Skyler #4
Then, my anxiety rears its ugly head like it never truly left at all, but just watched from the corner, waiting to pounce as soon as the pheromones were gone.
I reach up and pull Kip down on top of me, kissing him hard as we come down from the high, like those punishing kisses can band all other thoughts. But as our breaths begin to even out, the weight of the night folds in on us.
Kip wraps me tighter in his arms, pulling me into his chest as if he feels it, too. As if he’s trying to protect us from the inevitable reality we have to return to.
My fingertips slowly run the length of his abs and chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. He runs his fingers through my hair and we both submit to our thoughts, nervous to say anything out loud.
“Kip,” I start, but he pulls me in tighter, shaking his head.
“Not tonight, Skyler. Just… let’s not ruin tonight.”
I nod, nuzzling into him more.
We know that when the sun rises, it’ll shed light on everything the darkness consumed tonight. Silently, we consider what that means.
We both know what this is and what it isn’t.
But the question remains – can we live with that, or is it time to change the rules?
***
“Wake up,” a voice says.
I stir a bit, the soft sound of rain pattering against the window as I stretch. Soft lips touch my shoulder and my eyes flutter open. I smile as Kip kisses up my neck to just behind my ear, my entire body coming alive at the touch.
“Mornin’,” he says, pulling back and resting on an elbow. The shadows from the rain on the window dance over his skin and I stare in awe, mesmerized by his effortless beauty.
Suddenly, it hits me.
Everything that corresponded between us last night flashes through my head and I blanch, eyes wide in horror as I bolt upright.
Kip frowns, sitting up with me, one hand reaching out to touch me. I pull the sheets higher, covering myself, my eyes darting around the room for my clothes.
“Don’t do that,” he says softly, shaking his head. “Don’t look at me like you just made a mistake.”
I try to make my face change, to relax my breathing, to find the calm that I had last night but I can’t. Kip’s expression looks pained as he rolls to the other side of the bed, his feet hitting the floor. He runs his hands through his hair.
“Fuck, Skyler.”
“No, wait, just…” I lean up, relieved when I realize I’m wearing his shirt and I’m not naked like I thought.
Slowly, I crawl over to Kip, tucking my hands under his arms to place them on his chest as I plant small kisses on his back.
He stiffens at first, but each kiss unties the knots of tension just a little more.
“I’m sorry. I don’t regret last night. I don’t. ”
It’s true, I don’t regret it, but I still know that I should. Erin is one-hundred percent into Kip and falling faster than the first time and I had sex with him. Worse than that, it wasn’t a one-time thing. I knew it last night, Kip knew it, too – and we both know it right now.
Something changed last night.
The presidency aside, my relationship with all my sisters is at risk now. I broke girl code.
And I just wish I was sorry about it.
I pull away, sighing as I move to sit next to him. “I don’t know what to do,” I admit, glancing over at him.
He turns to me, worry still laden on his face as if he’s battling with his own guilt. Maybe he does care about Erin? Or maybe there’s something else behind those furrowed brows.
“If I told you I was an asshole, that I’m going to end up hurting you and this is all going to end just as fucked up as it started, would you hate me? Would you leave?”
I bite my lip, the bluntness of his words slamming into me like a club. If only he knows.
“Am I stupid if I tell you I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate you?”
He sighs, as if he knew I’d answer that way and it makes him hate himself even more.
I shrug, leaning down to look into his eyes again. “I already tried.”
His hand finds mine and for a few moments we just sit there, staring ahead and letting the rain pour down outside. Finally, Kip speaks again. “I’m going to call things off with Erin.”
I nod, feeling a mixture of guilt and relief.
I don’t want him to be with Erin. “We still need to keep this a secret for a while,” I say, gently rubbing his fingers between mine.
“I think after a while, Erin and my sisters and just everyone in general will be okay with us being together. But right now, it’s going to be too obvious.
Erin would know we hooked up when you were together.
She would hate me. Everyone would hate us. ”
“I’m not with her, not the way you’re putting it, anyway.
I’m going to make that clear to her, too,” Kip says quickly, turning to face me.
“And why does it matter what everyone else thinks?” He’s saying the words like he wants us to be together now, but there’s still something in his eyes that tells me he’s not sure that’s what he wants, either.
“It’s not that easy, Kip. They’re my sisters and I’m in line to be the president next year. I can’t lead a sorority of girls who don’t trust me.” My eyes fall to the floor. “Plus, Erin is my Big. We’ve had some issues this year but I love her, I don’t want to hurt her.”
Her face flashes in my mind, the girl who convinced me to rush Kappa Kappa Beta, who held my hand and helped me change everything I wanted to change about myself. I went from nobody to one of the most popular girls on our campus. She was instrumental in that transformation.
And I’ve betrayed her.
Kip nods, sighing as he reaches out and pulls me into him. “I know, I’m sorry. You’re right. Laying low for a while is a good idea. I’m sure Adam would be pissed, too. You need to figure out what to say to him.”
I roll my eyes. “Ugh, I don’t know how he hasn’t gotten the clue yet. I’ve barely spoken to him. He texts me every minute of the day, it feels like.”
That’s been the most surprising part of this, how eager Adam has been to talk to me, to get inside my head.
He’s been trying to get me to talk to him about what’s really going on since the dance.
Not that I can blame him, after what I said, but he and I both know that we could never be more than friends again.
We tried, and it just doesn’t work. Hooking up a few times? Sure. But past that, nothing exists.
I should have just told him I was drunk, that I didn’t mean what I said about still being into him. But with Erin breathing down my neck and watching every little piece of her puzzle closely, there was no way.
I had a part to play, and up until last night, I’d played it perfectly.
Best poker face in the game.
A smile curls on Kip’s face. “Is it bad that I kind of look forward to seeing his face when he realizes you’re with me?”
I nudge him playfully and he pulls me in tighter, laughing.
“Just saying, he thinks you played me to get him back. It’s going to be sweet revenge to prove that assumption incorrect.”
I roll my eyes again and Kip pulls me back onto the bed quickly, wrapping his arms around me.
I laugh and push at his shoulders but give in too easily, not really wanting to get away from him in the first place.
His smile fades slowly and his eyes search mine as he moves a strand of fallen hair from my face.
There’s a storm brewing in those blue eyes of his, but I can’t figure out if I should be afraid or excited for the rain to pour.
“Stay with me today,” he says, leaning up on one elbow.
I nod in response and he leans down again, pressing his lips to mine.
The rain sounds softer now, replaced by the internal buzz I feel when Kip kisses me.
I’ve decided he’s one of those kissers who really takes his time.
He runs his hands through my hair and moves his lips slowly against mine, his tongue sweeping in at the perfect time to cause my breath to catch.
He touches my face, my neck, my lower back.
When it’s natural, he catches my bottom lip between his teeth, tugging just enough to make my stomach flip.
Kip kisses me like I’m a goddess, like he’s lucky to even be near me, let alone with his lips on mine.
And with Kip, I feel like a goddess.
Beautiful.
Invincible.
Immortal.
But the truth is, I’m not a goddess. I can break. I know that, and yet I’m still here, wrapped in the arms of the one who could shatter me into pieces.
I guess I should start praying now.