Chapter 5
FIVE
“Where do you work?” Sophie asked the question without preamble.
Every day they shared dinner, but she had yet to ask him some of the big important things.
Job. Plans for his future. Family stuff.
He let her talk about herself with an interest and focus that surpassed any of the guidance counselors and therapists she’d been forced to see over the years, but he didn’t pry. They talked about a lot of nothing.
It was wonderful. Easy, companionable conversations that never halted in jarring silences.
Until now.
“I have a side hustle. Um. Business consulting. And I volunteer with a group of concerned citizens in Pine Ridge.” Jesse answered questions without his usual ease.
“Wow. Consulting already? Don’t they usually want old guys who golf for consulting?” Sophie teased. At least, she hoped she was teasing. This whole “joking around with a friend and not being nervous” thing was new to her.
“Usually, yeah. Or someone with a lot of success in a particular area. What about you? Music education or performance?”
“Music education.” The fear of standing in front of people was fading.
Her voice rang with a new conviction when she explained, “I think the cello saved my life. Really. I was... not in a good place sometimes, but I could always work out my emotions with a piece of music that captured my mood. Maybe I can help other people find their safety net, too.”
Jesse didn’t say anything.
“What? Lame?” Sophie anxiously skirted his intense eyes, looking toward the brown and gold leaves above their heads.
“It’s one of the things I love about you, that’s all. You’re this incredibly strong person.”
“No! No, believe me—” She laughed, graceful fingers brushing away false words.
His fingers suddenly grabbed hers. His skin was even cooler than hers, but his hands were soft and strong, a five-fingered lifeline. “No, you believe me. You are so strong, Sophie.”
They walked in silence, hands clasped.
Is this what falling in love feels like? Sophie wondered abruptly. You feel safe and comfortable. Happy. You can talk. You can be yourself.
Although... Her streetsmart upbringing thrust a shoulder into her contemplation, you don’t know that much about him. You haven’t checked him out. He could be lying to you about what he does, where he lives, even his name. I’ve never checked.
I could find out.
Her father’s best friend, whom she affectionately called Uncle Darrell, was a Pennsylvania State Trooper.
When he met her dad, they were both working on the Philly metro, a beat cop patrolling the station and a night crew maintenance man who started eating their midnight “lunches” together.
If it was a question of checking out a prospective love interest, purely for safety's sake, her uncle would have no qualms about doing a quick check.
Or I could start on the internet.
Or I could start with a last name.
“- Lumberjacks are having a game in Hershey. That’s the Pine Ridge minor league hockey team. Do you like hockey? Are you a Flyers fan?”
“Not much. I went to a few Phantoms games.” Sophie referred to the minor league hockey team. For some reason, Jesse suddenly started coughing uncontrollably. “Are you okay?”
“Swallowed wrong,” he choked out. “So. Would you like to?”
“Swallow wrong?” Sophie’s eyes went wide.
“Come to the game in Hershey. We could have a friendly wager. I bet you two tacos the Lumberjacks crush the Bears.”
That’s a date. Is that a date? Like, everyone has to eat and on campus, all the food is out, so, therefore eating out is not a date.
As Sophie didn’t answer, he hastily amended, “I know it’s a long drive. A Lumberjack’s home game is closer. Unless you’re not into hockey.”
“I only went when my mom got tickets from work. She’s a nursing assistant and the health department always had really cheap tickets to Dorney Water Park and the PA Renaissance Faire, the Reading Phillies, and the Phantoms. B-but I like hockey. I think.”
“I’m not entirely convinced,” Jesse chuckled. “We don’t have to go, you know.”
“No! I want to go. I— What’s your last name?”
“Smith.” His thick dark brows rose and hid under his tumbling bangs. “What’s that have to do with—Oh! You didn’t know my— We never did the formal introductions?”
“You’re in my phone as Jesse. Junior Jesse or Jesse Junior looked weird.”
“I’m Jesse Smith.” He suddenly swung his body around so he was in front of her and held out his hand, his smile wide and his eyes laughing. “And you are?”
“Sophie Usman. Freshman.” She shook his hand, her smile growing.
“Okay. Sophie Usman, Freshman music major, would you like to go to a hockey game with me? Taco bets are totally optional.”
“Yes, I would and I’m okay with taco bets. Taco bets are cheap.”
“Yeah, tuition is a necessary evil.”
“No, it’s not that. I need to find a job.
I still haven’t. If I don’t have one by Thanksgiving, my dad is going to flip.
He doesn’t like the idea of ‘lazy college students. He wanted me to work during high school but my— my mom talked him out of it. She said the part-time job would detract from studying and studying would get me a scholarship and a part-time job wouldn’t equal the same amount of money as a—Oh. Sorry. Rambling. Heh.”
“It’s cool.”
They were side-by-side again, hand-in-hand again. The carpet of November leaves crunched under their sneakers as they made their way from her dorm to their usual haunts of Chinese or tacos. “Are you going home for Thanksgiving?” Jesse asked.
“Absolutely. If I don’t, my mother will kill me.”
“Wow. Then you’d better go. We can’t have that.”
“What about you? Big family dinner?”
“Nah. It’s just my mom and me these days. We’ll visit from family friends, too.”
“I know how that is. The last few years, since my grandma passed away, it’s just been my parents and me.
My parents have siblings, but they don’t live in this country.
My dad is from Nigeria and my mom is from Armenia.
” She waited for the noises of surprise or the comments about ethnicity. They didn’t happen.
Jesse’s eyes narrowed slightly as he squinted into the lavender sky. Polaris and a thin sliver of moon were the only lights in the heavens at twilight.
“I’m adopted.” Sophie felt like she had to explain, even though he hadn’t questioned.
“You mentioned that before. I think it’s neat. If I have kids one day, I want to adopt. Actually, I um— I have to adopt. I’m not uh— genetically suited for parenting.”
“Then don’t adopt. Adopted parents are still real parents,” Sophie said, heat in her normally relaxed tones.
“Sorry. I meant I’m not able to have kids. I have a genetic problem that means my fertility prospects are at zero percent.”
Sophie’s eyes widened. “Oh. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jesse.” Her mind raced and her tongue tapped her teeth before she blurted, “Do you think I have it, too?”
He turned his head, dark eyes piercingly bright even in the shadows that were falling. His fingers caressed her wrist for a moment. “No, I don’t think we’re entirely the same inside. We just look the same.”
Her ribs were shrinking, cutting off her air as his eyes bored into her and his hand dragged a gentle path up and down her arm. What’s going on? What happens next? She wanted to demand answers but her voice was absent, along with her breath.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking,” Jesse murmured, words seeping out slowly.
“About what?” she managed to squeak. Oh, God. Minnie Mouse voice. I think I liked it better when I was silent.
“Me.” Jesse gave her a crooked smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“You’re... cute?” Why couldn’t the freakishness come with a side of smooth lines?
He laughed, but it was a shallow sound. “Being ‘sterile’ is a deal-breaker for some girls. Not that we’re close like that, but some women... Hey, if that puts me off their tables, I understand it.”
Do I care whether or not he can make babies?
That implies that we would be doing baby-making activities.
Her squeezing lungs sent the pressure down between her thighs in a wholly unfamiliar way.
The longer she stared at him the more appealing the idea of kissing him, of feeling him pulling her into his arms became.
Babies were still a long, long way off. And fertility?
“Shut up.” She shoved his shoulder without warning, making him stumble, his eyes wide.
“You’re speaking to the adopted girl. My mom can’t have babies.
I don’t love her any less. Why would I stop lo— I mean, that would never be a dealbreaker.
It shouldn’t be about the state your body is in, whether you can make new lives or not.
It should be... it should be about how you live this one, how you treat the person you’re with.
” Sophie concluded with a fierce shrug. How she’d lived her life until now had been hyper-focused on herself and what others would think of her.
She’d lived her life carefully hiding from the harsh words and hard eyes.
“Sophie?” Jesse pulled her hand in his until they were off the sidewalk. His back came to rest against the huge oak in front of the small public library just off campus.
“What are we doing?” She let herself be led.
Be pulled.
Her chest hit his and his hands left hers, instead gently wrapping around her back.
“This.” He smiled into her eyes before his lids dropped, lips opened.
It was her first kiss and it was everything she thought a kiss should be. It made her tingle, her scalp prickle, and her heart pound. She didn’t think it was the mechanics of the kiss, which lasted a seemingly long time. It was the man she was kissing.
“Sorry.” He broke the kiss off and left her gasping, shaking a little against him. “I’m sorry, Sophie, that was... not what I thought I was going to do tonight.” He looked genuinely puzzled.
“Well, I’m glad you did!”
“You are?”
“Duh.”
“Huh. Ha!” Puzzlement turned to a pleased laugh. “Wow.”
“Wow.”
“JOB?” HER FATHER DEMANDED.