Chapter 5 #3
Jesse sighed heavily. “Sometimes it’s hard to think around you. I feel comfortable. Like we’re connected, that you’re like me even though I know you’re not.”
“What do you m—” Sophie found herself cut off by a swift hug that ended with a peck on the cheek.
“I don’t want to be one of those guys who jumps into the physical stuff like that’s the only reason to be with someone.”
“Okay. Okay, I get that.” Sophie was somewhat relieved.
She was sure plenty of people who were nearly nineteen were virgins, but all of those people probably had reasons why that didn’t include being afraid of people, afraid of comments, afraid to even show her face or open her mouth.
Plus, sex equalled bodies and big commitments, big risks.
She swallowed shakily as she realized that “carried away” was a very good description of how she’d felt.
“I was caught up, too. I’ve never uh— I’ve never really dated anyone before. ” Did that make her sound pathetic?
“I haven’t dated anyone in years.”
“Like, since high school?” He was only two or three years older than her, presumably. Maybe four if he’s been held back in school or taken a gap year?
“Yeah.” Jesse smiled sadly.
Sophie waited for him to continue. His jaw jumped as if there were more things he wanted to say, but nothing emerged.
“Did people tease you, too?” Sophie asked.
“They stare sometimes. They didn’t tease me. My hometown is so accepting, though.”
“I gotta see this place.”
“Yes! I would love it if you would. I could show you around. I could take you to meet some of my friends.” Jesse’s eyes lit up and his shoulders seemed to relax.
“Cool.”
“Cool. Are we... Did I ruin this?”
“No!” Yes, for a second.
“You’re okay if we keep things... light?”
Not serious. Her heart, just starting to blossom, felt as though someone had crushed it under an unforgiving heel.
“Sure. Sure, that’s fine.” Another lie. But what do you want him to say, to do?
Rush to declare his undying love? He’s being honest. You should be honest, too.
“Actually, not fine. I don’t know what your definition of ‘light’ is. ”
He was silent, some internal struggle clear on his face.
“Don’t I get to ask that?” Sophie finally demanded, a little put out.
“You do! My answer just won’t sound great. Light is... light is being with you and not letting you get hurt.”
Well, that was a little presumptuous. “Oh, a heartbreaker? Is that you? Some ladykiller?” Sophie knew her voice was mocking, and she hated herself for it.
Jesse backed up, face tightening. “Never. That’s why I was trying to be upfront. Trying to warn you off, not to... not to expect a lot. I don’t think I can give you what you deserve. Maybe I should just head home.”
Is this a couple’s spat? Are we even a couple? Or is this a break-up? Shit, I told my parents and now they’re going to bring this up for the rest of my life about how I rushed into calling him a boyfriend after only a week and— wait. “What do I deserve?”
“Someone who can give you a family and a nice, happy life that doesn’t get complicated by— uh— medical conditions.”
“So if I meet this great guy and he suddenly gets cancer, I should dump him? If my future hubby finds out I don’t make babies, he should leave me?”
Jesse looked at her hard, eyes suddenly wide.
Sophie didn’t see it. Didn’t see the pinpoints of red in the center of her irises. She didn’t notice the sudden firelight glow under her fingertips.
“No, I don’t think that,” he said cautiously. “If you knew more about me—”
“So tell me more about you!”
“I’m an idiot who doesn’t know how to woo a beautiful woman? I want to make sure I never break your heart when you find out I’m not the marrying kind. I know that sounds awful, some guy saying that after a couple of weeks, but you’d be surprised. That can be a big dealbreaker.”
Sophie nodded but said nothing. Her eyes settled back to their normal deep brown depths. “It’s not for me. At least right now. D-don’t you think people should know each other a while before they decide they’re not the ‘marrying kind’? Or you just don’t believe in the institution of marriage?”
Jesse raked a hand through his hair. “I never let a girl get close enough to figure that out because of— yeah. I’m pretty well convinced it wouldn’t be an easy life.”
“She doesn’t get a say?”
“Gah! I was trying to be noble.”
“It came off more like ‘opinionated, patronizing asshole’.”
“Ow, girl!” Jesse grasped his chest, her words landing a blow.
“You started it. Look, if it’s the unknown weirdness in our chromosomes that makes us look like the spawn of Dracula that puts you off the dating scene, I get it.”
Jesse twitched. “That’s a big part of it.”
“Whatever it is, I have it, too. I’m not saying we should pair up like animals on Noah’s Ark,” she laughed ruefully, “and maybe we’re not Mr. and Mrs. Right. I just hate having you ‘choose’ based on something you can’t help.”
“Well, I sure as hell can’t change it, that’s for sure.” He tentatively reached for her hand.
Sophie took it, feeling oddly unsettled. Is this what dating was supposed to be like?
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay,” Jesse protested, “but is at least a little bit better because I was trying to make sure I was doing the right thing— even though I was doing the wrong thing?”
“Sounds like the story of my life,” Sophie snicked.
“But yes, it makes it a little bit better.” She looked at him as they walked along.
They were still heading further into the quiet town, which looked like something out of an old painting, the essential small-town America where most of the shops were still little family stores and most chains had not managed to (or wanted to) muscle in.
They were all lit up in the November night, loopy neon side-by-side with peeling painted signs.
“Buy you an ice cream?”
She shrugged, her appetite absent after the rocky conversation.
“Buy you a burger?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Oh, God, I’ve really screwed everything—”
“I’ll be hungry later. I need to work up an appetite. Oh! Not like—” Sophie groaned. “You made me, Queen of Awkwardness, feel more awkward.” A horrifying thought struck her. “Am I a bad kisser?”
“God, no! NO!” Jesse looked at her and bit his lip. “That’s why I... You’re really good, let’s just say that. If you haven’t dated much before, you have natural talent. I was worried I was going to lose control, which would be wildly— impolite?”
Her ego purred slowly to life, spurred on both by his compliment and the sheepish look he gave her.
Hot guy with a responsible, sweet streak?
Her appetite was coming back, but she wasn’t really in the mood for food.
Her skin tightened again, electricity jolting to her nipples and between her thighs as she remembered the sensations of him against her.
She distracted herself by smoothing her hair and checking out her reflection in the shop window they were passing.
“Oh, and to be clear, I don’t think kissing is too out of control.
Do—” She stopped, squinting. Jesse had been right beside her, but he wasn’t beside her in the glass.
There was something there, a smudgy outline, but not him.
She whirled as she ran a thumb over her blurry eyes.
Jesse was back by the brick storefront, leaning against its corner as he watched her with an admiring gaze. “That’s good to know. I’m sorry I got all weird. Um. Dating isn’t new for me, exactly, but it feels like it is.”
Still blinking and blaming the unshed tears that had threatened to overflow for the visual distortion she’d momentarily experienced, she made her way back to him.
A little voice inside urged her to be bold.
After all, he was the one person outside of her parents that she felt comfortable enough to argue with, to tease, to talk to.
He thinks I’m gorgeous. He thinks I’m a good kisser. He thinks about me... like I’m starting to think about him.
She cupped his strong jaws in her slender fingers, cool skin on cold skin, white on white, her black wine eyes dancing with his icy blue.
Like on Halloween, she let herself pretend, imagine. I’m the princess, some dark fae that holds him spellbound. The girl with the powers.
Her lips met his and she pulled a low moan from him as she snuggled her much narrower frame against his, fingers now curled in the collar of his jacket.
He kissed her back, just as hungrily, consuming her until she was dizzy, until they were both arching into one another, heading further and further down the tiny space between the hardware store and the bakery.
“We have to stop,” Jesse finally grunted. “It’s like thirty degrees out here and we’re in public.”
“And you don’t want to do anything that’s ‘private’ right?” Sophie clarified, hoping she didn’t sound hopeful or disappointed.
For a second, she thought his eyes were glinting red in the blackness of the unlit alley. Must be catching the neon from the store across the way.
“I want all kinds of things,” he murmured, kissing her one more time.