30. Gus
Chapter 30
Gus
C hloe was coming over. And I was ready. I had a session with my therapist, cleaned the house, took Clem on a long hike to tire her out, and bought some very nice pregnancy-safe cheese.
It was time to lay it all out and take the next steps, regardless of how terrifying they were.
We’d been running around all week, ordering new equipment, heading out to camp, and interviewing applicants for the seasonal positions we’d recently posted. As summer slipped away, the nights got cooler, and we got closer to implementing the new plans. JJ was in her element, meeting with a sustainability consultant and talking Sam’s ear off about transitioning some of our trucks to electric.
Every day, I knew with more certainty that I was in love with Chloe. If she’d have me, I would do anything to make her and the baby happy. But first, I had to convince her to give me a real shot.
The years and the distance and all the misunderstandings were irrelevant. Unimportant.
She was back.
She’d come back.
This was my chance.
I’d been patient, and I’d played the long game, but now it was all coming together.
More and more, I’d seen her smile, heard her laughter. The feel of her hair between my fingers sent bolts of affection straight to my heart, and the way she squeezed my hand when she got nervous bolstered my confidence in the connection between us.
She’d been here less than two months, and already, I’d fallen wildly in love with her again. This time, the love was deeper, more mature.
As Clem greeted her with a wagging tail, I pulled her into my arms and kissed the top of her head.
“You okay?”
With a nod, she released me and stepped back. “Agent Portnoy called. They were able to clean up an image of the man on the video from the fire.”
Relief rushed through me. Thank God.
“Who is he?”
She headed to the kitchen table and pulled her laptop out of her bag. “Here,” she said, gesturing to the screen.
Several still shots taken from the footage from our security cameras had been blown up, making the guy’s face clear. He looked like he was in his thirties, with a shaved head. The footage was black and white and grainy, but it was better than nothing. Thank fuck Owen had insisted on the cameras.
I hummed, squinting closely at one image after another. “Don’t recognize him.”
“He seems familiar to me,” she said, flipping through the photos. “But I can’t place him.”
It was all there. The man standing near the building, holding a can of gasoline as the structure caught fire.
My blood instantly boiled. How could someone do this to us? Yes, we had insurance, but it would take months for funds to come through for repairs, which meant we’d lose not only time, but productivity.
The anger coursing through me wasn’t helpful, especially given my plan for the night, but it couldn’t be helped.
“That tattoo,” she said, pointing at the screen.
The guy on camera appeared to have a large tattoo on the back of his hand.
She shook her head. “I’ve seen that before.” With a hum, she surveyed the pictures again, then straightened and turned to me. “They’ve ID’d him and are going to make an arrest soon. Agent Portnoy said he’d call me when it’s done. Hopefully, he talks. It’s killing me not to know why he did it and who he works for.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said, wrapping my arms around her.
Melting into me, she sighed. “It’s not your fault.”
“Some days,” I said, resting my chin on the crown of her head, “I feel like it is.”
She stood up and hugged me, tucking herself into my chest in a way that made the world feel right.
“I should have known,” I muttered. “I should have paid more attention. If I had, I could have stopped so much of this. If I’d been paying attention, then maybe Frank Gagnon wouldn’t have been killed.” Guilt swirled in my gut. The Gagnon patriarch had died a few years back. Although it had been ruled an accident, his kids didn’t believe it and had hired a private investigator. She was the one who’d discovered my dad’s involvement in the trafficking ring.
She shook her head against my chest. “You had no reason to suspect any of this. It took law enforcement years to catch on, and that was only because things got messy with the Gagnons.”
I closed my eyes, willing the shame and doubt swamping me to dissipate. But when it came to my father, I’d never be rid of all of it.
Deep down, I’d known he was a terrible person and a shit father, but I’d been so desperate for approval and validation that I’d ignored the signs and had stupidly put my trust in him. I’d championed him and supported him and made excuse after excuse for him.
Dr. Miller-Savard—I was supposed to call her Evelyn, but old habits died hard—had been forcing me to say a lot of the quiet stuff out loud.
My dad was a bully.
He was abusive
He’d hurt me, and he’d hurt many people I loved.
Therapy was fucking torture. I didn’t enjoy talking about myself to begin with, but dredging up painful childhood memories and walking through them step by step?
It was a damn nightmare.
The only thing worse would be losing Chloe again, so this was necessary.
“What kills me,” I said into her hair as she clung to me, “is that he took you away from me. Losing the business was awful, but nothing could have been as bad as losing you.”
She took a sharp breath and tipped her head up, her eyes swimming as she regarded me.
“My biggest regret is not following you and fighting to make things right,” I said, cupping her cheek.
“It’s not your fault,” she protested. “Our fathers—”
“No.” I clenched my jaw but willed my hold on her to stay gentle. “What they did was terrible, but they only exploited the cracks in our foundation. Cracks I was responsible for.”
“We both were.”
“No. I was so desperate to prove myself to him that I let him pull me away from you. I should have been by your side, helping you through your grief. Instead, I was in the damn woods.” For years, I’d gone over and over every day of our short marriage. I’d left her alone in that shitty garage apartment while I was out in the woods chasing my father’s approval. I’d put my job ahead of her, and I’d been too young and too stupid to even realize it.
“I didn’t ask for help,” she said. “It’s so hard for me to trust. I can’t help it. My first instinct has always been to do it all myself.”
This was my moment, and I had to seize it.
“You don’t have to do it all yourself, Dragonfly.” Hand still cupped to her cheek, I brushed my thumb back and forth. “I’m here now. I want to do this with you.” Swallowing thickly, I mustered all my resolve and laid it out, begging for everything I wanted. “I know I haven’t earned it yet, but please give me a chance to do this right. To love you the way you deserve to be loved. To be a family.”
“But my job—”
“I’ll go where you go. I missed my chance to chase you twenty years ago. I won’t make that mistake again. You and the baby are it for me. I’ll go anywhere. I’ll do anything.”
In that moment, staring up at me with tears welling in her eyes, she looked so delicate and vulnerable. Like the girl I’d fallen in love with all those years ago. There was no defiance, no anger. Just fear.
It broke my heart. That she ever doubted what she meant to me.
“I love you, Chloe,” I said softly as a tear ran down her cheek. “I’ve always loved you.”
Stepping back, she covered her face with her hands and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said. “After years of thinking you didn’t love me the way I loved you, this is all too much.”
My heart panged at the agony in her voice. Dammit. I needed to make her understand. That I loved her then, but I loved her more now. “Come with me.” Clutching her hand, I led her out of the house and over to the structure that served as both garage and workshop. I keyed in the code, and the door opened slowly. My truck was parked in the first bay. A tractor, a plow blade, and an ATV occupied the other. On the far side was my workshop, with tools, tables, and pegboard walls, all labeled and organized.
As I guided her back to where I had several projects going, I pulled on the lights. When the space was illuminated, I held out an arm, gesturing to the industrial steel racks lining the back wall.
“Look.”
With a small gasp, she stopped, her eyes widening. But she only stayed that way for a moment before she shuffled closer and studied each piece on the top shelf.
I’d stumbled into chainsaw art years ago, when I’d discovered it was a good coping mechanism. The ability to create detailed, delicate things with such a large, violent instrument had intrigued me and still did.
It also required total concentration, meaning it was one of few activities that could drown out the noise in my mind. The work gave me an outlet when I was a confused, angry kid trying to find his way.
The eight-foot-long shelf was covered in art I had made over the years. Each one was a dragonfly. Some were large, others as small as I could create. Some abstract, others finely detailed. Some in flight, some at rest, and some in groups.
She turned and looked at me, her eyes misty. “You made all of these?”
I nodded. “No matter how hard I tried, I could never get you out of my head.”
“They are so beautiful,” she said softly, running her fingers along the edge of the shelf.
“So are you. With each one, I worked to capture your beauty, your strength, and the way you made me feel.”
“Gus,” she gasped, walking straight into my arms.
“Just give me a chance,” I said, angling low to gently kiss her. “And I promise I’ll love you forever.”