Chapter 26 #2
I set the case on the wooden counter so my hands are free.
‘It doesn’t always get to me. The noise.
Or…people, even. Sometimes I really am fine.
But other times, I’m…overstimulated, I guess?
And I can’t…think past everything bombarding me.
It gets too busy inside my head. Customer Service Ben would keep a smile on his face and pretend he’s not struggling just to focus, and no one around him would realize his atoms are vibrating like they’re overheated and all he wants to do is bolt so he can be alone for a minute.
Just a minute. So all the sounds and distraction and buzzing can fade. So it’s quiet again. Peaceful.’
Remi is watching me with as much understanding as I could possibly hope for, the blue of his eyes kind and calm.
I ease out a breath before going on. ‘I always felt so guilty. For wanting quiet. For wishing everyone and everything around me would just…go away for a little while. I never realized, not before, that it’s not a matter of other people dealing with the overload better than me.
It just…doesn’t affect them in the same way.
I can’t tune it out the way many people can. ’
Remi’s smile is soft. He taps the earplugs before asking, ‘Do you want to try?’
I nod, and Remi lifts the two small earplugs from their case. He explains I should twist them gently to get a secure fit. That there should be some suction if I tug. As soon as the second one is in my ear, I stop to assess.
It does seem quieter. I can still hear the goats bleating outside. Some very soft laughter. I can hear Remi’s voice when he says, “Well?”
I twist one of the earplugs free and am immediately hit with a dozen low drones. The mini-fridge humming nearby. Soft thumps like someone, goat or human, tapping the barn. The buzz of the light overhead. The chicks’ soft peeps. An airplane passing. Someone whistling.
I pop the earplug back in, and it all…goes away. “Holy shit.”
Remi’s smile is hesitant, his hand moving the same. ‘Good?’
I puff out a breath and nod. ‘Does it look obvious?’
His face scrunches up. ‘Who cares?’
Good point.
I close my eyes for a second, my heart rate calming to a steady, easy thump. It is better. ‘Thank you,’ I tell Remi, opening my eyes.
He squeezes my arm, his hand slipping down to clasp mine.
It’s so small, the gesture, but the ease of it is profound.
Holding hands has always felt awkward to me, the same way intimacy with anyone new holds a layer of uncertainty.
I never know how long the contact is supposed to last. Or whether I’m supposed to twine my fingers with theirs or grip them like a squeeze claw.
It always felt like a trap, almost. A waiting game to be free.
But it doesn’t feel that way with Remi. His palm is warm, the touch familiar. And I know with a certainty that’s beyond comforting that Remi wouldn’t take it to heart if I reclaimed my hand before him.
Which makes me want to never let go.
Remi’s lips pull up at the corner. “Ready?”
I nod.
Remi doesn’t let my hand go until we reach the barn door. Even then, I don’t mourn the loss. Perhaps because I know it won’t be the only time.
Zoey is back inside the booth, the petting farm slightly less busy as we approach closing hours.
The other employee is helping a child pet a goat between his horns, her other hand keeping another goat away so the small human isn’t overrun.
She’s a natural, I realize, comfortable with the animals here.
Remi heads Zoey’s way as I follow. She apologizes before either of us can say a word.
“I’m so sorry about earlier. I didn’t even think about the trash can being too close to the booth.”
Remi looks to me with a soft, questioning lift of his brow, so I repeat Zoey’s words in sign. He shoots me a grin before responding to Zoey. “It’s not a problem, truly. Now you know. I just want to make sure you have all our phone numbers in case something happens while we’re not here.”
She nods, pointing between the two of us. “I have yours and Benson’s. Plus Jackson’s and, uh…Mrs. Darling’s.”
Remi gives my arm a squeeze before I can interpret, which I take to mean he caught enough. “Perfect. Let us know if you need anything.”
Zoey nods again. “Of course. Thanks.”
Remi pushes one of the gates open for us to exit the petting farm, waiting for me to step inside the double-gated space with him.
Fairly positive Zoey is still watching, I grab Remi’s hand.
His lips quirk as he lets the first gate close, waiting until it latches to open the second, lest any unruly goats try to escape.
We’re a good dozen feet away when he asks, “Did you want to hold my hand again, or are you broadcasting your status to your admirer?”
Cheeks flushed, I use my free hand to sign, ‘Can’t it be both?’
Remi laughs, and I give in to the urge to glance over my shoulder. Zoey waves exuberantly.
We reach the stables as the ranchers are returning their horses for the day. I let Remi’s hand go, somewhat reluctantly, so the two of us can work.
‘That was obvious, right?’ I check, thinking about Zoey’s happy wave and smile.
Remi snorts. ‘Yes, Ben. Quite.’
‘Okay, good. I don’t want to give her the wrong impression.’
He hums, a glint in his eye. ‘Well…if you really want to hammer the point home, you could always sign ‘blowjob’ again.’
I quickly push Remi’s hands down, checking to see if any of the nearby ranchers saw. He laughs loud enough to garner some attention.
My own hands move swiftly. ‘Remington Darling, you are a menace.’
His smile for me is so sweet my heart loses its rhythm. ‘And you, Benson Harper, love me for it.’
I can’t find it in me to deny it, not even jokingly. If Remi hadn’t forcibly tugged me into his world months ago, I wouldn’t be standing here with him now, my life changed in a million different ways.
I told Steph I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to undo this. It’s for the same reason Remi called me loyal.
My heart has never been fickle.
I just pray Remi isn’t, either.