32. Chloe
Chapter 32
Chloe
I don’t know how it happened, but I’d found myself sitting at a crowded table in Debbie Hebert’s dining room with the entire family, eating lasagna and laughing.
Gus had looked adorably sweet and shy when he asked me to come to dinner at his mom’s. Although we’d agreed to wait a little longer before breaking the pregnancy news, he still wanted me there. So, lured into a state of compliance by all the orgasms and sweet gestures, not understanding just how crowded the place would be, I’d said yes.
Gus was fully committed. That was clear. He’d been fussing over me constantly, sharing interesting tidbits from the baby books and delivering snacks and water before I even realized I needed them.
Being taken care of like this was strange. My entire life, I’d been the caretaker, the one in charge. And while I still had a mountain of responsibilities, having him around made every task feel more manageable.
But day by day, he was growing restless. He wanted answers, plans, and commitments. And I was still too scared and confused to consider any of it.
Could I stay here forever? In Maine? The very place I’d vowed to leave behind forever? Or would we leave, together this time, and forge our path somewhere else?
Could we really do this long term? Every day, it became more clear that we would be effective co-parents, but I wasn’t sure I’d be capable of more. Especially once the stress of having a newborn kicked in.
So I was here, drinking water and chatting, while internally spiraling over all the speed bumps and milestones that lay ahead.
The one benefit of being here? Aside from getting to know Adele Gagnon, who was hilarious and took absolutely no shit, I’d had the chance to hold her baby. Thor, who was four months old, was the chubby, giggly baby of my dreams. I’d always considered myself a kid person, though I’d never been all that comfortable with babies. But this little guy? Making silly faces at him was turning out to be the highlight of my day.
“Cole,” Debbie said, her voice kind but firm. “Please put the phone down for family dinner.”
He gave her an exasperated look but obeyed. I wasn’t sure of the dynamic here. He wasn’t her son, yet he lived here with her? I made a mental note to ask Gus about it later.
“Sorry,” he said. “RiverFest is next weekend, and I’ve still got so much to do.”
“How can we help?” Finn asked.
“Yes,” Adele added. “Maternity leave is so boring. Give me a job to do.”
His face lit up. The dichotomy that was Cole Hebert was fascinating. He was by far the tallest and biggest of the six brothers—the kind of tall where he had to duck into the room—yet he had the sweetest, most earnest baby face.
I could see why Debbie and his brothers were eager to help him despite his history.
Quickly, he assigned various jobs to his family members. Most involved making calls to confirm things, but he’d asked Gus, with his electrician training, to check the sound system for the outdoor concert.
My heart swelled as I surveyed the group seated around the table. Maybe this was what my family would have been like if we hadn’t lost Mom.
Instead, my sibling relationships were either fractured, like in the case of my brothers, or hot and cold, like my sister. I longed to have this kind of closeness, a network of people I could depend on, who always had my back.
The thought of Celine, Cedric, and Calvin sitting around my father’s table brainstorming how to fix my problems made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
But the Heberts were working to repair the damage and loving each other as they went. It was hard not to be envious of their bond.
We were enjoying Debbie’s apple pie when Finn cleared his throat and asked for everyone’s attention.
“Okay, you guys,” he said. “Ready for the entertainment?”
Around the table, we all frowned in confusion.
“Merry,” he said.
His tween daughter got up, darted out of the room, and came back with a laptop in hand. She set it up on the sideboard, facing the table, and looked from us to it, then back again.
“Can everyone see?”
When we broke into murmurs and nods, she opened up a Zoom window.
“Uncle Owen, are you guys there?”
Owen and his fiancée, Lila, appeared on screen, waving at us from what looked like a very luxurious Boston condo.
“Enjoy,” Merry said, pressing play on a video.
We were all craning our necks and squinting at the screen. I wasn’t sure what I was seeing at first, but quickly, it became clear that it was Finn driving a pickup truck, towing what looked like a very old Airstream trailer behind it.
And then Adele came out of the house wearing Thor in a baby sling. She was all smiles as she approached the camper.
Merry increased the volume, and everyone around me gasped.
Finn dropped to one knee, gesturing to the Airstream, and then Adele was hauling him up to his feet and throwing her arms around her neck.
“She said yes,” Finn said, pumping his fist.
“He brought me a hunk of garbage to fix up,” Adele said with a roll of her eyes and a wide smile. “I had to say yes to the only man who would know I’d want a project more than a ring.”
He tipped to one side and kissed her
The small gesture made my heart squeeze. Their little family was happy and whole. I wanted that too. My own little family. Our own weird quirks and traditions.
“Well done, Merry,” Gus said.
She beamed. “Dad and I had it all planned out.”
The brothers were all on their feet—Debbie too—hugging and congratulating the happy couple.
Gus gave my hand a squeeze
Instead of joy, I was flooded with nausea. Shit.
Owen and Lila were cheering on the screen, sneaking kisses. The people in this room were all grins and back slaps and joyous teasing. They had all come so far since Mitch’s arrest. I was happy for Gus and his siblings, but I couldn’t shake the sense that this wasn’t the type of happy ending I’d be getting.
Maybe it was my cynicism, or a suddenly developed inferiority complex, but as I sat, observing the moment, my anxiety spiked.
Though I felt off, I was happy to stay late. While we chatted and laughed and toasted the happy couple, I got to snuggle the baby one more time before we headed out.
“Would you like me to drop you off at home?” Gus asked. We’d been spending most nights together, and I had a bunch of stuff at his house. It was farther from work, but when I was there, a peacefulness I’d never found anywhere else always washed over me. When he stayed at my place, he’d bring Clementine, who loved barking at the loons on the lake in the morning.
Though he asked if I wanted him to drop me off, he really meant where are we sleeping tonight?
“I think I need to be alone,” I said, my stomach churning. My body was on high alert. I hated the emotions that had me in a chokehold, but until I had some time to work through them, there was no shaking them loose.
In my periphery, his face fell. I refused to look at him. I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment I knew would be shining in his eyes.
“Sure. Can we talk about what’s bothering you first?” His tone was gentle but firm.
What was I supposed to say to him? I ’ m freaking out because you love me and we ’ re having a baby and I ’ ve spent a long time feeling undeserving of love and family and happiness?
No. I just needed to go home, stew, and deal with my shit.
We pulled up in front of my house, and once he’d cut the engine, he reached over to take my hand.
Silently, he held on to me. Patiently waiting for an explanation.
“I’m terrified,” I finally admitted, my voice a whisper.
My chest constricted, and my breaths were shallow. All I wanted to do was go inside, turn on reality TV, and pretend none of these problems existed.
Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes. God, I was such a cliché—the weeping pregnant woman. I was disgusted by my own weakness.
“I’ve always been good at handling what life throws at me,” I said, wiping away a tear. “I was a badass. I compartmentalized my feelings and got on with it.” A sniffle escaped me. Dammit. “Now look at me. I’m a crying mess. Pregnant and confused and terrified I’ll do the wrong thing or make the wrong decision.”
“Are you done?” he asked gently.
Pulling in a shaky breath, I nodded.
“We can work through it all together. But first, you have to let me in and accept that you can’t do it all yourself.”
I bristled at that comment, even if he had a point.
“I mean it.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed the backs of my fingers. “If we’re going to do this and do it right, I need to trust that you’ll ask me for help.”
Logically, I knew he was right. Even so, my defenses engaged. I’d been on my own for a long time and had done a pretty excellent job.
“I’m working on it,” I said, gritting my teeth. “But trusting and sharing don’t come naturally to me.”
He laughed. “You think it’s easy for me?”
Fair point.
But saying it out loud, putting it out into the universe, would only make the fears more real. And then he’d know the truth. That I didn’t have everything under control. That I wasn’t the badass I pretended to be.
“You want me to share?” I finally asked, sniffling loudly. “You’ll regret asking.”
“Never,” he said, his brows pulled low and his mouth fixed in a straight line.
Like a dam had broken, the words came fast. There was no containing them any longer. “I am in a constant state of panic because I’m worried I’m not maternal enough, that I’m not loving enough to be a good mother. Happy now?” I wiped at my tearstained cheeks. “I worry I’m deficient. I look at Celine and how easily motherhood came to her, and I worry that I’ll fuck it up.”
I stopped there, desperate for a breath. Gus watched me, his eyes full of sympathy. Before he could speak, I went on.
“Then there’s the nagging fear that my geriatric uterus isn’t up for the job and something will go wrong. I’m forty. In olden days, I’d be a grandmother or dead by now, not having my first baby. The fear of my body failing this child is all-consuming.”
“Chloe,” he said.
I held up a hand. “You asked, and now I’m telling you.” I was gaining speed, and nothing would stop me.
“My family is fractured and dysfunctional. And you and me? Yeah, things are great now, but we don’t have the best track record. Not to mention the circumstances that led to this baby were fucked up. We had hate sex after twenty years of mutual resentment. God, it’s the stuff Hallmark movies are made of.
“I own a distressed lumber company under the daily scrutiny of the FBI. I’ve got creepy men following me around, arsons targeting my business, burglars, and incomplete financials. Oh, and then there’s my corporate job, which is in Seattle, working with partners who want me to get my ass back to making them money instead of babysitting this shitshow.”
I took a breath, hiccupping but determined to keep going.
Gus grabbed my arm. “Creepy men? What are you talking about?”
“It might be nothing,” I hedged, waving him off.
He wasn’t having it. His grip tightened, and he asked again. “What the hell do you mean by creepy men?”
With a resigned sigh, I filled him in on the interaction in Heartsborough last week and the weird comments at the lumberjack competition back in August.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “How could you not tell me?”
“I have a lot on my plate,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Chloe, if scary criminals are stalking and threatening you, don’t you think I have a right to know?”
Of course he’d overreact. “There have been no explicit threats,” I clarified, lifting my chin.
He threw his hands up. “Jesus, do you hear yourself? This is what I’m talking about. Letting me in, telling me things. You’re carrying our child.”
My stomach twisted. “So it’s about the baby.”
“It’s about everyone. I’m sorry for being so desperate to keep the people I love safe.” He gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. “I fucking love you. And I love our child.”
There it was again. A declaration of love. I could say it back right now and defuse this argument, but it would be wrong to use it like a shield.
“I’m handling it,” I said, annoyed with myself for pulling my walls up like this. “Why are you blowing this out of proportion?”
He faced me full-on. Even in the moonlight, the hurt and anger in his eyes were obvious. “We’re just talking about this. God, Chloe. Can’t you see that it’s killing me to be kept at arm’s length like this? I’m sorry for not trying harder back then to show you how much I loved you. But I’m in therapy now, improving myself so that it never happens again. Can you just please let me be your partner?”
I opened my mouth, but rather than words, all that came out was a sob. He was right. Of course he was. I was broken and jaded and fucking all of this up. I couldn’t make up my mind about anything, and my indecisiveness was hurting Gus and the relationship we were trying to build.
So I cried. Because I had nothing to say for myself.
Gus pulled me close, kissing the top of my head. “Let’s go pack a bag,” he murmured. “Come to my house. Clem and I will spoil you, and we can talk more in the morning.”
“I should be alone,” I hiccupped, trying to pull back. “I need to think.”
“No,” he said, holding me tighter. “Not after what you just told me. I want to move in. Or you can move in with me. I’m okay either way. But I need you safe.”
I didn’t have the energy to fight. I also had no solution for him. No grand plan that would fix all our problems, erase the past, and make the future clear and manageable. So I just nodded, went inside, and got my toothbrush.