Cassie
On the second night of Spring Break, I press a cool hand to my cheek, sipping on my frozen daiquiri as I attempt to soothe my sunburn.
It’s not bad, just a light blush of pink over my face, arms, and legs, but it’s enough for me to feel it.
My cool hand only soothes it for a moment, a temporary fix before the burn singes through and leaves my hand just as hot.
Yesterday, I got so drunk I ended up turning in early after dinner. Then, today, we partied on the island, Kip blowing the money he won last night on a couple of cabanas for his brothers and our sisters. Again, I found myself drinking to forget about Adam, to try to avoid him and my feelings.
Now, sitting at the bar with my sisters as we try to turn our day drinking into a successful night, I feel silly.
No, I feel stupid.
Before I came to Palm South, I rarely ever drank. I’d had a few wine coolers, stolen from my mom’s stash, but other than that, I’d never indulged. And while I love having a great time with my sisters, I’ve never used alcohol before as a way to avoid, as an attempt to feel better.
I found out quickly it doesn’t work.
If anything, the more I drink, the worse I feel. The game I’m playing with Kade to make Adam jealous only adds to how shitty I feel, and I just want it all over with.
I just want to talk to Adam.
Sighing, I push past the sickening drop of my stomach as I finish off my drink and stand, searching the piano bar for the one guy I’ve been avoiding.
“You okay?” Ashlei asks, eying my empty glass. “Need another drink?”
My stomach rolls at the thought of it. “I think I just need some fresh air. I’ll be back.”
She frowns, but nods. “Okay, babe. Let me know if you need anything.”
I somehow manage a smile, and then I’m shoving through the crowd of fraternity brothers and sorority sisters, making my way toward the deck.
Adam comes into view once I cross the room, and at the sight of me, his face falls, brows bending together.
He pushes off where he was leaning on the wall, meeting me in the middle of the room with his hands in his pockets.
The red polo he’s wearing blazes against his tan biceps, and I watch the muscles flex and move as he makes his way toward me.
His hair is mussed, as if he didn’t even shower after spending a day on the island.
He looks like he just threw on new clothes and embraced the salty waves, and somehow, he looks even sexier than if he were all dressed up, hair gelled back and bow tie in place.
And I can’t stop staring at his arms, wishing I was in them, wishing they were my place to call home.
“Hey,” he says over the sound of a new song starting when he reaches me. The entire room erupts into cheers before I can answer, a drunken choir pouring out the first verse of “Tiny Dancer.”
“Hi.”
I cross one arm over my middle, holding onto my opposite elbow and staring down at my open-toed heels. I paired them with a pair of white, high-waisted shorts and an Easter yellow crop top. I wanted to stand out, to make him notice me.
Now I just want to hide.
I should say something, I realize as we stand there — starting with an apology. But all I can do is stand there, staring at my feet, and even that is a task. If I wasn’t using every ounce of strength I have left, I’d be on my knees, or curled into the fetal position, begging him to leave me alone.
Begging him to never leave.
Adam doesn’t say a word, just gently grabs my hand and guides me through the crowd, the same direction I was heading before I saw him.
In a matter of moments, we’re out of the bar and on the outside deck, the rambunctious sound of music and singing replaced with the soft crash of the waves against the ship.
My hands wrap around the railing, the cool metal soothing as much as it is shocking. And I can’t look at him, can’t bear to have him look at me — not after how I’ve acted.
“You okay?” he asks after a moment, sliding up to rest his elbows on the railing next to me.
I pinch my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry. “I think we both know the answer to that.”
“Cassie…”
His hand moves for mine, but I rip it away as soon as our fingers brush.
“No,” I say, voice firm. I lift my eyes to his, swallowing down my nerves. “No, I get to talk this time.”
Adam doesn’t argue, his face ridden with a mixture of apology and shame before I even start talking.
“I can’t do this anymore, Adam. I can’t.”
My voice breaks, tears filling my eyes, though I don’t blink to let them fall. Instead, I hold my shoulders back, standing straighter.
“I know you want me to focus on me, but I have. I’ve had months to myself, and I appreciate that you pushed me to do that, that you encouraged me to find myself again, to be happy alone — without a boyfriend.
” I sniff. “But I love you,” I whisper, and that breaks me, two tears spilling down my hot cheeks as Adam’s shoulders crumple.
“And I don’t want to be without you anymore. ”
Adam steps forward, his arms reaching out for me and pulling me into his chest. He wraps me in the tightest hug, one that tells me more than words that he doesn’t want to be without me, either. And even though I’m still hurting, comfort sneaks in, warming me from the inside out.
“I don’t want to play the games,” I say through my tears. “I don’t want to wonder what you’re texting Skyler, or why you can touch me but not be with me. I don’t want to do anymore yoga or meditation or post anymore stupid Facebook statuses about having my ‘me time’.”
Adam chuckles, and I can’t help the smile that cracks through my tears.
“I don’t want to flirt with other guys to make you mad.”
He sighs, stroking my hair with one hand before planting a kiss to my forehead. “That worked very well, by the way.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, pulling back just enough to look up into his eyes. “I did that to hurt you, even when I know you would never do anything to hurt me. I wanted a reaction. I wanted you to care.”
“I’ve always cared.”
I watch him for a moment before softly shrugging. “I couldn’t tell.”
Adam sighs again, framing my face with his hands as his thumbs wipe away the tears from my cheeks.
“I’m so, so sorry, Cassie. For everything. I thought I knew what was best for you, thought I was doing the right thing by having you take some time for yourself. But all I did was hurt us both.”
I swallow, leaning into his touch.
“I meant everything I said about you spending time on you, and I’m glad you have.
But, I was wrong for chasing Skyler out of the dance, for putting her above you even though that was not my intention.
I care about her, Cassie,” he says, and the words are like ice picks through my heart.
“I do. But as a friend only. I won’t lie, her profession of love for me threw me.
For a moment, I wondered if I’d read our entire relationship wrong.
But, there’s something going on between her and Kip, and I know I was just part of her game.
” He smirks. “Your Big is really good at playing those, too.”
I scoff. “Don’t I know it.”
“But, I focused on making sure she was okay,” he confesses.
“When I should have been focusing on you. And I can’t take that back, but I can apologize.
I am truly sorry, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re anything but the most important girl in my life.
” His thumb swipes away a fresh tear, one corner of his mouth quirking into a soft smile.
“Because you are, Cassie. You are everything to me.”
“Then let me in,” I whisper. “Please, Adam. Let me in. Be with me.”
“Would you stop?” he says, laughing and wiping away more tears. “I’m trying to do the apologize and grovel thing and you’re just being so damn adorable I can’t focus.”
I smile, but can’t help crying even more as he pulls me into him. He hugs me tight, kissing my hair.
“I’m yours, Cassie McBee,” he whispers. “I always have been. I always will be.”
He lifts my chin with his knuckle, and when his lips touch mine, every game, every fight, every ounce of hurt that’s ever existed between us melts into a puddle at our feet. I press onto my toes, strengthening our kiss, my arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling him closer.
“I love you,” he says softly, the words hot on my mouth. “I know I haven’t shown you that, not in the right way, but I promise that from this moment on, I will do everything I can to prove it to you.”
“You better.”
We both laugh at that, and then he kisses me again, and for the first time since the semester started, I finally feel whole again.
I finally feel okay.