Chapter 23 Derek
Derek
Why was another man in Daniel’s apartment?
I take a pull from my cigarette, exhaling the smoke against my office’s floor to ceiling window. I haven’t smoked in years.
And since when is he so close with the Jesse guy?
Nerves swamp me, turning my stomach into an anxious knot. I leave for a week, and this happens. Is it payback? Because I lied about Adam?
I grit my teeth and scowl at the computer on my desk. My ‘ex’ showed up at the negotiations yesterday and pulled me to the side afterward to tell me how surprised he was that I hadn’t told Daniel the truth. Then he assured me I didn’t have to worry since he did it for me.
Fuck. That wasn’t supposed to happen, for Daniel to find out about it and from someone else on top of that. And now this Jesse… I knew they were hanging out in the studio for those art lessons, but why was he in Daniel’s apartment?
Daniel’s answer replays in my mind. “Art stuff.”
I growl and aggressively extinguish my cigarette in the ashtray I’ve never used. I’m losing my mind. Surely, Daniel isn’t bored of me yet… Surely, he’ll listen to what I have to say…
Right?
Every minute drags on, and by the time I head over to Daniel’s place, I’m even a bigger mess.
I don’t want to lose him. I was an asshole, I tried to manipulate him, to make him desperate enough for me so he turns his back on his own morals.
Fuck. Now he knows because of that devil, Adam, who should’ve kept his mouth shut.
Feeling like I’m a bomb about to explode, I take the stairs to Daniel’s floor. I linger in front of his apartment for a few minutes before I knock.
“Hi.” He opens the door with a smile.
I don’t feel like returning it. “We need to talk.”
I grab his wrist and drag him to the lounge, each step a challenge. My lungs are working overtime to keep me from suffocating, and the walls around me feel like they are closing in.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, clueless about the turmoil within me.
I close my eyes for a moment, trying to calm my frantic heart. “Why was Jesse here?”
Daniel’s eyes go wide. “I told you.”
His nonchalance irks me. Doesn’t he see how being alone with another man can be a problem? I’ve no idea what they did or why. “Art stuff isn’t really an explanation.”
Crossing his arms, he huffs. “We are working on something together.”
Going to Jesse’s studio when there are other people is one thing, but being alone with him?
Fear strikes my heart, strong and ugly. What happened during the time I was gone? Why is he being so suspicious about this? “What’s going on between you two?”
My demand makes him scowl. “I told you—we are working on a project!”
What project? Why is he being so vague?
“Daniel.” I grab his wrist and pull him toward me. He stumbles, his arm bumping into my chest. “I want you to cut all contact with him.”
“Huh?” He gapes at me, blinking like he can’t believe what I said. Then he shoves me away and rubs the wrist I was holding. “No. Are you crazy?”
Fuck. Maybe I am. But I can’t lose him. Even if he wants to end this, I won’t let him. I can’t. He knows I lied. I can’t change the past, but I had my reasons. It was the only way, or so I thought.
“I know Adam told you about us,” I blurt out, clenching my hands into fists. “I’m sorry, I… It was the only way to make you want this as much as I did.”
He’s speechless, I can see it in his eyes, in the way his jaw hangs. “By making me believe I was an even shittier person than I thought I was? You know, I already hated the fact that I couldn’t stay away from you even though you were with somebody.”
I hug myself. I did, and I took advantage of it. “What do you want me to say? This is who I am—”
“No. This is who you are used to being because it’s easier.”
His words are like an electrical shock, like a disarming spell. I rake a hand through my hair and pace from one end of the room to the other. Is this the end? Is he about to break things off because he figured out Jesse is ten times less toxic than me? He’s in his right to.
“You are mine. I won’t let you leave me for Jesse,” I declare, determination burning in my veins. Even if he hates me, I won’t allow it. He’s mine, I need him like life needs the light of the Sun.
He rubs his forehead. “Jesus. Where did you get that idea?”
I avert my gaze, not able to bear his hard look. “You are into him. Why else would he be here? And you are being awfully vague about what the two of you were doing.”
He sighs like he’s carrying the weight of the world. Then he snorts. “You are jealous… Holy shit, you are jealous and you’ve no fucking idea how to deal with it!”
For the first time in my life, I’m embarrassed. He’s called me out, and I wasn’t prepared for it. I glance at him, then out the window. Was this his plan? To drive me crazy until I lose my mind? Congratulations, he’s succeeded.
“Stay away from Jesse,” I repeat like a broken record. He’s right. I’ve no idea how to handle this, but I know that I won’t need to if he just does as I say. So why isn’t he?
“No.”
I take a step toward him, but stop dead in my tracks when he throws me a warning look.
“No,” he says again, his features hardening. He mumbles something under his breath, annoyance pouring off him in waves.
“Are you breaking up with me?” I demand, my heart shattering. “Is this why you’ve been spending so much time with him?”
Shock slides across his face. “What? Jesus, calm down.”
“I can’t lose you! Please…” I pin my gaze on the floor, not daring to look him in the eyes. “I’ll do anything, just… don’t leave.”
“Ugh!” He blows air out of his nose and folds his arms again.
“I didn’t want to say anything until we were sure things would work out, but you’re impossible!
Jesse and I are teaching a class together.
Or, I guess, it’s two classes—in person and online.
We were recording lessons here because he has a live drawing session at the studio tonight.
He’s just a friend. There’s nothing between us. ”
His words are like a balm to my agitated soul, but I can’t celebrate just yet. What if he’s lying? What if after realizing how much power he has over me, he wants to give me a taste of my own medicine? I know I would.
“Don’t lie to me. I don’t care if you fucked. Just tell me the truth so we can leave this behind us.”
Daniel presses his lips in a line. He’s angry now, distraught. “Are you for real? You don’t believe me?”
“I hurt you. It only makes sense you’d want to hurt me back,” I explain, surprised he doesn’t see how logical such behavior is.
Somehow, Daniel gets even angrier. He tenses up and looks ready to punch me. “You are out of your mind! I was willing to be with you behind your partner’s back, for fuck’s sake. You really think I’d toss you aside for somebody else after all that?”
I don’t have an answer to that. I don’t know. A situation like this is not something I’ve ever had to deal with.
“You do…” he clips, sadness in his voice. “You really don’t believe me?”
“You are not as pure as you make yourself out to be, Daniel. You are a lot more like me than you think. And people like me would do anything to come out on top. But it’s fine. I don’t care if you had an affair with Jesse as long as you end it now.”
My words strike a chord because the change in Daniel’s demeanor is immediate. His features close off, the hint of concern drains from his face. “Get out.”
I gawk at him, confused. “Don—”
“Get out, I said!”
“Wait, Daniel—”
“No.” He stomps my way, vibrating with anger. I am slightly bigger, but his presence alone is enough to force me to take a step back. “You don’t believe me. There’s nothing more for us to say to each other. Get out.”
There’s finality in his voice. It leaves no space for arguing, no way for me to salvage whatever I’ve ruined. Still, I try, surprising even myself.
“Please, let’s just tal—”
“No.” He slams the door in my face.
Wow. I stand there in front of his apartment, not sure what to do with myself. I’ve been hurt before, it’s just part of the game that I play. Sometimes it’s necessary, something it isn’t, but at the end of the day, I don’t care as long as Daniel remains by my side. So why did he throw me out?
The next days feel like I’m in a nightmare. Everything has this blurry quality, like it’s half-there and half-not. Sound has lost its sharpness, too. It’s muted, muffled and, quite frankly, irritating, fueling the frustration I’ve been feeling since my fight with Daniel.
I texted him multiple times, but he’s yet to reply. I tried calling. It’s clear he’s angry with me, though I’m not exactly sure what I did wrong. Yes, I was direct, but only because I’m willing to overlook whatever it is that happened between him and Jesse. Why doesn’t he get that?
A knock on my door pulls my attention. It’s my PA. “Alexander is here. Conference room four.”
I thank Jared and head over. The German is having some issue due to incomplete specifications from his end, and now we have to fix a bunch of shit. Fun times.
Despite it being his fault, I apologize and assure him we’ll get everything sorted out by the end of the week. He leaves with a smile on his face after patting me on the back.
“Oh.” He pauses at the door. “I hope you are free tonight. Adam and I are going out for dinner to discuss business. You should join us.”
I smile, nodding my head enthusiastically. “Of course. Leave the details with my PA.”
Great, just what I needed. My head is spinning enough as it is, and alcohol will only make it worse. Oh well, at least it will distract me from thinking about Daniel.
I wrap up work earlier and have my driver who I seldom use take me to the restaurant Alexander has booked. It’s one of the poshest in town, though the kitschy gilded interior is grating on my nerves today.
Alexander doesn’t shut up the entire time, rambling on and on about his expansion in Asia and the profits he’s expecting to see. It’s good for us, I’m not going to lie, but why he felt the need to brag in front of me is beyond me.
Okay, that’s a lie. I’ve done it, too. It’s one of those weird things rich people do, a way to compare dicks. Going off what little I’ve caught of his one-sided conversation, Alexander’s is quite big and he most definitely likes to wave it around.
“Oh, there he is!” he cuts himself off in the middle of explaining about the horses he breeds in his mansion in Porto. His voice pitches higher and his eyes gleam with dark intent. I track where they are looking. The reason for the sudden change in his demeanor is obvious immediately.
Adam, who’s just entered the venue, looks at our table, his lips curving up in a fake smile. He’s wearing a navy suit that looks brand new. He hands his fur coat to the waiter and joins us.
“Good evening, gentlemen.” His eyes meet mine first and then Alexander’s, lingering there. “How are you doing? Are the issues with the deployment resolved?”
“Mm, I see news travels fast,” Alexander muses and jumps into an explanation that I tune out. “I hear you and Derek aren’t together anymore?” he poses at the end, hope lurking in his voice.
“We aren’t, no,” Adam confirms, throwing me a look as he takes a sip from his white wine. Then he flashes me the most genuinely happy smile I’ve ever seen. “He’s finally found someone who’s good for more than sex.”
I frown at my ex. He’s the reason Daniel threw me out and refuses to talk to me, so why is he smiling? Irritation unfurling in my stomach, I tilt my chin toward the smoking area. “We need to talk. Join me for a smoke?”
“You don’t even like smoking,” he counters, challenge in his eyes.
“And you shouldn’t have poked your nose into my business, but you did.”
I storm out of the restaurant, not waiting for him. I know he will come though, because Adam loves being the center of attention or drama. A minute later, he doesn’t disappoint.
“So, what’s troubling you?”
“Daniel kicked me out.”
He chuckles and lights his cigarette. We’ve found a semi-private corner, away from the other smokers. “Ouch. What did you do to piss off the cutie?”
“Nothing!” I exhale, letting my shoulders slump. Then I clench my fists. “I went to see him, but Jesse was at his place.”
I give Adam a rundown of what happened after that, how I confronted Daniel and was willing to forgive him. Adam explodes with laughter.
“It’s not funny! What the fuck do I do now?”
“You are such an idiot sometimes. I get it, I really do, our world is fucked up beyond repair. But how can you be that stupid? Shit.” He’s laughing so hard, he chokes as he takes a pull. I hit him on the back to help the fit pass. “Sorry, thanks.”
“What do you mean I’m stupid?” I ask, contemplating a second cigarette, but scraping that idea. The first one dulled my agitation enough.
“Daniel isn’t a liar, Derek. He’s not like us. Yes, he’s not an innocent little flower either, but he’s crazy about you. You’re blind not to see it.”
“Okay? But you should’ve seen him—he didn’t even want to tell me what he and Jesse were doing at first!”
“Art classes,” he says nonchalantly, lighting a second cigarette. Unlike me, Adam is a bit of an addict.
“How do you know about this?”
“Cassandra told me. I met Daniel a couple weeks back when I went to the gallery. They were discussing it.”
“That still doesn’t mean Jesse and—”
“I had someone go to one of their in-person classes. They are just friends. You are such a drama queen.”
I blink at Adam. Why would he do that? Why go out of his way?
“I know what you want to ask. Let’s just say that I like how good Daniel has been for you. You’ve… mellowed out. You seem happier. It would be a waste if things didn’t work out.” He sighs, chuckling. “And of course, you had to go and almost ruin it. You are such an idiot sometimes.”
I stare at the people on the sidewalk, everyone in a hurry to go somewhere. “Good things don’t happen to people like us, Adam. We don’t deserve them.”
“It’s never too late to change that.” He pushes off the wall he was leaning against. “Not everyone is out to get you, Derek.”
I groan, burying my face in my palms. Shit, I really fucked this up, didn’t I? Adam is right—how could I be this stupid? I was so afraid Daniel might leave me that I didn’t even listen to him.
“What do I do?” I ask, shuddering.
“You sit down and figure this out on your own. But don’t take too long or your lovely Daniel might get tired of waiting and really take off with the sexy artist.”