45. Rhodes
45
Rhodes
D ear Paige,
I’ve been practicing being honest with how I feel.
I talked to Mom on the phone today and told her what was going on and how I felt. Mostly because, if anyone is going to keep me accountable in this journey, it’s her. We saw my dad through a tough time, but we each had our own journeys. She wasn’t all that surprised when I told her how much I love you. She said she’s always known, which made me feel even more ridiculous for thinking I was somehow hiding it.
Instead of lying about how I feel about you this time, I’m writing it out. I want to give you the space you need, but I don’t want to pretend that my feelings don’t exist. Because they do, they’re real and true and sometimes feel so big, they don’t fit inside my body.
I love you, Paige.
I always have.
And I’m not sure why I thought that was so scary to admit. I convinced myself it would be the worst possible thing to be honest about, but it’s not. It’s kind of the best. My heart feels like it’s contracting again, and I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to act like I can manage without the full breath this kind of love requires.
I like breathing, and I really like loving you.
Always,
Rhodes