Erin #2
I sigh, debating my next words before I say them as I detangle my hair with a wave of my hand through it. It’s a delicate balance, what I’m about to do. I need to tap into her sympathy for me while also relaying my warning, my threat — or rather, my promise.
She’s not getting out of this.
“I mean, we grow up looking up to our parents. We envy them, build our dreams and our goals around who they are and who they aren’t. But do we ever really make them happy? Or proud? They say we do, but would they really tell us if we failed them?”
I turn again, pulling the fresh cup of coffee from the Keurig and handing it to Skyler. She holds it in her hands, the steam wafting up as she thinks.
“I don’t think we can fail them,” she finally says. “I think just by existing, we make them proud. They see themselves in us.”
I see my in, my way to tap into her sympathy for me, to get her putting me above her own wants and needs.
And as selfish as it is, as fucked up as I’ve become, I take it.
Scoffing, I take another sip of my hot chocolate. “All my parents see when they look at me is a blurred, imperfect reflection of what they wish I was. I feel it. They don’t say it, but their eyes do. They’re ashamed of me.”
And that was true, this time last year. My parents were only concerned with me finding a husband in college, nothing more. But after what happened to me, my mom finally understood, finally got behind me and supported me getting a degree I loved and forging my own path.
Still, Skyler is close with her parents. She’s helped them in times of need, and she understands family obligation and pride. So, I continue.
“I know, right? It doesn’t make sense, does it?
Most parents would be proud of me, I guess.
But then again, most parents didn’t dream of their baby girl growing up and getting a MRS degree and banging a rich lawyer or doctor or whatever.
You would think I shot a puppy by telling them I’d rather be a lawyer than marry one. ”
It’s silent a moment, and I hear Skyler’s wheels turning. Her initial worry that was laden on her features when she walked into the kitchen is gone, and I’ve successfully pushed those thoughts aside long enough to get her to think of how to help me. She wants to make me feel better.
Time to reel her in.
“Ex, you have nothing to be ashamed of and your parents are crazy if they don’t see the amazing things you’re doing for this campus, this sorority, and for yourself.
They come from old money, they’re not used to a world where a woman wants to be educated simply because she can be.
You’re too smart and too damn talented to get married and sit at home.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not your style.
Could you imagine that? You would go bat shit crazy.
You can’t even sit in your pajamas for a full day!
I giggle at that, heart warming a little at her words.
Because as much as I may be putting on a show for her, Skyler is being nothing but real with me.
She really thinks those things, and that stubborn voice inside me tries to pipe up again, the box rattling, everything threatening to break loose and remind me why I should let Skyler call everything off.
I shove it all back down.
“You have to say that,” I say to Skyler, sniffling a little like I might cry at any moment. “You’re my little nugget of sunshine.”
Skyler watches me a moment, a strange smile on her face. And in that moment, we’re just Big and Little, two sisters brought together by circumstance, staying together by choice.
But would she choose to keep that relationship in the end, after this… after Kip?
I could never be sure. And though I should have, I couldn’t find it in me to care.
“I don’t have to say anything,” Skyler argues.
“Except the truth. And I mean it when I say you are the bomb dot com and your parents are insane if they don’t see that.
They’ll come around and realize that your dreams are just a little different than what they had in mind but that it actually makes you even better than they could have ever imagined.
Just wait until family weekend. When they come up here and see everything you’ve done for Kappa Kappa Beta and for Palm South as a whole, they’re going to lose their shit.
And your grades are off the charts. You’re going to get first pick of law schools and they’re going to brag to all their friends at the country club about their amazing daughter who’s not only drop dead gorgeous, but a lawyer, to boot. ”
And with that, I’ve got her right where I want her.
Step one: complete.
I smile, eyes watering a little as I cross the kitchen and wrap Skyler in a hug. “I love you, Little. Thank you.”
“I’ll always be honest with you,” she says, pulling back and taking a deep breath. “And I’m sorry about last night.”
My facade falters, a coldness sweeping over me at the mention of the bonfire.
“It’s okay. I know it’s part of it, it’s part of the game. It’s hard to watch, but I get it. You did good last night.”
Positive reinforcement. Make her feel like what she’s doing is good, that it will lead to something she wants.
“Thanks,” Skyler mumbles. “But, I wanted to talk to you about it.”
I swallow, alarms ringing in my head as I grasp for how to steer the conversation away from what I know she wants to say. Even after sucking her in with the sympathy card, she still wants to call it off.
Time for the threat.
“I—”
“You know,” I say quickly, cutting her off.
“I knew this was a crazy plan when it first slipped out of my mouth that night in my room. In fact, that night I stayed up all night thinking about how crazy I was being,” I say, and that part is the truth.
“But then I realized that I couldn’t have had any better luck.
I mean, how ironic that my Little just so happened to meet my first love and develop a connection with him?
” I ask, reminding her who had him first, who he is to me. “It was almost too perfect.”
Skyler watches me carefully, her face neutral.
“And being that you’re the best damn poker player around,” I say, feeding into her ego, tapping on that most important part of her life. “There literally is no better person for the job.”
She swallows. “Ex, that’s just the thing. I’m not sure—”
“And you know what else?” I say, not letting her finish.
I drop my mug into the sink, turning to lean against the counter again with my eyes hard on Skyler.
“I know it’s not just about the presidency for you.
I know it’s because you care about me, because you know what I’m going through right now and you genuinely want to see me happy. ”
Skyler fumbles her mug a little, just enough to spill a drop of coffee on her sweater, and I know it’s sunk in.
I’m reminding her what’s at stake.
Not just the presidency, which she wants not only for herself, but for our family, too, but also our friendship. I asked her to do something for me, for girl code, and she agreed.
And I see it all set in as she schools her features, her resolve to tell me she wants out extinguished like a match under a bucket of water.
Handing her a napkin for the spilt coffee, I smile.
“I’m so lucky to have you in my life, Little.
You know, for a second last night I thought you were actually into him.
It was so convincing!” I sigh, letting out a short laugh as I make my way toward the kitchen exit.
“But of course, that would be silly,” I say at the door, turning to face her again.
“I mean, what kind of relationship could you possibly have with him now? If he ever found out about the game, about the set up… I can’t even imagine what he’d think, how he’d feel.
” I smile a little, the intention clear as day.
“He’d probably never talk to you again.”
I watch as Skyler tries to swallow, though I can feel that same tightness in my throat.
I’m being an absolute bitch, the worst I’ve ever been to Skyler or anyone else in my entire life… and the worst part is…
I like it.
The power surges through me, the overwhelming rush of knowing what I want and taking it, no mercy, no excuses.
“Anyway,” I say, still smiling. “I’m so excited for tonight. It’s going to be perfect! Come up to my room around four and we can all get ready together. And, Little?”
Skyler looks back up at me from where her eyes had fallen to her lap, face a little white.
“Thank you, for talking to me. You really are one of the best friends I have.”
I smile a little wider, knocking once on the door frame before I leave her in the kitchen alone, making my way upstairs.
And just like that, I’m back in control.
Right where I belong.