Chapter 18
Benson
The sun shines brightly as August and I pick our way down the trail at Hawk Hollow. The snow has mostly melted, apart from patches on the ground here and there.
Spring has finally arrived.
Neither of us is talking much, but the silence doesn’t feel uncomfortable for once. Twigs snap underneath our boots. The wind whistles through the branches of pine trees. And the occasional bird call rings out during our midday hike along the base of the mountains.
It’s peaceful in a way I almost forgot, having lived in a city for the past so many years.
“Want to stop here for a minute?” August asks, pointing to a bench up ahead.
I nod, and we take a seat, August grabbing granola bars from his small backpack and handing one to me.
“Thanks.”
“Yep.”
Another minute of quiet passes, my thoughts straying to Remi. He would have joined us if he weren’t out of town picking up the unhatched Silkie chicks. He’ll be back tonight with the eggs.
“So, uh…” August says, folding his granola bar wrapper over itself. “I wanted to apologize. For what I said when I found out about you and Remi.”
My mind runs back over the conversation. “The virginity thing?”
He groans a little. “Yes. It’s true, but… I was hurt, I guess, and used that as fodder against you. Which wasn’t fair of me.”
I sit with that for a second. “Why were you hurt?”
“Because I felt left out? Which, believe me, I know how that sounds. It’s just…
” Setting his wrapper aside, my brother drops his elbows to his knees and scrubs a hand through his hair.
“It’s been me and Remi for so long. Now you’re back, and suddenly, the two of you are spending all this time together that doesn’t involve me.
I probably should have seen it coming, but finding out you guys are all… you know. It kinda blindsided me.”
“I’m not trying to steal him,” I tell my brother quietly.
He groans again, dropping his head. “I know. I know that. But God, you have to admit it’s weird, right? Like, this is Remi Darling we’re talking about. My best friend. The guy you’ve known since we were all kids.”
I nod slowly. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t see it coming, either. But…it doesn’t feel strange to me. And that’s maybe the strangest thing of all.”
He puffs out a breath. “You really like him?”
“I feel…safe with him. But it’s not just that.
It’s…” Closing my eyes, I try to figure out how best to explain it beyond a simple yes.
“It’s not something I can rationalize. I can’t pinpoint the why or the how of it.
I can’t break it down into pieces and columns.
He smiles, and I feel light. He looks at me, and I never want him to stop.
There’s no formula that makes it make sense. It just is.”
When I open my eyes, I find my brother watching me closely. “When did you realize?”
“I guess…shortly after he kissed me. I needed a minute to process—”
“Only a minute?” August cuts in.
“Days,” I amend, and he huffs a small laugh. “But no matter how much I tried to tell myself it was better off if I left it alone, I just… I didn’t want that to be it.”
My brother nods, looking lost to his own thoughts. “I want to be pissed at you about it. I’m just…not. He’s my best friend, Benson. I want him to be happy. So don’t fuck it up, okay?”
“You know I can’t promise that.”
He groans, shoving my shoulder lightly. “You’re supposed to lie and say ‘I’d rather cut out my own heart than hurt his’ or something equally as sappy. You’re not supposed to be all honest and shit.”
After a beat, I ask, “Have you met me?”
August barks a laugh, the sound causing a bird in the tree next to us to take flight with a hectic flapping of wings. “I have, yes. And I’m starting to understand you a little more. I’m glad for that.”
My chest tightens, even though I know my brother didn’t mean anything negative by his words. “I’m sorry I had such trouble being open before.”
August watches the side of my head as I focus on the grooves in the dirt near my feet. “I’ve been reading a bit about autism.”
“You have?”
He nods in my peripheral vision. “Masking? It’s a…trauma response. I don’t think I quite understood that before. It starts in childhood.”
His voice cracks a little at that last word, and I look his way. He’s not telling me anything I haven’t already discussed with Steph, but hearing it anew through my brother isn’t insignificant.
“Yeah,” I manage.
August heaves out a breath, sadness painting his face.
“I’m sorry none of us knew. If we had, then maybe you could have been open with us, you know?
We can’t change that now. I just…” He presses his lips together tight for a moment.
“I do want to know you, Benson. I want you to feel safe with me, too. We’ll get there, okay? ”
I appreciate that my brother is openly recognizing it’ll take time. He isn’t pushing me to give him a false platitude now. I want to bridge the gap between us, too, but it’s not as easy as pushing a button.
I give my brother’s shoulder a light shove, the same as he did to me. “When you make a tuna sandwich, can you please open a window? I can’t stand the smell.”
August’s mouth falls open. “Christmas four years ago… You disappeared for the entire party. Is that because our cousin brought that horrible tuna casserole?”
I wince. “I had to walk three houses down the street before I could find fresh air. Mrs. Klein let me hide out at her place for a bit.”
“Oh my God,” he says, amused. “I just thought you were being an antisocial ass.”
“I’m not antisocial,” I correct. “I’m asocial. My psychiatrist made sure I understood there’s a difference.”
“What does that even mean?” my brother asks, a smile at the corner of his mouth.
“I just…prefer solitude,” I explain. “I don’t hate people, I just don’t want to be around them most of the time. It’s exhausting.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Is this tiring for you? Being here with me?”
“Not in the same way,” I say hastily, wanting to reassure him but not quite knowing the right way how.
“You’re my family. You’re…part of my bubble.
There’s some mental fatigue, I think, that comes with talking about anything personal.
But… I want to be around you. There’s significant reward that comes with it. ”
August peers at me, not looking upset by my jumble of an explanation. Just…confused. “You get a reward by being around me? What?”
“It’s…” I pat my chest, not having perfect words. “Warmth, here. It’s relief. It’s…love, I guess. Feeling my love for you.”
He looks gobsmacked, his lips moving but no sound coming out. “But…you’ve been gone for so long. Almost my entire life.”
“I always came back.”
“But if you like being around me and…presumably Mom, why did you go?”
My lungs ache, none of the responses flying through my head feeling like enough. My hands shake as I lift them, my throat too tight to speak. ‘I never belonged. I thought I’d find a place where things felt easier. I had to believe that existed.’
My brother rapidly blinks his eyes, the moisture there disappearing. “If I told you that you belong, would you believe me?”
My hands move slowly. ‘It’s starting to feel true.’
He nods several times, looking off toward where the trail continues on. “What, uh…happened with your job? You said you quit, but I’m guessing there’s more to it than that.”
The ache in my head intensifies, my fingers drumming against my leg. I don’t stop them once I notice, just watch the pattern until I lift my hands again. ‘Can I explain later?’
“Yeah,” August says quickly, clearing his throat. “No more sad shit. Uh… Want to keep walking?”
I nod, pulling my water from my pack and swallowing down a few mouthfuls before I stand.
We continue along the trail, August ahead of me.
It’s a good few minutes later when my lungs feel like they can expand freely again.
I pull in a deep breath, the smell of spring teasing my senses.
Dirt. Fresh air. A hint of organic matter refueling the earth.
It reminds me of the ranch.
“Why was Remi the first person you had sex with?” I ask my brother.
He trips on the path, regaining his balance and shooting me a look over his shoulder. “Jesus. Warn a guy?”
“Sorry?”
“You’re not. It’s fine.” He huffs a short laugh, the two of us continuing on. “Um, well… I wasn’t sure I was interested in sex. I didn’t want to test that theory with someone I didn’t trust.”
“That makes sense.”
August glances over his shoulder again. “Does it?”
“Yeah,” I answer. His explanation is similar to the one Remi provided, but hearing from my brother’s mouth that his decision was logic-based, not brought on by any sort of romantic feelings, does help assuage some of my lingering worry over what it means for us all.
Not to mention what I suspect was jealousy on my part.
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m demi? I don’t really see a point in sex if I’m not interested in the person romantically. ”
My brother hums. “Huh. We’re just getting into it today, aren’t we?”
“Sorry. If it’s too much—”
“No,” he says at once. “I don’t mind. I’m…aegosexual. I like window shopping quite a lot. Guys are hot. Guys on other guys are hot. I just…don’t want anyone to touch me. Took some testing to figure that out.”
“But you did? With Remi?”
“Yeah,” he says around a huff. “I’m not sure how much you guys have talked about it. Is it okay to tell you this?”
“He said it was two times.”
My brother tilts his head to the side, hemming. “One and a half, maybe. I don’t think it fully counts if no one comes.”
It’s my turn to nearly trip. August cackles, mumbling a quick apology.
I wave him off. “It’s fine. Just…no details, please.”
“Sure,” he says, still chuckling. His tone turns serious, though. “It wasn’t…good for me. And Remi didn’t do anything wrong. Not a single thing. I just…had to make sure. He’s the only person I’ve tried with. I have no desire to go there again. Not with anyone.”
I let that settle. “So…it’s not going to be a problem? Me and Remi?”