he wanted out, he could have gotten out that way. At least that’s what I thought.”
“Now, you don’t think that anymore.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“What changed your mind?”
I thought about the letter, the note, the gloves. Ash could get out if he wanted to with a little information to the feds. He didn’t have to buy me a nice present or write me a fucking letter saying he loved me. Truthfully, I doubted he even had the malice required to be that devious. All he cared about was making everyone around him happy and being by my side. I started sliding down the wall, but Benito yanked me back up.
”Hey, you’re drunk as fuck,” Benito snapped. “Calm down, and let’s think. Do you really believe he’s compromised our family?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t. Not anymore.”
“You sure?”
I shoved my palms into Benito’s chest and pushed him away from me. “Fuck you!” I snapped. “All you care about is this goddamn family and its reputation. You’ve turned me into you! A paranoid asshole who can’t be happy because I’m too goddamn worried someone’s going to stab me in the back!”
Benito’s fist collided with my face. My head whipped to the side. When I looked back, I panted, rage growing and spreading inside of me.
“Fuck you!” I shouted.
Another punch. This one made my head fall against the wall. I saw spots as I slid down and ended up in a heap. Benito always did have fists like hammers. How the hell Enzo fought with him and held his own was beyond me. Maybe it was because I could never really make myself hurt them. They had fucked up families, but mine had been golden with dad. I had shit they never would, and it ate at me, making me feel like it was somehow my fault.
“I didn’t ask you to be like me,” Benito said calmly, adjusting his jacket. “You don’t need to live your life like mine. It’s my job to look after this family, to care about you two and love you two and fucking take care of you two!” he yelled. Benito grabbed the front of my shirt. “I’ve already taken on the burden of endless pain I have to deal with. You don’t need to do that, and neither does Enzo.”
I sucked in a shuddering breath. “I don’t want to be a screwup in your eyes.”
“You’re not,” Benito said. “Sure, sometimes you fuck around, but when push comes to shove, you’re there for me. Always have been. You scare the fuck out of me when you go into your episodes, but I never put you away because I thought you were a screwup. I did it because...” He trailed off.
“Cuz of what?” I muttered.
“I was scared, okay?” he snapped. “You’re the only goddamn family I have, and I couldn’t stop you from smashing your head into walls, punching shit until your knuckles were torn up, and driving that goddamn car so fast you nearly killed yourself a handful of times. The only choice I had was to put you in there. When I threaten you, it’s because I don’t want you to go back. I need you here, with me, and so does Enzo.” Benito’s eyes clouded. “Ash needs you too. You need him. Now, where the fuck is he?”
My heart was on a rollercoaster, and Benito was asking me questions. I couldn’t even think straight anymore. Part of me wanted to punch him back as I tasted the blood on my lip, but the other part wanted to grab and hug him. Even he gave a damn about Ash. On top of that, he’d finally told me why he’d locked me away. Before, it was always met with half-truths and a lot of BS, but I got it. Even in my drunken state, I understood. If I were in his position, I probably would have done the same thing. If the roles were reversed, I would have been freaked out too.
Feels damn good to know it’s not just an image thing. He actually gives a shit.
Benito plopped down on the floor near me. He shoved a pack of cigarettes in my direction. I took it, dumped one out, and shoved it into my mouth. Benito leaned forward with his lighter. The flame flickered, dancing in the half-darkness of my empty fucking house as the end of the cigarette lit.
I sucked in a breath and blew it out. “How’d you know about me?” I asked.
“Melony called. Said I should check in on you,” he muttered as he lit up along with me. “I came right over. Traffic was a bitch.”
Frowning, I tilted my head. “Melony called you?”
“Yeah.”
“She didn’t know what happened,” I said. “How could she know?” My mind was working overtime, pushing through the slog of alcohol. “Give me your phone.”
Benito handed it over. I scrolled through until I found Melony’s name. It was late, but I needed to know when she’d talked to him. Melony had to know where he was or where he’d gone. And I needed him back.
“It’s late as fuck. Did someone die?” Mel groaned.
“Who is that?” a voice called.
I barked out a laugh. “That Chelsea? Tell her I said hey.” I whistled. “Man, you move quick, doc.”
“Giancarlo,” Melony muttered.
“The one and fucking only. Where’s my boyfriend?”
Melony paused. “Boyfriend? Is that what he is?”
“Yeah? That a problem?”
“Course not. I just wouldn’t have guessed by the way he was all broken up tonight.” She paused. “What the fuck did you do?”
My chest tightened all over again. “Watch your mouth.”
“Get fucked, Giancarlo,” she said. “I’ve never pulled punches with any of you, and I never will. That’s why every last one of you is still standing.” She sighed. “Ash left my clinic barefoot, half wet, and out of his mind. He thought he wasn’t cut out for this life. And he was crying. I thought for sure he was headed back your way.”
I shot to my feet, instantly regretting it as the room spun. Benito was up with me, his eyes narrowed as he stared. I glanced over to the entryway. Ash had bought a shoe holder because he hated tripping over the pile I left at the front door. Sure enough, his sneakers, the ones I bought him that he loved the most with the red and black designs, were still there.
“He was barefoot and crying?”
“Yeah.”
“Why the hell didn’t you call me?” I growled.
“He didn’t want you to be disturbed. Just wanted Benito to come check on you.”
My hand tightened around Benito’s phone. “Where is he?”
“I don’t know. Last I saw him, he freaked out, bolted into the rain, and that was it. He was gone before I could stop him. I’m sorry.”
My teeth ground together. “If I don’t find him in one piece, you’re going to be sorry, doc.”
I hung up the phone. Benito took it back as I stepped past him and ran up the stairs. As soon as I was dressed, I snatched up my phone and headed for the door. Stopping in my tracks, I doubled back and went into Ash’s bedroom. The gloves were still in the box. I dumped them out, tugged them onto my raw and aching hands and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“To get what’s mine,” I said as I stepped past my brother.
“You shouldn’t be out there driving.”
I turned to him. “I’m sober as fuck right now, Benito. Trust me, hearing all this shit woke me right the fuck up.” When he looked incredulous, I sighed. “Fine, I’ll walk. I need to go to Melony’s clinic and see if I can find any trace of Ash. I pulled out my phone, opening the app. “Looks like he’s still there.”
Benito nodded. “Fine. I’ll come with you.”
I shook my head. “I need to do this alone. I have to talk to him. Alone.”
My brother looked me over before he nodded. ”Fine, but stay out of trouble. Seriously, I can’t have you in the news, Gin. I won’t have you carted off to prison again. Shit, I’ll lose my mind.”
He wrapped me in his arms, his hand slamming against my back affectionately. I held onto him.
“I love you,” I muttered.
“Love you more, little brother.” He stepped back, his fingers gripping my chin. “Go get your man back.” Benito shoved a finger in my face. “Don’t get on the goddamn news, or I’m kicking your ass. Again.”
A laugh fell from my lips even as I felt them swell. “Fine, I’ll behave. Or at least I’ll try. If I have to drag that man back kicking and screaming, I’m going to do just that, though.”
My brother rolled his eyes. “Of course. At least try to be discreet. Please,” he begged.
I grinned. “You haven’t said please since we were kids, and I was holding your head under the covers while I farted.”
“Fucking animal.”
I laughed as Benito flipped me off and walked out of my house. Once he was gone, I stared at Ash’s shoes once more. Walking over, I picked them up, tucked them under my arm and headed out. Mel’s clinic wasn’t far. If I knew Ash, and I did, he was probably moping around out there. It was time for him to come home.
* * *
Melony’s clinic was dark.The building looked just like any other in New York this time of night. I stared at my phone. Three am. It had been hours since Ash left me. I glanced around the building, but Ash was nowhere in sight.
I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. The ringing set my teeth on edge as I paced. I froze as I heard a familiar sound. Ash had the stupidest ringtone, this jingling that sounded ridiculous and jaunty like a unicorn shitting out rainbows on acid. I hated it, but I swore he kept it because it made me crazy. He was a vindictive little shit when he wanted to be.
My heart squeezed. I loved that. Ash could be just as stupid and petty as I was, even if he tried to pretend that wasn’t the case.
I walked down the street, stopping when I heard his voicemail. “This is Ash. Um, yeah, sorry, I’m not here, but just like, text me or something. I guess. Or I’ll call you!”
Snorting, I shook my head. His voicemail was every bit as people-pleasing and gentle as his personality. One day I wanted to hear him tell someone to go fuck themselves just because he deserved to say those words outloud. My chest ached as I called him again. This time, I found his phone. It was lying in a pile of trash, the screen cracked but still working. I bent down and picked it up. My eyes darted around me.
“Where the fuck are you?”
The ball of nerves in my belly twisted. I wanted to find him, to make sure that he was okay. Pocketing his phone, I turned on my heels, ready to search him out. Bright headlights blinded me. I threw my hand up to shield myself, but it didn’t take away the glare. Tires screeched, people yelled, and I felt hands on me.
“Fuck off!” I growled.
If they thought they knew who I was, they were sadly mistaken. No one would keep me away from Ash. Hands tightened around my wrists, a fist met my stomach, and I was still stunned by the bright lights and the noise. My head slammed forward, connecting with a hard skull as one of the men cursed. They moved away, and I took the chance to slam my fist into someone’s face. Every instinct I had screamed for me to fight.
“Get him under control!” a man snapped. His voice was familiar. “Hurry up. We don’t want to keep his little bitch waiting. That fucker Ash is already annoying.”
My body stiffened. Just like that, all the fight left me. Hands gripped my body, lifting and shoving me toward a car, but I let it happen. Whoever these fuckers were, they had Ash. My mind raced as I was forced into a car and stumbled before I was righted. Once I was up and the doors were closed, I stared into the front seat.
Weston grinned back at me. “Hello, Giancarlo.”
Recognition dawned. I didn’t say anything as I stared at him. The smile on his lips grew, a smug look taking over his features.
I barked out a laugh. Of course, this fucker is behind it.
“Where the hell is Ash?” He didn’t answer. “Ah, I see. This is because I stuck my cock in every one of your wife’s holes. Hey, that was a long time ago. I’m a taken man now. Why don’t you, ugh—”
The wind was knocked out of me as a fist jammed into my lungs. I focused on my breathing, slumped over and trying to regain myself.
“You’re going to pay for all of your bullshit,” Weston said. “I can promise you that.”
My lungs worked overtime to try to pull in the fresh air. I stared at him through my hair. As I did, I mapped out every feature of his face. For once, I didn’t have Silvy, but that was okay. I could make do without her. In the end, I would mangle his annoying fucking face until not even his own mother would recognize him in his casket.
Weston was going to die. The moment that was done, I was grabbing Ash, taking him home, and never letting him go again.
The weight of Ash’s gloves felt heavy in my pocket. I wanted to slip them on and go to town, to feel my fists smash into bone, draw blood, and watch them piss themselves. However, I couldn’t. Without saying a word, I straightened up, leaning against the cool leather of the seat as I was smushed between two thugs. What I knew, without a doubt, was that they would take me where I wanted to be. Eventually, I would get to see Ash. When I did, I would beg him to forgive my bullshit, to love me despite all my flaws, and even if he said no, I didn’t give a fuck; he would be mine.
I loved Ash too much to ever let him go again.